Posts
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Why is it-- I am an American citizen, living in Israel for a year, and when I travel to Istanbul and Cairo, I say, "Ugh, damn foreigners!"
"... I have been a stranger in a strange land"
-- Exodus 2:22
Last night I returned from a 3 day trip to Egypt with my wife and in-laws.
Feel free to make a plethora of "slavery" jokes.
It was a learning experience.
First of all, I learned that Egyptians are awful.
And so are Israelis
And Turks.
People, in general, are just a pain in the ass.
Especially when they want your money.
I have been to open-air markets (or shuks, rhymes with “looks”) in all three countries… and all three varieties are godawful!
All these shuks are peopled with strange, smelly, hairy men shouting at potential buyers (i.e., anyone who makes eye contact with them), calling you “my friend,” and generally being pains in my ass.
It feels like the shuk is a seedy dance club, and I am a hot, drunk chick. Every guy thinks he has a shot with me and, in my mind, they're all just scuzzy potential sex offendors.
But God bless the shuk!
THAT is the only thing that keeps peace in the world-- financial interdependence!
I think I first heard Bill Maher say it. THAT will create peace within the global community--
"Oh, I hate you so much! I'd kill you... but I'd rather have your steady commission. So you may live... Just keep buying the stuff my country produces."
"There was never a good war or a bad peace."
--Benjamin Franklin
"Greed, for lack of a better word, is good."
-- Gordon Gekko, "Wall Street" (written by Oliver Stone)
"It doesn't matter if you're black or white. The only color that really matters is green."
-- Peter Griffin, "Family Guy" (season 3, episode 14)
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Thursday, December 31
Wednesday, December 30
Wet Blanket
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A few days ago I returned from a two day trip to Egypt.
We traveled through the Sinai peninsula.
It took my ancestors 40 years, I made it back in 48 hours.
It was cool to see the pyraminds. As a Jew, I felt like I had been there before... and was not properly paid for services rendered.
Our tour guide-- Hussein (I kid you not)-- explained that slaves could NOT have built the pyramids, since it was a "great honor" to help in their construction, and only "very special" people were allowed to help.
Ahem.
Yes, and the Native Americans eagerly gave their land to the White Man... because they , because they like Him so much.
It reminded me of an episode of "Family Guy", when Stewie and Brian tour through Germany:
Brian: Yeah, about your pamphlet. Uh, I'm not seeing anything about German history between 1939 and 1945. There's just a big gap.
German Tour Guide: Everyone was on vacation! On your left is...
Brian: Wait, wait. What are you talking about? Germany invaded Poland in 1939 and...
German Tour Guide: We were invited! Punch was served! Check with Poland!
("Road to Europe" season 3, episode 20, Dan Palladino)
As we crossed the border from Egypt back into Israel, I breathed a sigh of relief. I felt like I came home... after playing in the backyard of a creepy neighbor.... who enslaved my ancestors 3000 years ago.
I expected any moment for an Egyptian guard to shout, "Wait, come back! You still owe us one more pyramid!"
But as we left Egypt, an amazing thing happened--
a stray dog came over to us. We pet him.
We fed him some cheese.
He didn't bark or anything!
And now... SEGUE!
Remember the Exodus?
(Of course you do! When Charlton Heston saved the Hebrews from those damned dirty apes)
Well, right before the tenth and final plague, God tells Moses about the cool miracles and CGI effects that will take place, how the Egyptians will suffer, etc., including...
“But against any of the children of Israel shall not a dog move his tongue...”
-- Exodus 11:7
Wow. Forget the river of blood, the death of the first born, and the parting of the sea!
Some Egyptian doggies kept their yappers shut?! What a miracle!
Whenever reading anything in the Bible, I ask myself what any good commentator asks:
"Who gives a shit?"
In other words— What's the point? WHY is this verse in the Bible? WHAT can it teach us?
Zelig Pliskin (in his great book, "Growth through Torah") says that this passage teaches us a simple lesson-- don't ruin somebody's good time.
Don't do anything to decrease the joy of another person's happy experience.
Hence... women faking orgasms.
Woah! THAT was uncalled for.
When my wife was 13 had her Bat-Mitzvah ceremony (Yikes! Gear change!), immediately following the event a former teacher approached her and proceeded to critique her performance, explaining how she messed up some Hebrew words.
Woah! Uncool!
Whenever someone said, "What a beautiful day outside," I used to have a habit of answering, "Yeah... it makes you wish there was no genocide in the world."
ha ha. I sure was hilarious.
But I don't do that anymore... because it's stupid... and nobody likes a downer.
The Israelites were leaving slavery, would it really have made a difference if a measly dog barked at them? Well, it still would have been decreasing from their joy a teensy-weensy bit. If someone buys a new cell phone, don't say, "Cool... it'll give you cancer, though."
At somebody's birthday party, don't shout "One year closer to death!"
"Don't tell me not to live, just sit and putter
Life's candy and the sun's a ball of butter
Don't bring around a cloud to rain on my parade"
-- Barbara Streisand... Isn't she fabulous?!
"Be a Tigger, Don't be an Eeyore"
-- Randy Pausch (Carnegie Mellon prof., "Last Lecture")
Don’t be a wet blanket!
If someone is having a good time, don’t ruin it!
.
A few days ago I returned from a two day trip to Egypt.
We traveled through the Sinai peninsula.
It took my ancestors 40 years, I made it back in 48 hours.
It was cool to see the pyraminds. As a Jew, I felt like I had been there before... and was not properly paid for services rendered.
Our tour guide-- Hussein (I kid you not)-- explained that slaves could NOT have built the pyramids, since it was a "great honor" to help in their construction, and only "very special" people were allowed to help.
Ahem.
Yes, and the Native Americans eagerly gave their land to the White Man... because they , because they like Him so much.
It reminded me of an episode of "Family Guy", when Stewie and Brian tour through Germany:
Brian: Yeah, about your pamphlet. Uh, I'm not seeing anything about German history between 1939 and 1945. There's just a big gap.
German Tour Guide: Everyone was on vacation! On your left is...
Brian: Wait, wait. What are you talking about? Germany invaded Poland in 1939 and...
German Tour Guide: We were invited! Punch was served! Check with Poland!
("Road to Europe" season 3, episode 20, Dan Palladino)
As we crossed the border from Egypt back into Israel, I breathed a sigh of relief. I felt like I came home... after playing in the backyard of a creepy neighbor.... who enslaved my ancestors 3000 years ago.
I expected any moment for an Egyptian guard to shout, "Wait, come back! You still owe us one more pyramid!"
But as we left Egypt, an amazing thing happened--
a stray dog came over to us. We pet him.
We fed him some cheese.
He didn't bark or anything!
And now... SEGUE!
Remember the Exodus?
(Of course you do! When Charlton Heston saved the Hebrews from those damned dirty apes)
Well, right before the tenth and final plague, God tells Moses about the cool miracles and CGI effects that will take place, how the Egyptians will suffer, etc., including...
“But against any of the children of Israel shall not a dog move his tongue...”
-- Exodus 11:7
Wow. Forget the river of blood, the death of the first born, and the parting of the sea!
Some Egyptian doggies kept their yappers shut?! What a miracle!
Whenever reading anything in the Bible, I ask myself what any good commentator asks:
"Who gives a shit?"
In other words— What's the point? WHY is this verse in the Bible? WHAT can it teach us?
Zelig Pliskin (in his great book, "Growth through Torah") says that this passage teaches us a simple lesson-- don't ruin somebody's good time.
Don't do anything to decrease the joy of another person's happy experience.
Hence... women faking orgasms.
Woah! THAT was uncalled for.
When my wife was 13 had her Bat-Mitzvah ceremony (Yikes! Gear change!), immediately following the event a former teacher approached her and proceeded to critique her performance, explaining how she messed up some Hebrew words.
Woah! Uncool!
Whenever someone said, "What a beautiful day outside," I used to have a habit of answering, "Yeah... it makes you wish there was no genocide in the world."
ha ha. I sure was hilarious.
But I don't do that anymore... because it's stupid... and nobody likes a downer.
The Israelites were leaving slavery, would it really have made a difference if a measly dog barked at them? Well, it still would have been decreasing from their joy a teensy-weensy bit. If someone buys a new cell phone, don't say, "Cool... it'll give you cancer, though."
At somebody's birthday party, don't shout "One year closer to death!"
"Don't tell me not to live, just sit and putter
Life's candy and the sun's a ball of butter
Don't bring around a cloud to rain on my parade"
-- Barbara Streisand... Isn't she fabulous?!
"Be a Tigger, Don't be an Eeyore"
-- Randy Pausch (Carnegie Mellon prof., "Last Lecture")
Don’t be a wet blanket!
If someone is having a good time, don’t ruin it!
.
Thursday, December 24
"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems." -- Homer (season 8, ep. 18)
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To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems.-- Homer (season 8, ep. 18)
Deuteronomy 1:1--
"These be the words which Moses spake unto all Israel..."
Yaaarrrr, these be the words!
Avast, ye scurvy Israelites-- thar be Moses, over yonder!
(Sigh)
When you translate Hebrew into English, especially fancy-pants Shakespearean English... you get Pirate-esque phrases.
But wait!
I can work with this!
Take a look at this dialogue from "Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl" (the good one):
Jack Sparrow: Stop! Not good! What are you doing? You burned all the food, the shade... the rum!
Elizabeth: Yes, the rum is gone.
Jack Sparrow: Why is the rum gone?
Elizabeth:... Because it is a *vile* drink that turns even the most respectable men into complete scoundrels...
(written by Ted Elliot, Terry Rossio)
Alcohol is bad!!!!
At least according to Elizabeth from the "Pirates" movie...
and the Bible!
"And Noah... planted a vineyard... And he drank of the wine, and he was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent." (Genesis 9:20-21)
"And Lot... dwelt in a cave, he and his two daughters... And the firstborn said to the younger... 'Come, let us make our father drink wine and we will lie with him'... Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father."
(Genesis 19:30-32,36)
"And the Lord spake unto Aaron, saying, 'Do not drink wine nor strong drink... when ye go into the tabernacle of the congregation, lest ye die.'" (Leviticus 10:8-9)
"Nabal... was churlish and evil in his doings... folly [was] with him... he held a feast in his house... and Nabal's heart was merry within him, for he was very drunken... the Lord smote Nabal, that he died... the Lord hath returned the wickedness of Nabal upon his own head."
(I Samuel 25:3,25,36,38,39)
"...Elah, the son of Baasha [began] to reign over Israel in Tirzah. And his servant, Zimri, captain of half his chariots, conspired against him, as he was in Tirzah, drinking himself drunk..."
(I Kings 16:9)
"And they went out at noon. But Ben-Hadad was drinking himself drunk..."
(I Kings 20:16)
In all fairness, there was more to each of the above incidents than mere alcohol-consumption. But excessive boozing is clearly frowned upon in the Bible.
Why?
Well, wine plays such a major role in Judeo-Christian religious ceremonies-- Jews drink wine every Friday night and many Christians believe sacramental wine is Jesus' blood.
Jews do not believe this... However, we DO believe that beer is the urine of Moses.
And vodka is Isaac’s saliva.
And that a pina colada is Abraham’s… anyway, we’ve gotten off topic…
Which brings me to an important rule, in general:
Moderation in all things!
It's good advice.
Booze, Work, Sex, Television-- a moderate amount of all these things is wonderful! Too much can lead to misery... and chlamydia!
During my junior year of college, I got black-out drunk. Saturday night at 2 AM… until Sunday night, 8 PM—gone. I woke up covered in my own sick. Thankfully, I don’t remember any of it (see my entry from November 11th). And I’ve never gotten that drunk again. Lesson learned.
But, in the spirit of fairness, I'll leave you with the wisdom of Mayor Quimby, regarding alcohol:
"It tastes great, makes women appear more attractive, and makes a person virtually invulnerable to criticism."
(“The Simpsons,” season 8, episode 18, "Homer vs. the 18th Amendment")
.
To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems.-- Homer (season 8, ep. 18)
Deuteronomy 1:1--
"These be the words which Moses spake unto all Israel..."
Yaaarrrr, these be the words!
Avast, ye scurvy Israelites-- thar be Moses, over yonder!
(Sigh)
When you translate Hebrew into English, especially fancy-pants Shakespearean English... you get Pirate-esque phrases.
But wait!
I can work with this!
Take a look at this dialogue from "Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl" (the good one):
Jack Sparrow: Stop! Not good! What are you doing? You burned all the food, the shade... the rum!
Elizabeth: Yes, the rum is gone.
Jack Sparrow: Why is the rum gone?
Elizabeth:... Because it is a *vile* drink that turns even the most respectable men into complete scoundrels...
(written by Ted Elliot, Terry Rossio)
Alcohol is bad!!!!
At least according to Elizabeth from the "Pirates" movie...
and the Bible!
"And Noah... planted a vineyard... And he drank of the wine, and he was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent." (Genesis 9:20-21)
"And Lot... dwelt in a cave, he and his two daughters... And the firstborn said to the younger... 'Come, let us make our father drink wine and we will lie with him'... Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father."
(Genesis 19:30-32,36)
"And the Lord spake unto Aaron, saying, 'Do not drink wine nor strong drink... when ye go into the tabernacle of the congregation, lest ye die.'" (Leviticus 10:8-9)
"Nabal... was churlish and evil in his doings... folly [was] with him... he held a feast in his house... and Nabal's heart was merry within him, for he was very drunken... the Lord smote Nabal, that he died... the Lord hath returned the wickedness of Nabal upon his own head."
(I Samuel 25:3,25,36,38,39)
"...Elah, the son of Baasha [began] to reign over Israel in Tirzah. And his servant, Zimri, captain of half his chariots, conspired against him, as he was in Tirzah, drinking himself drunk..."
(I Kings 16:9)
"And they went out at noon. But Ben-Hadad was drinking himself drunk..."
(I Kings 20:16)
In all fairness, there was more to each of the above incidents than mere alcohol-consumption. But excessive boozing is clearly frowned upon in the Bible.
Why?
Well, wine plays such a major role in Judeo-Christian religious ceremonies-- Jews drink wine every Friday night and many Christians believe sacramental wine is Jesus' blood.
Jews do not believe this... However, we DO believe that beer is the urine of Moses.
And vodka is Isaac’s saliva.
And that a pina colada is Abraham’s… anyway, we’ve gotten off topic…
Which brings me to an important rule, in general:
Moderation in all things!
It's good advice.
Booze, Work, Sex, Television-- a moderate amount of all these things is wonderful! Too much can lead to misery... and chlamydia!
During my junior year of college, I got black-out drunk. Saturday night at 2 AM… until Sunday night, 8 PM—gone. I woke up covered in my own sick. Thankfully, I don’t remember any of it (see my entry from November 11th). And I’ve never gotten that drunk again. Lesson learned.
But, in the spirit of fairness, I'll leave you with the wisdom of Mayor Quimby, regarding alcohol:
"It tastes great, makes women appear more attractive, and makes a person virtually invulnerable to criticism."
(“The Simpsons,” season 8, episode 18, "Homer vs. the 18th Amendment")
.
Men's Priorities
.
Throughout the book of Deuteronomy, God explains (through Moses) the rules and laws the Israelites are supposed to follow.
Chapter 20 deals with military service.
Who is temporarily exempt from military duty? (besides Klinger)
Check out verse 5:
"What man is there that hath built a new house, and hath not dedicated it? Let him go and return to his house, lest he die in the battle and another man dedicate it."
Verse 6, The same formula-- but for wine:
"What man... planted a vineyard, and hath not yet eaten of it? ... let him also go... lest he die in the battle, and another man eat of it."
And, naturally, verse 7:
"What man is... betrothed to a wife and hath not taken her?... Let him go... lest he die in the battle, and another man take her."
BAM!
Here we see the three priorities in a man's life: Shelter, Booze, and Dames!
It's a natural progression: a place to sleep, something to eat/drink, and someone to share it with-- to eat, drink and be "merry"... unless she has a headache.
That sure would stink-- you go to all the trouble of building a house, or planting crops, or wooing a lady... and you die before you can enjoy any of it! Some OTHER guy is in YOUR bed, drinking YOUR wine, and being "merry" all over YOUR woman!
Now THAT'S getting the fuzzy end of the lollipop!
Unfair!
And God knew this.
Hence-- this very sensible rule.
How refreshing.
.
Throughout the book of Deuteronomy, God explains (through Moses) the rules and laws the Israelites are supposed to follow.
Chapter 20 deals with military service.
Who is temporarily exempt from military duty? (besides Klinger)
Check out verse 5:
"What man is there that hath built a new house, and hath not dedicated it? Let him go and return to his house, lest he die in the battle and another man dedicate it."
Verse 6, The same formula-- but for wine:
"What man... planted a vineyard, and hath not yet eaten of it? ... let him also go... lest he die in the battle, and another man eat of it."
And, naturally, verse 7:
"What man is... betrothed to a wife and hath not taken her?... Let him go... lest he die in the battle, and another man take her."
BAM!
Here we see the three priorities in a man's life: Shelter, Booze, and Dames!
It's a natural progression: a place to sleep, something to eat/drink, and someone to share it with-- to eat, drink and be "merry"... unless she has a headache.
That sure would stink-- you go to all the trouble of building a house, or planting crops, or wooing a lady... and you die before you can enjoy any of it! Some OTHER guy is in YOUR bed, drinking YOUR wine, and being "merry" all over YOUR woman!
Now THAT'S getting the fuzzy end of the lollipop!
Unfair!
And God knew this.
Hence-- this very sensible rule.
How refreshing.
.
"Come together... right now"
.
Let's take it down a notch:
The Mourner's Kaddish is recited at the end of nearly every organized prayer service
in the Jewish religion, assuming there are 10 Jewish adults present.
Someone mourning the death of a close relative stands up and says the Kaddish, while everyone else responds a few times.
The actual prayer-- The Mourner's Kaddish-- is often the only Hebrew many Jews are capable of saying out loud.
Well, guess what-- it ain't Hebrew!
It is written in Aramaic.
I don't speak Aramaic.
And, I'm guessing, neither do you.
(They SHOULD teach it in high schools, I agree!)
So how can we make this Aramaic prayer (that takes about one minute to recite) meaningful to us?
Do what I do:
Update it!
And put it in your own words!
I use "Field of Dreams"
When I look at the people mourning the loss of loved ones, I think the second phrase "The Voice" told Ray in the cornfield:
"Ease his pain"
(or "her pain", depending on the gender... duh)
Simple. To the Point. I mean, what more can you ask for? That's WHY we say the prayer... for the benefit of the mourner, to give them closure. Help them... to ease their pain.
Remembering the death of a loved one is really a way of remembering their life.
The whole prayer takes about one minute to recite, but it is often the precise reason Jews will gather together.
And it can only be recited in the presence of a minyan (group of ten or more Jewish adults).
Why?
Maybe because when people are in the process of mourning, they naturally want isolate themselves, away from society...
Well, Judaism says, "Not so fast, Sunny Jim. Other people can help. You gotta learn to mourn... in the presence of others."
"Do not separate yourself from the community"
-- Rabbi Hillel (Ethics of the Fathers, 2:5)
It is SO EASY to separate.
Remember those days when you don't leave your house/apartment until 6 o'clock at night?
You feel like crap, dontcha?
Well, Judaism anticipates that!
And a minyan coming together is a terrific thing-- when a person is mourning, Jews will rally.
"I need to recite the Kaddish, are you available to--"
"Gimme the time and place, I'll be there."
When the chips are down, Jews rally around one another.
Someone feels compelled to recite the Mourner's Kaddish, let's get together and help them through it... even if it's just for a 15 minute evening prayer service.
It unites, it motivates people to come together.
And people will come.
"Oh... people will come Ray. People will most definitely come."
-- "Field of Dreams" (book by W.P. Kinsella, screenplay by Phil Alden Robinson)
.
Let's take it down a notch:
The Mourner's Kaddish is recited at the end of nearly every organized prayer service
in the Jewish religion, assuming there are 10 Jewish adults present.
Someone mourning the death of a close relative stands up and says the Kaddish, while everyone else responds a few times.
The actual prayer-- The Mourner's Kaddish-- is often the only Hebrew many Jews are capable of saying out loud.
Well, guess what-- it ain't Hebrew!
It is written in Aramaic.
I don't speak Aramaic.
And, I'm guessing, neither do you.
(They SHOULD teach it in high schools, I agree!)
So how can we make this Aramaic prayer (that takes about one minute to recite) meaningful to us?
Do what I do:
Update it!
And put it in your own words!
I use "Field of Dreams"
When I look at the people mourning the loss of loved ones, I think the second phrase "The Voice" told Ray in the cornfield:
"Ease his pain"
(or "her pain", depending on the gender... duh)
Simple. To the Point. I mean, what more can you ask for? That's WHY we say the prayer... for the benefit of the mourner, to give them closure. Help them... to ease their pain.
Remembering the death of a loved one is really a way of remembering their life.
The whole prayer takes about one minute to recite, but it is often the precise reason Jews will gather together.
And it can only be recited in the presence of a minyan (group of ten or more Jewish adults).
Why?
Maybe because when people are in the process of mourning, they naturally want isolate themselves, away from society...
Well, Judaism says, "Not so fast, Sunny Jim. Other people can help. You gotta learn to mourn... in the presence of others."
"Do not separate yourself from the community"
-- Rabbi Hillel (Ethics of the Fathers, 2:5)
It is SO EASY to separate.
Remember those days when you don't leave your house/apartment until 6 o'clock at night?
You feel like crap, dontcha?
Well, Judaism anticipates that!
And a minyan coming together is a terrific thing-- when a person is mourning, Jews will rally.
"I need to recite the Kaddish, are you available to--"
"Gimme the time and place, I'll be there."
When the chips are down, Jews rally around one another.
Someone feels compelled to recite the Mourner's Kaddish, let's get together and help them through it... even if it's just for a 15 minute evening prayer service.
It unites, it motivates people to come together.
And people will come.
"Oh... people will come Ray. People will most definitely come."
-- "Field of Dreams" (book by W.P. Kinsella, screenplay by Phil Alden Robinson)
.
Wednesday, December 23
"It's About You, It's About You" -- Dan K.
.
Quick recap:
It's the end of Deuteronomy, Moses is about to die, the Israelites are about to enter the Holy Land.
God is talking, yakkity-yak, as usual—
"If you follow my commandments, I’ll give you land, children, a shave and a haircut (two bits).
If you sin… you’re ass is grass, and I’m gonna start a brushfire!"
(more or less)
The main rule: “…turn unto the Lord thy God with all thy heart and with all thy soul…” (Deut. 30:10)
Heart and Soul?
Cue Tom Hanks on that Big piano!
Now check out verses 12 and 13—
“This commandment… it is not hidden from thee, neither is it far off… It is not in heaven… neither is it beyond the sea…”
Somewhere…
Waiting for me…
Oh, ya gotta love Bobby Darin!
But wait! I’m gonna fill in those ellipses:
Verses 12-14 in their entirety—
God says, regarding the commandment to love the Almighty:
“It is not in heaven, that thou should say, ‘Who shall go up for us to heaven, and bring it unto us, that we may hear it and do it?’
“Neither is it beyond the sea, that thou should say, ‘Who shall go over the sea for us, and bring it unto us, that we may hear it and do it?’
“But the word is very night unto thee, in thy mouth and in thy heart that thou mayest do it.”
Woah!
E.T. anyone?
At the end of the movie, as the cute lil’ alien is about to leave on his spaceship, he says goodbye and tells his friend: “Elliot… I’ll be right… here.”
And the adorable E.T. points his glowing finger right at Elliot’s crotch.
Heart! I meant heart! He points to Elliot’s heart.
Precious.
Well, guess what! That little alien bastard totally ripped off God!
God was there first, you Muppet Show reject!
(ahem)
I am not really angry with E.T.—he is the most endearing extraterrestrial character in the history of cinema (except for the dancing alien at the end of “Spaceballs”— “Hello, my baby! Hello, my honey…”— Classic!)
“But good for God! The Almighty tells the Israelites, “Don’t gimme any excuses. Religious satisfaction, holiness, being a good person isn’t OUT THERE somewhere.
(That’s where the Truth is… Mulder)
“You don’t need to go searching for it. God, faith, kindness, love, whatever you want to call it—it’s inside of you! Each and every one of you.”
God was speaking to the people, through Moses (Deut. 31:1) for one of the last times. God knew the people were gonna be all, “Oh no! Moses is dying, what ever shall we do? We need a leader!”
Relax!
You don’t need to rely on Moses to talk to God “up in heaven” or go over “beyond the sea”— because the word of God is in your “hearts and mouths.” True success, victory, harmony—it all starts inside you.
After all, people were created in “God’s image” (Genesis 1:26, 5:1). So just take a look at yourself. BAM! There’s God.
And even if you don’t believe in God… believe in E.T. !
.
Quick recap:
It's the end of Deuteronomy, Moses is about to die, the Israelites are about to enter the Holy Land.
God is talking, yakkity-yak, as usual—
"If you follow my commandments, I’ll give you land, children, a shave and a haircut (two bits).
If you sin… you’re ass is grass, and I’m gonna start a brushfire!"
(more or less)
The main rule: “…turn unto the Lord thy God with all thy heart and with all thy soul…” (Deut. 30:10)
Heart and Soul?
Cue Tom Hanks on that Big piano!
Now check out verses 12 and 13—
“This commandment… it is not hidden from thee, neither is it far off… It is not in heaven… neither is it beyond the sea…”
Somewhere…
Waiting for me…
Oh, ya gotta love Bobby Darin!
But wait! I’m gonna fill in those ellipses:
Verses 12-14 in their entirety—
God says, regarding the commandment to love the Almighty:
“It is not in heaven, that thou should say, ‘Who shall go up for us to heaven, and bring it unto us, that we may hear it and do it?’
“Neither is it beyond the sea, that thou should say, ‘Who shall go over the sea for us, and bring it unto us, that we may hear it and do it?’
“But the word is very night unto thee, in thy mouth and in thy heart that thou mayest do it.”
Woah!
E.T. anyone?
At the end of the movie, as the cute lil’ alien is about to leave on his spaceship, he says goodbye and tells his friend: “Elliot… I’ll be right… here.”
And the adorable E.T. points his glowing finger right at Elliot’s crotch.
Heart! I meant heart! He points to Elliot’s heart.
Precious.
Well, guess what! That little alien bastard totally ripped off God!
God was there first, you Muppet Show reject!
(ahem)
I am not really angry with E.T.—he is the most endearing extraterrestrial character in the history of cinema (except for the dancing alien at the end of “Spaceballs”— “Hello, my baby! Hello, my honey…”— Classic!)
“But good for God! The Almighty tells the Israelites, “Don’t gimme any excuses. Religious satisfaction, holiness, being a good person isn’t OUT THERE somewhere.
(That’s where the Truth is… Mulder)
“You don’t need to go searching for it. God, faith, kindness, love, whatever you want to call it—it’s inside of you! Each and every one of you.”
God was speaking to the people, through Moses (Deut. 31:1) for one of the last times. God knew the people were gonna be all, “Oh no! Moses is dying, what ever shall we do? We need a leader!”
Relax!
You don’t need to rely on Moses to talk to God “up in heaven” or go over “beyond the sea”— because the word of God is in your “hearts and mouths.” True success, victory, harmony—it all starts inside you.
After all, people were created in “God’s image” (Genesis 1:26, 5:1). So just take a look at yourself. BAM! There’s God.
And even if you don’t believe in God… believe in E.T. !
.
Tuesday, December 22
"Double, double toil and trouble..." -- Shakespeare's "Macbeth" (Act 4, scene 1)
.
Ned Flanders: [reading] Harry Potter, and all his wizard friends, went
straight to Hell for practicing witchcraft.
Todd Flanders: Yay!
[Ned tosses the book into the fireplace]
-- "The Simpsons"
( season 12, ep. 18, written by Matt Selman)
Hey, Fans of Sc-Fi/Fantasy!
And to all you religious right wingers out there, who think Harry Potter is evil and promotes witchcraft and Satanism and ... gum disease... and... poor posture...
Check it:
The Bible mentions...
Dragons, Witches, Unicorns and Wizards-- Oh my! Three of which show up in Deuteronomy:
"Their wine is the poison of dragons" (Deut. 32:33)
"There shall not be found among you... an enchanter or a witch" (Deut. 18:10)
"And his horns are like the horns of unicorns" (Deut. 33:17)
"And Saul had put away... the wizards out of the land" (First Samuel 28:3)
And let's not forget King Saul visiting a soothsayer, who conjures up the ghost of Samuel the prophet (First Samuel 28:7-25).
(No details about whether or not the soothsayer was played by Whoopi Goldberg)
Granted, most of these mythical creatures are mentioned in negative contexts throughout the Scriptures... but they're still mentioned!
If you're gonna take the Bible literally... take EVERYTHING literally.
So Bala'am's donkey talked to him (Numbers 22:28)... Maybe the donkey had the voice of Eddie Murphy.
Plus,
Moses had a magic wand way before Harry Potter:
"Take thy rod and cast it before Pharaoh and it shall become a serpent" (Exodus 7:9)
"And the Lord said unto Moses... Lift up thy rod and stretch out thine hand over the sea and divide it...'" (Exodus 14:15-16)
.
Ned Flanders: [reading] Harry Potter, and all his wizard friends, went
straight to Hell for practicing witchcraft.
Todd Flanders: Yay!
[Ned tosses the book into the fireplace]
-- "The Simpsons"
( season 12, ep. 18, written by Matt Selman)
Hey, Fans of Sc-Fi/Fantasy!
And to all you religious right wingers out there, who think Harry Potter is evil and promotes witchcraft and Satanism and ... gum disease... and... poor posture...
Check it:
The Bible mentions...
Dragons, Witches, Unicorns and Wizards-- Oh my! Three of which show up in Deuteronomy:
"Their wine is the poison of dragons" (Deut. 32:33)
"There shall not be found among you... an enchanter or a witch" (Deut. 18:10)
"And his horns are like the horns of unicorns" (Deut. 33:17)
"And Saul had put away... the wizards out of the land" (First Samuel 28:3)
And let's not forget King Saul visiting a soothsayer, who conjures up the ghost of Samuel the prophet (First Samuel 28:7-25).
(No details about whether or not the soothsayer was played by Whoopi Goldberg)
Granted, most of these mythical creatures are mentioned in negative contexts throughout the Scriptures... but they're still mentioned!
If you're gonna take the Bible literally... take EVERYTHING literally.
So Bala'am's donkey talked to him (Numbers 22:28)... Maybe the donkey had the voice of Eddie Murphy.
Plus,
Moses had a magic wand way before Harry Potter:
"Take thy rod and cast it before Pharaoh and it shall become a serpent" (Exodus 7:9)
"And the Lord said unto Moses... Lift up thy rod and stretch out thine hand over the sea and divide it...'" (Exodus 14:15-16)
.
"A Jew? Here??..." -- Blinkin, "Robin Hood: Men In Tights"
.
Today at The Conservative Yeshiva in Jerusalem, my Bible class watched a DVD of the musical "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat."
Oh yeah.
It was a good day.
" Potiphar was cool and SO fine/
But his wife could never tow the line/
It’s all there in chapter thirty-nine/
Of Genesis "
-- from “Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat”, lyrics by Tim Rice
You’re darn right it is--
Genesis 39 (summary):
“And Joseph was brought down to Egypt, and Potiphar, an officer of Pharaoh... bought him…” (verse 1)
“And Joseph served him… he had made him overseer in his house” (vv. 4-5)
“His master’s wife cast her eyes upon Joseph; and she said, Lie with me” (v.7)
“But he refused…” (v.8)
Then what does Potiphar’s wife tell her hubby and all the other servants?
“… he came unto me to lie with me and I cried with a loud voice” (v. 14)
What a lying, scornful cougar!
But wait—one more thing:
“And she spake unto him according to these words, saying, ‘The Hebrew servant which thou hast brought unto us came in unto me to mock me.’”
-- Gen. 39:17
Woah woah woah.
Ex-squeeze me. Baking powder?
“Hebrew” servant?
Why does she have to throw that “Hebrew” part in there?
Well, let’s ask a guy a helluva lot smarter than yours truly:
"If my theory of relativity is proven successful, Germany will claim me as a German and France will declare that I am citizen of the world. If my theory is proven to be untrue, then France will say that I am a German, and Germany will say that I am a Jew."
-- Albert Einstein
As Jews, we represent... the lollipop guild!
(Ahem)
No.
If you're reading this, I'm assuming you're Jewish.
If you're not... guess what? I just made you an honorary M.O.T. (Member Of the Tribe)! Mazel Tov!
There aren't a lot of Jews in the world (about 1/5 of 1 percent of the world's population).
As Jews, each one of us represents all of us… whether or not we choose to, our behavior reflects on Jewish people everywhere.
Jews are linked the world over. When one of us succeeds, we all succeed. And when one of us screws up…
Hey, Jewish folk reading this— Do you remember when you first heard about—
David Berkowtiz.
*Wince*
Meyer Lansky
*Damn*
Or
Bernie Madoff
*Come on!*
It hurts us all, gives Jews a bad name.
But, hey, let’s not forget—
Elie Wiesel
*Huzzah!*
Steven Spielberg
*Right on!*
Or 25% of the world’s Nobel Prize winners for both Physics and Medicine/Physiology
*Pocket Protectors Unite!*
Not to mention ol’ Albert.
A Jew making good in the world is like your home team winning the big game (“That’s right! Atta boy! That’s one for us!”)
And when Roman Polanski or Woody Allen pop up in the tabloids… we cringe together.
But Jonas Salk cured polio!... and celebrated Passover!
“We’re all in this together!”
-- those annoying kids from Disney’s “High School Musical”
(two of whom are Jewish!)
(...so I guess they're okay)
.
Today at The Conservative Yeshiva in Jerusalem, my Bible class watched a DVD of the musical "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat."
Oh yeah.
It was a good day.
" Potiphar was cool and SO fine/
But his wife could never tow the line/
It’s all there in chapter thirty-nine/
Of Genesis "
-- from “Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat”, lyrics by Tim Rice
You’re darn right it is--
Genesis 39 (summary):
“And Joseph was brought down to Egypt, and Potiphar, an officer of Pharaoh... bought him…” (verse 1)
“And Joseph served him… he had made him overseer in his house” (vv. 4-5)
“His master’s wife cast her eyes upon Joseph; and she said, Lie with me” (v.7)
“But he refused…” (v.8)
Then what does Potiphar’s wife tell her hubby and all the other servants?
“… he came unto me to lie with me and I cried with a loud voice” (v. 14)
What a lying, scornful cougar!
But wait—one more thing:
“And she spake unto him according to these words, saying, ‘The Hebrew servant which thou hast brought unto us came in unto me to mock me.’”
-- Gen. 39:17
Woah woah woah.
Ex-squeeze me. Baking powder?
“Hebrew” servant?
Why does she have to throw that “Hebrew” part in there?
Well, let’s ask a guy a helluva lot smarter than yours truly:
"If my theory of relativity is proven successful, Germany will claim me as a German and France will declare that I am citizen of the world. If my theory is proven to be untrue, then France will say that I am a German, and Germany will say that I am a Jew."
-- Albert Einstein
As Jews, we represent... the lollipop guild!
(Ahem)
No.
If you're reading this, I'm assuming you're Jewish.
If you're not... guess what? I just made you an honorary M.O.T. (Member Of the Tribe)! Mazel Tov!
There aren't a lot of Jews in the world (about 1/5 of 1 percent of the world's population).
As Jews, each one of us represents all of us… whether or not we choose to, our behavior reflects on Jewish people everywhere.
Jews are linked the world over. When one of us succeeds, we all succeed. And when one of us screws up…
Hey, Jewish folk reading this— Do you remember when you first heard about—
David Berkowtiz.
*Wince*
Meyer Lansky
*Damn*
Or
Bernie Madoff
*Come on!*
It hurts us all, gives Jews a bad name.
But, hey, let’s not forget—
Elie Wiesel
*Huzzah!*
Steven Spielberg
*Right on!*
Or 25% of the world’s Nobel Prize winners for both Physics and Medicine/Physiology
*Pocket Protectors Unite!*
Not to mention ol’ Albert.
A Jew making good in the world is like your home team winning the big game (“That’s right! Atta boy! That’s one for us!”)
And when Roman Polanski or Woody Allen pop up in the tabloids… we cringe together.
But Jonas Salk cured polio!... and celebrated Passover!
“We’re all in this together!”
-- those annoying kids from Disney’s “High School Musical”
(two of whom are Jewish!)
(...so I guess they're okay)
.
Monday, December 21
"Wonder of Wonders"
.
Blessed are you, Lord, our God, Ruler of the Universe
Who performed miracles for our ancestors in those ancient times in this season.”
-- Blessing over Hanukkah Candles
Jules: This was Divine Intervention! You know what "divine intervention" is?
Vincent: Yeah, I think so. That means God came down from Heaven and stopped the bullets.
...
Jules: Whether or not what we experienced was an According to Hoyle miracle is insignificant. What is significant is that I felt the touch of God. God got involved.”
-- Vincent (John Travolta) and Jules (Samuel L. Jackson), “Pulp Fiction” (1994, written by Quentin Tarantino, Roger Avary)
What makes something a miracle? Is childbirth a miracle? It happens thousands of times every day? How can THAT be miraculous?
Well, my heart beats thousands of times each day… good thing, too, because if it didn’t I would suddenly drop…
… I’m okay!
Still, think of all the little things that are happening inside your body right now! Every breath, every lymph node, muscle, cell—all just to keep you alive long enough to finish reading this sentence!
You did it! Good job!
It’s still amazing.
Every few weeks I say the same thing…
“I can’t BELIEVE Obama is President!”
In a good way.
Like him or not… it’s pretty damn extraordinary that he’s the head honcho (technical political term) of the USA. That could be considered a miracle.
I have heard an old saying, “There are two types of people: those who think EVERYTHING is a miracle, and those who think NOTHING is a miracle.”
As is the case with almost everything, I believe the truth falls somewhere in the middle.
If you think NOTHING is a miracle, you’re probably not much fun to be around.
If you think EVERYTHING is a miracle, you’re a huge pain in the ass (“ANOTHER flavor of Ben and Jerry’s? What a miracle! Hallelujah! Oh, Almighty-- you’ve done it again!”)
The famous American rabbi/philosopher, Abraham Joshua Heschel, often said, “A miracle happened today— the sun rose.”
On a similar note, the equally-influential (at least to me) comedian Louis C.K. pointed out:
“Everything is amazing right now and nobody’s happy…
I was on an airplane… People come back from flights and they tell you their story.
And [they act like] it’s a horror story:
‘It was the worst day of my life! We didn’t BOARD for TWENTY MINUTES, then we got on the plane and they made us SIT THERE on the runway for FORTY MINUTES!’
Oh, yeah? And what happened next?
Did you FLY through the AIR-- INCREDIBLY?
Like a bird? Did you partake in the miracle of human flight?
… It’s AMAZING!... You’re flying! You’re sitting in a chair— IN THE SKY!!”
Amen.
.
"Great, Miracle. Happened, Here"
-- Letter representations on the 4 sides of a dreidel (spinning top) in Israel
.
Blessed are you, Lord, our God, Ruler of the Universe
Who performed miracles for our ancestors in those ancient times in this season.”
-- Blessing over Hanukkah Candles
Jules: This was Divine Intervention! You know what "divine intervention" is?
Vincent: Yeah, I think so. That means God came down from Heaven and stopped the bullets.
...
Jules: Whether or not what we experienced was an According to Hoyle miracle is insignificant. What is significant is that I felt the touch of God. God got involved.”
-- Vincent (John Travolta) and Jules (Samuel L. Jackson), “Pulp Fiction” (1994, written by Quentin Tarantino, Roger Avary)
What makes something a miracle? Is childbirth a miracle? It happens thousands of times every day? How can THAT be miraculous?
Well, my heart beats thousands of times each day… good thing, too, because if it didn’t I would suddenly drop…
… I’m okay!
Still, think of all the little things that are happening inside your body right now! Every breath, every lymph node, muscle, cell—all just to keep you alive long enough to finish reading this sentence!
You did it! Good job!
It’s still amazing.
Every few weeks I say the same thing…
“I can’t BELIEVE Obama is President!”
In a good way.
Like him or not… it’s pretty damn extraordinary that he’s the head honcho (technical political term) of the USA. That could be considered a miracle.
I have heard an old saying, “There are two types of people: those who think EVERYTHING is a miracle, and those who think NOTHING is a miracle.”
As is the case with almost everything, I believe the truth falls somewhere in the middle.
If you think NOTHING is a miracle, you’re probably not much fun to be around.
If you think EVERYTHING is a miracle, you’re a huge pain in the ass (“ANOTHER flavor of Ben and Jerry’s? What a miracle! Hallelujah! Oh, Almighty-- you’ve done it again!”)
The famous American rabbi/philosopher, Abraham Joshua Heschel, often said, “A miracle happened today— the sun rose.”
On a similar note, the equally-influential (at least to me) comedian Louis C.K. pointed out:
“Everything is amazing right now and nobody’s happy…
I was on an airplane… People come back from flights and they tell you their story.
And [they act like] it’s a horror story:
‘It was the worst day of my life! We didn’t BOARD for TWENTY MINUTES, then we got on the plane and they made us SIT THERE on the runway for FORTY MINUTES!’
Oh, yeah? And what happened next?
Did you FLY through the AIR-- INCREDIBLY?
Like a bird? Did you partake in the miracle of human flight?
… It’s AMAZING!... You’re flying! You’re sitting in a chair— IN THE SKY!!”
Amen.
.
"Great, Miracle. Happened, Here"
-- Letter representations on the 4 sides of a dreidel (spinning top) in Israel
.
Saturday, December 12
"My gift is my song..." -- (Sir Elton)
.
December 11th, 2009
Tonight marks the first night of Hanukkah, and if you know your Adam Sandler oeuvre, that is "The Festival Lights."
("Instead of one day of presents we get eight crazy nights")
I received my first present today, when my wife of (nearly) 6 months gave me the most precious gift of all... (wait for it)... a haircut!
That's right!
After watching (literally) a 3-minute tutorial she found on Youtube, using only my razor and some scissors she found in a desk drawer… SHE cut my hair!
And, might I add, I look great!
(now that the bleeding has stopped... kidding! ha ha... gulp).
Really-- If Brad Pitt were short and Jewish and received a haircut from my wife, he’d look just like me!
It was a great gift.
Which reminds me:
“…A gift doth blind the eyes of the wise and pervert the word of the righteous”
(Deut. 16:19)
So I guess my wife made me a pervert!
Oh happy day! I have an excuse to continue my curious “experiments” with hummus
& babganoush
(even *I’m * sure what that’s supposed to mean)
Actually, this saying about “gifts blinding the wise” is listed as a part of the modus operandi of judges and officers among the Israelites. It’s basically a prohibition against bribing officials… which is a pretty good rule.
Because it’s true— gifts can cloud our judgment.
Over the last four years I have taught Hebrew School in Park Slope, Brooklyn. Every December, the parents of a few students would give me a little Hanukkah gift— a book, a giftcard, banana bread, what-have-you. And I must admit, after receiving the gift I tended to be more patient and complimentary with the children of those gift-giving parents (“Wow! Great job, Shlomo! What a… creative drawing of Moses… How’s about you try it again, but draw some pants on him, ‘kay? It looks like he’s about to violate at least three of the Ten Commandments.”).
.
December 11th, 2009
Tonight marks the first night of Hanukkah, and if you know your Adam Sandler oeuvre, that is "The Festival Lights."
("Instead of one day of presents we get eight crazy nights")
I received my first present today, when my wife of (nearly) 6 months gave me the most precious gift of all... (wait for it)... a haircut!
That's right!
After watching (literally) a 3-minute tutorial she found on Youtube, using only my razor and some scissors she found in a desk drawer… SHE cut my hair!
And, might I add, I look great!
(now that the bleeding has stopped... kidding! ha ha... gulp).
Really-- If Brad Pitt were short and Jewish and received a haircut from my wife, he’d look just like me!
It was a great gift.
Which reminds me:
“…A gift doth blind the eyes of the wise and pervert the word of the righteous”
(Deut. 16:19)
So I guess my wife made me a pervert!
Oh happy day! I have an excuse to continue my curious “experiments” with hummus
& babganoush
(even *I’m * sure what that’s supposed to mean)
Actually, this saying about “gifts blinding the wise” is listed as a part of the modus operandi of judges and officers among the Israelites. It’s basically a prohibition against bribing officials… which is a pretty good rule.
Because it’s true— gifts can cloud our judgment.
Over the last four years I have taught Hebrew School in Park Slope, Brooklyn. Every December, the parents of a few students would give me a little Hanukkah gift— a book, a giftcard, banana bread, what-have-you. And I must admit, after receiving the gift I tended to be more patient and complimentary with the children of those gift-giving parents (“Wow! Great job, Shlomo! What a… creative drawing of Moses… How’s about you try it again, but draw some pants on him, ‘kay? It looks like he’s about to violate at least three of the Ten Commandments.”).
.
Thursday, December 10
“Brothers don’t shake hands. Brothers gotta hug!” – Chris Farley, “Tommy Boy”
.
“[They] were like brothers to me. And when I say brother, I don't mean, like, an actual brother, but I mean it like the way black people use it. Which is more meaningful, I think.”
--Derek Zoolander (Ben Stiller)
“And Esau ran to meet him and embraced him, and fell on his neck and kissed him and they wept.”
-- (Gen. 33:4)
“And Esau said, ‘I have enough, my brother, keep what thou hast unto thyself.’ And Jacob said... "Receive my present at my hand, for therefore I have seen thy face as though I had seen the face of God and thou wast pleased with me.'”
-- (Gen. 33:8-10)
The first act of true brotherly love in the Bible… is done by the big hairy hunter, Esau.
Forgiveness.
Yeah, So what?
Was it really THAT impressive, what Esau said and did?
Well… Yeah!
First, here’s a quick recap of siblings mentioned in Genesis:
The first kids born… EVER… in the world—
Two brothers, Cain and Abel.
Cain kills Abel. (4:8)
(Just for the record, Cain and Abel are born in verses 1 and 2… Cain kills Abel in verse 8… It took about 7 verses before Cain thought, “I can’t take this crap anymore! One of us HAS to go!” Now THAT is a short fuse.)
(ahem)
Moving on…!
Noah has three sons, one of whom (Ham) spies on Noah getting drunk in the buff. Ham tells his brothers, and Noah (once he sobers up) curses his Ham, condemning his offspring to be slaves to his brothers’ offspring (Gen. 9:22, 24-25).
Bummer.
Then along comes Abraham.
He has two sons: Ishmael, his eldest, gets kicked to the curb once Isaac is born (Gen. 16). Then Abe takes Isaac (that little bundle of joy he begged God for), drags him up a mountain and nearly slices his head off! (Gen. 22)
Those are Abe’s sons!
Those lucky S.O.B.s!
Then Isaac grows up, probably emotionally scarred for life
(He could open a newsstand, he’s got so many issues… Damn, Isaac! You just got served!).
But Izzy raises two twin boys, Esau and Jacob, who don’t exactly get along—
Jacob lies, deceives his dad and snatches Esau’s inheritance, then Jake hits the road, fearing for his life because he must’ve read about Cain and Abel, too…
“And Esau hated Jacob…and Esau said in his heart ‘… Then I will slay my brother Jacob.’” (Gen. 27:41).
Sibling Rivalry… to put it mildly.
So it’s hard to get along with people… especially those who share your DNA.
I also grew up with a twin brother.
My brother is fond of saying we’ve known each other since the “Placenta Years.”
Ha ha!
… I suppose that is when the problems began.
Keep in mind, in Biblical times, the eldest son got EVERYTHING!
When Isaac blesses Jacob, THINKING he was his eldest son Esau, Isaac sheepishly tells Esau, “I have made him thy lord, and all his brethren have I given to him for servants; … and [thou] shalt serve thy brother…”
(Gen. 27:37, 40)
Damn! That’s not the same as getting to stay up an extra half-hour!
And besides, they were TWINS! They were virtually the same age!
Like Esau, I was the older twin.
I’m older… like Esau.
I was born 15 minutes before my brother… Fifteen minutes! And it doesn’t make any difference!
I didn’t anything constructive with the time (I didn’t have my Sudoku book with me). I came out—BAM!
I chatted with the nurse:
“How YOU doin’?... Wow, good to be here. You wouldn’t BELIEVE who I came here with!
Good-lookin’ guy, don’t get me wrong… but boy! He was totally crowding my personal space… he was all up in my fetus grill.”
Actually I was born first because of complications with my brother. He was coming out backwards… out my mom’s ass.
Ha!
No, actually it was a C-section, it was kind of serious… The umbilical chord was wrapped around my brother’s neck… I have no idea how THAT happened.
(wink)
But my brother and I were very different, despite looking exactly alike.
Not quite as different as Jake and Esau:
“And the boys grew: and Esau was a cunning hunter, a man of the field; and Jacob was a plain man, dwelling in tents.”
(Gen. 25:27)
Freshman year of high school, I was on the baseball team.
My twin brother was singing and dancing in the big, school-wide production of “Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor DreamGay—um, I meant coat! Dreamcoat!”
I heard all about the musical for months, and I mocked my brother mercilessly, skeptical of the whole thing
… until that May
… when I saw the production.
Damn!
I was SO jealous!
It... was… AWESOME!!!
I never went back to the baseball team.
The next year I auditioned for the musical, got a part, and there was no turning back! I couldn’t be happier!
My brother, on the other hand…
“Why can’t you stay on the baseball team?" he pleaded. "Things were great before— we were individuals! We were in our separate worlds! I was the ‘Acting’ twin, you were the ‘Sporty’ twin!”
Despite my brother’s desire to label us like the Spice Girls, I wanted to be in the musical too!
And soon we resolved our differences. We came to respect each other as actors and as people.
Once we started performing onstage together, just like it had with Jacob and Esau, the tension melted away…
“And Esau ran to meet him and embraced him, and fell on his neck and kissed him and they wept.”
-- (Gen. 33:4)
Well, it wasn’t quite as gay as that… but we learned to get along.
(I know, my second gay joke… But come on: man-on-man embrace, kissing… neck… crying. That’s pretty gay)
Decades after he stole Esau’s birthright, Jacob was still terrified that his brother would kill him and all his family (Gen. 32:12).
After all, so far in the Bible, siblings had killed each other for a lot less.
But Esau surprises his brother… and totally forgives him!
The burly, meat-eating, grudge-holding hunter… is actually full of decency and has the heart of a righteous man (like Gandhi, Jackie Robinson or a Tom Hanks character)!
Because that’s what family does.
Forgive.
A friend of mine often says, “You can forgive and forget… Or you can just forgive… But if you want to stay close with someone, forgiveness is not an option.”
And my brother has forgiven me many-a time.
About ten years ago I was involved with "Amnesty International" and researching the genocide in Rwanda, as the Hutu militia massacred the Tutsi people. It had drawn many parallels to the Holocaust. One day, my family was gathered together in the T.V. room watching “Schindler’s List” on HBO. In the middle, I ran upstairs to my bedroom. I was so upset that a similar tragedy was still going on in the world.
My twin brother came upstairs, sat down next to me, put his arm around me and said, “It’s okay, Aaron. It’s okay.”
And I did what anyone else would do…
I punched him in the face!
Yes, I did.
Because the only way to stop genocide… is to bash your twin brother in the nose.
I was angry and frustrated and … I took it out on him.
Once I collected myself and realized I had been a complete dick... I apologized.
And my brother, in a truly magnanimous, Esau-esque gesture, forgave me… Because that’s what brothers do.
Thanks, bro.
.
“[They] were like brothers to me. And when I say brother, I don't mean, like, an actual brother, but I mean it like the way black people use it. Which is more meaningful, I think.”
--Derek Zoolander (Ben Stiller)
“And Esau ran to meet him and embraced him, and fell on his neck and kissed him and they wept.”
-- (Gen. 33:4)
“And Esau said, ‘I have enough, my brother, keep what thou hast unto thyself.’ And Jacob said... "Receive my present at my hand, for therefore I have seen thy face as though I had seen the face of God and thou wast pleased with me.'”
-- (Gen. 33:8-10)
The first act of true brotherly love in the Bible… is done by the big hairy hunter, Esau.
Forgiveness.
Yeah, So what?
Was it really THAT impressive, what Esau said and did?
Well… Yeah!
First, here’s a quick recap of siblings mentioned in Genesis:
The first kids born… EVER… in the world—
Two brothers, Cain and Abel.
Cain kills Abel. (4:8)
(Just for the record, Cain and Abel are born in verses 1 and 2… Cain kills Abel in verse 8… It took about 7 verses before Cain thought, “I can’t take this crap anymore! One of us HAS to go!” Now THAT is a short fuse.)
(ahem)
Moving on…!
Noah has three sons, one of whom (Ham) spies on Noah getting drunk in the buff. Ham tells his brothers, and Noah (once he sobers up) curses his Ham, condemning his offspring to be slaves to his brothers’ offspring (Gen. 9:22, 24-25).
Bummer.
Then along comes Abraham.
He has two sons: Ishmael, his eldest, gets kicked to the curb once Isaac is born (Gen. 16). Then Abe takes Isaac (that little bundle of joy he begged God for), drags him up a mountain and nearly slices his head off! (Gen. 22)
Those are Abe’s sons!
Those lucky S.O.B.s!
Then Isaac grows up, probably emotionally scarred for life
(He could open a newsstand, he’s got so many issues… Damn, Isaac! You just got served!).
But Izzy raises two twin boys, Esau and Jacob, who don’t exactly get along—
Jacob lies, deceives his dad and snatches Esau’s inheritance, then Jake hits the road, fearing for his life because he must’ve read about Cain and Abel, too…
“And Esau hated Jacob…and Esau said in his heart ‘… Then I will slay my brother Jacob.’” (Gen. 27:41).
Sibling Rivalry… to put it mildly.
So it’s hard to get along with people… especially those who share your DNA.
I also grew up with a twin brother.
My brother is fond of saying we’ve known each other since the “Placenta Years.”
Ha ha!
… I suppose that is when the problems began.
Keep in mind, in Biblical times, the eldest son got EVERYTHING!
When Isaac blesses Jacob, THINKING he was his eldest son Esau, Isaac sheepishly tells Esau, “I have made him thy lord, and all his brethren have I given to him for servants; … and [thou] shalt serve thy brother…”
(Gen. 27:37, 40)
Damn! That’s not the same as getting to stay up an extra half-hour!
And besides, they were TWINS! They were virtually the same age!
Like Esau, I was the older twin.
I’m older… like Esau.
I was born 15 minutes before my brother… Fifteen minutes! And it doesn’t make any difference!
I didn’t anything constructive with the time (I didn’t have my Sudoku book with me). I came out—BAM!
I chatted with the nurse:
“How YOU doin’?... Wow, good to be here. You wouldn’t BELIEVE who I came here with!
Good-lookin’ guy, don’t get me wrong… but boy! He was totally crowding my personal space… he was all up in my fetus grill.”
Actually I was born first because of complications with my brother. He was coming out backwards… out my mom’s ass.
Ha!
No, actually it was a C-section, it was kind of serious… The umbilical chord was wrapped around my brother’s neck… I have no idea how THAT happened.
(wink)
But my brother and I were very different, despite looking exactly alike.
Not quite as different as Jake and Esau:
“And the boys grew: and Esau was a cunning hunter, a man of the field; and Jacob was a plain man, dwelling in tents.”
(Gen. 25:27)
Freshman year of high school, I was on the baseball team.
My twin brother was singing and dancing in the big, school-wide production of “Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor DreamGay—um, I meant coat! Dreamcoat!”
I heard all about the musical for months, and I mocked my brother mercilessly, skeptical of the whole thing
… until that May
… when I saw the production.
Damn!
I was SO jealous!
It... was… AWESOME!!!
I never went back to the baseball team.
The next year I auditioned for the musical, got a part, and there was no turning back! I couldn’t be happier!
My brother, on the other hand…
“Why can’t you stay on the baseball team?" he pleaded. "Things were great before— we were individuals! We were in our separate worlds! I was the ‘Acting’ twin, you were the ‘Sporty’ twin!”
Despite my brother’s desire to label us like the Spice Girls, I wanted to be in the musical too!
And soon we resolved our differences. We came to respect each other as actors and as people.
Once we started performing onstage together, just like it had with Jacob and Esau, the tension melted away…
“And Esau ran to meet him and embraced him, and fell on his neck and kissed him and they wept.”
-- (Gen. 33:4)
Well, it wasn’t quite as gay as that… but we learned to get along.
(I know, my second gay joke… But come on: man-on-man embrace, kissing… neck… crying. That’s pretty gay)
Decades after he stole Esau’s birthright, Jacob was still terrified that his brother would kill him and all his family (Gen. 32:12).
After all, so far in the Bible, siblings had killed each other for a lot less.
But Esau surprises his brother… and totally forgives him!
The burly, meat-eating, grudge-holding hunter… is actually full of decency and has the heart of a righteous man (like Gandhi, Jackie Robinson or a Tom Hanks character)!
Because that’s what family does.
Forgive.
A friend of mine often says, “You can forgive and forget… Or you can just forgive… But if you want to stay close with someone, forgiveness is not an option.”
And my brother has forgiven me many-a time.
About ten years ago I was involved with "Amnesty International" and researching the genocide in Rwanda, as the Hutu militia massacred the Tutsi people. It had drawn many parallels to the Holocaust. One day, my family was gathered together in the T.V. room watching “Schindler’s List” on HBO. In the middle, I ran upstairs to my bedroom. I was so upset that a similar tragedy was still going on in the world.
My twin brother came upstairs, sat down next to me, put his arm around me and said, “It’s okay, Aaron. It’s okay.”
And I did what anyone else would do…
I punched him in the face!
Yes, I did.
Because the only way to stop genocide… is to bash your twin brother in the nose.
I was angry and frustrated and … I took it out on him.
Once I collected myself and realized I had been a complete dick... I apologized.
And my brother, in a truly magnanimous, Esau-esque gesture, forgave me… Because that’s what brothers do.
Thanks, bro.
.
Wednesday, December 9
"I ated the purple berries!... It tastes like... burning." -- Ralph Wiggum
.
Guess what!
Another T.M.B.S. moment!
Remember, T.M.B.S. stands for "This Movie is Bull Shit!" --
This refers to the point in a film when believability falters, when you question the reality of the film and roll your eyes and say, "Come onnnnnn!" or "Gimme a break!"
And those moments show up in films and in the Bible all the time!
First-- the latest film:
The missus and I were just watching "Blade," in which the titular character (played by pre-tax-evading-Wesley Snipes) is half-man/half-vampire, who hunts vampires! Irony!
The film, written by David S. Goyer (of new "Batman" films fame) was released in 1998, way before the resurgence in vampire popularity of the last few years, of which my wife is a member.
Like most rabbis-in-training, my wife LOVES vampires.
She has read every book of the "True Blood" and "Twilight" series, and seen the respective HBO series and films. And watched the "Buffy" series religiously (ha!).
During the film's climactic fight, the bad-ass Blade takes on the evil leaders of the vampires (or "suckheads", as Blade calls them... quite the derisive fellow, ain't he?)... Deacon Frost!
In the scene Blade has a few vials of ... some kind of liquid... that blows up vampires. They get knocked out of his hand, go up in the air... and land on the floor, rolling to the side (hmmm, I wonder if they'll be used in a little bit).
At this moment ,my wife throws up her hands and says, "Come on! You're telling me that NONE of those vials broke??"
Sorry, "Blade." You've lost your credibility with my wife. Ninety minutes into this film about Wesley Snipes beating up VAMPIRES... she doesn't believe it!
They just asked her to suspend too much disbelief.
Anyway, Bible time!
Genesis, chapter 30. Jacob has married a pair of sisters, Rachel and Leah. While bigamist-at-large Jake makes it clear that Rachel is his favorite (29:30,33), she is barren! Can't get preggers, no way- no how! And Leah is popping out offspring like a Nerf gun shooting ping pong balls (including Reuben, her eldest).
So what does Rachel come up with?
"And Reuben... found mandrakes in the field, and brought them unto his mother, Leah. Then Rachel said to Leah, 'Give me, I pray thee, of thy son's mandrakes.'" (Gen. 30:14)
Mandrakes, huh (a plant said to improve fertility)?!
The two sisters then cut a deal-- Rachel allows Leah to spend that night with Jacob once Leah gives her sister the magical mandrakes (30:15). Thus we see an early example of the Middle Eastern Jew's penchant for haggling.
Trading a crazy baby plant... for sex. Makes sense to me!
Mandrakes, also mentioned in "The Song of Solomon" (7:13) and said to have a fine fragrance, is "doo-da-yim" in Hebrew -- loosely translated to mean "love plant."
You might remember the mandrake root from the Oscar-winning flick "Pan's Labyrinth," written and directed by Guillermo Del Toro (also dir. of the creepy "Blade 2")!
In the film, a magical faun tells little Ofelia she can restore her sick mother's health by placing a mandrake root in a bowl of fresh milk underneath her bed... then the mandrake turns into a weird quasi-parsnip/infant baby crying and wriggling! Yikes!
Horticulture 101:
The Mandrake, or Mandragora officinarum (ooooh, hoyty-toyty!),
contains deliriant hallucinogenic tropane alkaloids, which do exactly what you'd guess they do: make you CRAZY!
The mandrake also produces orange and red berries which are, of course, poisonous!
And the roots can contain shapes that often resemble human figures, hence the belief that the mandrake roots aids in fertility. Pagan and Wikken rituals also include use of the mandrake.
Thanks Encyclopedia Britannica (11th ed., 1911)!
So Rachel hoped to get knocked up by chewing on a mandrake root!
Reading this, I was like "Come onnnnnn!"
Really, Book of Genesis? -- A root that promotes fertility?! That's ridiculous!
... Now where's that talking bush that turns Moses' stick into a snake?
(All this even though nearly every religion and culture has its own plant-fertility drugs/aphrodisiacs)
After the sisters swap, guess what!
God, always with a sense of humor, causes Leah (after she spends that night with Jacob) to get pregnant AGAIN! And Rachel STILL doesn't! Ouch! That's harsh.
And hard to believe.
But that's what any good film or book or piece of fiction requires-- at least a little suspension of one's disbelief.
Now, remember-- I am a cynic. Which is dangerous.
"I think we too often make choices based on the safety of cynicism, and what we're lead to is a life not fully lived. Cynicism is fear, and it's worse than fear - it's active disengagement."
-- Filmmaker Ken Burns
Check out this exchange from the forgettable 1998 film "Goodbye Lover":
Rollins: Why are you so cynical?
Sgt. Rita Pompano: Because someone killed Bambi's mother.
-- (written by Ron Peer, Joel Cohen, Alec Sokolow)
People get burned, they don't want to put themselves out there.
Cynicism is a safety net, allowing one to stand back and say, "Come onnnnn" or "Shyeah right!" It's a lot easier to mock and criticize than to roll up your sleeves and affect change -- DO something about a situation.
... Like kill some vampires or eat a baby-makin' plant!
"Go and catch a falling star
Get with child a mandrake root
Tell me where all past years are,
Or who cleft the devil's foot..."
-- John Donne, "Song: Go and Catch a Falling Star".
Guess what!
Another T.M.B.S. moment!
Remember, T.M.B.S. stands for "This Movie is Bull Shit!" --
This refers to the point in a film when believability falters, when you question the reality of the film and roll your eyes and say, "Come onnnnnn!" or "Gimme a break!"
And those moments show up in films and in the Bible all the time!
First-- the latest film:
The missus and I were just watching "Blade," in which the titular character (played by pre-tax-evading-Wesley Snipes) is half-man/half-vampire, who hunts vampires! Irony!
The film, written by David S. Goyer (of new "Batman" films fame) was released in 1998, way before the resurgence in vampire popularity of the last few years, of which my wife is a member.
Like most rabbis-in-training, my wife LOVES vampires.
She has read every book of the "True Blood" and "Twilight" series, and seen the respective HBO series and films. And watched the "Buffy" series religiously (ha!).
During the film's climactic fight, the bad-ass Blade takes on the evil leaders of the vampires (or "suckheads", as Blade calls them... quite the derisive fellow, ain't he?)... Deacon Frost!
In the scene Blade has a few vials of ... some kind of liquid... that blows up vampires. They get knocked out of his hand, go up in the air... and land on the floor, rolling to the side (hmmm, I wonder if they'll be used in a little bit).
At this moment ,my wife throws up her hands and says, "Come on! You're telling me that NONE of those vials broke??"
Sorry, "Blade." You've lost your credibility with my wife. Ninety minutes into this film about Wesley Snipes beating up VAMPIRES... she doesn't believe it!
They just asked her to suspend too much disbelief.
Anyway, Bible time!
Genesis, chapter 30. Jacob has married a pair of sisters, Rachel and Leah. While bigamist-at-large Jake makes it clear that Rachel is his favorite (29:30,33), she is barren! Can't get preggers, no way- no how! And Leah is popping out offspring like a Nerf gun shooting ping pong balls (including Reuben, her eldest).
So what does Rachel come up with?
"And Reuben... found mandrakes in the field, and brought them unto his mother, Leah. Then Rachel said to Leah, 'Give me, I pray thee, of thy son's mandrakes.'" (Gen. 30:14)
Mandrakes, huh (a plant said to improve fertility)?!
The two sisters then cut a deal-- Rachel allows Leah to spend that night with Jacob once Leah gives her sister the magical mandrakes (30:15). Thus we see an early example of the Middle Eastern Jew's penchant for haggling.
Trading a crazy baby plant... for sex. Makes sense to me!
Mandrakes, also mentioned in "The Song of Solomon" (7:13) and said to have a fine fragrance, is "doo-da-yim" in Hebrew -- loosely translated to mean "love plant."
You might remember the mandrake root from the Oscar-winning flick "Pan's Labyrinth," written and directed by Guillermo Del Toro (also dir. of the creepy "Blade 2")!
In the film, a magical faun tells little Ofelia she can restore her sick mother's health by placing a mandrake root in a bowl of fresh milk underneath her bed... then the mandrake turns into a weird quasi-parsnip/infant baby crying and wriggling! Yikes!
Horticulture 101:
The Mandrake, or Mandragora officinarum (ooooh, hoyty-toyty!),
contains deliriant hallucinogenic tropane alkaloids, which do exactly what you'd guess they do: make you CRAZY!
The mandrake also produces orange and red berries which are, of course, poisonous!
And the roots can contain shapes that often resemble human figures, hence the belief that the mandrake roots aids in fertility. Pagan and Wikken rituals also include use of the mandrake.
Thanks Encyclopedia Britannica (11th ed., 1911)!
So Rachel hoped to get knocked up by chewing on a mandrake root!
Reading this, I was like "Come onnnnnn!"
Really, Book of Genesis? -- A root that promotes fertility?! That's ridiculous!
... Now where's that talking bush that turns Moses' stick into a snake?
(All this even though nearly every religion and culture has its own plant-fertility drugs/aphrodisiacs)
After the sisters swap, guess what!
God, always with a sense of humor, causes Leah (after she spends that night with Jacob) to get pregnant AGAIN! And Rachel STILL doesn't! Ouch! That's harsh.
And hard to believe.
But that's what any good film or book or piece of fiction requires-- at least a little suspension of one's disbelief.
Now, remember-- I am a cynic. Which is dangerous.
"I think we too often make choices based on the safety of cynicism, and what we're lead to is a life not fully lived. Cynicism is fear, and it's worse than fear - it's active disengagement."
-- Filmmaker Ken Burns
Check out this exchange from the forgettable 1998 film "Goodbye Lover":
Rollins: Why are you so cynical?
Sgt. Rita Pompano: Because someone killed Bambi's mother.
-- (written by Ron Peer, Joel Cohen, Alec Sokolow)
People get burned, they don't want to put themselves out there.
Cynicism is a safety net, allowing one to stand back and say, "Come onnnnn" or "Shyeah right!" It's a lot easier to mock and criticize than to roll up your sleeves and affect change -- DO something about a situation.
... Like kill some vampires or eat a baby-makin' plant!
"Go and catch a falling star
Get with child a mandrake root
Tell me where all past years are,
Or who cleft the devil's foot..."
-- John Donne, "Song: Go and Catch a Falling Star".
"Two Yutes" -- My Cousin Vinny
.
Gen. 37:2
“And Joseph was seventeen… and he was a lad...”
Rashi, the legendary Jewish commentator from 11th century France, explains that Joseph was precocious and petulant to the point of major douchebag-ery!
In other words...
Youth is wasted on the young.
Also, small pox vaccinations.
Dwight Gooden won a Cy Young award and a World Series Title by November of 1986.
He was the best pitcher on the best team in Major League Baseball
... before he was 22 years old.
And then cocaine took over his life. He won zero pitching awards and World Series titles the rest of his career, eventually getting arrested, contemplating suicide, and finally winding up in jail.
James Dean was nominated for two Best Actor Academy Awards before he was 25.
He was also dead.
Before he was 27 years old, team captain Derek Jeter had won 4 World Series championships with the New York Yankees.
I am 27 years old.
And I have won… (ahem) fewer... World Series championships.
But… um…
The Yankees suck.
Yeah!
Being young is great.
But it's not perfect.
"As a teenager I was so insecure. I was the type of guy that never fit in because I never dared to choose. I was convinced I had absolutely no talent at all. For nothing. And that thought took away all my ambition, too."
-Johnny Depp
Besides, if you start out at the top when you're young... you have nowhere to go but down.
"I was 33 when the show [E.R.] hit. You've almost been famous several times, so you're prepared for the fact that it has very little to do with you.
I got a lot of good lessons through life before I got around to the show being successful. So it's better...
I feel sorry for any kid who's 20 years old and hits it [fame] because I don't know how you handle it, I don't know how you do it."
-- George Clooney, in a 2007 Interview
"Rejoice, O young man, in thy youth; and let thy heart cheer thee in the days of thy youth, and walk in the ways of thine heart... but know thou, that for all these things God will bring thee into judgment."
--(Ecclesiastes 11:9)
.
Gen. 37:2
“And Joseph was seventeen… and he was a lad...”
Rashi, the legendary Jewish commentator from 11th century France, explains that Joseph was precocious and petulant to the point of major douchebag-ery!
In other words...
Youth is wasted on the young.
Also, small pox vaccinations.
Dwight Gooden won a Cy Young award and a World Series Title by November of 1986.
He was the best pitcher on the best team in Major League Baseball
... before he was 22 years old.
And then cocaine took over his life. He won zero pitching awards and World Series titles the rest of his career, eventually getting arrested, contemplating suicide, and finally winding up in jail.
James Dean was nominated for two Best Actor Academy Awards before he was 25.
He was also dead.
Before he was 27 years old, team captain Derek Jeter had won 4 World Series championships with the New York Yankees.
I am 27 years old.
And I have won… (ahem) fewer... World Series championships.
But… um…
The Yankees suck.
Yeah!
Being young is great.
But it's not perfect.
"As a teenager I was so insecure. I was the type of guy that never fit in because I never dared to choose. I was convinced I had absolutely no talent at all. For nothing. And that thought took away all my ambition, too."
-Johnny Depp
Besides, if you start out at the top when you're young... you have nowhere to go but down.
"I was 33 when the show [E.R.] hit. You've almost been famous several times, so you're prepared for the fact that it has very little to do with you.
I got a lot of good lessons through life before I got around to the show being successful. So it's better...
I feel sorry for any kid who's 20 years old and hits it [fame] because I don't know how you handle it, I don't know how you do it."
-- George Clooney, in a 2007 Interview
"Rejoice, O young man, in thy youth; and let thy heart cheer thee in the days of thy youth, and walk in the ways of thine heart... but know thou, that for all these things God will bring thee into judgment."
--(Ecclesiastes 11:9)
.
Tuesday, December 8
Me and my buddy
.
"And I will bless them that bless thee, and curse them that curse thee."
-- Gen. 12:3
"If thou shalt indeed obey his voice... then I will be an enemy unto thine enemies and an adversary unto thine adversaries."
-- Ex. 23:22
God is making a deal with the Israelites ("Quid pro quo, Clarice"; from the last entry).
"If you do as I say, I got your back! You my boy! Ain't no one gonna mess with you!"
"And if by some chance an honest man like yourself made enemies they would become my enemies. And then, they would fear you."
-- Don Corleone, to Bonasera,
"The Godfather" (1972, screenplay by Mario Puzo and Francis Ford Coppola)
A predominance of "Godfather" quotes as of late.
Am I comparing The Almighty to a mob boss?
I guess I am... but Brando DID win the Oscar for it.
But that's the big bargaining chip between God and Abraham/Moses/the Israelites.
That's what being a part of a group is all about. That's why people join gangs. Someone has your back! Someone is watching out for you.
And that's a lot!
"Forget them slayer, I got your back."
-- Spike, "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (TV series, created by Joss Whedon)
.
"And I will bless them that bless thee, and curse them that curse thee."
-- Gen. 12:3
"If thou shalt indeed obey his voice... then I will be an enemy unto thine enemies and an adversary unto thine adversaries."
-- Ex. 23:22
God is making a deal with the Israelites ("Quid pro quo, Clarice"; from the last entry).
"If you do as I say, I got your back! You my boy! Ain't no one gonna mess with you!"
"And if by some chance an honest man like yourself made enemies they would become my enemies. And then, they would fear you."
-- Don Corleone, to Bonasera,
"The Godfather" (1972, screenplay by Mario Puzo and Francis Ford Coppola)
A predominance of "Godfather" quotes as of late.
Am I comparing The Almighty to a mob boss?
I guess I am... but Brando DID win the Oscar for it.
But that's the big bargaining chip between God and Abraham/Moses/the Israelites.
That's what being a part of a group is all about. That's why people join gangs. Someone has your back! Someone is watching out for you.
And that's a lot!
"Forget them slayer, I got your back."
-- Spike, "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (TV series, created by Joss Whedon)
.
"Quid pro quo, Clarice" -- Hannibal Lecter
.
Here is a little story from Genesis that I never knew about!
First,
“And Abram was very rich in cattle, in silver and gold”
(Gen. 13:2)
Who knew? I always imagined Abram (later becomes Abraham) as a quiet, peaceful shepherd, living a simple life.
Turns out, that dude was LOADED!
And he could kick some serious ass!
Check it--
It so happened that a bunch of kings made an alliance, led by a guy named Chedorlaomer (Hebrew for “cheese of the omer”), the king of Elam (somewhere in east Mesopotamia).
Unfortunately, they squared off against Bera and Birsha, the two kings of Sodom and Gomorrah, respectively. This was before S & G were destroyed by God.
Too bad for Chedorlaomer and his gang—they ransacked Sodom and Gomorrah and kidnapped their inhabitants, including Lot, Abe’s brother.
Big mistake.
If Abe were an action star, this is where he’d say, “Now… it’s personal!”
Check this out:
“When Abram heard that his brother was taken captive, he armed his trained servants… and pursued them.
“And he divided himself against them, he and his servants, by night and smote them…
“And he brought back all the goods and also… his brother Lot, and his women and the people.”
(Gen. 14:14-16)
Lo and behold! Abram was a rich bad-ass!
But here’s the cool part:
After all that, Abe returns the stolen goods to the grateful king of Sodom. The king tells Abe, “Give me the persons, and take the goods to thyself” (v.21).
Sweet!
But wait—what does Abe do? He says:
“I will not take from a thread even to a shoe latchet and I will not take anything that is thine, lest thou should say, ‘I have made Abram rich.’” (v.23)
The Jewish Publication Society Bible has a more vernacular translation:
“I will not take so much as a thread or a sandal strap of what is yours; you shall not say, ‘It is I who made Abram rich.’”
Damn!
THAT is the definition of cool!
Like in “Three Amigos!” or “Space Balls,” two films integral to my childhood, released within 6 months of each other (between 1986 and 1987), seminal in the formation of my personality.
As far as I was concerned, those films were the epitome of westerns and sci-fi flicks, respectively. That’s all I knew… and it was plenty!
And they both showed me how a hero behaved… just like Abraham!
At the end of each film, the heroes refuse rewards for saving the day.
The “Three Amigos!” (played impeccably by Marin Short, Steve Martin and Chevy Chase… back when they were all funny) save the people of a little Mexican village, Santa Polko. When they offer a reward, the Three Amigos refuse!
Ned Nederlander (Martin Short): “Our reward is that justice has been done!”
At the conclusion of “Spaceballs”, Lone Starr, our hero, refuses a reward from the King of Druidia (Dick Van Patten). The King reflects, surprised by this:
King: “He didn’t take the million... He just took 248 spacebucks for lunch, gas and tolls.”
Of course, Abraham comes right out and says why he doesn’t want the King’s booty (easy, now).
He knows the king will simply use it as leverage later on ("Come on, Abe, do me a solid. You owe me!"... that's how they talked in Ancient Mesopotamia).
I just finished reading "Fab Five", a chronicle of the superstar Michigan Wolverine college basketball team from 1992-1993. The book, written by Mitch Albom (back when Tuesdays were just another day) details how agents and colleges threw money at these high schools grads turned basketball wunderkinds, repeatedly offering bribes to the teenagers and their parents, if it meant a promise to attend a certain university, a flagrant violation of NCAA policy.
Or, as Don Corleone (Marlon Brando) puts it to Bonasera in "The Godfather" (1972), after Bonasera asks him for a favor:
“Some day, and that day may never come, I will call upon you to do a service for me.”
Well, that day DOES come and Bonasera is informed:
"Now, you owe your Don a service. He has no doubt that you will repay him."
See! Ain’t no such thing as a free lunch. You take something, you’re gonna owe something.
Abraham knew that. That’s why he refuses “the goods,” the spoils of war, and the money.
After all, as the philosopher The Notorious B.I.G. (in Hebrew, “Notorious Beyt-Yud-Gimmel”) succinctly puts it:
“Mo money, mo’ problems”
Amen, Mr. B.I.G.. Amen.
.
Here is a little story from Genesis that I never knew about!
First,
“And Abram was very rich in cattle, in silver and gold”
(Gen. 13:2)
Who knew? I always imagined Abram (later becomes Abraham) as a quiet, peaceful shepherd, living a simple life.
Turns out, that dude was LOADED!
And he could kick some serious ass!
Check it--
It so happened that a bunch of kings made an alliance, led by a guy named Chedorlaomer (Hebrew for “cheese of the omer”), the king of Elam (somewhere in east Mesopotamia).
Unfortunately, they squared off against Bera and Birsha, the two kings of Sodom and Gomorrah, respectively. This was before S & G were destroyed by God.
Too bad for Chedorlaomer and his gang—they ransacked Sodom and Gomorrah and kidnapped their inhabitants, including Lot, Abe’s brother.
Big mistake.
If Abe were an action star, this is where he’d say, “Now… it’s personal!”
Check this out:
“When Abram heard that his brother was taken captive, he armed his trained servants… and pursued them.
“And he divided himself against them, he and his servants, by night and smote them…
“And he brought back all the goods and also… his brother Lot, and his women and the people.”
(Gen. 14:14-16)
Lo and behold! Abram was a rich bad-ass!
But here’s the cool part:
After all that, Abe returns the stolen goods to the grateful king of Sodom. The king tells Abe, “Give me the persons, and take the goods to thyself” (v.21).
Sweet!
But wait—what does Abe do? He says:
“I will not take from a thread even to a shoe latchet and I will not take anything that is thine, lest thou should say, ‘I have made Abram rich.’” (v.23)
The Jewish Publication Society Bible has a more vernacular translation:
“I will not take so much as a thread or a sandal strap of what is yours; you shall not say, ‘It is I who made Abram rich.’”
Damn!
THAT is the definition of cool!
Like in “Three Amigos!” or “Space Balls,” two films integral to my childhood, released within 6 months of each other (between 1986 and 1987), seminal in the formation of my personality.
As far as I was concerned, those films were the epitome of westerns and sci-fi flicks, respectively. That’s all I knew… and it was plenty!
And they both showed me how a hero behaved… just like Abraham!
At the end of each film, the heroes refuse rewards for saving the day.
The “Three Amigos!” (played impeccably by Marin Short, Steve Martin and Chevy Chase… back when they were all funny) save the people of a little Mexican village, Santa Polko. When they offer a reward, the Three Amigos refuse!
Ned Nederlander (Martin Short): “Our reward is that justice has been done!”
At the conclusion of “Spaceballs”, Lone Starr, our hero, refuses a reward from the King of Druidia (Dick Van Patten). The King reflects, surprised by this:
King: “He didn’t take the million... He just took 248 spacebucks for lunch, gas and tolls.”
Of course, Abraham comes right out and says why he doesn’t want the King’s booty (easy, now).
He knows the king will simply use it as leverage later on ("Come on, Abe, do me a solid. You owe me!"... that's how they talked in Ancient Mesopotamia).
I just finished reading "Fab Five", a chronicle of the superstar Michigan Wolverine college basketball team from 1992-1993. The book, written by Mitch Albom (back when Tuesdays were just another day) details how agents and colleges threw money at these high schools grads turned basketball wunderkinds, repeatedly offering bribes to the teenagers and their parents, if it meant a promise to attend a certain university, a flagrant violation of NCAA policy.
Or, as Don Corleone (Marlon Brando) puts it to Bonasera in "The Godfather" (1972), after Bonasera asks him for a favor:
“Some day, and that day may never come, I will call upon you to do a service for me.”
Well, that day DOES come and Bonasera is informed:
"Now, you owe your Don a service. He has no doubt that you will repay him."
See! Ain’t no such thing as a free lunch. You take something, you’re gonna owe something.
Abraham knew that. That’s why he refuses “the goods,” the spoils of war, and the money.
After all, as the philosopher The Notorious B.I.G. (in Hebrew, “Notorious Beyt-Yud-Gimmel”) succinctly puts it:
“Mo money, mo’ problems”
Amen, Mr. B.I.G.. Amen.
.
Monday, December 7
“May the force be with Jew”
.
“…the tree of life…”
-- Gen. 2:9
One of my favorite parts of Saturday morning services is the Torah service.
In a synagogue, the leader of the service (or the rabbi) marches around the sanctuary holding the Torah, and… guess what!
Everybody stands! Each person is supposed to turn and face the Torah, never having one's back to it, like the Torah is the Pope or the Queen or someone else of great importance.
Like Oprah!
Wow!
All that... for a book!
Well, technically it's five books... of Moses.
Why?
Is the Torah really that important?
There is a wonderful exchange in the great 1979 film “Frisco Kid.”
If you haven’t seen it… see it!
Synopsis:
In 1850 America, Gene Wilder plays a rabbi fresh off the boat from Poland, making his way across the Old West, with the help of a cowboy-turned-bank robber played by…
wait for it…
Harrison Ford!
I know!
Finally! The comedic pairing we’ve all been waiting for!
That’s right, between making “Star Wars” and “Empire Strikes Back”… Hans Solo befriended a 19th century rabbi.
At one point, Gene Wilder’s rabbi gets captured by Indians (who conveniently speak English). The Rabbi and the Indian Chief have the following exchange:
Chief: (holding the Torah) You came back for this book?
Rabbi: Yes.
Chief: (to his people) I have read this book! (to the Rabbi)… didn’t understand a single word… Would you trade your horse for this book?
Rabbi: Yes.
Chief: And your boots.
Rabbi: Yes.
Chief: And your clothes?
Rabbi: Yes!
Chief: And everything that you own?
Rabbi: Yes!!
Chief: Even your knife?
Rabbi: I have no knife.
Chief: (taken aback) No knife?… Rabbi With No Knife… you are very brave.
But that kinda says it all... concerning Jews. Books are EVERYTHING! We’re not good with cutlery, but we’re good with books.
The stereotype about Jews being bookworms, nerds, smart... it's not unfounded. And there is a connection... we are called the People of the Book. The holiest object in any shul is a book... the Torah, which is painstakingly compiled, with calligraphy, by hand, on parchment, by a Sofer (or Scribe).
It is often the best dressed thing in the shul, with silver handle-covers, an ornate metal breastplate, bells, velvet cover, etc.
The Torah is called the Pentateuch, or Greek for “Five Books.”
It is also referred to as “The Tree of Life.”
Why?
Well, it is explained in the final lines of the Torah Service, as we return the Torah to the ark, where it’s kept when not in use:
"It is a tree of life to those that hold it dear, and all its supporters are happy
Its ways are pleasant and all its paths are peaceful"
The Torah is a Tree of Life—it should help us grow, change, adapt, like a tree.
The Bible is a way to improve our lives, to make our time on this earth more meaningful, bring people peace of mind and soul
… and create harmony among us.
Talk about Irony personified!
A book that SHOULD bring people together actually, more often than not, pushes people apart.
… even people of the same religion.
Picking apart the minutae of the Bible, whilst forgetting the over-arching message:
Treat others how you want to be treated.
Talk about missing the forest for the trees!
… or just one tree
… the tree of life.
.
“…the tree of life…”
-- Gen. 2:9
One of my favorite parts of Saturday morning services is the Torah service.
In a synagogue, the leader of the service (or the rabbi) marches around the sanctuary holding the Torah, and… guess what!
Everybody stands! Each person is supposed to turn and face the Torah, never having one's back to it, like the Torah is the Pope or the Queen or someone else of great importance.
Like Oprah!
Wow!
All that... for a book!
Well, technically it's five books... of Moses.
Why?
Is the Torah really that important?
There is a wonderful exchange in the great 1979 film “Frisco Kid.”
If you haven’t seen it… see it!
Synopsis:
In 1850 America, Gene Wilder plays a rabbi fresh off the boat from Poland, making his way across the Old West, with the help of a cowboy-turned-bank robber played by…
wait for it…
Harrison Ford!
I know!
Finally! The comedic pairing we’ve all been waiting for!
That’s right, between making “Star Wars” and “Empire Strikes Back”… Hans Solo befriended a 19th century rabbi.
At one point, Gene Wilder’s rabbi gets captured by Indians (who conveniently speak English). The Rabbi and the Indian Chief have the following exchange:
Chief: (holding the Torah) You came back for this book?
Rabbi: Yes.
Chief: (to his people) I have read this book! (to the Rabbi)… didn’t understand a single word… Would you trade your horse for this book?
Rabbi: Yes.
Chief: And your boots.
Rabbi: Yes.
Chief: And your clothes?
Rabbi: Yes!
Chief: And everything that you own?
Rabbi: Yes!!
Chief: Even your knife?
Rabbi: I have no knife.
Chief: (taken aback) No knife?… Rabbi With No Knife… you are very brave.
But that kinda says it all... concerning Jews. Books are EVERYTHING! We’re not good with cutlery, but we’re good with books.
The stereotype about Jews being bookworms, nerds, smart... it's not unfounded. And there is a connection... we are called the People of the Book. The holiest object in any shul is a book... the Torah, which is painstakingly compiled, with calligraphy, by hand, on parchment, by a Sofer (or Scribe).
It is often the best dressed thing in the shul, with silver handle-covers, an ornate metal breastplate, bells, velvet cover, etc.
The Torah is called the Pentateuch, or Greek for “Five Books.”
It is also referred to as “The Tree of Life.”
Why?
Well, it is explained in the final lines of the Torah Service, as we return the Torah to the ark, where it’s kept when not in use:
"It is a tree of life to those that hold it dear, and all its supporters are happy
Its ways are pleasant and all its paths are peaceful"
The Torah is a Tree of Life—it should help us grow, change, adapt, like a tree.
The Bible is a way to improve our lives, to make our time on this earth more meaningful, bring people peace of mind and soul
… and create harmony among us.
Talk about Irony personified!
A book that SHOULD bring people together actually, more often than not, pushes people apart.
… even people of the same religion.
Picking apart the minutae of the Bible, whilst forgetting the over-arching message:
Treat others how you want to be treated.
Talk about missing the forest for the trees!
… or just one tree
… the tree of life.
.
Saturday, December 5
Teenaged Wasteland
.
“These are the generations of Jacob: Joseph, being seventeen years old, was feeding the flock with his brethren…”
(Gen. 37:2)
Thus begins the “Joseph” story…
Joseph is then described as “a lad”, or the equivalent of “teenager” in Modern Hebrew (v.3).
But he is introduced as being SEVENTEEN?
Why? What is the significance?
Well, seventeen has always been an integral age.
Just check the ancient texts… or pop music:
“She was seventeen/you know what I mean
And the way she looked was way beyond compare…”
-- The Beatles
“When I was seventeen/
It was a very good year…”
-- Ervin Drake, made famous by Frank Sinatra
"Just like the white winged dove/
Sings a song/
sounds like she's sing/
Ooo... baby ooo... said ooo"
-- "Edge of Seventeen," Stevie Nicks
Let's not forget Meatloaf's "Paradise by the Dashboard Light":
"Ain't no doubt about it/
We were doubly blessed/
'Cause we were barely seventeen/
And we were barely dressed"
And finally, ABBA's Dancing Queen:
"Young and sweet, only 17"
(oh, and of course, that soon-to-be classic film, the latest nugget of genius from the oeuvre of Zac Efron: “17 Again”)
It’s an impressionable age! Not quite a boy, not yet a man (gender-flipping that Britney tune).
It's the last year that a person is legally considered a minor… that’s what she told me, Officer.
When I was seventeen… I was in High school… and in Israel.
I lived in the Holy Land for a semester, traveling, studying-- the Bible, the land, and myself…
Some things have not changed in the ten years since that time.
I still love baseball, candy and movies.
But there are some differences, too.
Like now, I have a woman in my life who lets me see her naked.
I sure as hell didn’t have THAT ten years ago... certainly not a three-dimensional one.
Now, I have two degrees… and no job.
I have more chest hair… and less acne… more debt… and less disposable income.
But most importantly, today I know myself a lot better.
…and not in the Biblical sense
(hell, I when I was 17 I “knew” myself 20 times a week).
I might physically be in the same place I was in 17 years ago… but mentally, I’m miles away.
**FART**
Well, maybe half a mile.
.
“These are the generations of Jacob: Joseph, being seventeen years old, was feeding the flock with his brethren…”
(Gen. 37:2)
Thus begins the “Joseph” story…
Joseph is then described as “a lad”, or the equivalent of “teenager” in Modern Hebrew (v.3).
But he is introduced as being SEVENTEEN?
Why? What is the significance?
Well, seventeen has always been an integral age.
Just check the ancient texts… or pop music:
“She was seventeen/you know what I mean
And the way she looked was way beyond compare…”
-- The Beatles
“When I was seventeen/
It was a very good year…”
-- Ervin Drake, made famous by Frank Sinatra
"Just like the white winged dove/
Sings a song/
sounds like she's sing/
Ooo... baby ooo... said ooo"
-- "Edge of Seventeen," Stevie Nicks
Let's not forget Meatloaf's "Paradise by the Dashboard Light":
"Ain't no doubt about it/
We were doubly blessed/
'Cause we were barely seventeen/
And we were barely dressed"
And finally, ABBA's Dancing Queen:
"Young and sweet, only 17"
(oh, and of course, that soon-to-be classic film, the latest nugget of genius from the oeuvre of Zac Efron: “17 Again”)
It’s an impressionable age! Not quite a boy, not yet a man (gender-flipping that Britney tune).
It's the last year that a person is legally considered a minor… that’s what she told me, Officer.
When I was seventeen… I was in High school… and in Israel.
I lived in the Holy Land for a semester, traveling, studying-- the Bible, the land, and myself…
Some things have not changed in the ten years since that time.
I still love baseball, candy and movies.
But there are some differences, too.
Like now, I have a woman in my life who lets me see her naked.
I sure as hell didn’t have THAT ten years ago... certainly not a three-dimensional one.
Now, I have two degrees… and no job.
I have more chest hair… and less acne… more debt… and less disposable income.
But most importantly, today I know myself a lot better.
…and not in the Biblical sense
(hell, I when I was 17 I “knew” myself 20 times a week).
I might physically be in the same place I was in 17 years ago… but mentally, I’m miles away.
**FART**
Well, maybe half a mile.
.
Friday, December 4
Fear No One
.
“And the Lord… doth go before thee, he will be with thee, he will not fail thee or forsake thee. Fear not, nor be dismayed.”
-- Deuteronomy 31:8
"Be bold, and mighty forces will come to your aid."
-- Goethe
... but I first heard it quoted in the Cameron Crowe film "Almost Famous" (2000)
"Fortes fortuna adiuvat" ("Fortune favors the bold")
-- Virgil, the Aeneid
This got me thinking all about FEAR, in general.
Everyone is afraid of SOMEthing.
"I read that Speaking in front of a crowd is the number one fear of the average person. Number two... is death. Death is number two?! That means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy."
-- Jerry Seinfeld
I spend my time with a lot of rabbis-in-training, and like all people practicing for anything... they are nervous.
That's what practicing means. It means you're not a pro yet.
Webster's dictionary defines "practice" as--
"repeated performance/exercise for the purpose of acquiring skill or proficiency."
Meaning, the person has not acquired proficiency yet. We're all practicing SOMETHING in our lives, even if it's just... y'know, living!
Now, more quotations!
One of Rabbi Israel Salanter’s disciples told him, “Rebbe, I am afraid that I might give an incorrect ruling.”
“Who then should become a rabbi?” asked Rabbi Israel. “One who is not afraid of ruling incorrectly?”
-- Shmuel Himelstein, A Touch of Wisdom, A Touch of Wit
"To be honest with you, all my life I’ve been in a battle to overcome my fears. I’ve had to take that chance with everything I’ve done, from riding my bike down that driveway...to every [thing] I ever tried...."
-- Queen Latifah
"I always feel pressure. If you don't feel nervous, that means you don't care about how you play. I care about how I perform. I've always said the day I'm not nervous playing is the day I quit. "
--Tiger Woods
Fear is everywhere! They say you should do one thing each day that scares you.
What are you going to do today?
and finally,
The Wisdom of Johnny Depp:
I think… it is good to feel the fear of failing miserably. I think you should take that risk. Fear is a necessary ingredient in everything I do.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“I got scissors for hands!”
-- also Johnny Depp (probably)
.
“And the Lord… doth go before thee, he will be with thee, he will not fail thee or forsake thee. Fear not, nor be dismayed.”
-- Deuteronomy 31:8
"Be bold, and mighty forces will come to your aid."
-- Goethe
... but I first heard it quoted in the Cameron Crowe film "Almost Famous" (2000)
"Fortes fortuna adiuvat" ("Fortune favors the bold")
-- Virgil, the Aeneid
This got me thinking all about FEAR, in general.
Everyone is afraid of SOMEthing.
"I read that Speaking in front of a crowd is the number one fear of the average person. Number two... is death. Death is number two?! That means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy."
-- Jerry Seinfeld
I spend my time with a lot of rabbis-in-training, and like all people practicing for anything... they are nervous.
That's what practicing means. It means you're not a pro yet.
Webster's dictionary defines "practice" as--
"repeated performance/exercise for the purpose of acquiring skill or proficiency."
Meaning, the person has not acquired proficiency yet. We're all practicing SOMETHING in our lives, even if it's just... y'know, living!
Now, more quotations!
One of Rabbi Israel Salanter’s disciples told him, “Rebbe, I am afraid that I might give an incorrect ruling.”
“Who then should become a rabbi?” asked Rabbi Israel. “One who is not afraid of ruling incorrectly?”
-- Shmuel Himelstein, A Touch of Wisdom, A Touch of Wit
"To be honest with you, all my life I’ve been in a battle to overcome my fears. I’ve had to take that chance with everything I’ve done, from riding my bike down that driveway...to every [thing] I ever tried...."
-- Queen Latifah
"I always feel pressure. If you don't feel nervous, that means you don't care about how you play. I care about how I perform. I've always said the day I'm not nervous playing is the day I quit. "
--Tiger Woods
Fear is everywhere! They say you should do one thing each day that scares you.
What are you going to do today?
and finally,
The Wisdom of Johnny Depp:
I think… it is good to feel the fear of failing miserably. I think you should take that risk. Fear is a necessary ingredient in everything I do.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“I got scissors for hands!”
-- also Johnny Depp (probably)
.
Thursday, December 3
Jazz Hands!
.
"Music can open up so many emotions that we didn't know we had. It's the magical thing about musicals... on the stage or on film... They work so well because music touches us, emotionally, where words alone can't."
-- Johnny Depp
(huh?... I know. Read on)
Genesis 37:3 changed my life.
And so did Andrew Lloyd Webber and Tim Rice
… because they wrote the musical “Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.”
Thanks to them…
I am now flaaaaaming!
Not quite. But I am a lot happier (and still pretty fabulous).
Y’see, in the Spring of 1998 I was a piddling high school freshman, a reporter for my high school newspaper, “The Cougar Chronicle”, and I was in a small theater at St. Joe’s University, just five blocks from my high school.
As I sat in the front row, the lights dimmed and I prepared to scribble a review of my high school’s production of “Joseph” (as it was known, for brevity’s sake). Going in, I knew two things about the show: both my brothers were in it, and I was not.
Y’see, I chose to play on my school’s baseball team that year instead of participating in Musical Theater (both took place in the Spring).
Why???
Because I was a fool!
I went to a high school full of Jews. Naturally our athletics department was awful and our theatrical department was… passable.
Instead of PLAYING baseball we should’ve been practiced being agents or owners.
(How do you have a baseball team with 2 outfielders and 14 guys carrying the water?)
I sat in that darkened theater 12 years ago and watched kids I had known for 10 years, kids I never thought twice about, kids I never respected…
I watched them kick theatrical ass!
My brothers, too!
This ragtag group of misfits (note: groups of misfits are always “ragtag”) sang, danced, and projected energy and enthusiasm like nothing I had ever seen before.
I had been to plays and musicals, but those were adults performing. Strangers.
These were my peers.
And they had talent!
(Or at least they could fake it… which was just as impressive)
I couldn’t believe it.
Why, oh why had wasted my time playing baseball?!
When you’re playing a sport, any sport, even if you try your damnedest, perform really well, put in 110%... there is someone trying to stop you! A team of guys are standing in your way. People are TRYING to make you fail. Make you lose.
That sucks!
With theater… the audience WANTS to enjoy themselves. People WANT to have a good time and WANT you to perform well.
The only people who hope you screw up are competing actors.
I like those odds a lot better.
“Now Israel (a.k.a., Jacob) loved Joseph more than all his children, because he was the son of his old age, and he made him a coat of many colors.”
-- (Gen. 37:3)
Jacob:
Joseph's mother, she was quite my favorite wife
I never really loved another all my life
And Joseph was
My joy because
He reminded me of her
-- Lyrics by Tim Rice
“And when his brethren saw that their father loved him more… they hated him and could not speak peaceably to him.”
-- (Gen. 3:4)
Narrator:
It made the rest
feel second best
And even if they were -
Brothers:
Being told we're also-rans
Does not makes us Joseph fans
Narrator:
But where they had really missed the boat is
Brothers:
We're great guys but no-one seems to notice
Narrator:
Joseph's charm and winning smile
Failed to slay them in the aisle
-- Lyrics by Tim Rice
My God! How can you NOT love it?
No, it ain’t Sondheim, or Paul Simon or Bob Dylan…
But it’s infectious as hell.
And 12 years ago it infected me.
And the musical “Joseph” was the “Outbreak” monkey that bit my soul!
"You're seeing emotions painted larger than life and if you paint them smaller than life you might as well sit at home and watch television or look in the mirror."
-- Tim Rice, lyricist (Joseph, Jesus Christ Superstar, Aladdin, Lion King, Aida)
"Music can open up so many emotions that we didn't know we had. It's the magical thing about musicals... on the stage or on film... They work so well because music touches us, emotionally, where words alone can't."
-- Johnny Depp
(huh?... I know. Read on)
Genesis 37:3 changed my life.
And so did Andrew Lloyd Webber and Tim Rice
… because they wrote the musical “Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.”
Thanks to them…
I am now flaaaaaming!
Not quite. But I am a lot happier (and still pretty fabulous).
Y’see, in the Spring of 1998 I was a piddling high school freshman, a reporter for my high school newspaper, “The Cougar Chronicle”, and I was in a small theater at St. Joe’s University, just five blocks from my high school.
As I sat in the front row, the lights dimmed and I prepared to scribble a review of my high school’s production of “Joseph” (as it was known, for brevity’s sake). Going in, I knew two things about the show: both my brothers were in it, and I was not.
Y’see, I chose to play on my school’s baseball team that year instead of participating in Musical Theater (both took place in the Spring).
Why???
Because I was a fool!
I went to a high school full of Jews. Naturally our athletics department was awful and our theatrical department was… passable.
Instead of PLAYING baseball we should’ve been practiced being agents or owners.
(How do you have a baseball team with 2 outfielders and 14 guys carrying the water?)
I sat in that darkened theater 12 years ago and watched kids I had known for 10 years, kids I never thought twice about, kids I never respected…
I watched them kick theatrical ass!
My brothers, too!
This ragtag group of misfits (note: groups of misfits are always “ragtag”) sang, danced, and projected energy and enthusiasm like nothing I had ever seen before.
I had been to plays and musicals, but those were adults performing. Strangers.
These were my peers.
And they had talent!
(Or at least they could fake it… which was just as impressive)
I couldn’t believe it.
Why, oh why had wasted my time playing baseball?!
When you’re playing a sport, any sport, even if you try your damnedest, perform really well, put in 110%... there is someone trying to stop you! A team of guys are standing in your way. People are TRYING to make you fail. Make you lose.
That sucks!
With theater… the audience WANTS to enjoy themselves. People WANT to have a good time and WANT you to perform well.
The only people who hope you screw up are competing actors.
I like those odds a lot better.
“Now Israel (a.k.a., Jacob) loved Joseph more than all his children, because he was the son of his old age, and he made him a coat of many colors.”
-- (Gen. 37:3)
Jacob:
Joseph's mother, she was quite my favorite wife
I never really loved another all my life
And Joseph was
My joy because
He reminded me of her
-- Lyrics by Tim Rice
“And when his brethren saw that their father loved him more… they hated him and could not speak peaceably to him.”
-- (Gen. 3:4)
Narrator:
It made the rest
feel second best
And even if they were -
Brothers:
Being told we're also-rans
Does not makes us Joseph fans
Narrator:
But where they had really missed the boat is
Brothers:
We're great guys but no-one seems to notice
Narrator:
Joseph's charm and winning smile
Failed to slay them in the aisle
-- Lyrics by Tim Rice
My God! How can you NOT love it?
No, it ain’t Sondheim, or Paul Simon or Bob Dylan…
But it’s infectious as hell.
And 12 years ago it infected me.
And the musical “Joseph” was the “Outbreak” monkey that bit my soul!
"You're seeing emotions painted larger than life and if you paint them smaller than life you might as well sit at home and watch television or look in the mirror."
-- Tim Rice, lyricist (Joseph, Jesus Christ Superstar, Aladdin, Lion King, Aida)
He can make a radio out of a coconut...
.
"And the eyes of them both were opened and they knew that they were naked, they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves aprons."
-- Gen. 3:7
Damn!
Looks like they could've used Adam and Eve on Gilligan's Island.
Remember, at the end of chapter two, "And they were both naked, the man and the woman, and they were not ashamed." (Gen. 2:25)
So, after they ate from the tree of knowledge, they realized, "Wow! We're nekkid!"
And apparently they were embarrassed. Come on! How would they know? Clothes didn't exist to begin with! So nudity was the default setting. There were no other options... till they sewed leaves together... using pine needles and thread they coaxed from a silk worm's ass!
Then, as punishment for eating from the spooky tree, God tells Eve "I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children..." (3:16).
Makes sense. That's the only logical reason why childbirth would cause a woman pain-- God decreed it. Never mind the fact that she's squeezing a PERSON through her HOO-HA !
Perhaps this was a way ancient people explained child birth. That is all they knew. They didn't have the scientific/technological advances of modern times.
They knew that after guys and ladies got bizzay, babies came out of the ladies. And that was it! That's all they knew.
Just like Adam and Eve, suddenly they "knew that they were naked!"
"Fifteen hundred years ago everybody KNEW the Earth was the center of the universe. Five hundred years ago, everybody KNEW the Earth was flat, and fifteen minutes ago, you KNEW that humans were alone on this planet. Imagine what you'll KNOW... tomorrow."
--K (Tommy Lee Jones), "Men In Black" , written by Ed Solomon, Lowell Cunningham
"And the eyes of them both were opened and they knew that they were naked, they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves aprons."
-- Gen. 3:7
Damn!
Looks like they could've used Adam and Eve on Gilligan's Island.
Remember, at the end of chapter two, "And they were both naked, the man and the woman, and they were not ashamed." (Gen. 2:25)
So, after they ate from the tree of knowledge, they realized, "Wow! We're nekkid!"
And apparently they were embarrassed. Come on! How would they know? Clothes didn't exist to begin with! So nudity was the default setting. There were no other options... till they sewed leaves together... using pine needles and thread they coaxed from a silk worm's ass!
Then, as punishment for eating from the spooky tree, God tells Eve "I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children..." (3:16).
Makes sense. That's the only logical reason why childbirth would cause a woman pain-- God decreed it. Never mind the fact that she's squeezing a PERSON through her HOO-HA !
Perhaps this was a way ancient people explained child birth. That is all they knew. They didn't have the scientific/technological advances of modern times.
They knew that after guys and ladies got bizzay, babies came out of the ladies. And that was it! That's all they knew.
Just like Adam and Eve, suddenly they "knew that they were naked!"
"Fifteen hundred years ago everybody KNEW the Earth was the center of the universe. Five hundred years ago, everybody KNEW the Earth was flat, and fifteen minutes ago, you KNEW that humans were alone on this planet. Imagine what you'll KNOW... tomorrow."
--K (Tommy Lee Jones), "Men In Black" , written by Ed Solomon, Lowell Cunningham
Monday, November 30
"Halleluja! Holy [expletive] !" -- Clark W. Griswold
.
"Sing unto the Lord with the harp; with the harp and the voice of a psalm..."
-- Psalm 98
"For heights and depths no words can reach, music is the soul's own speech."
-- Anonymous
My favorite Psalm is 150, the end of the line, the final psalm (sounds like the title of a bad action flick-- Communion 4: The Final Psalm)
Psalm 150 includes the lines,
"Praise ye the Lord...
Praise him with the sound of the trumpet...
Praise him with the harp...
with timbrel and dance;...
stringed instrument;...
loud cymbals..."
In other words... start a one-man band, like Dick Van Dyke in "Marry Poppins."
("Oh, it's a jolly 'oliday wiv Moses...")
(ahem)
No, it means there's more than one way to skin a proverbial cat.
Or praise God.
You can sing, play the horn, shake your booty, or read a prayer silently.
There's more than one way to do EVERYTHING, and prayer is no exception.
This theory, and my patience, were put to the test two days ago.
Friday night, I prayed at an interesting place.
In Jerusalem, there are HUNDREDS of prayer groups every single Friday night, some in synagogues, some in homes. You walk down ANY street in this city, you will hear the sounds of davening.
Two days ago I went to a small minyan, in a basement, chairs in a big circle, about 5 drummers, people with no shoes who were playing the bongos, others were chanting and dancing like hippies at Woodstock... Phoebe from "Friends" would've been very comfortable.
I was not.
It was the Jewish Renewal movement personified.
I personally don't go for that.
I can be quite sarcastic, bitter and cynical.
I am reluctant to open up, make myself vulnerable
... hence, the humor.
Dveikut. ("dedication", meditation during intense prayer)
Ruakh. ("spirit", spirituality)
These do not come easily for me.
Once upon a time, they did...
But now... I am a cynic.
So, Friday night, I was not "into it."
For about an hour.
Until... they sang a Psalm (#98, for you sports fans keeping track), in Hebrew, in an old doo-wop style.
And they got me.
I realize, of course, that there is no "they"... that it was I... I got me (woah..., soak it in... dry off, let's continue).
I "got", I understood that you can feel what you want to feel, if you let yourself.
I closed my eyes, sang along, and (as that philosopher Eminem would say) started to "lose myself in the moment..."
And it may not have been the spirit of God.
In fact, I think it wasn't.
My own musical preference.
It was my personality.
It was my family.
When I was growing up, 1950s/60s era music was very popular in my house.
Never mind that I came of age in the 1990s...
It was something my whole family enjoyed.
And on Friday night, that music... took me back.
It was audio cassettes, birthdays, anniversaries when my brothers and I would rewrite lyrics of old 60s tunes to suit our parents, Mother's Day and we're singing "Runaround Sue" for our mom... who's name is not Sue, nor does she run anywhere... but we all like the same music.
It was the Prom scene in "Back to the Future"... my love of Bobby Darrin, Dion and & Belmonts and Danny & the Juniors.
And maybe THAT... is God.
Who can say?
Ten years ago I was on a bus with 30 of my classmates from high school, studying in Israel for the semester.
The first time our bus took us into Jerusalem, the Holiest City for Jews, the homeland for which our ancestors prayed and fought and died....
I started to cry.
And it wasn't for any of the above reasons.
I was listening to a CD.
A Green Day CD (by 11th grade I expanded a little from the '50/'60s rock 'n roll).
And it was playing the song "Time of Your Life."
(A great song, but certainly not cry-worthy)
So why was a crying?
Because the previous year, "Seinfeld" aired its final episode.
The second-to-last episode was a highlight reel, best-of show... and the last two minutes were silent, comprised of behind the scenes footage, still photos of the cast and crew... with the Green Day song "Time of Your Life" playing over it.
And hearing it again, on a bus, away from home, away from my family (with whom watching "Seinfeld" was more of a ritual than prayer ever was), my being in a foreign country...
made me cry.
Am I shallow? Materialistic? Like the characters on "Seinfeld?"
No.
I'm just a guy. Because like it or not, for myself and many other people my age, television and music have played a huge role in our lives, in our memories, and in our connections with other people.
Seinfeld and doo wop. My youth and family. Nice feelings. Nice associations.
And when I am emotionally moved... Damn, that's a nice feeling.
I feel alive.
I feel close to myself and my family.
And I feel close to God.
"Sing unto the Lord with the harp; with the harp and the voice of a psalm..."
-- Psalm 98
"For heights and depths no words can reach, music is the soul's own speech."
-- Anonymous
My favorite Psalm is 150, the end of the line, the final psalm (sounds like the title of a bad action flick-- Communion 4: The Final Psalm)
Psalm 150 includes the lines,
"Praise ye the Lord...
Praise him with the sound of the trumpet...
Praise him with the harp...
with timbrel and dance;...
stringed instrument;...
loud cymbals..."
In other words... start a one-man band, like Dick Van Dyke in "Marry Poppins."
("Oh, it's a jolly 'oliday wiv Moses...")
(ahem)
No, it means there's more than one way to skin a proverbial cat.
Or praise God.
You can sing, play the horn, shake your booty, or read a prayer silently.
There's more than one way to do EVERYTHING, and prayer is no exception.
This theory, and my patience, were put to the test two days ago.
Friday night, I prayed at an interesting place.
In Jerusalem, there are HUNDREDS of prayer groups every single Friday night, some in synagogues, some in homes. You walk down ANY street in this city, you will hear the sounds of davening.
Two days ago I went to a small minyan, in a basement, chairs in a big circle, about 5 drummers, people with no shoes who were playing the bongos, others were chanting and dancing like hippies at Woodstock... Phoebe from "Friends" would've been very comfortable.
I was not.
It was the Jewish Renewal movement personified.
I personally don't go for that.
I can be quite sarcastic, bitter and cynical.
I am reluctant to open up, make myself vulnerable
... hence, the humor.
Dveikut. ("dedication", meditation during intense prayer)
Ruakh. ("spirit", spirituality)
These do not come easily for me.
Once upon a time, they did...
But now... I am a cynic.
So, Friday night, I was not "into it."
For about an hour.
Until... they sang a Psalm (#98, for you sports fans keeping track), in Hebrew, in an old doo-wop style.
And they got me.
I realize, of course, that there is no "they"... that it was I... I got me (woah..., soak it in... dry off, let's continue).
I "got", I understood that you can feel what you want to feel, if you let yourself.
I closed my eyes, sang along, and (as that philosopher Eminem would say) started to "lose myself in the moment..."
And it may not have been the spirit of God.
In fact, I think it wasn't.
My own musical preference.
It was my personality.
It was my family.
When I was growing up, 1950s/60s era music was very popular in my house.
Never mind that I came of age in the 1990s...
It was something my whole family enjoyed.
And on Friday night, that music... took me back.
It was audio cassettes, birthdays, anniversaries when my brothers and I would rewrite lyrics of old 60s tunes to suit our parents, Mother's Day and we're singing "Runaround Sue" for our mom... who's name is not Sue, nor does she run anywhere... but we all like the same music.
It was the Prom scene in "Back to the Future"... my love of Bobby Darrin, Dion and & Belmonts and Danny & the Juniors.
And maybe THAT... is God.
Who can say?
Ten years ago I was on a bus with 30 of my classmates from high school, studying in Israel for the semester.
The first time our bus took us into Jerusalem, the Holiest City for Jews, the homeland for which our ancestors prayed and fought and died....
I started to cry.
And it wasn't for any of the above reasons.
I was listening to a CD.
A Green Day CD (by 11th grade I expanded a little from the '50/'60s rock 'n roll).
And it was playing the song "Time of Your Life."
(A great song, but certainly not cry-worthy)
So why was a crying?
Because the previous year, "Seinfeld" aired its final episode.
The second-to-last episode was a highlight reel, best-of show... and the last two minutes were silent, comprised of behind the scenes footage, still photos of the cast and crew... with the Green Day song "Time of Your Life" playing over it.
And hearing it again, on a bus, away from home, away from my family (with whom watching "Seinfeld" was more of a ritual than prayer ever was), my being in a foreign country...
made me cry.
Am I shallow? Materialistic? Like the characters on "Seinfeld?"
No.
I'm just a guy. Because like it or not, for myself and many other people my age, television and music have played a huge role in our lives, in our memories, and in our connections with other people.
Seinfeld and doo wop. My youth and family. Nice feelings. Nice associations.
And when I am emotionally moved... Damn, that's a nice feeling.
I feel alive.
I feel close to myself and my family.
And I feel close to God.
"Please, no fatties"
.
Abraham sends his trusty servant Eliezer to Canaan to find a wife for Isaac, Abe's son
(remember, the son he nearly stabbed to death in Gen.22... well, now we're in chapter 24, and Izzy needs a woman!).
Eliezer decides he'll go to the local watering hole (literally... a watering hole, where people would let their cattle drink water), and whichever lady offers him a drink, and also offers his camels a drink, THAT is the lady for Isaac! (Gen. 24:14).
Once at the watering hole with his camels, he notices Rebekah:
"And the damsel was very fair to look up, a virgin, no man had known her" (v.16).
Damn!
Sounds good!
But Eliezer the Servant had different criteria that had to be met-- and being a sexy virgin was not part of the deal... oh, Eliezer… what a moron!
But wait! What happens next?!
Rebekah, the smokin' hot virgin, puts down her pitcher of water and says to Eliezer, "Drink, my lord... I will draw water for thy camels also, until they are done drinking" (v.18-19).
All right! A hot virgin who’s nice to animals!
Ding ding ding! We have a winner!
Why? What does this say about Rebekah’s character?
Well, it says everything.
And it reminds me of an exchange from “A Bronx Tale”, written by its star, Chazz Palmintieri. Chazz playes a “Sonny,” mob boss. Here he gives dating advice to his teenaged protégé, nicknamed “C,” :
Sonny:
Alright, listen to me. You pull up right where she lives, right? Before you get outta the car, you lock both doors. Then, get outta the car, you walk over to her. You bring her over to the car. Dig out the key, put it in the lock and open the door for her. Then you let her get in. Then you close the door. Then you walk around the back of the car and look through the rear window. If she doesn't reach over and lift up that button so that you can get in: dump her.
’C’:
Just like that?
Sonny:
Listen to me, kid. If she doesn't reach over and lift up that button so that you can get in, that means she's a selfish broad and all you're seeing is the tip of the iceberg. You dump her and you dump her fast.
Well said, Italian New Yorker mob boss!
You clearly know your Scriptures.
Wouldn't you know it! Just like Eliezer said!
Sometimes you can learn everything about a person by the smallest, simplest act of thoughtfulness…
or selfishness.
Like in the 1998 Adam Sandler vehicle “The Wedding Singer,” written by Tim Herlihy.
Early in the film, Julia (Drew Barrymore) says she always wanted to see Las Vegas from an airplane, the famous strip of casinos and hotels all lit up at night. Then, when she hops a plane and elopes with her douche fiancé, he won’t let her have the window seat! And that says it all!
He’s a douche!
And Rebekah was selfless and kind.
… and smokin’ hot!
.
Abraham sends his trusty servant Eliezer to Canaan to find a wife for Isaac, Abe's son
(remember, the son he nearly stabbed to death in Gen.22... well, now we're in chapter 24, and Izzy needs a woman!).
Eliezer decides he'll go to the local watering hole (literally... a watering hole, where people would let their cattle drink water), and whichever lady offers him a drink, and also offers his camels a drink, THAT is the lady for Isaac! (Gen. 24:14).
Once at the watering hole with his camels, he notices Rebekah:
"And the damsel was very fair to look up, a virgin, no man had known her" (v.16).
Damn!
Sounds good!
But Eliezer the Servant had different criteria that had to be met-- and being a sexy virgin was not part of the deal... oh, Eliezer… what a moron!
But wait! What happens next?!
Rebekah, the smokin' hot virgin, puts down her pitcher of water and says to Eliezer, "Drink, my lord... I will draw water for thy camels also, until they are done drinking" (v.18-19).
All right! A hot virgin who’s nice to animals!
Ding ding ding! We have a winner!
Why? What does this say about Rebekah’s character?
Well, it says everything.
And it reminds me of an exchange from “A Bronx Tale”, written by its star, Chazz Palmintieri. Chazz playes a “Sonny,” mob boss. Here he gives dating advice to his teenaged protégé, nicknamed “C,” :
Sonny:
Alright, listen to me. You pull up right where she lives, right? Before you get outta the car, you lock both doors. Then, get outta the car, you walk over to her. You bring her over to the car. Dig out the key, put it in the lock and open the door for her. Then you let her get in. Then you close the door. Then you walk around the back of the car and look through the rear window. If she doesn't reach over and lift up that button so that you can get in: dump her.
’C’:
Just like that?
Sonny:
Listen to me, kid. If she doesn't reach over and lift up that button so that you can get in, that means she's a selfish broad and all you're seeing is the tip of the iceberg. You dump her and you dump her fast.
Well said, Italian New Yorker mob boss!
You clearly know your Scriptures.
Wouldn't you know it! Just like Eliezer said!
Sometimes you can learn everything about a person by the smallest, simplest act of thoughtfulness…
or selfishness.
Like in the 1998 Adam Sandler vehicle “The Wedding Singer,” written by Tim Herlihy.
Early in the film, Julia (Drew Barrymore) says she always wanted to see Las Vegas from an airplane, the famous strip of casinos and hotels all lit up at night. Then, when she hops a plane and elopes with her douche fiancé, he won’t let her have the window seat! And that says it all!
He’s a douche!
And Rebekah was selfless and kind.
… and smokin’ hot!
.
Friday, November 27
Milk, Honey, and a pain in my Ass
.
"And I come down to deliver them out of the hands of the Egyptians,
and to bring them up out of that land into a good, large land,
a land flowing with milk and honey."
(Ex. 3:8)
The first time the land of Israel is described this way!
Which means Israel sucks, if you're a vegan.
But still, compared to slavery in Egypt, this "promised land" sounds pretty sweet!
Well...
.
The morning after Thanksgiving.
In Israel.
No Black Friday here (Erev Shabbat Shakhor).
Around 8 AM this morning, coming out of a turkey-induced coma (or a tofukurkey-induced, as it were), a loud noise woke me up!
The wife soon followed.
We heard a man's voice speaking Hebrew outside our apartment.
On a megaphone.
The missus was worried. Not worried enough to look out the window or call the police, just worried enough to complain to me on her way to the toilet.
Ah, married life.
"What the hell is that?"
Bomb threat?
Air raid?
Terrorist... something?
None of the above.
I looked out the window and saw two orthodox Jews in a small car, with a megaphone strapped onto the roof. Slowly driving up and down the street.
Yammering about something. On a megaphone. In Hebrew.
A few mothers, pushing strollers, stopped the car, told the guys to (I assume) go away or "eff off" (or, in Hebrew, "fey off").
After her morning visit to "the office," my beloved asked me what the guys were saying.
"Oh, I understood them. What that guy was saying was, 'Hey everyone! The local supermarket is having a sale on megaphones! I just got one! Isn't cool?'"
That's the beauty of Israel.
It eliminates racism and bigotry.
I can't say, "Damn noisy Hispanic-Americans."
or
"Damn scary African-Americans."
or
"Damn intellectually-intimidating Asian-Americans."
I can't say any of that!
'Cause It's ALL Jews!
Everyone is Jewish!
And guess what...
Everyone still gets on my nerves!
The teenagers are rude and loud.
The drivers are still reckless, the pedestrians still oblivious.
The religious people still impose their views on others... but instead of Bible-beating Southerners, they're Tanach-tapping Orthodox.
There are more Jews in Israel than in ALL of the United States... but barely.
And in America the Jews are spread out. Mostly on opposite coasts of the country.
Here, the Jews are EVERYWHERE!
And y'know what? Religion and race don't matter!
People are annoying!
All people!
It's a beautiful thing.
Irritating as hell, sure... but also beautiful.
.
"And I come down to deliver them out of the hands of the Egyptians,
and to bring them up out of that land into a good, large land,
a land flowing with milk and honey."
(Ex. 3:8)
The first time the land of Israel is described this way!
Which means Israel sucks, if you're a vegan.
But still, compared to slavery in Egypt, this "promised land" sounds pretty sweet!
Well...
.
The morning after Thanksgiving.
In Israel.
No Black Friday here (Erev Shabbat Shakhor).
Around 8 AM this morning, coming out of a turkey-induced coma (or a tofukurkey-induced, as it were), a loud noise woke me up!
The wife soon followed.
We heard a man's voice speaking Hebrew outside our apartment.
On a megaphone.
The missus was worried. Not worried enough to look out the window or call the police, just worried enough to complain to me on her way to the toilet.
Ah, married life.
"What the hell is that?"
Bomb threat?
Air raid?
Terrorist... something?
None of the above.
I looked out the window and saw two orthodox Jews in a small car, with a megaphone strapped onto the roof. Slowly driving up and down the street.
Yammering about something. On a megaphone. In Hebrew.
A few mothers, pushing strollers, stopped the car, told the guys to (I assume) go away or "eff off" (or, in Hebrew, "fey off").
After her morning visit to "the office," my beloved asked me what the guys were saying.
"Oh, I understood them. What that guy was saying was, 'Hey everyone! The local supermarket is having a sale on megaphones! I just got one! Isn't cool?'"
That's the beauty of Israel.
It eliminates racism and bigotry.
I can't say, "Damn noisy Hispanic-Americans."
or
"Damn scary African-Americans."
or
"Damn intellectually-intimidating Asian-Americans."
I can't say any of that!
'Cause It's ALL Jews!
Everyone is Jewish!
And guess what...
Everyone still gets on my nerves!
The teenagers are rude and loud.
The drivers are still reckless, the pedestrians still oblivious.
The religious people still impose their views on others... but instead of Bible-beating Southerners, they're Tanach-tapping Orthodox.
There are more Jews in Israel than in ALL of the United States... but barely.
And in America the Jews are spread out. Mostly on opposite coasts of the country.
Here, the Jews are EVERYWHERE!
And y'know what? Religion and race don't matter!
People are annoying!
All people!
It's a beautiful thing.
Irritating as hell, sure... but also beautiful.
.
Thursday, November 26
Meat, Thanksgiving and Animal Sex!
.
Happy Thankgiving!
Or, as Israelis call it... Thursday.
Or Yom Chamishi.
Let's talk a little bit about Turkey... or meat!
How about the first food ever mentioned in the Bible.
Now, in an earlier entry (Nov. 7th, "Yes, I'm Gonna Marry a Carrot") I mentioned that Adam and Eve were vegetarians while in the Garden of Eden.
But did you know that even AFTER the Expulsion they were STILL tofu-munchers?!
After the tree/apple/snake debacle, God tells Adam:
"Cursed is the ground for thy sake, in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life... Thou shalt eat the herb of the field; in the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread..." (Gen. 3:17-19)
So, only bread and veggies. Both before and after the Garden of Eden.
And remember Gen. 1:29---
"God said, 'Behold, I have given you every herb yielding seed, which is on the surface of all the earth, and every tree, which bears fruit yielding seed. to you it shall be for meat."
But did you know that in the very next verse, God also told ANIMALS to be vegetarian!
"And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air and to everything that creeps upon the earth, wherein there is life, I have given every green herb for meat, and it was so."
Notice the part "wherein there is life."
It's poetic, kind of saying, "If a creature has life inside it, it should not eat something else with life inside it."
(i.e., treat your neighbor animals as yourself)
That's just how I interpret it.
You may see it differently.
After all, there's more than one way to skin (and then eat) a cat.
Interesting point-- the King James Version says "to you it shall be for MEAT", while most other versions of the Bible say "FOOD." Essentially, I think the writers of the KJV were sayin, "You know the way YOU think of meat? Well, THAT'S how the first creatures of the earth thought of vegetables and plants."
But now it seems ridiculous that God would require animals to only eat vegetables.
I know, I know-- a snake just tricked two people into eating a magic apple... but THIS is hard to believe???
I take umbrage with THIS part of the Bible?!
(Umbrage! SAT word!)
This is what I call a T.M.B.S. moment.
That stands for "This Movie is Bull Shit!"
At some point, while watching a movie, someone will say, "Oh, come ON! That's unbelievable!"
Example:
In the beginning of the film "Men In Black," an alien climbs up the side of the Guggenheim Museum in Manhattan. Will Smith, who is chasing the alien, shoots the glass out of the front door and goes in.
Watching it, a friend of mine scoffed, "Come on! Where's the alarm?!"
True, if you broke the glass to a museum's entrance, an alarm would most likely sound... making it difficult to stop the ALIENS!!!!
(eye roll)
So God told the animals NOT to eat each other.
Well, what about this:
On the 5th day, after the Almighty created sea creatures and birds, God said, "Be fruitful and multiply, fill the waters in the seas and let fowl multiply on the earth" (1:22).
That's right... God had to TELL animals to have sex!
God told birds to screw and God told whales to hump.
(pun!)
Why not?
In the beginning, there were vegetarian, sexually-reserved animals... just like today!
Kind of... your dog eats its own shit and humps your leg.
Sounds like a good date to me.
Happy Thankgiving!
Or, as Israelis call it... Thursday.
Or Yom Chamishi.
Let's talk a little bit about Turkey... or meat!
How about the first food ever mentioned in the Bible.
Now, in an earlier entry (Nov. 7th, "Yes, I'm Gonna Marry a Carrot") I mentioned that Adam and Eve were vegetarians while in the Garden of Eden.
But did you know that even AFTER the Expulsion they were STILL tofu-munchers?!
After the tree/apple/snake debacle, God tells Adam:
"Cursed is the ground for thy sake, in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life... Thou shalt eat the herb of the field; in the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread..." (Gen. 3:17-19)
So, only bread and veggies. Both before and after the Garden of Eden.
And remember Gen. 1:29---
"God said, 'Behold, I have given you every herb yielding seed, which is on the surface of all the earth, and every tree, which bears fruit yielding seed. to you it shall be for meat."
But did you know that in the very next verse, God also told ANIMALS to be vegetarian!
"And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air and to everything that creeps upon the earth, wherein there is life, I have given every green herb for meat, and it was so."
Notice the part "wherein there is life."
It's poetic, kind of saying, "If a creature has life inside it, it should not eat something else with life inside it."
(i.e., treat your neighbor animals as yourself)
That's just how I interpret it.
You may see it differently.
After all, there's more than one way to skin (and then eat) a cat.
Interesting point-- the King James Version says "to you it shall be for MEAT", while most other versions of the Bible say "FOOD." Essentially, I think the writers of the KJV were sayin, "You know the way YOU think of meat? Well, THAT'S how the first creatures of the earth thought of vegetables and plants."
But now it seems ridiculous that God would require animals to only eat vegetables.
I know, I know-- a snake just tricked two people into eating a magic apple... but THIS is hard to believe???
I take umbrage with THIS part of the Bible?!
(Umbrage! SAT word!)
This is what I call a T.M.B.S. moment.
That stands for "This Movie is Bull Shit!"
At some point, while watching a movie, someone will say, "Oh, come ON! That's unbelievable!"
Example:
In the beginning of the film "Men In Black," an alien climbs up the side of the Guggenheim Museum in Manhattan. Will Smith, who is chasing the alien, shoots the glass out of the front door and goes in.
Watching it, a friend of mine scoffed, "Come on! Where's the alarm?!"
True, if you broke the glass to a museum's entrance, an alarm would most likely sound... making it difficult to stop the ALIENS!!!!
(eye roll)
So God told the animals NOT to eat each other.
Well, what about this:
On the 5th day, after the Almighty created sea creatures and birds, God said, "Be fruitful and multiply, fill the waters in the seas and let fowl multiply on the earth" (1:22).
That's right... God had to TELL animals to have sex!
God told birds to screw and God told whales to hump.
(pun!)
Why not?
In the beginning, there were vegetarian, sexually-reserved animals... just like today!
Kind of... your dog eats its own shit and humps your leg.
Sounds like a good date to me.
Wednesday, November 25
Pharaoh = Ancient Egyptian Douche
.
Which Pharaoh was the jerk from the Exodus?
Many believe it was either Thutmose II or Thutmose III...
Notice anything interesting about those names (and also Raamses)?
In ancient Egyptian, the letters M-(O)-S-E-S meant "child" or "is born."
So Raamses means...
Anyone?... Bueller?
Right-- "Ra'amses" means "child of Ra" (the Egyptian sun god).
Son of a sun god! New means of cursing, try it out.
"Moses" is supposedly word play on the ancient Hebrew words "to draw out", since lil' baby Moses was DRAWN OUT of the Nile by Pharaoh's daughter, and he would later help DRAW the Israelites OUT of slavery.
Oh, Bible, you are so clever...
... a snake feeds a naked chick an apple, and now THIS!!!
.
Which Pharaoh was the jerk from the Exodus?
Many believe it was either Thutmose II or Thutmose III...
Notice anything interesting about those names (and also Raamses)?
In ancient Egyptian, the letters M-(O)-S-E-S meant "child" or "is born."
So Raamses means...
Anyone?... Bueller?
Right-- "Ra'amses" means "child of Ra" (the Egyptian sun god).
Son of a sun god! New means of cursing, try it out.
"Moses" is supposedly word play on the ancient Hebrew words "to draw out", since lil' baby Moses was DRAWN OUT of the Nile by Pharaoh's daughter, and he would later help DRAW the Israelites OUT of slavery.
Oh, Bible, you are so clever...
... a snake feeds a naked chick an apple, and now THIS!!!
.
Watch out-- here come the Jews!
.
Exodus begins with a new Pharaoh in Egypt (FYI, "pharaoh" is one of the oldest words in recorded history, meaning "big house"), and this Pharaoh didn't know about Jacob, Joseph and their Hebrew brethren who were so cool (and good with numbers and frugal)!
So Pharaoh says "Behold, the people of the children of Israel are more and mightier than we" (1:9), marking the last time in recorded history the Jews were ever described with those two adjectives.
And so Pharaoh, wanting to keep them weak and few in number, enslaved them ("set taskmasters over them" (v.11)
But the Israelites would have none of that...
"But the more they afflicted them, the more they multiplied and grew" (v.12).
That's right! The Israelites were having spite sex!
"Honey, I'm not in the mood!"
"Come on, Shirley, you want us Israelites to die out?
"No way, I won't give Pharaoh the satisfaction."
"Good... now speaking of satisfaction..."
And so Moses' mom, Yocheved, or in the King James-- Jochebed or Sofabed or Futon) put him in a basket and sent him down the Nile. It's like Moses' mom was a pregnant teen on prom night!
.
Exodus begins with a new Pharaoh in Egypt (FYI, "pharaoh" is one of the oldest words in recorded history, meaning "big house"), and this Pharaoh didn't know about Jacob, Joseph and their Hebrew brethren who were so cool (and good with numbers and frugal)!
So Pharaoh says "Behold, the people of the children of Israel are more and mightier than we" (1:9), marking the last time in recorded history the Jews were ever described with those two adjectives.
And so Pharaoh, wanting to keep them weak and few in number, enslaved them ("set taskmasters over them" (v.11)
But the Israelites would have none of that...
"But the more they afflicted them, the more they multiplied and grew" (v.12).
That's right! The Israelites were having spite sex!
"Honey, I'm not in the mood!"
"Come on, Shirley, you want us Israelites to die out?
"No way, I won't give Pharaoh the satisfaction."
"Good... now speaking of satisfaction..."
And so Moses' mom, Yocheved, or in the King James-- Jochebed or Sofabed or Futon) put him in a basket and sent him down the Nile. It's like Moses' mom was a pregnant teen on prom night!
.
Monday, November 23
A Rebbetzman Among the "Ortho"s
.
Last week I went to the Jerusalem Zoo,
And 2 days ago I went to Meah Sha'arim!
Differences?
Orthodox Jews RARELY throw their poo at you...
Rarely.
Meah Sha'arim is a small community in the heart of Jerusalem, several streets where the people all look... Amish. Right out of a 19th century European shtetl, it is a community filled with Orthodox and "Haredi" Jews.
Haredi (×—ֲרֵדִ×™) comes from the word "charada," meaning FEAR or ANXIETY, which is interpreted as "one who trembles in awe of God" (from Isaiah 66:2,5).
The men all dress in black, wear hats, fringes/tzitzit and most have beards. The women are in long skirts, long sleeves and hair covered (if they are over 18 or married-- the former is nearly always the same as the latter). They follow the Bible in the strictest sense.
Moses summed up his presence in Egypt, a Jew among idol worshipers, with the famous
"I was stranger in a strange land..." (Ex. 2:22).
And so was I... in Jerusalem.
Irony!!!!!
I thought, "I am a (relatively) enlightened Jew. I went to 13 years of Jewish day school, graduated from the Jewish Theological Seminary, taught Hebrew School and I'm living in Israel... and these folks STILL seem effin' weird to me!"
But y'know what... it's all relative.
I probably looked odd in their eyes.
Because people feel comfy with what they know.
But it's a big world. There are Haredi Jews in Jerusalem, Masai warriors on the African veldt, short people, tall people, blind people with food on their faces (to be expected), and me... and we all gotta make it work.
It's like Harrison Ford's character in "Witness", an undercover cop living amongst the Amish.
(In this analogy I'm Harrison... naturally).
In one scene, he has trouble milking a cow, and an older Amish fella incredulously asks, "You never had your hands on a teat before?"
Harrison answers, "Not one this big."
Ha!
Amen, brother!
... What was my point?
Oh yeah...
Cow boobs are hilarious...
and to each his own.
So be polite, try something new, grab a teat, see a Jew.
But please do not feed the monkeys.
.
Last week I went to the Jerusalem Zoo,
And 2 days ago I went to Meah Sha'arim!
Differences?
Orthodox Jews RARELY throw their poo at you...
Rarely.
Meah Sha'arim is a small community in the heart of Jerusalem, several streets where the people all look... Amish. Right out of a 19th century European shtetl, it is a community filled with Orthodox and "Haredi" Jews.
Haredi (×—ֲרֵדִ×™) comes from the word "charada," meaning FEAR or ANXIETY, which is interpreted as "one who trembles in awe of God" (from Isaiah 66:2,5).
The men all dress in black, wear hats, fringes/tzitzit and most have beards. The women are in long skirts, long sleeves and hair covered (if they are over 18 or married-- the former is nearly always the same as the latter). They follow the Bible in the strictest sense.
Moses summed up his presence in Egypt, a Jew among idol worshipers, with the famous
"I was stranger in a strange land..." (Ex. 2:22).
And so was I... in Jerusalem.
Irony!!!!!
I thought, "I am a (relatively) enlightened Jew. I went to 13 years of Jewish day school, graduated from the Jewish Theological Seminary, taught Hebrew School and I'm living in Israel... and these folks STILL seem effin' weird to me!"
But y'know what... it's all relative.
I probably looked odd in their eyes.
Because people feel comfy with what they know.
But it's a big world. There are Haredi Jews in Jerusalem, Masai warriors on the African veldt, short people, tall people, blind people with food on their faces (to be expected), and me... and we all gotta make it work.
It's like Harrison Ford's character in "Witness", an undercover cop living amongst the Amish.
(In this analogy I'm Harrison... naturally).
In one scene, he has trouble milking a cow, and an older Amish fella incredulously asks, "You never had your hands on a teat before?"
Harrison answers, "Not one this big."
Ha!
Amen, brother!
... What was my point?
Oh yeah...
Cow boobs are hilarious...
and to each his own.
So be polite, try something new, grab a teat, see a Jew.
But please do not feed the monkeys.
.
Sunday, November 22
"Excuse me, Honey... Which way is the Gym?"
Jacob tricks his bleary-eyed pop and steals his brother's blessing and his inheritance.
(in Jacob's defense...um... his brother was hairy?)
So Jacob did what any of us would do... he ran!
He comes to a new land and sees some shepherds chillin' around a giant stone, as shepherds are wont to do (those that don't chat with flaming shrubbery).
The shepherds roll the "great stone" away, and below it is a well; their sheep drink from the well, then they roll the stone back (Gen. 29:2-3)
Wow.
Being a shepherd: non-stop thrill ride.
But check it--
Then, my man Jacob sees Rachel coming over with her dad's sheep, and you know happens ...
"When Jacob saw Rachel... and the sheep... Jacob went near and rolled the stone from the well's mouth and watered the flock" (Gen. 29:15).
Damn!
My King James version calls it "a feat of unusual strength." This ain't no Festivus. This is Jacob whippin' it out and showin' Rachel what he's made of.
And you know what... that's the smartest thing Jacob has done.
"And this takes us to the second rule of Being Steve: You have to do something excellent in her presence, thus demonstrating your sexual worthiness."
-- Rule #2, "Tao of Steve", written by Duncan North
This makes TOTAL sense! Ya gotta do something to make 'em go "Wow." Ya gotta impress the ladies (as my pal Malcolm X would say) by any means necessary!
It doesn't matter what you do to impress them... as long as you're good at it!
Everybody can do something!
Jacob could roll a bolder and give water to sheep. My buddy Frank can karaoke-sing to MeatLoaf's "I Would Do Anything For Love" better than anybody. Claire Standish can apply her lipstick simply by placing it in her cleavage, looking down and moving her head back and forth.
(Don't you... forget about me)
And I...
I can juggle.
(sigh)
And write immature poetry.
Back in college, when I was courting my now-wife, I was taking a Poetry class. So I read her the following poem, to show her... how sensitive I was?
I guess it worked. And the rest, as they say, is hysterectomy.
Enjoy.
The Love Poem To End All Love Poems
Love thy neighbor, wherever you roam.
Just you make sure her husband’s not home.
Love inspires poets to create works of art.
They say it’s like a red, red rose,
... or an Achy Breaky Heart.
What is love? Is it Attraction? Allure?
Baby, don’t hurt me. Don’t hurt me, no more. (What is love?)
They say love is blind, so it’s no great leap
To condone love with all: man, woman or sheep.
Love can be tricky, with one who is chaste.
But it certainly helps if you’re both shit-faced.
Affection’s elusive with a girl who is moral.
She might give you love, but she won’t give you… the time of day.
“At the touch of love, we all become poets.”
Plato said that. Boy, don’t I know it.
(ahem)
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art sweaty and thou dost attract mosquitoes.
.
(in Jacob's defense...um... his brother was hairy?)
So Jacob did what any of us would do... he ran!
He comes to a new land and sees some shepherds chillin' around a giant stone, as shepherds are wont to do (those that don't chat with flaming shrubbery).
The shepherds roll the "great stone" away, and below it is a well; their sheep drink from the well, then they roll the stone back (Gen. 29:2-3)
Wow.
Being a shepherd: non-stop thrill ride.
But check it--
Then, my man Jacob sees Rachel coming over with her dad's sheep, and you know happens ...
"When Jacob saw Rachel... and the sheep... Jacob went near and rolled the stone from the well's mouth and watered the flock" (Gen. 29:15).
Damn!
My King James version calls it "a feat of unusual strength." This ain't no Festivus. This is Jacob whippin' it out and showin' Rachel what he's made of.
And you know what... that's the smartest thing Jacob has done.
"And this takes us to the second rule of Being Steve: You have to do something excellent in her presence, thus demonstrating your sexual worthiness."
-- Rule #2, "Tao of Steve", written by Duncan North
This makes TOTAL sense! Ya gotta do something to make 'em go "Wow." Ya gotta impress the ladies (as my pal Malcolm X would say) by any means necessary!
It doesn't matter what you do to impress them... as long as you're good at it!
Everybody can do something!
Jacob could roll a bolder and give water to sheep. My buddy Frank can karaoke-sing to MeatLoaf's "I Would Do Anything For Love" better than anybody. Claire Standish can apply her lipstick simply by placing it in her cleavage, looking down and moving her head back and forth.
(Don't you... forget about me)
And I...
I can juggle.
(sigh)
And write immature poetry.
Back in college, when I was courting my now-wife, I was taking a Poetry class. So I read her the following poem, to show her... how sensitive I was?
I guess it worked. And the rest, as they say, is hysterectomy.
Enjoy.
The Love Poem To End All Love Poems
Love thy neighbor, wherever you roam.
Just you make sure her husband’s not home.
Love inspires poets to create works of art.
They say it’s like a red, red rose,
... or an Achy Breaky Heart.
What is love? Is it Attraction? Allure?
Baby, don’t hurt me. Don’t hurt me, no more. (What is love?)
They say love is blind, so it’s no great leap
To condone love with all: man, woman or sheep.
Love can be tricky, with one who is chaste.
But it certainly helps if you’re both shit-faced.
Affection’s elusive with a girl who is moral.
She might give you love, but she won’t give you… the time of day.
“At the touch of love, we all become poets.”
Plato said that. Boy, don’t I know it.
(ahem)
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art sweaty and thou dost attract mosquitoes.
.
Saturday, November 21
Humble Pie
"And Abram fell on his face, and God talked with him.." (Gen. 17:3)
"Then Abram fell upon his face and laughed..." (Gen. 17:17)
Either Abe is really humble, or he's Chevy Chase circa 1975.
Yeah, yeah, he's bowing down, a means of supplication... he is being humble.
That is why Abraham was the father of a nation and set the patriarchal bar so high.
His humility!
And how do I know?
The greatest professor of all time taught me:
A penitent man shall pass.
"Penitent... Penitent... Penitent man shall pass...
Penitent man...
A penitent man kneels before God... Kneel!!!"
-- Prof. Henry Jones, Jr.
If Abraham and Indiana can be humble, surely the rest of us can try.
Plus, Abe was able to laugh at himself-- the rest of verse 17...
"Then Abram fell upon his face and laughed and said in his heart, shall a child be born unto him that is one hundred years old?..."
"Laugh at yourself, but don't ever
aim your doubt at yourself. Be bold.
When you embark for strange
places, don't leave any of yourself
safely on shore. Have the nerve to
go into unexplored territory."
-- Alan Alda (the actor?!)
"The Lord said to Abram, 'Get thee out of thy country, and from thy kindred, and from thy father's house, unto a land that I will show thee' " (Gen. 12:1)
"Check thy self before thou wreck thyself"
-- 11th commandment
.
"Then Abram fell upon his face and laughed..." (Gen. 17:17)
Either Abe is really humble, or he's Chevy Chase circa 1975.
Yeah, yeah, he's bowing down, a means of supplication... he is being humble.
That is why Abraham was the father of a nation and set the patriarchal bar so high.
His humility!
And how do I know?
The greatest professor of all time taught me:
A penitent man shall pass.
"Penitent... Penitent... Penitent man shall pass...
Penitent man...
A penitent man kneels before God... Kneel!!!"
-- Prof. Henry Jones, Jr.
If Abraham and Indiana can be humble, surely the rest of us can try.
Plus, Abe was able to laugh at himself-- the rest of verse 17...
"Then Abram fell upon his face and laughed and said in his heart, shall a child be born unto him that is one hundred years old?..."
"Laugh at yourself, but don't ever
aim your doubt at yourself. Be bold.
When you embark for strange
places, don't leave any of yourself
safely on shore. Have the nerve to
go into unexplored territory."
-- Alan Alda (the actor?!)
"The Lord said to Abram, 'Get thee out of thy country, and from thy kindred, and from thy father's house, unto a land that I will show thee' " (Gen. 12:1)
"Check thy self before thou wreck thyself"
-- 11th commandment
.
Thursday, November 19
Nude Noah / Drunk Dad
Noah celebrated the end of the flood the way most of us celebrate:
"And he drank of the wine and was drunk; and was uncovered within his tent."
(Gen. 9:21)
In other words,
"TOGA! TOGA! TOGA!"
-- Animal House
or
"We're going streaking!"
-- Old School
Then Noah's youngest son, Ham (pronounced "Khahm"), walks in on him and tells his 2 brothers about it. The 2 brothers enter the tent backwards and cover their soused poppa with a blanket "their faces were backward and they saw not their father's nakedness" (v.23). They didn't want to embarrass their dad, who was vulnerable... and butt nekkid.
About 15 years ago my family was at neighbor's house for a big Friday night dinner. After the meal, all the parents were upstairs talking, the kids were hanging out in the basement. I went upstairs to grab some dessert and I saw all the adults silently gathered around a friend's mom, who was gulping in air.
It turns out she had been choking on a piece of chicken and someone had just performed the Heimlich maneuver on her.
All I could think was...
"Wow! Cool!"
I rushed downstairs and told my friend, excited as a 14 year old girl meeting the cast of "Twilight"...
"Hey, David! Guess what! Your mom almost died just now!"
As all the kids packed the dining room to make sure David's mom was okay, my father pulled me aside.
"I am very disappointed in you."
Not the first time I'd heard that.
Certainly not the last.
But that stuck with me.
Instead of maintaining composure, I wanted to be the bearer of news.
My Dad was essentially quoting "Scrubs", which was quoting "Fat Albert":
"You're like school in July... no class."
---------------------------------------------
But my dad and I were all right.
In fact, we grew closer. He and my brothers came up with a code word. Y'see, in the summer times we would all wear shorts. And occasionally the shorts would be... a little too short. So whenever one of us was overexposed or "hanging brain", the others would whisper, "Dude... the toast is burning."
And then the culprit would know to re-adjust, to fix the feng shui of his family jewels.
And once in a while we'd have to let our elder statesman know, "Woah! The toast is ON FIRE! You've burned down the kitchen!!"
Sigh...
Just like with Noah!
“Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.”
-- Frank Sinatra
"And he drank of the wine and was drunk; and was uncovered within his tent."
(Gen. 9:21)
In other words,
"TOGA! TOGA! TOGA!"
-- Animal House
or
"We're going streaking!"
-- Old School
Then Noah's youngest son, Ham (pronounced "Khahm"), walks in on him and tells his 2 brothers about it. The 2 brothers enter the tent backwards and cover their soused poppa with a blanket "their faces were backward and they saw not their father's nakedness" (v.23). They didn't want to embarrass their dad, who was vulnerable... and butt nekkid.
About 15 years ago my family was at neighbor's house for a big Friday night dinner. After the meal, all the parents were upstairs talking, the kids were hanging out in the basement. I went upstairs to grab some dessert and I saw all the adults silently gathered around a friend's mom, who was gulping in air.
It turns out she had been choking on a piece of chicken and someone had just performed the Heimlich maneuver on her.
All I could think was...
"Wow! Cool!"
I rushed downstairs and told my friend, excited as a 14 year old girl meeting the cast of "Twilight"...
"Hey, David! Guess what! Your mom almost died just now!"
As all the kids packed the dining room to make sure David's mom was okay, my father pulled me aside.
"I am very disappointed in you."
Not the first time I'd heard that.
Certainly not the last.
But that stuck with me.
Instead of maintaining composure, I wanted to be the bearer of news.
My Dad was essentially quoting "Scrubs", which was quoting "Fat Albert":
"You're like school in July... no class."
---------------------------------------------
But my dad and I were all right.
In fact, we grew closer. He and my brothers came up with a code word. Y'see, in the summer times we would all wear shorts. And occasionally the shorts would be... a little too short. So whenever one of us was overexposed or "hanging brain", the others would whisper, "Dude... the toast is burning."
And then the culprit would know to re-adjust, to fix the feng shui of his family jewels.
And once in a while we'd have to let our elder statesman know, "Woah! The toast is ON FIRE! You've burned down the kitchen!!"
Sigh...
Just like with Noah!
“Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.”
-- Frank Sinatra
Tuesday, November 17
Tee Many Martoonis!
(Gen. 9:21)
"And he drank of the wine and was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent."
Many commentators have derided Noah for his uncouth behavior here.
My opinion...
What's the big deal?
Noah spent over a month on a boat with his family and (let's just say) many, many animals. He did what God asked, built the ark, saved humanity and several species... what more does God want???
He is entitled to unwind a little, enjoy himself.
Same thing with maternity leave, the G.I. bill, or the oil rig turned astronaut guys on the rocket ship in "Armageddon" (1998), who tell the president they don't to pay taxes... ever again.
Why the hell not! They're entitled!
Besides I've said it before, I'll say it again---
Pobody's Nerfect.
They can't all be Moses, okay!
Not everyone is Odysseus, Harry Potter, or Gene Hackman from the original "Poseidon Adventure" (1972-- awesome flick).
Some heroes are flawed.
Actually, MOST heroes are flawed.
Think about it:
Beowulf, Spiderman, Captain Jack Sparrow... the list is endless!
So what if Noah got drunk!
Sure, it leads to Noah's son (Ham) gawking and laughing at him (9:22). But what's the big deal? Why does Noah have to curse Ham's kid, his grandson? (v.25-26)
Is this simply to emphasize "Honor your dad"?
But what really boils my custard-- or burns my bagel, or turns my yogurt... what annoys me is the asterisk in my bible pointing to Genesis 19:30-35 as a similar instance where wine leads to sin.
In 19:30-35, Lot's daughters think the world is coming to an end, they conspire to get their dad wasted, then they hump his drunken brains out and (eventually) give birth to his (grand)sons.
First of all, today this is known as a Kentucky Honeymoon.
Second of all... Ewwwww.
I think that is a MUCH worse, MUCH more sinful (or, biblically-speaking, "icky")
abuse of wine than Ham simply peaking at his naked drunk dad.
Getting drunk isn't always awful.
It's all relative (ha! an incest pun! The first of many).
Last week I joined my wife, who is in her 2nd year of Rabbinical school, at a local Israeli bar (or in Hebrew, "pub"), along with two dozen other rabbis-to-be. Let me tell you, few things are as amusing as young rabbinical students singing karaoke and arguing about Jewish law ("Talmud Bavli? How about Talmud Blow me!").
But that is how rabbis unwind. And everyone needs that.
One November evening during college, at a cast party I was frustrated, alone, and I became quite inebriated. At a friend's apartment on 115th st. in Manhattan, Saturday evening, around 2 AM, I began drinking vodka and rum like water and... darker-colored water.
The next thing I know I lying in my bed (alone, for the record), in my apartment on 121 st., and it is 8 PM SUNDAY NIGHT!
And there are vomit stains everywhere. I have ruined all the books for my classic American Lit. class-- the works of Ernest Hemingway, Mark Twain, Edith Wharton... all gross!!
What a loss!!
(well, not so much the Edith Wharton).
I learned that my roommate had to carry me home and help me go to the bathroom (according to him, he merely instructed me as I aimed, "Left... right... DOWN! DOWN!)
So... my point is... I am like Noah!
Except... my woodworking skills... Ikea... make your own joke.
Maximus the "Gladiator"
"And he drank of the wine and was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent."
Many commentators have derided Noah for his uncouth behavior here.
My opinion...
What's the big deal?
Noah spent over a month on a boat with his family and (let's just say) many, many animals. He did what God asked, built the ark, saved humanity and several species... what more does God want???
He is entitled to unwind a little, enjoy himself.
Same thing with maternity leave, the G.I. bill, or the oil rig turned astronaut guys on the rocket ship in "Armageddon" (1998), who tell the president they don't to pay taxes... ever again.
Why the hell not! They're entitled!
Besides I've said it before, I'll say it again---
Pobody's Nerfect.
They can't all be Moses, okay!
Not everyone is Odysseus, Harry Potter, or Gene Hackman from the original "Poseidon Adventure" (1972-- awesome flick).
Some heroes are flawed.
Actually, MOST heroes are flawed.
Think about it:
Beowulf, Spiderman, Captain Jack Sparrow... the list is endless!
So what if Noah got drunk!
Sure, it leads to Noah's son (Ham) gawking and laughing at him (9:22). But what's the big deal? Why does Noah have to curse Ham's kid, his grandson? (v.25-26)
Is this simply to emphasize "Honor your dad"?
But what really boils my custard-- or burns my bagel, or turns my yogurt... what annoys me is the asterisk in my bible pointing to Genesis 19:30-35 as a similar instance where wine leads to sin.
In 19:30-35, Lot's daughters think the world is coming to an end, they conspire to get their dad wasted, then they hump his drunken brains out and (eventually) give birth to his (grand)sons.
First of all, today this is known as a Kentucky Honeymoon.
Second of all... Ewwwww.
I think that is a MUCH worse, MUCH more sinful (or, biblically-speaking, "icky")
abuse of wine than Ham simply peaking at his naked drunk dad.
Getting drunk isn't always awful.
It's all relative (ha! an incest pun! The first of many).
Last week I joined my wife, who is in her 2nd year of Rabbinical school, at a local Israeli bar (or in Hebrew, "pub"), along with two dozen other rabbis-to-be. Let me tell you, few things are as amusing as young rabbinical students singing karaoke and arguing about Jewish law ("Talmud Bavli? How about Talmud Blow me!").
But that is how rabbis unwind. And everyone needs that.
One November evening during college, at a cast party I was frustrated, alone, and I became quite inebriated. At a friend's apartment on 115th st. in Manhattan, Saturday evening, around 2 AM, I began drinking vodka and rum like water and... darker-colored water.
The next thing I know I lying in my bed (alone, for the record), in my apartment on 121 st., and it is 8 PM SUNDAY NIGHT!
And there are vomit stains everywhere. I have ruined all the books for my classic American Lit. class-- the works of Ernest Hemingway, Mark Twain, Edith Wharton... all gross!!
What a loss!!
(well, not so much the Edith Wharton).
I learned that my roommate had to carry me home and help me go to the bathroom (according to him, he merely instructed me as I aimed, "Left... right... DOWN! DOWN!)
So... my point is... I am like Noah!
Except... my woodworking skills... Ikea... make your own joke.
Maximus the "Gladiator"
"Snakes! Why'd it have to be Snakes?" -- Rabbi Indiana ben Jones
.
Oh, Bible, you come up with the most reasonable explanations for obvious things!
Adam and Eve, snake, apple, etc.
As punishment, God tells the snake (Gen. 3:15):
"I will put enmity between you and and the woman, between your seed and her seed, it shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise his heel."
A-ha! So THIS is the reason why people and snakes aren't best buddies!
If not for the unpleasant apple incident, we'd have domesticated the snake years ago, we'd be picking up their snake shit in ziploc bags, put little suctions on car windows- "Boa on Board"...
Westminster Snake Show, you get the idea...
The bible I'm reading explains that this is a metaphor-- man will triumph over Satan, linking this to Romans 16:20-- "And God shall bruise Satan under your feet shortly."
Really? The embodiment of pure evil and wickedness in the universe and the best we can do is-- "I'm gonna squash him with my foot!"
I shall destroy the Prince of Darkness 'neath my Nike cross-trainer!
.
Oh, Bible, you come up with the most reasonable explanations for obvious things!
Adam and Eve, snake, apple, etc.
As punishment, God tells the snake (Gen. 3:15):
"I will put enmity between you and and the woman, between your seed and her seed, it shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise his heel."
A-ha! So THIS is the reason why people and snakes aren't best buddies!
If not for the unpleasant apple incident, we'd have domesticated the snake years ago, we'd be picking up their snake shit in ziploc bags, put little suctions on car windows- "Boa on Board"...
Westminster Snake Show, you get the idea...
The bible I'm reading explains that this is a metaphor-- man will triumph over Satan, linking this to Romans 16:20-- "And God shall bruise Satan under your feet shortly."
Really? The embodiment of pure evil and wickedness in the universe and the best we can do is-- "I'm gonna squash him with my foot!"
I shall destroy the Prince of Darkness 'neath my Nike cross-trainer!
.
Monday, November 16
Baby baby, oh baby baby" -- Salt 'N Pepper
.
IRONY!!!!
God promises Abraham many kids (Gen. 13:16).
And yet, his wife
and his son's wife
and grandson's wife all had trouble gettin' preggers.
Sarah (Gen. 16:1); Rebekah (25:21); Rachel (29:31) -- all barren.
At first, not one of them could toss the ball through the hoop.
They couldn't knock over the milk bottle,
Ride the ferris wheel of procreation all the way to... God, I wanna go to a carnival!
(sigh)
One could say that God helping the matriarchs conceive emphasizes God's power-- showing how chosen the Israelites must have been, since they could barely conceive!
Or it reminds us what a true miracle childbirth is! It's unbelievable that it happens at all!
This barren problem is extra ironic, since the first mitzvah that people are commanded to do is procreate (Gen. 1:28).
Which at first seems redundant. Adam and Eve-- alone, chillin' in a garden, no TV or magazines, not to mention they are "naked, not ashamed," (Gen. 2:25) ... what ELSE are they gonna do? They really had to be TOLD to get "down with they bad selves??"
(insert your own "snake in her garden" joke)
Of course, God also told sea monsters and birds to procreate (Gen. 1:22)... not with each other... although maybe that's how we got dinosaurs...
Anyway, this biblical Narrative-Darwinism kinda makes sense-- before anything else, make sure the story keeps going by making more characters.
"...With an ability to survive, anything is possible, and without it... nothing."
-- Moss Hart, legendary Broadway writer/director/producer
"I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it." -- Beyonce
IRONY!!!!
God promises Abraham many kids (Gen. 13:16).
And yet, his wife
and his son's wife
and grandson's wife all had trouble gettin' preggers.
Sarah (Gen. 16:1); Rebekah (25:21); Rachel (29:31) -- all barren.
At first, not one of them could toss the ball through the hoop.
They couldn't knock over the milk bottle,
Ride the ferris wheel of procreation all the way to... God, I wanna go to a carnival!
(sigh)
One could say that God helping the matriarchs conceive emphasizes God's power-- showing how chosen the Israelites must have been, since they could barely conceive!
Or it reminds us what a true miracle childbirth is! It's unbelievable that it happens at all!
This barren problem is extra ironic, since the first mitzvah that people are commanded to do is procreate (Gen. 1:28).
Which at first seems redundant. Adam and Eve-- alone, chillin' in a garden, no TV or magazines, not to mention they are "naked, not ashamed," (Gen. 2:25) ... what ELSE are they gonna do? They really had to be TOLD to get "down with they bad selves??"
(insert your own "snake in her garden" joke)
Of course, God also told sea monsters and birds to procreate (Gen. 1:22)... not with each other... although maybe that's how we got dinosaurs...
Anyway, this biblical Narrative-Darwinism kinda makes sense-- before anything else, make sure the story keeps going by making more characters.
"...With an ability to survive, anything is possible, and without it... nothing."
-- Moss Hart, legendary Broadway writer/director/producer
"I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it." -- Beyonce
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