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To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems.-- Homer (season 8, ep. 18)
Deuteronomy 1:1--
"These be the words which Moses spake unto all Israel..."
Yaaarrrr, these be the words!
Avast, ye scurvy Israelites-- thar be Moses, over yonder!
(Sigh)
When you translate Hebrew into English, especially fancy-pants Shakespearean English... you get Pirate-esque phrases.
But wait!
I can work with this!
Take a look at this dialogue from "Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl" (the good one):
Jack Sparrow: Stop! Not good! What are you doing? You burned all the food, the shade... the rum!
Elizabeth: Yes, the rum is gone.
Jack Sparrow: Why is the rum gone?
Elizabeth:... Because it is a *vile* drink that turns even the most respectable men into complete scoundrels...
(written by Ted Elliot, Terry Rossio)
Alcohol is bad!!!!
At least according to Elizabeth from the "Pirates" movie...
and the Bible!
"And Noah... planted a vineyard... And he drank of the wine, and he was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent." (Genesis 9:20-21)
"And Lot... dwelt in a cave, he and his two daughters... And the firstborn said to the younger... 'Come, let us make our father drink wine and we will lie with him'... Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father."
(Genesis 19:30-32,36)
"And the Lord spake unto Aaron, saying, 'Do not drink wine nor strong drink... when ye go into the tabernacle of the congregation, lest ye die.'" (Leviticus 10:8-9)
"Nabal... was churlish and evil in his doings... folly [was] with him... he held a feast in his house... and Nabal's heart was merry within him, for he was very drunken... the Lord smote Nabal, that he died... the Lord hath returned the wickedness of Nabal upon his own head."
(I Samuel 25:3,25,36,38,39)
"...Elah, the son of Baasha [began] to reign over Israel in Tirzah. And his servant, Zimri, captain of half his chariots, conspired against him, as he was in Tirzah, drinking himself drunk..."
(I Kings 16:9)
"And they went out at noon. But Ben-Hadad was drinking himself drunk..."
(I Kings 20:16)
In all fairness, there was more to each of the above incidents than mere alcohol-consumption. But excessive boozing is clearly frowned upon in the Bible.
Why?
Well, wine plays such a major role in Judeo-Christian religious ceremonies-- Jews drink wine every Friday night and many Christians believe sacramental wine is Jesus' blood.
Jews do not believe this... However, we DO believe that beer is the urine of Moses.
And vodka is Isaac’s saliva.
And that a pina colada is Abraham’s… anyway, we’ve gotten off topic…
Which brings me to an important rule, in general:
Moderation in all things!
It's good advice.
Booze, Work, Sex, Television-- a moderate amount of all these things is wonderful! Too much can lead to misery... and chlamydia!
During my junior year of college, I got black-out drunk. Saturday night at 2 AM… until Sunday night, 8 PM—gone. I woke up covered in my own sick. Thankfully, I don’t remember any of it (see my entry from November 11th). And I’ve never gotten that drunk again. Lesson learned.
But, in the spirit of fairness, I'll leave you with the wisdom of Mayor Quimby, regarding alcohol:
"It tastes great, makes women appear more attractive, and makes a person virtually invulnerable to criticism."
(“The Simpsons,” season 8, episode 18, "Homer vs. the 18th Amendment")
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Thursday, December 24
Men's Priorities
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Throughout the book of Deuteronomy, God explains (through Moses) the rules and laws the Israelites are supposed to follow.
Chapter 20 deals with military service.
Who is temporarily exempt from military duty? (besides Klinger)
Check out verse 5:
"What man is there that hath built a new house, and hath not dedicated it? Let him go and return to his house, lest he die in the battle and another man dedicate it."
Verse 6, The same formula-- but for wine:
"What man... planted a vineyard, and hath not yet eaten of it? ... let him also go... lest he die in the battle, and another man eat of it."
And, naturally, verse 7:
"What man is... betrothed to a wife and hath not taken her?... Let him go... lest he die in the battle, and another man take her."
BAM!
Here we see the three priorities in a man's life: Shelter, Booze, and Dames!
It's a natural progression: a place to sleep, something to eat/drink, and someone to share it with-- to eat, drink and be "merry"... unless she has a headache.
That sure would stink-- you go to all the trouble of building a house, or planting crops, or wooing a lady... and you die before you can enjoy any of it! Some OTHER guy is in YOUR bed, drinking YOUR wine, and being "merry" all over YOUR woman!
Now THAT'S getting the fuzzy end of the lollipop!
Unfair!
And God knew this.
Hence-- this very sensible rule.
How refreshing.
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Throughout the book of Deuteronomy, God explains (through Moses) the rules and laws the Israelites are supposed to follow.
Chapter 20 deals with military service.
Who is temporarily exempt from military duty? (besides Klinger)
Check out verse 5:
"What man is there that hath built a new house, and hath not dedicated it? Let him go and return to his house, lest he die in the battle and another man dedicate it."
Verse 6, The same formula-- but for wine:
"What man... planted a vineyard, and hath not yet eaten of it? ... let him also go... lest he die in the battle, and another man eat of it."
And, naturally, verse 7:
"What man is... betrothed to a wife and hath not taken her?... Let him go... lest he die in the battle, and another man take her."
BAM!
Here we see the three priorities in a man's life: Shelter, Booze, and Dames!
It's a natural progression: a place to sleep, something to eat/drink, and someone to share it with-- to eat, drink and be "merry"... unless she has a headache.
That sure would stink-- you go to all the trouble of building a house, or planting crops, or wooing a lady... and you die before you can enjoy any of it! Some OTHER guy is in YOUR bed, drinking YOUR wine, and being "merry" all over YOUR woman!
Now THAT'S getting the fuzzy end of the lollipop!
Unfair!
And God knew this.
Hence-- this very sensible rule.
How refreshing.
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"Come together... right now"
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Let's take it down a notch:
The Mourner's Kaddish is recited at the end of nearly every organized prayer service
in the Jewish religion, assuming there are 10 Jewish adults present.
Someone mourning the death of a close relative stands up and says the Kaddish, while everyone else responds a few times.
The actual prayer-- The Mourner's Kaddish-- is often the only Hebrew many Jews are capable of saying out loud.
Well, guess what-- it ain't Hebrew!
It is written in Aramaic.
I don't speak Aramaic.
And, I'm guessing, neither do you.
(They SHOULD teach it in high schools, I agree!)
So how can we make this Aramaic prayer (that takes about one minute to recite) meaningful to us?
Do what I do:
Update it!
And put it in your own words!
I use "Field of Dreams"
When I look at the people mourning the loss of loved ones, I think the second phrase "The Voice" told Ray in the cornfield:
"Ease his pain"
(or "her pain", depending on the gender... duh)
Simple. To the Point. I mean, what more can you ask for? That's WHY we say the prayer... for the benefit of the mourner, to give them closure. Help them... to ease their pain.
Remembering the death of a loved one is really a way of remembering their life.
The whole prayer takes about one minute to recite, but it is often the precise reason Jews will gather together.
And it can only be recited in the presence of a minyan (group of ten or more Jewish adults).
Why?
Maybe because when people are in the process of mourning, they naturally want isolate themselves, away from society...
Well, Judaism says, "Not so fast, Sunny Jim. Other people can help. You gotta learn to mourn... in the presence of others."
"Do not separate yourself from the community"
-- Rabbi Hillel (Ethics of the Fathers, 2:5)
It is SO EASY to separate.
Remember those days when you don't leave your house/apartment until 6 o'clock at night?
You feel like crap, dontcha?
Well, Judaism anticipates that!
And a minyan coming together is a terrific thing-- when a person is mourning, Jews will rally.
"I need to recite the Kaddish, are you available to--"
"Gimme the time and place, I'll be there."
When the chips are down, Jews rally around one another.
Someone feels compelled to recite the Mourner's Kaddish, let's get together and help them through it... even if it's just for a 15 minute evening prayer service.
It unites, it motivates people to come together.
And people will come.
"Oh... people will come Ray. People will most definitely come."
-- "Field of Dreams" (book by W.P. Kinsella, screenplay by Phil Alden Robinson)
.
Let's take it down a notch:
The Mourner's Kaddish is recited at the end of nearly every organized prayer service
in the Jewish religion, assuming there are 10 Jewish adults present.
Someone mourning the death of a close relative stands up and says the Kaddish, while everyone else responds a few times.
The actual prayer-- The Mourner's Kaddish-- is often the only Hebrew many Jews are capable of saying out loud.
Well, guess what-- it ain't Hebrew!
It is written in Aramaic.
I don't speak Aramaic.
And, I'm guessing, neither do you.
(They SHOULD teach it in high schools, I agree!)
So how can we make this Aramaic prayer (that takes about one minute to recite) meaningful to us?
Do what I do:
Update it!
And put it in your own words!
I use "Field of Dreams"
When I look at the people mourning the loss of loved ones, I think the second phrase "The Voice" told Ray in the cornfield:
"Ease his pain"
(or "her pain", depending on the gender... duh)
Simple. To the Point. I mean, what more can you ask for? That's WHY we say the prayer... for the benefit of the mourner, to give them closure. Help them... to ease their pain.
Remembering the death of a loved one is really a way of remembering their life.
The whole prayer takes about one minute to recite, but it is often the precise reason Jews will gather together.
And it can only be recited in the presence of a minyan (group of ten or more Jewish adults).
Why?
Maybe because when people are in the process of mourning, they naturally want isolate themselves, away from society...
Well, Judaism says, "Not so fast, Sunny Jim. Other people can help. You gotta learn to mourn... in the presence of others."
"Do not separate yourself from the community"
-- Rabbi Hillel (Ethics of the Fathers, 2:5)
It is SO EASY to separate.
Remember those days when you don't leave your house/apartment until 6 o'clock at night?
You feel like crap, dontcha?
Well, Judaism anticipates that!
And a minyan coming together is a terrific thing-- when a person is mourning, Jews will rally.
"I need to recite the Kaddish, are you available to--"
"Gimme the time and place, I'll be there."
When the chips are down, Jews rally around one another.
Someone feels compelled to recite the Mourner's Kaddish, let's get together and help them through it... even if it's just for a 15 minute evening prayer service.
It unites, it motivates people to come together.
And people will come.
"Oh... people will come Ray. People will most definitely come."
-- "Field of Dreams" (book by W.P. Kinsella, screenplay by Phil Alden Robinson)
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