Posts
.
"The devil can site scripture for his own purpose!"
-- Shakespeare, "Merchant Of Venice" (act 1, scene 3)
Certainly.
Which is why it is imperative to look at the WHOLE picture before making up one's mind and passing judgment.
When I studied in Israel during the first semester of my Junior of High School, every Saturday morning I recited the "Shmah" prayer, the most basic prayer in Judaism:
"Hear O' Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is One"
(Deut. 6:4)
After that part, there is a big ol' paragraph that is recited silently--
including the verse:
"Take heed to yourselves, that your heart be not deceived, and ye turn aside, and serve other gods, and worship them"
(Deut. 11:15)
Ironically, the way my prayer book was laid out, the verse was split up on two lines--
"Take heed to yourselves, that your heart be not deceived, and ye
turn aside, and serve other gods, and worship them"
Woah!
If you just read the second half of the verse, you'd think it was saying "Turn aside and serve other gods..."
In other words, the OPPOSITE of its intention.
That works with sentence that starts with "Don't":
"Thou shall not
Murder"
"Do not
Put a stumbling block before the blind"
And I think we've all been in a dorm room, naked, when we hear a knock on the door.
"Don't come in!" we shout.
But, invariably, the person doesn't hear the "Don't" part and enters!
Agghhh! Embarrassing!
(hint-- that's why I usually precede the "Don't come in" with "I'm naked, go away!")
So, don't take anything at face value--
Give people the benefit of the doubt, because you don't know the whole story.
A fun "getting to know you" game: Go around the room and say something that, taken out of context, makes you sound like an awful human being.
Example:
When I was 15, I peed on my brother.
(he had been stung by a jellyfish... really... honest!... sick bastard)
"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."
- Plato
That's good advice. Consider that the next time some jerk cuts you off in traffic or bumps into you in the hallway, or walks in on you naked, masturbating in his dorm room... for some reason... hypothetically speaking.
(ahem)
Note--
Earlier, when discussing my prayerbook, I quoted the King James Version of Deut. 11:16 just to be consistent.
Naturally my Jewish prayerbook was different, but barely--
"Take care lest you be tempted to
forsake God and turn to false gods in worship").
Friday, January 29
Monday, January 25
"I Need a Hero!"
.
DAVID was the Bible’s first action hero.
Okay okay, not exactly.
Before David there were some cool Biblical heroes:
Samson— super strong, killed thousands of Philistines
Moses— killed a taskmaster, had a magic wand, etc.
Joshua— helpful spy (Numbers 13), then led troops in conquest of Canaan at the Battle of Jericho
Noah— he … had a boat
(… like Captain Stubing... or Forrest Gump!)
But David was the whole package—he could play beautiful music, kill the warrior Goliath, rule as Israel’s greatest king…
But let's face it-- if you're an action star, you gotta say some really cool stuff!
"Let me people go!"
-- Moses (Ex. 5:1)
"Sun, stand... still!"
-- Joshua (10:12)
"Yippie ki yay, melon farmer!"
-- John McClane
(TV version of "Die Hard")
and so...
David to Abiathar, who fled from the crazy, murderous King Saul:
“Abide thou with me, fear not: for he that seeketh my life seeketh thy life: but with me thou shalt be in safeguard.”
-- 1Samuel 22:23
“Come with me if you want to live.”
-- “The Terminator” (1984, written by James Cameron)
Now, some “West Wing”!
White House Press Secretary C.J. Cregg (Allison Janney) has received death threats, so CIA agent Simon Donovan (Mark Harmon) is assigned to protect her.
SIMON:
This guy isn't small-time, Ms. Cregg. You're being hunted. By the way, I can't guarantee anything except to say that if you're dead, chances are I am, too.
-- “The West Wing” (Season 3, ep.18, “Enemies Foreign and Domestic,” written by Paul Redfor and Aaron Sorkin)
Excerpt from “The Simpsons Bible Stories” episode:
[After Goliath’s son, Goliath 2, kills Methuseleh, David’s ‘oldest friend’]
DAVID:
Goliath 2 is gonna pay and this time… it’s biblical…
Get ready to meet the first action hero!
--(“The Simpsons,” 1999, season 10, ep. 18, written by Larry Doyle, Tim Long, Matt Selman)
.
DAVID was the Bible’s first action hero.
Okay okay, not exactly.
Before David there were some cool Biblical heroes:
Samson— super strong, killed thousands of Philistines
Moses— killed a taskmaster, had a magic wand, etc.
Joshua— helpful spy (Numbers 13), then led troops in conquest of Canaan at the Battle of Jericho
Noah— he … had a boat
(… like Captain Stubing... or Forrest Gump!)
But David was the whole package—he could play beautiful music, kill the warrior Goliath, rule as Israel’s greatest king…
But let's face it-- if you're an action star, you gotta say some really cool stuff!
"Let me people go!"
-- Moses (Ex. 5:1)
"Sun, stand... still!"
-- Joshua (10:12)
"Yippie ki yay, melon farmer!"
-- John McClane
(TV version of "Die Hard")
and so...
David to Abiathar, who fled from the crazy, murderous King Saul:
“Abide thou with me, fear not: for he that seeketh my life seeketh thy life: but with me thou shalt be in safeguard.”
-- 1Samuel 22:23
“Come with me if you want to live.”
-- “The Terminator” (1984, written by James Cameron)
Now, some “West Wing”!
White House Press Secretary C.J. Cregg (Allison Janney) has received death threats, so CIA agent Simon Donovan (Mark Harmon) is assigned to protect her.
SIMON:
This guy isn't small-time, Ms. Cregg. You're being hunted. By the way, I can't guarantee anything except to say that if you're dead, chances are I am, too.
-- “The West Wing” (Season 3, ep.18, “Enemies Foreign and Domestic,” written by Paul Redfor and Aaron Sorkin)
Excerpt from “The Simpsons Bible Stories” episode:
[After Goliath’s son, Goliath 2, kills Methuseleh, David’s ‘oldest friend’]
DAVID:
Goliath 2 is gonna pay and this time… it’s biblical…
Get ready to meet the first action hero!
--(“The Simpsons,” 1999, season 10, ep. 18, written by Larry Doyle, Tim Long, Matt Selman)
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Sunday, January 24
Preparation H- oly Babble
.
The carbuncle plays a surprisingly large role in the Bible.
It is only mentioned 4 times… but even THAT is still surprising.
If you don’t know what a carbuncle is, stay tuned, it’s worth it.
First— two bible verses:
God, describing a breastplate the Israelites must fashion for the high priests:
“And thou shalt set in it settings of stones, even four rows of stones: the first row shall be a sardius, a topaz, and a carbuncle: this shall be the first row.”
(Exodus 28:17)
(this is repeated in Ex. 39:10)
In Ezekiel 28:13, the prophet reminds the sinful King of Tyrus (and all people) how great the Paradise was:
Thou hast been in Eden the garden of God; every precious stone was thy covering, the sardius, topaz, and the diamond, the beryl, the onyx, and the jasper, the sapphire, the emerald, and the carbuncle, and gold:
Wow… a litany of stones… and carbuncle comes BEFORE gold???
This carbuncle must be one helluva rock!
(It’s also mentioned in Isaiah 54:12, describing how the faithful will have windows lined with the stone)
Well, according to the folks at Britannica, a carbuncle stone is
“a deep red, cabochon-cut almandine, which is an iron aluminum garnet.”
In other words, a red gemstone.
But that is just ONE definition.
(cue ominous music)
I will give the medical definition of “carbuncle” soon.
Firs, as I grew up, my father informed me that a carbuncle was pretty much like a hemorrhoid.
And guess what!
He was right!
If you’re strong enough, the following paragraph describes a carbuncle:
A carbuncle typically consists of two or more interconnected boils called furuncles; these are painful red nodules that form yellowish heads which burst to release pus and dead tissue… They occur most often in hairy skin areas or areas that are subject to friction—e.g., the back of the neck, the armpits, and the buttocks… While simple boils can be eliminated by the application of hot, moist dressings followed by washing with soap, carbuncles may have to be lanced and drained.
(from the Encyclopedia Britannica, on www.britannica.com )
First of all, I want my nieces and nephews to call “furuncle.”
Secondly, my dad knew I wasn’t ready to hear all of that!
So he said it was like a hemorrhoid.
And he taught me such complex medical terminology the only way he knew how… through the following joke:
There was a guy who was a Carbuncle Sucker.
His job was to lie flat on the floor and, while his customers would drop their pants and squat over him, he would suck the carbuncles out of their butt holes.
This was the job of the Carbuncle Sucker.
(quick aside—my father taught High School English for 37 years… back to the joke)
One day, the Carbuncle Sucker was doing his job, his face buried in some gentleman’s ass, sucking some gentleman’s carbuncle, when all of a sudden—the gentleman lets out a tremendous fart! Long and loud… and needless, to say, stinky.
“Sorry,” mutters the gentleman.
The Carbuncle Sucker looks up at him and says, “Sir… It’s people like you that make this job disgusting.”
End of joke.
And THAT is all I knew about carbuncles… until I read the Bible!
Just goes to show you…
Even something gross… can be a thing of beauty…
(and vice versa)
/Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?/
Thou art sweaty and dost attract mosquitoes/
.
The carbuncle plays a surprisingly large role in the Bible.
It is only mentioned 4 times… but even THAT is still surprising.
If you don’t know what a carbuncle is, stay tuned, it’s worth it.
First— two bible verses:
God, describing a breastplate the Israelites must fashion for the high priests:
“And thou shalt set in it settings of stones, even four rows of stones: the first row shall be a sardius, a topaz, and a carbuncle: this shall be the first row.”
(Exodus 28:17)
(this is repeated in Ex. 39:10)
In Ezekiel 28:13, the prophet reminds the sinful King of Tyrus (and all people) how great the Paradise was:
Thou hast been in Eden the garden of God; every precious stone was thy covering, the sardius, topaz, and the diamond, the beryl, the onyx, and the jasper, the sapphire, the emerald, and the carbuncle, and gold:
Wow… a litany of stones… and carbuncle comes BEFORE gold???
This carbuncle must be one helluva rock!
(It’s also mentioned in Isaiah 54:12, describing how the faithful will have windows lined with the stone)
Well, according to the folks at Britannica, a carbuncle stone is
“a deep red, cabochon-cut almandine, which is an iron aluminum garnet.”
In other words, a red gemstone.
But that is just ONE definition.
(cue ominous music)
I will give the medical definition of “carbuncle” soon.
Firs, as I grew up, my father informed me that a carbuncle was pretty much like a hemorrhoid.
And guess what!
He was right!
If you’re strong enough, the following paragraph describes a carbuncle:
A carbuncle typically consists of two or more interconnected boils called furuncles; these are painful red nodules that form yellowish heads which burst to release pus and dead tissue… They occur most often in hairy skin areas or areas that are subject to friction—e.g., the back of the neck, the armpits, and the buttocks… While simple boils can be eliminated by the application of hot, moist dressings followed by washing with soap, carbuncles may have to be lanced and drained.
(from the Encyclopedia Britannica, on www.britannica.com )
First of all, I want my nieces and nephews to call “furuncle.”
Secondly, my dad knew I wasn’t ready to hear all of that!
So he said it was like a hemorrhoid.
And he taught me such complex medical terminology the only way he knew how… through the following joke:
There was a guy who was a Carbuncle Sucker.
His job was to lie flat on the floor and, while his customers would drop their pants and squat over him, he would suck the carbuncles out of their butt holes.
This was the job of the Carbuncle Sucker.
(quick aside—my father taught High School English for 37 years… back to the joke)
One day, the Carbuncle Sucker was doing his job, his face buried in some gentleman’s ass, sucking some gentleman’s carbuncle, when all of a sudden—the gentleman lets out a tremendous fart! Long and loud… and needless, to say, stinky.
“Sorry,” mutters the gentleman.
The Carbuncle Sucker looks up at him and says, “Sir… It’s people like you that make this job disgusting.”
End of joke.
And THAT is all I knew about carbuncles… until I read the Bible!
Just goes to show you…
Even something gross… can be a thing of beauty…
(and vice versa)
/Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?/
Thou art sweaty and dost attract mosquitoes/
.
Friday, January 22
Sharing is caring
.
"
Barney Rubble: Santa?! My pebbles!
Fred Flinstone: YOUR pebbles???
Santa: 'Tis the season to be sharing, Fred.
"
-- 1980s Fruity Pebbles Cereal Commercial, aired during the holiday season
The first 6 chapters of Leviticus are all dedicated to sacrifices—and it’s pretty damn gross.
“… then he shall bring his offering of turtledoves or of young pigeons. And the priest shall bring it… and wring off its head and burn it…
And the skin of the bullock and all his flesh, with his head and with his legs and his innards and his dung… shall he carry forth…”
(Lev. 1:14-15, 4:11-12)
Yum!
How in the world can I apply THIS to my everyday life?
Love thy neighbor… and be sure to carry his dung for him?
But one verse stuck out—
“And every meat offering, mingled with oil, and dry, shall all the sons of Aaron have, one as much as another.”
(Lev. 7:10)
So simple, yet so crucial!
Come on, boys, share with each other.
Up till this point in the Bible we have seen what happens when one sibling gets favored over another—Esav was getting the birthright since he was older, so Jacob tricked their dad, Isaac, and stole it. Not that Jacob learned anything, because he gave his favorite son, Joseph, a coat of many colors (it was FABulous!). And remember way back, when Abraham kicked out his handmaid, Hagar, and their son Ishmael once Rachel gave birth to Isaac. And the Arabs descended from Ishmael, the Jews from Isaac, and everything worked out just fine between them…
Finally, God tells the Israelite priests—“ Hey, play nice.”
Sharing is caring!
My dad used to sing the following song to me as a child:
Let’s talk about Aaron
He’s good at sharin’
If he has two cupcakes
He’ll give you one
I don’t recall ever sharing my cupcakes, but now my dad is a diabetic, so I guess I must have at some point.
.
"
Barney Rubble: Santa?! My pebbles!
Fred Flinstone: YOUR pebbles???
Santa: 'Tis the season to be sharing, Fred.
"
-- 1980s Fruity Pebbles Cereal Commercial, aired during the holiday season
The first 6 chapters of Leviticus are all dedicated to sacrifices—and it’s pretty damn gross.
“… then he shall bring his offering of turtledoves or of young pigeons. And the priest shall bring it… and wring off its head and burn it…
And the skin of the bullock and all his flesh, with his head and with his legs and his innards and his dung… shall he carry forth…”
(Lev. 1:14-15, 4:11-12)
Yum!
How in the world can I apply THIS to my everyday life?
Love thy neighbor… and be sure to carry his dung for him?
But one verse stuck out—
“And every meat offering, mingled with oil, and dry, shall all the sons of Aaron have, one as much as another.”
(Lev. 7:10)
So simple, yet so crucial!
Come on, boys, share with each other.
Up till this point in the Bible we have seen what happens when one sibling gets favored over another—Esav was getting the birthright since he was older, so Jacob tricked their dad, Isaac, and stole it. Not that Jacob learned anything, because he gave his favorite son, Joseph, a coat of many colors (it was FABulous!). And remember way back, when Abraham kicked out his handmaid, Hagar, and their son Ishmael once Rachel gave birth to Isaac. And the Arabs descended from Ishmael, the Jews from Isaac, and everything worked out just fine between them…
Finally, God tells the Israelite priests—“ Hey, play nice.”
Sharing is caring!
My dad used to sing the following song to me as a child:
Let’s talk about Aaron
He’s good at sharin’
If he has two cupcakes
He’ll give you one
I don’t recall ever sharing my cupcakes, but now my dad is a diabetic, so I guess I must have at some point.
.
Thursday, January 21
Underdogs!
.
Preparing for this entry, I did extensive research into the depths of cyberspace (i.e., I typed "Famous Underdogs" into Google).
One message board question/answer went as follows:
Q:
"I always feel I am the underdog in everything, especially when it comes to auditioning for singing, etc.
Right now, I just need some inspiration, and I don't know many underdog success stories. Any little thing will help."
Here is the response:
A:
"Hitler was an underdog. Consider him your inspiration."
Zing!
Oh, internet…
David and Goliath
It’s one of the oldest analogies in the book
(and by “the book” I’m of course referring to Judy Blume’s “Superfudge”).
The little guy vs. the big guy.
Rocky vs. Apollo Creed
300 Spartans vs. the Persian army (Battle of Thermopylae)
Braveheart vs. … underpants
And a personal favorite:
“NEWSIES”
(written by Bob Tzudiker & Noni White)
That wonderful 1992 Disney musical-- where the poor, scrappy, adolescent newsboys from 1900 go on strike against the greedy newspaper tycoon Joseph Pulitzer!
One of the newsies’ leaders introduces himself to a local reporter:
DAVID: My name’s David.
DENTON: ‘David.’ ‘David’ as in ‘David and Goliath?’”
Wow. Brilliant. Subtle as a slingshot to the skull.
Which brings us to …
DAVID and GOLIATH!
The famous showdown, where little, youthful David bested the mighty, terrifying Goliath.
But the way the whole battle begins is interesting.
The Philistines are about to go to war against the Israelites (the people of King Saul), so Goliath proposed a really good idea!
“…Am not I a Philistine, and ye servants to Saul? Choose you a man for you, and let him come down to me. If he be able to fight with me, and to kill me, then will we be your servants: but if I prevail against him, and kill him, then shall ye be our servants, and serve us.
(1Samuel 17: 8-9)
Put all your eggs of war in one basket—instead of millions of soldiers killing each other, let one soldier from each army fight, and whichever man wins, that’s the country that wins.
Instead of playing 90 minutes of a soccer game, give one guy a penalty kick, if he scores, his team wins, game over.
Saves time.
I remembered this method of warfare when I saw the 2004 film “Troy” (with hunky Brad Pitt… he was in the film, I didn’t go WITH him… but a fella can dream!)—
CLASSIC DAVID and GOLIATH movie:
“Hoosiers”
The climax of the film is the State Championship, at the end of the movie (do they win? I'm simply not sure! Could this ragtag group of misfits from a small town in Indiana somehow, some way, defy the odds and pull out a stunning upset and WIN THE GAME ??? ... or was the previous hour and a half just a complete waste of time?)
Before the big game, in the locker room, the team's priest leads the boys in the following prayer--
Preacher Purl:
“And David put his hand in the bag and took out a stone and slung it. And it struck the Philistine on the head and he fell to the ground. Amen.”
Okay, wonderful! But not EXACTLY the whole verse—
From 1Samuel 17:49—
“And David put his hand in his bag, and took thence a stone, and slang it, and smote the Philistine in his forehead, that the stone sunk into his forehead; and he fell upon his face to the earth.”
You'll notice the middle chunk was missing ("the stone sunk into his forhead") because it is, as we theologians say… kinda icky.
"Sunk into his forehead"... Yeah, no let's go play some basketball!
This reminds me of another underdog tale—Moses and the Israelites vs. Pharaoh and the Egyptians.
(Spoiler alert-- The Israelites gained their freedom… hence—Matzah!)
After they cross the Red Sea, the Israelites sing a song to God, which was repeated beautifully in the 1998 animated film “Prince of Egypt.”
Cartoon Moses (voiced by Val Kilmer… first he was Batman and then Moses-- the two greatest heroes in Jewish history!) leads the people to freedom, as we hear the voice of a small child sing,
“A-shirah l’Adonai, kee ga’oh ga’ah…”
Translation: “I will sing unto the LORD, for he hath triumphed gloriously…” (Exodus 15:1)
Yay! Beautiful!
But that’s where it stopped! Why not finish the rest of the verse?
Because here it is—
“… the horse and his rider hath he thrown into the sea.”
Yikes! Kinda dark.
Plus—
“Pharaoh’s chariots and his host hath he cast into the sea… his chosen captains also are drowned... The depths have covered them: they sank into the bottom as a stone…. they sank as lead in the mighty waters.
(vv.4, 5, 10)
Great analogies! But ultimately, not a classy move. Gloating. The biblical equivalent of “In your face!”
Which is one reason why, during the yearly Passover meal (seder), Jews remove ten drops of wine from their cups—
to diminish their joy just a little bit.
Why?
Because, ultimately, we should not ENJOY the suffering and death of others, even those who oppress us.
Of course, Jesus took this one step further:
“But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you…”
(Matthew 5:43-44)
On behalf of everybody—
COME ON!!! Like THAT is gonna happen…
Let’s be realistic.
Let’s first try NOT laughing when our enemies suffer.
No matter how funny it may be.
“Everybody pulls for David, nobody roots for Goliath.”
-- Wilt Chamberlain
(Kinda sad, considering he was 7’1 and, in the NBA during the 1960s, that put him literally head and shoulders above his competitors... HE was Goliath)
And finally--
"When criminals in this world appear,
And break the laws that they should fear,
And frighten all who see or hear,
The cry goes up both far and near for
Underdog,
Underdog..."
-- W. Watts Biggers , Chet Stover, Joe Harris, Treadwell Covington
.
Preparing for this entry, I did extensive research into the depths of cyberspace (i.e., I typed "Famous Underdogs" into Google).
One message board question/answer went as follows:
Q:
"I always feel I am the underdog in everything, especially when it comes to auditioning for singing, etc.
Right now, I just need some inspiration, and I don't know many underdog success stories. Any little thing will help."
Here is the response:
A:
"Hitler was an underdog. Consider him your inspiration."
Zing!
Oh, internet…
David and Goliath
It’s one of the oldest analogies in the book
(and by “the book” I’m of course referring to Judy Blume’s “Superfudge”).
The little guy vs. the big guy.
Rocky vs. Apollo Creed
300 Spartans vs. the Persian army (Battle of Thermopylae)
Braveheart vs. … underpants
And a personal favorite:
“NEWSIES”
(written by Bob Tzudiker & Noni White)
That wonderful 1992 Disney musical-- where the poor, scrappy, adolescent newsboys from 1900 go on strike against the greedy newspaper tycoon Joseph Pulitzer!
One of the newsies’ leaders introduces himself to a local reporter:
DAVID: My name’s David.
DENTON: ‘David.’ ‘David’ as in ‘David and Goliath?’”
Wow. Brilliant. Subtle as a slingshot to the skull.
Which brings us to …
DAVID and GOLIATH!
The famous showdown, where little, youthful David bested the mighty, terrifying Goliath.
But the way the whole battle begins is interesting.
The Philistines are about to go to war against the Israelites (the people of King Saul), so Goliath proposed a really good idea!
“…Am not I a Philistine, and ye servants to Saul? Choose you a man for you, and let him come down to me. If he be able to fight with me, and to kill me, then will we be your servants: but if I prevail against him, and kill him, then shall ye be our servants, and serve us.
(1Samuel 17: 8-9)
Put all your eggs of war in one basket—instead of millions of soldiers killing each other, let one soldier from each army fight, and whichever man wins, that’s the country that wins.
Instead of playing 90 minutes of a soccer game, give one guy a penalty kick, if he scores, his team wins, game over.
Saves time.
I remembered this method of warfare when I saw the 2004 film “Troy” (with hunky Brad Pitt… he was in the film, I didn’t go WITH him… but a fella can dream!)—
CLASSIC DAVID and GOLIATH movie:
“Hoosiers”
The climax of the film is the State Championship, at the end of the movie (do they win? I'm simply not sure! Could this ragtag group of misfits from a small town in Indiana somehow, some way, defy the odds and pull out a stunning upset and WIN THE GAME ??? ... or was the previous hour and a half just a complete waste of time?)
Before the big game, in the locker room, the team's priest leads the boys in the following prayer--
Preacher Purl:
“And David put his hand in the bag and took out a stone and slung it. And it struck the Philistine on the head and he fell to the ground. Amen.”
Okay, wonderful! But not EXACTLY the whole verse—
From 1Samuel 17:49—
“And David put his hand in his bag, and took thence a stone, and slang it, and smote the Philistine in his forehead, that the stone sunk into his forehead; and he fell upon his face to the earth.”
You'll notice the middle chunk was missing ("the stone sunk into his forhead") because it is, as we theologians say… kinda icky.
"Sunk into his forehead"... Yeah, no let's go play some basketball!
This reminds me of another underdog tale—Moses and the Israelites vs. Pharaoh and the Egyptians.
(Spoiler alert-- The Israelites gained their freedom… hence—Matzah!)
After they cross the Red Sea, the Israelites sing a song to God, which was repeated beautifully in the 1998 animated film “Prince of Egypt.”
Cartoon Moses (voiced by Val Kilmer… first he was Batman and then Moses-- the two greatest heroes in Jewish history!) leads the people to freedom, as we hear the voice of a small child sing,
“A-shirah l’Adonai, kee ga’oh ga’ah…”
Translation: “I will sing unto the LORD, for he hath triumphed gloriously…” (Exodus 15:1)
Yay! Beautiful!
But that’s where it stopped! Why not finish the rest of the verse?
Because here it is—
“… the horse and his rider hath he thrown into the sea.”
Yikes! Kinda dark.
Plus—
“Pharaoh’s chariots and his host hath he cast into the sea… his chosen captains also are drowned... The depths have covered them: they sank into the bottom as a stone…. they sank as lead in the mighty waters.
(vv.4, 5, 10)
Great analogies! But ultimately, not a classy move. Gloating. The biblical equivalent of “In your face!”
Which is one reason why, during the yearly Passover meal (seder), Jews remove ten drops of wine from their cups—
to diminish their joy just a little bit.
Why?
Because, ultimately, we should not ENJOY the suffering and death of others, even those who oppress us.
Of course, Jesus took this one step further:
“But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you…”
(Matthew 5:43-44)
On behalf of everybody—
COME ON!!! Like THAT is gonna happen…
Let’s be realistic.
Let’s first try NOT laughing when our enemies suffer.
No matter how funny it may be.
“Everybody pulls for David, nobody roots for Goliath.”
-- Wilt Chamberlain
(Kinda sad, considering he was 7’1 and, in the NBA during the 1960s, that put him literally head and shoulders above his competitors... HE was Goliath)
And finally--
"When criminals in this world appear,
And break the laws that they should fear,
And frighten all who see or hear,
The cry goes up both far and near for
Underdog,
Underdog..."
-- W. Watts Biggers , Chet Stover, Joe Harris, Treadwell Covington
.
Tuesday, January 19
Breakfast, Incest, and Late Night Unrest!
.
"Even the flattest pancake has two sides."
-- my wife
(she says plenty of other things, too... but not about pancakes)
There is more than one way to look at any situation. SO many movies are about that very idea, different interpretations of the same event-- "Rashomon", "Courage Under Fire", "House Party 2" (well, maybe not).
Okay, first example: Lot's daughters!
First of all, you may remember Lot as Abraham's nephew, his wife had sodium problems (i.e., God turned her into a pile of salt, Gen. 19:26).
Well, prepare yourselves for some really weird stuff, right out of daytime soap opera!
(quick summary of Genesis, chapter 19).
You've probably heard of Sodom and Gomorrah, the two cities God destroyed because their inhabitants were so wicked.
Well, that occurred right after 2 angels (in human form) showed up in town and stayed with Lot and his family in Sodom. Then (v.5) the townsfolk knocked on Lot's door and, showing the kind of hospitality only seen in the film "Deliverance", demanded Lot surrender "the men" (angels) that were staying there, so they could...
wait for it...
rape them!
Yup, these folks wanted to rape a couple of angels
(really NOT cool... worse than kicking Jesus in the balls... if there is a sliding scale of theological /celestial "no-no"s).
Lot, being the swell father of the year that he was, offered the townsfolk his two virgin daughters instead (v.8)! Yikes. Not exactly Ward Cleaver, huh?
(... ask your parents).
So God got all "Samuel L. Jackson" on Sodom's ass:
"Then the LORD rained upon Sodom and upon Gomorrah brimstone and fire from the LORD out of heaven" (v.24)
But Lot and his two daughters (remember, his wife is gone, sprinkled on some roasted peanuts) escape--
"and he dwelt in a cave, he and his two daughters" (v.30).
Uh oh....
That's right folks, it's about to get even CREEPIER!
When old Lot is asleep, the two daughters start chatting:
"Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father..." (v. 32)
And guess what!
"... and the firstborn went in, and lay with her father; ... and the younger arose, and lay with him;... Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father." (v. 33-36)
Cue the theme to "Family Ties"...
Yeah, gives new meaning to shouting "Who's your daddy?!" (although that always kinda creeped me out)
But not so fast, Judgey McJudgington (it's a family name)!
Back track to verse 31, when the two daughters are chatting--
"And the firstborn said unto the younger, Our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to come in unto us after the manner of all the earth. Come let us make our father drink wine..."
The two daughters just saw fire and brimstone rain down from the sky, destroy their city, their mom just got turned into a condiment, and they thought "there is not a man in the earth..."-- it's end of the world! They were just trying to perpetuate mankind, to "preserve the seed of [their] father..."
honestly, Officer, I swear I've never seen those harnesses and ball gags before- it's the truth...
Just look at the story from both sides. Put yourself in Lot's daughters' positions... and then take a long shower.
"Even the flattest pancake has two sides"
I have been considering this Subjectivity (and pancakes) because of the recent and most significant event of this young decade:
Conan vs. Leno!
I know, I know, there is serious stuff going on in Haiti
(you can donate at this website: http://www.standwithhaiti.org/haiti )
... but that is depressing!!!
Let's focus on something else:
A couple nights ago, Jimmy Kimmel was a guest on Jay Leno's god-awful 10 PM talk show. When Leno asked “What’s the worst prank you ever pulled?” Kimmel said “I told a guy that ‘Five years from now I’m gonna give you my show,’ and then when the five years came I gave it to him, and then I took it back almost instantly.'”
Essentially, Conan O'brien was promised "The Tonight Show" starting in 2010. Leno retired last year. NBC wanted to have their pancake and eat it, too. So they gave Leno a 10 PM show and Conan got "The Tonight Show" starting this past August.
Unfortunately, both their ratings have sagged... more than... [insert joke about elderly people's naughty parts).
So... NBC is deciding what to do...
Now Leno says he would love to return as host of "The Tonight Show", if he had the opportunity.
The classy move would be -- stay retired, leave Conan alone.
From CNN.com (reporting by Alan Duke, 1/19/10) :
"O'Brien took over as host of "Late Night" in 1993, after David Letterman left to start a show on CBS. NBC, fearing they would lose O'Brien to another network, agreed in 2004 to name him as Leno's replacement five years down the road."
So now Leno sounds pretty awful! After Conan was promised TTS, Leno won't give it up. But wait!
Okay... Now THIS makes Leno sound more like a victim.
(also from CNN.com)
"Leno described that process to his audience Tuesday:
"I'm sitting in my office, an NBC executive comes in and says to me, 'Listen, Conan O'Brien has gotten offers from other networks. We don't want him to go, so we're going to give him 'The Tonight Show.' I said, 'Well, I've been No. 1 for 12 years.' They said, 'We know that, but we don't think you can sustain that.' I said, 'OK. How about until I fall to No. 2, then you fire me?' 'No, we made this decision.' I said, 'That's fine.'"
Hm.
So who should we feel sorry for?
Who's to blame?
NOTHING, I repeat, NOTHING in this world is BLACK and WHITE...
It's all shades of GRAY.
Now, one final breakfast quote, courtesy of the great Homer Simpson--
Homer: [in living room, looking towards heaven] Why do you mock me, O Lord?
Marge: Homer, that's not God. That's just a waffle that Bart tossed up
there.
[Marge scrapes it off into Homer's hands]
Homer: I know I shouldn't eat thee, but -- [bites] Mmm, sacrilicious.
("The Simpsons", Season 5, ep. 16, "Homer Loves Flanders", Written by David Richardson)
.
.
"Even the flattest pancake has two sides."
-- my wife
(she says plenty of other things, too... but not about pancakes)
There is more than one way to look at any situation. SO many movies are about that very idea, different interpretations of the same event-- "Rashomon", "Courage Under Fire", "House Party 2" (well, maybe not).
Okay, first example: Lot's daughters!
First of all, you may remember Lot as Abraham's nephew, his wife had sodium problems (i.e., God turned her into a pile of salt, Gen. 19:26).
Well, prepare yourselves for some really weird stuff, right out of daytime soap opera!
(quick summary of Genesis, chapter 19).
You've probably heard of Sodom and Gomorrah, the two cities God destroyed because their inhabitants were so wicked.
Well, that occurred right after 2 angels (in human form) showed up in town and stayed with Lot and his family in Sodom. Then (v.5) the townsfolk knocked on Lot's door and, showing the kind of hospitality only seen in the film "Deliverance", demanded Lot surrender "the men" (angels) that were staying there, so they could...
wait for it...
rape them!
Yup, these folks wanted to rape a couple of angels
(really NOT cool... worse than kicking Jesus in the balls... if there is a sliding scale of theological /celestial "no-no"s).
Lot, being the swell father of the year that he was, offered the townsfolk his two virgin daughters instead (v.8)! Yikes. Not exactly Ward Cleaver, huh?
(... ask your parents).
So God got all "Samuel L. Jackson" on Sodom's ass:
"Then the LORD rained upon Sodom and upon Gomorrah brimstone and fire from the LORD out of heaven" (v.24)
But Lot and his two daughters (remember, his wife is gone, sprinkled on some roasted peanuts) escape--
"and he dwelt in a cave, he and his two daughters" (v.30).
Uh oh....
That's right folks, it's about to get even CREEPIER!
When old Lot is asleep, the two daughters start chatting:
"Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father..." (v. 32)
And guess what!
"... and the firstborn went in, and lay with her father; ... and the younger arose, and lay with him;... Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father." (v. 33-36)
Cue the theme to "Family Ties"...
Yeah, gives new meaning to shouting "Who's your daddy?!" (although that always kinda creeped me out)
But not so fast, Judgey McJudgington (it's a family name)!
Back track to verse 31, when the two daughters are chatting--
"And the firstborn said unto the younger, Our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to come in unto us after the manner of all the earth. Come let us make our father drink wine..."
The two daughters just saw fire and brimstone rain down from the sky, destroy their city, their mom just got turned into a condiment, and they thought "there is not a man in the earth..."-- it's end of the world! They were just trying to perpetuate mankind, to "preserve the seed of [their] father..."
honestly, Officer, I swear I've never seen those harnesses and ball gags before- it's the truth...
Just look at the story from both sides. Put yourself in Lot's daughters' positions... and then take a long shower.
"Even the flattest pancake has two sides"
I have been considering this Subjectivity (and pancakes) because of the recent and most significant event of this young decade:
Conan vs. Leno!
I know, I know, there is serious stuff going on in Haiti
(you can donate at this website: http://www.standwithhaiti.org/haiti )
... but that is depressing!!!
Let's focus on something else:
A couple nights ago, Jimmy Kimmel was a guest on Jay Leno's god-awful 10 PM talk show. When Leno asked “What’s the worst prank you ever pulled?” Kimmel said “I told a guy that ‘Five years from now I’m gonna give you my show,’ and then when the five years came I gave it to him, and then I took it back almost instantly.'”
Essentially, Conan O'brien was promised "The Tonight Show" starting in 2010. Leno retired last year. NBC wanted to have their pancake and eat it, too. So they gave Leno a 10 PM show and Conan got "The Tonight Show" starting this past August.
Unfortunately, both their ratings have sagged... more than... [insert joke about elderly people's naughty parts).
So... NBC is deciding what to do...
Now Leno says he would love to return as host of "The Tonight Show", if he had the opportunity.
The classy move would be -- stay retired, leave Conan alone.
From CNN.com (reporting by Alan Duke, 1/19/10) :
"O'Brien took over as host of "Late Night" in 1993, after David Letterman left to start a show on CBS. NBC, fearing they would lose O'Brien to another network, agreed in 2004 to name him as Leno's replacement five years down the road."
So now Leno sounds pretty awful! After Conan was promised TTS, Leno won't give it up. But wait!
Okay... Now THIS makes Leno sound more like a victim.
(also from CNN.com)
"Leno described that process to his audience Tuesday:
"I'm sitting in my office, an NBC executive comes in and says to me, 'Listen, Conan O'Brien has gotten offers from other networks. We don't want him to go, so we're going to give him 'The Tonight Show.' I said, 'Well, I've been No. 1 for 12 years.' They said, 'We know that, but we don't think you can sustain that.' I said, 'OK. How about until I fall to No. 2, then you fire me?' 'No, we made this decision.' I said, 'That's fine.'"
Hm.
So who should we feel sorry for?
Who's to blame?
NOTHING, I repeat, NOTHING in this world is BLACK and WHITE...
It's all shades of GRAY.
Now, one final breakfast quote, courtesy of the great Homer Simpson--
Homer: [in living room, looking towards heaven] Why do you mock me, O Lord?
Marge: Homer, that's not God. That's just a waffle that Bart tossed up
there.
[Marge scrapes it off into Homer's hands]
Homer: I know I shouldn't eat thee, but -- [bites] Mmm, sacrilicious.
("The Simpsons", Season 5, ep. 16, "Homer Loves Flanders", Written by David Richardson)
.
.
Monday, January 18
Church and State
.
A few entries ago I mentioned the king from the Book of Esther.
He had some advisers who told him to kick out his wife, Vashti, for disobeying him.
And who, pray tell, were THESE geniuses?
“The king said to the wise men, which new the times, for so was the king’s manner towards all that knew the law...”
-- (Esther 1:13)
Some commentators think that these wise men who “knew the times” were actually…
wait for it…
astrologers!
Yup! The king takes his cues from the goobers who write horoscopes for Parade magazine!
That's ridiculous-- that the king of a nation would follow the advice of soothsaying sorcerers or hocus-pocus prognosticators!
Right?
Well, in sanity’s defense, many commentators believe that the wise men who *knew the times* actually “knew the law and justice as properly applied in that society at that time (though some theorize that it might also have included the practice of Astrology). 1 Chronicles 12:32 is similar (“men that had understanding of the times”) and does not seem to have any reference to Astrology.”
-- (David E. Pratte, gospelway.com, Feb. 21, 2006)
But still—
The bible is FULL of leaders (especially kings) following the advice of prophets. And why not? Many times it was the prophets who hand-picked the kings anyway, as God told them to. Let’s look at the very first king of Israel:
“Now the LORD had told Samuel in his ear a day before Saul came, saying, Tomorrow about this time I will send thee a man… and thou shalt anoint him to be captain over my people Israel… And when Samuel saw Saul, the LORD said unto him, Behold the man whom I spake to thee of!”
-- (I Samuel 9:15-16)
The books Kings I and II and Chronicles I and II are peppered with instances of prophets advising kings in political and military situations.
But before all that-- in the words of Ray Romano— “Deborah!”
The story of the prophetess, Deborah, in 4 short excerpts:
“And Deborah, a prophetess,…the wife of Lapidoth, she judged Israel at that time.”
“And she sent and called Barak… and said unto him, Hath not the LORD God of Israel commanded, saying, Go and draw toward mount Tabor, and take with thee ten thousand men…”
“And Barak said unto her, If thou wilt go with me, then I will go: but if thou wilt not go with me, then I will not go.”
“And Deborah said unto Barak, Up; for this is the day in which the LORD hath delivered Sisera into thine hand…So Barak went down from mount Tabor, and ten thousand men after him.”
-- (Judges 4:1, 6, 8, 14)
Unbelievable! The leader of the Israelite army did whatever Deborah told him!
Yup. Barak listened to a woman!
Now THAT is far-fetched…
Ha! Politics…
Maddening as the grammar may be, it kinda makes sense! If the people believe God is the (to use a Bush-ism) “the decider” to choose whomever God wants as the leader, then naturally a PROPHET should be the right-hand man of said leader!
However, in a democracy….
Well, is it any crazier than having a clergyman serve as a counsel to the President?
What about an evangelical minister speaking during his inauguration?
And over-enunciating the names "Malia" and "Sasha"
Don’t get me wrong, I like Pastor Rick Warren, but the fact that the President even HAS a religious figure give an “inaugural invocation” every 4 years is kind of messed up.
I’m not the first to say so, but what the hell happened to “Separation between Church and State?”
Helloooo?
Our money? “In God we trust?”
Our Pledge of Allegiance—“One nation, under pants,” or whatever…
I know you've probably heard all this before, but it's worth considering again.
Here are some honest opinions from John Oliver, Chief British correspondent to "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart", identifying political differences between England and America:
"When I first got here [U.S.A.], Tony Blair was in power in Britain, who's a devout Catholic. But he would never talk about that, and he would be careful never to be photographed going into a church or be recorded talking about his faith -- people would inherently find that suspicious.
Now Britain is definitely a more secular place than here...
(Here comes the crux of it all)
The idea that you HAVE to have a public faith in God or you are not fit for office is VERY difficult to get used to as someone from Europe."
(from interview on "Fresh Air with Terry Gross," broadcast 1/5/2010)
Every single speech the president (or even presidential nominee) makes MUST end with the words, “God bless you, and God bless the United States of America.”
I realize “God” is a vague term, but I don’t like the idea of our President asking God to bless our country.
“Mr. President, shouldn’t you balance the budget and re-assign our military troops.”
“Why bother? GOD is gonna BLESS America, remember? We’ll be fine, now bring me some Sun Chips!”
.
A few entries ago I mentioned the king from the Book of Esther.
He had some advisers who told him to kick out his wife, Vashti, for disobeying him.
And who, pray tell, were THESE geniuses?
“The king said to the wise men, which new the times, for so was the king’s manner towards all that knew the law...”
-- (Esther 1:13)
Some commentators think that these wise men who “knew the times” were actually…
wait for it…
astrologers!
Yup! The king takes his cues from the goobers who write horoscopes for Parade magazine!
That's ridiculous-- that the king of a nation would follow the advice of soothsaying sorcerers or hocus-pocus prognosticators!
Right?
Well, in sanity’s defense, many commentators believe that the wise men who *knew the times* actually “knew the law and justice as properly applied in that society at that time (though some theorize that it might also have included the practice of Astrology). 1 Chronicles 12:32 is similar (“men that had understanding of the times”) and does not seem to have any reference to Astrology.”
-- (David E. Pratte, gospelway.com, Feb. 21, 2006)
But still—
The bible is FULL of leaders (especially kings) following the advice of prophets. And why not? Many times it was the prophets who hand-picked the kings anyway, as God told them to. Let’s look at the very first king of Israel:
“Now the LORD had told Samuel in his ear a day before Saul came, saying, Tomorrow about this time I will send thee a man… and thou shalt anoint him to be captain over my people Israel… And when Samuel saw Saul, the LORD said unto him, Behold the man whom I spake to thee of!”
-- (I Samuel 9:15-16)
The books Kings I and II and Chronicles I and II are peppered with instances of prophets advising kings in political and military situations.
But before all that-- in the words of Ray Romano— “Deborah!”
The story of the prophetess, Deborah, in 4 short excerpts:
“And Deborah, a prophetess,…the wife of Lapidoth, she judged Israel at that time.”
“And she sent and called Barak… and said unto him, Hath not the LORD God of Israel commanded, saying, Go and draw toward mount Tabor, and take with thee ten thousand men…”
“And Barak said unto her, If thou wilt go with me, then I will go: but if thou wilt not go with me, then I will not go.”
“And Deborah said unto Barak, Up; for this is the day in which the LORD hath delivered Sisera into thine hand…So Barak went down from mount Tabor, and ten thousand men after him.”
-- (Judges 4:1, 6, 8, 14)
Unbelievable! The leader of the Israelite army did whatever Deborah told him!
Yup. Barak listened to a woman!
Now THAT is far-fetched…
Ha! Politics…
Maddening as the grammar may be, it kinda makes sense! If the people believe God is the (to use a Bush-ism) “the decider” to choose whomever God wants as the leader, then naturally a PROPHET should be the right-hand man of said leader!
However, in a democracy….
Well, is it any crazier than having a clergyman serve as a counsel to the President?
What about an evangelical minister speaking during his inauguration?
And over-enunciating the names "Malia" and "Sasha"
Don’t get me wrong, I like Pastor Rick Warren, but the fact that the President even HAS a religious figure give an “inaugural invocation” every 4 years is kind of messed up.
I’m not the first to say so, but what the hell happened to “Separation between Church and State?”
Helloooo?
Our money? “In God we trust?”
Our Pledge of Allegiance—“One nation, under pants,” or whatever…
I know you've probably heard all this before, but it's worth considering again.
Here are some honest opinions from John Oliver, Chief British correspondent to "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart", identifying political differences between England and America:
"When I first got here [U.S.A.], Tony Blair was in power in Britain, who's a devout Catholic. But he would never talk about that, and he would be careful never to be photographed going into a church or be recorded talking about his faith -- people would inherently find that suspicious.
Now Britain is definitely a more secular place than here...
(Here comes the crux of it all)
The idea that you HAVE to have a public faith in God or you are not fit for office is VERY difficult to get used to as someone from Europe."
(from interview on "Fresh Air with Terry Gross," broadcast 1/5/2010)
Every single speech the president (or even presidential nominee) makes MUST end with the words, “God bless you, and God bless the United States of America.”
I realize “God” is a vague term, but I don’t like the idea of our President asking God to bless our country.
“Mr. President, shouldn’t you balance the budget and re-assign our military troops.”
“Why bother? GOD is gonna BLESS America, remember? We’ll be fine, now bring me some Sun Chips!”
.
Sunday, January 17
"Come on, people now/ Smile on your brother..."
.
“And the Lord said unto Cain, Where is Abel thy brother? And he said, I know not; Am I my brother’s keeper?”
-- Gen. 4:9
“It is no exaggeration to claim that the rest of the Bible is a resoundingly affirmative response to Cain’s query.”
-- Rabbi Joseph Telushkin, “Jewish Wisdom,” p.45
I have been taught that God only asks questions in order to hear the answer. What I mean is, God KNOWS the answer to everything and simply wants to see if the person being asked will tell the truth.
Like a parent asking a child if they broke a vase.
Or when a cop asks you, “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
I was discussing this passage with my wife yesterday and she enthusiastically added, “It’s like Bruce Willis in ‘Pulp Fiction!’”
“Huh?” I responded.
“Y’know, when he’s tied up in the basement, along with Marcel Marceau--
“You mean Marcellus Wallace?”
”Righ, when the two of them are captured and Bruce Willis escapes, and is about to leave-- but goes back down to save him. He’s being his brother’s keeper.”
And I fell in love with her all over again.
Because my wife connected the book of Genesis with male rape. What a woman!
But that’s what it means to be your brother’s keeper— consider other people’s feelings, help them if they need it, use a samurai sword to save them from Zed's butt-plundering.
In 1994, Gene Siskel and Samuel L. Jackson discussed “Pulp Fiction”:
Siskel: I recently asked Samuel L. Jackson about the most common negative reactions to the ‘Pulp Fiction’…[Some people say] It has no moral center.
Jackson: The story is totally about redemption. Everyone in the script whose life is spared is given another chance to do something WITH their lives.”
So… God, Samuel L. Jackson and my wife—they all think alike.
And all three of them can scare the hell out of me.
.
“And the Lord said unto Cain, Where is Abel thy brother? And he said, I know not; Am I my brother’s keeper?”
-- Gen. 4:9
“It is no exaggeration to claim that the rest of the Bible is a resoundingly affirmative response to Cain’s query.”
-- Rabbi Joseph Telushkin, “Jewish Wisdom,” p.45
I have been taught that God only asks questions in order to hear the answer. What I mean is, God KNOWS the answer to everything and simply wants to see if the person being asked will tell the truth.
Like a parent asking a child if they broke a vase.
Or when a cop asks you, “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
I was discussing this passage with my wife yesterday and she enthusiastically added, “It’s like Bruce Willis in ‘Pulp Fiction!’”
“Huh?” I responded.
“Y’know, when he’s tied up in the basement, along with Marcel Marceau--
“You mean Marcellus Wallace?”
”Righ, when the two of them are captured and Bruce Willis escapes, and is about to leave-- but goes back down to save him. He’s being his brother’s keeper.”
And I fell in love with her all over again.
Because my wife connected the book of Genesis with male rape. What a woman!
But that’s what it means to be your brother’s keeper— consider other people’s feelings, help them if they need it, use a samurai sword to save them from Zed's butt-plundering.
In 1994, Gene Siskel and Samuel L. Jackson discussed “Pulp Fiction”:
Siskel: I recently asked Samuel L. Jackson about the most common negative reactions to the ‘Pulp Fiction’…[Some people say] It has no moral center.
Jackson: The story is totally about redemption. Everyone in the script whose life is spared is given another chance to do something WITH their lives.”
So… God, Samuel L. Jackson and my wife—they all think alike.
And all three of them can scare the hell out of me.
.
Wednesday, January 13
Hoosiers! Hoosiers! Hoosiers!
.
"... Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."
-- Joshua 1:9
I was just watching one of the greatest sports movies of all-time, "Hoosiers," starring Gene Hackman and Dennis Hopper (the writers and visitors of the website ESPN.com rank it #1 on their respective sports films lists).
It's your typical Cinderella Story, as we follow the tiny high school basketball team from the tiny town in Indiana, as they make their to the state championship.
Before the first game of the season, as the team gathers in the locker room, the town's priest says the following:
" 'Be strong and of good courage for the lord is with thee and whither soever thou goest.' Lord, bless these boys and the season before them. Amen."
Okay, we've all seen this before, either in a film or in real life-- praying for a sports team. I've been guilty of it, too. And I use the word "guilty" on purpose! I really believe that praying to win a sporting contest is, as the French say, horse shit!
Wasting God's time with a silly little game??? And YES, compared to real problems in the world (Disease, Starvation, War, etc.,), Sports... are... silly.
That being said-- dear God, strike down the New York Yankees with a plague of some kind! Boils! Rickets! Swimmer's ear! Whatever you got!
(ahem)
Now, wait a sec-- a few entries earlier I mentioned that people in mourning recite the Mourner's Kaddish to help them through the grieveing process. And especially if you're agnostic/atheist, you can agree that the prayer is for the benefit of the person reciting it, rather than the deity to whom it's directed. In THAT case... I understand the prayer in the locker room. If people think God is on their side, then it might help motivate them to succeed, play harder.
(Or maybe it would make them less competitive, it could turn them complacent-- "Oh, God will help us win it, relax, no need to play hard" ... Of course that is a danger with prayer of any sort-- "Why bother trying to find a cure for cancer? I already PRAYED for one! Let's go grab a beer! Also, some cookies!")
And doesn't that instill a messed up value system in people's minds? Especially impressionable kids, playing junior/high school sports?
So the kid is praying that his team wins the game and that his grandpa's hip gets better before the gangrene sets in... both are worthy of God's time and attention. Right?
"Athletes-- let me tell you, Jesus doesn't care who wins the game, so stop thanking him. I never hear anybody BLAME Jesus when they lose.
'F**kin' Jesus! I had the ball, right there... and I dropped it-- Oh that Jesus! The other team out-prayed us at half-time! That's what happened. You gotta pray harder than the other guy in this league!' "
-- Bill Maher, in his 2004 HBO stand-up special “Be More Cynical”
And before his son squares off against Ned Flanders' son in a one-on-one mini-golf contest, the great Homer Simpson says the following:
[Sees Ned and his family praying]
"Hey Flanders, it's no use praying. I already did the same thing, and
we can't *both* win."
-- Homer, ``Dead Putting Society''
Written by Jeff Martin (season 2, episode 6)
Of course Ned Flanders corrects Homer's assumptions, telling him that they were simply praying "that no one got hurt."
A-ha! I remember doing this myself, in 6th grade, before playing recess football... "Dear God, let everyone be safe and not injured." Yup. So I'm as cool as Ned Flanders! ... oh dear God, help me!
And finally, some words of wisdom from the great Jimmy Dugan (a.k.a., Tom Hanks):
"Uh, Lord, hallowed be Thy name. May our feet be swift; may our bats be mighty; may our balls... be plentiful.
And Lord... I'd just like to thank You for that waitress in South Bend. You know who she is - she kept calling Your name. And God... these are good girls, and they work hard. Just help them see it all the way through. Okay, that's it."
-- "A League of Their Own", screenplay by Lowell Ganz and Babaloo Mandel
.
"... Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."
-- Joshua 1:9
I was just watching one of the greatest sports movies of all-time, "Hoosiers," starring Gene Hackman and Dennis Hopper (the writers and visitors of the website ESPN.com rank it #1 on their respective sports films lists).
It's your typical Cinderella Story, as we follow the tiny high school basketball team from the tiny town in Indiana, as they make their to the state championship.
Before the first game of the season, as the team gathers in the locker room, the town's priest says the following:
" 'Be strong and of good courage for the lord is with thee and whither soever thou goest.' Lord, bless these boys and the season before them. Amen."
Okay, we've all seen this before, either in a film or in real life-- praying for a sports team. I've been guilty of it, too. And I use the word "guilty" on purpose! I really believe that praying to win a sporting contest is, as the French say, horse shit!
Wasting God's time with a silly little game??? And YES, compared to real problems in the world (Disease, Starvation, War, etc.,), Sports... are... silly.
That being said-- dear God, strike down the New York Yankees with a plague of some kind! Boils! Rickets! Swimmer's ear! Whatever you got!
(ahem)
Now, wait a sec-- a few entries earlier I mentioned that people in mourning recite the Mourner's Kaddish to help them through the grieveing process. And especially if you're agnostic/atheist, you can agree that the prayer is for the benefit of the person reciting it, rather than the deity to whom it's directed. In THAT case... I understand the prayer in the locker room. If people think God is on their side, then it might help motivate them to succeed, play harder.
(Or maybe it would make them less competitive, it could turn them complacent-- "Oh, God will help us win it, relax, no need to play hard" ... Of course that is a danger with prayer of any sort-- "Why bother trying to find a cure for cancer? I already PRAYED for one! Let's go grab a beer! Also, some cookies!")
And doesn't that instill a messed up value system in people's minds? Especially impressionable kids, playing junior/high school sports?
So the kid is praying that his team wins the game and that his grandpa's hip gets better before the gangrene sets in... both are worthy of God's time and attention. Right?
"Athletes-- let me tell you, Jesus doesn't care who wins the game, so stop thanking him. I never hear anybody BLAME Jesus when they lose.
'F**kin' Jesus! I had the ball, right there... and I dropped it-- Oh that Jesus! The other team out-prayed us at half-time! That's what happened. You gotta pray harder than the other guy in this league!' "
-- Bill Maher, in his 2004 HBO stand-up special “Be More Cynical”
And before his son squares off against Ned Flanders' son in a one-on-one mini-golf contest, the great Homer Simpson says the following:
[Sees Ned and his family praying]
"Hey Flanders, it's no use praying. I already did the same thing, and
we can't *both* win."
-- Homer, ``Dead Putting Society''
Written by Jeff Martin (season 2, episode 6)
Of course Ned Flanders corrects Homer's assumptions, telling him that they were simply praying "that no one got hurt."
A-ha! I remember doing this myself, in 6th grade, before playing recess football... "Dear God, let everyone be safe and not injured." Yup. So I'm as cool as Ned Flanders! ... oh dear God, help me!
And finally, some words of wisdom from the great Jimmy Dugan (a.k.a., Tom Hanks):
"Uh, Lord, hallowed be Thy name. May our feet be swift; may our bats be mighty; may our balls... be plentiful.
And Lord... I'd just like to thank You for that waitress in South Bend. You know who she is - she kept calling Your name. And God... these are good girls, and they work hard. Just help them see it all the way through. Okay, that's it."
-- "A League of Their Own", screenplay by Lowell Ganz and Babaloo Mandel
.
No more pencils, no more books...
.
The West Wing and Hebrew School
.
EDUCATION
“Teach… your children well”
-- The Grateful Dead
Teaching our kids—
A priority for us all, hopefully.
It’s certainly been a priority among Jews.
It turned into a stereotype—the Jew with the glasses, the bookworm, the smart kid. Doctor, lawyer, professions that require a lot of studying.
Why?
And since when?
How long have the Jews prioritized education?
Well, for a while.
Even before NBC ran their “The More You Know” campaign.
“Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God is one LORD…
“And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children”
(Deuteronomy 6:4,7)
“And ye shall teach them your children…”
(Deut. 11:19)
Teaching is key.
In the Hebrew version of verse 7, the word used for “teach them diligently” can be translated to mean “impress upon them.” A teacher taught me that children are like clay, and you shape their minds and ideas the way you give shape to a Play-doh.
Or, as Gilbert and Sullivan put it—“You’ve got to be taught to hate and fear” (from the musical “South Pacific”)
So, Jews teach their kids…
Now, the preceding verses appear in the Sh’mah prayer, which I mentioned in my last entry. This prayer is said every morning and evening by observant Jews and is known (at least partially) to most Jews who have ever attended synagogue once in a while or a little bit of Hebrew School.
Which brings me to my Celebrity Moment of Nakhas!
(Nakhas means pride)
May 26, 2009-- Kevin Pollack's Chat Show: a weekly internet talk show, where the host has a two hour conversation with an artist/Hollywood persona.
Kevin Pollack is best known for supporting roles in "The Usual Suspects" and "A Few Good Men," and for his marvelous impressions of Christopher Walken and William Shatner.
He is fond of saying, "I was raised so Reform that I was practically Catholic."
ha ha... (eye roll).
Unfortunately, this is the predominant attitude of most Jews in America-- They're Jewish in as much as they eat bagels and enjoy "Seinfeld" reruns.
That’s the way it is.
Then we hear from the guest-- Josh Malina, the well-articulated, nebishy actor from Aaron Sorkin's "Sports Night" and, more famously, "The West Wing," where his character, Will Bailey, eventually replaced Sam Seaborn (Rob Lowe) in the 4th season.
Although raised as a Conservative Jew, he attended an Orthodox yeshiva growing up,
Westchester Day School in Mamaroneck, New York.
(Cool Coincidence-- Josh's first major role was as an understudy in Sorkin's stage version of "A Few Good Men").
He makes me proud!
"My recollection, even back to first grade... is that Ethics was a big part of what I got at school. Ethics, living a moral life--
I knew on Friday mornings you had to bring a little bit of money for tzedakah, charity, you put a little money in the pushke-- the little box, and say, 'mitzvah g'dolah la-tet tzedakah'-- 'it's an important mitzvah, commandment, to give charity.'
At the age of six... and that always sat well with me."
Yay! Three cheers for Day School! I, myself went to a Jewish day school, then high school, then college at JTS-Columbia. So, from the age of 5 until 22, half my studies were Secular (Math, Science, English, etc.) and half were Jewish studies.
Or, as Josh Malina puts it:
"A lot of people have the 'God, I hated Hebrew School' thing.
(Kevin Pollack interjects: "Well, that is a whole other beast")
Well that's true... this was hard-core Hebrew School-- half day English, half day Hebrew, Torah and Jewish Studies.
I loved it."
Yay!
And he has two kids that he is raising in a Reconstructionist Jewish household.
And he's been on the TV box, where I watch my stories!
Hooray for Jews!
.
The West Wing and Hebrew School
.
EDUCATION
“Teach… your children well”
-- The Grateful Dead
Teaching our kids—
A priority for us all, hopefully.
It’s certainly been a priority among Jews.
It turned into a stereotype—the Jew with the glasses, the bookworm, the smart kid. Doctor, lawyer, professions that require a lot of studying.
Why?
And since when?
How long have the Jews prioritized education?
Well, for a while.
Even before NBC ran their “The More You Know” campaign.
“Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God is one LORD…
“And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children”
(Deuteronomy 6:4,7)
“And ye shall teach them your children…”
(Deut. 11:19)
Teaching is key.
In the Hebrew version of verse 7, the word used for “teach them diligently” can be translated to mean “impress upon them.” A teacher taught me that children are like clay, and you shape their minds and ideas the way you give shape to a Play-doh.
Or, as Gilbert and Sullivan put it—“You’ve got to be taught to hate and fear” (from the musical “South Pacific”)
So, Jews teach their kids…
Now, the preceding verses appear in the Sh’mah prayer, which I mentioned in my last entry. This prayer is said every morning and evening by observant Jews and is known (at least partially) to most Jews who have ever attended synagogue once in a while or a little bit of Hebrew School.
Which brings me to my Celebrity Moment of Nakhas!
(Nakhas means pride)
May 26, 2009-- Kevin Pollack's Chat Show: a weekly internet talk show, where the host has a two hour conversation with an artist/Hollywood persona.
Kevin Pollack is best known for supporting roles in "The Usual Suspects" and "A Few Good Men," and for his marvelous impressions of Christopher Walken and William Shatner.
He is fond of saying, "I was raised so Reform that I was practically Catholic."
ha ha... (eye roll).
Unfortunately, this is the predominant attitude of most Jews in America-- They're Jewish in as much as they eat bagels and enjoy "Seinfeld" reruns.
That’s the way it is.
Then we hear from the guest-- Josh Malina, the well-articulated, nebishy actor from Aaron Sorkin's "Sports Night" and, more famously, "The West Wing," where his character, Will Bailey, eventually replaced Sam Seaborn (Rob Lowe) in the 4th season.
Although raised as a Conservative Jew, he attended an Orthodox yeshiva growing up,
Westchester Day School in Mamaroneck, New York.
(Cool Coincidence-- Josh's first major role was as an understudy in Sorkin's stage version of "A Few Good Men").
He makes me proud!
"My recollection, even back to first grade... is that Ethics was a big part of what I got at school. Ethics, living a moral life--
I knew on Friday mornings you had to bring a little bit of money for tzedakah, charity, you put a little money in the pushke-- the little box, and say, 'mitzvah g'dolah la-tet tzedakah'-- 'it's an important mitzvah, commandment, to give charity.'
At the age of six... and that always sat well with me."
Yay! Three cheers for Day School! I, myself went to a Jewish day school, then high school, then college at JTS-Columbia. So, from the age of 5 until 22, half my studies were Secular (Math, Science, English, etc.) and half were Jewish studies.
Or, as Josh Malina puts it:
"A lot of people have the 'God, I hated Hebrew School' thing.
(Kevin Pollack interjects: "Well, that is a whole other beast")
Well that's true... this was hard-core Hebrew School-- half day English, half day Hebrew, Torah and Jewish Studies.
I loved it."
Yay!
And he has two kids that he is raising in a Reconstructionist Jewish household.
And he's been on the TV box, where I watch my stories!
Hooray for Jews!
.
Tuesday, January 12
The Religious Right... Hand Man
.
A few entries ago I mentioned the king in the Purim Story, from the Book of Esther.
He had some advisers who told him to kick out his wife, Vashti, for disobeying him.
And who, pray tell, are THESE geniuses?
“The king said to the wise men, which new the times, for so was the king’s manner towards all that knew the law...”
I am reading the King James Version Study Bible, published by Zondervan (edited by Ken Barker). This bible's commentators agree that these wise men “which new the times” refer to…
wait for it…
astrologers!
Yup! The king takes his cues from the goobers who write horoscopes for Parade magazine!
That's ridiculous-- that the king of a nation would follow the advice of soothsaying sorcerers or hocus-pocus prognosticators!
Right?
Well, is it any crazier than having a clergyman serve as a counsel to the President?
What about an evangelical minister speaking during his inauguration?
And over-enunciating the names "Malia" and "Sasha"
Don’t get me wrong, I like Pastor Rick Warren, but the fact that the President even HAS a religious figure give an “inaugural invocation” every 4 years is kind of messed up.
I’m not the first to say so, but what the hell happened to “Separation between Church and State?”
Helloooo?
Our money? “In God we trust?”
Our Pledge of Allegiance—“One nation, under pants,” or whatever…
Nothing new, but worth considering again.
Here are some honest opinions from John Oliver, Chief British correspondent to "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart", identifying political differences between England and America:
"When I first got here [U.S.A.], Tony Blair was in power in Britain, who's a devout Catholic. But he would never talk about that, and he would be careful never to be photographed going into a church or be recorded talking about his faith -- people would inherently find that suspicious.
Now Britain is definitely a more secular place than here...
(Here comes the crux of it all)
The idea that you HAVE to have a public faith in God or you are not fit for office is VERY difficult to get used to as someone from Europe."
(from interview on "Fresh Air with Terry Gross," broadcast 1/5/2010)
Every single speech the president (or even presidential nominee) makes MUST end with the words, “God bless you, and God bless the United States of America.”
I realize “God” is a vague term, but I don’t like the idea of our President asking God to bless our country.
“Mr. President, shouldn’t you balance the budget and re-assign our military troops.”
“Why bother? God is gonna BLESS America, remember? We’ll be fine, now get me another diet Coke! Jesus!”
.
A few entries ago I mentioned the king in the Purim Story, from the Book of Esther.
He had some advisers who told him to kick out his wife, Vashti, for disobeying him.
And who, pray tell, are THESE geniuses?
“The king said to the wise men, which new the times, for so was the king’s manner towards all that knew the law...”
I am reading the King James Version Study Bible, published by Zondervan (edited by Ken Barker). This bible's commentators agree that these wise men “which new the times” refer to…
wait for it…
astrologers!
Yup! The king takes his cues from the goobers who write horoscopes for Parade magazine!
That's ridiculous-- that the king of a nation would follow the advice of soothsaying sorcerers or hocus-pocus prognosticators!
Right?
Well, is it any crazier than having a clergyman serve as a counsel to the President?
What about an evangelical minister speaking during his inauguration?
And over-enunciating the names "Malia" and "Sasha"
Don’t get me wrong, I like Pastor Rick Warren, but the fact that the President even HAS a religious figure give an “inaugural invocation” every 4 years is kind of messed up.
I’m not the first to say so, but what the hell happened to “Separation between Church and State?”
Helloooo?
Our money? “In God we trust?”
Our Pledge of Allegiance—“One nation, under pants,” or whatever…
Nothing new, but worth considering again.
Here are some honest opinions from John Oliver, Chief British correspondent to "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart", identifying political differences between England and America:
"When I first got here [U.S.A.], Tony Blair was in power in Britain, who's a devout Catholic. But he would never talk about that, and he would be careful never to be photographed going into a church or be recorded talking about his faith -- people would inherently find that suspicious.
Now Britain is definitely a more secular place than here...
(Here comes the crux of it all)
The idea that you HAVE to have a public faith in God or you are not fit for office is VERY difficult to get used to as someone from Europe."
(from interview on "Fresh Air with Terry Gross," broadcast 1/5/2010)
Every single speech the president (or even presidential nominee) makes MUST end with the words, “God bless you, and God bless the United States of America.”
I realize “God” is a vague term, but I don’t like the idea of our President asking God to bless our country.
“Mr. President, shouldn’t you balance the budget and re-assign our military troops.”
“Why bother? God is gonna BLESS America, remember? We’ll be fine, now get me another diet Coke! Jesus!”
.
"Stand by your man"
I started reading the Book of Esther today. The titular lady (behave yourselves) proves to be the hero of the story. Hurray for women’s rights! Especially in Persia… which today is Iran!
However, the king marries Esther because his previous wife won’t listen to him.
“On the seventh day, when the heart of the king was merry with wine, he commanded… the seven chamberlains… to bring Vashti the queen… to show the people and the princes her beauty, for she was fair to look on” -- (Esther 1:10-11)
Nothing wrong with that—the Ancient Persian equivalent of “drunk dialing.”
But the plot thickens… like some oatmeal of matrimonial discontent!
— “But the queen Vashti refused to come at the king’s commandment by his chamberlains: therefore was the king very wroth, and his anger burned in him.” -- (Esther 1:12)
Okay, no big deal. So the king dumps Vashti and holds a beauty pageant and marries Esther.
Not so fast, Skimming Sammy!
The king’s advisers, especially one named Memucan, tell him that if word gets around how the king’s wife disobeyed him, “this deed of the queen shall come abroad unto all women, so that they shall despise their husbands… thus shall there arise too much contempt and wrath” -- (1:17-18)
Are you serious?!
We interrupt this Holy Babble Entry for a special news bulletin from anchorman Kent Brockman of “The Simpsons,” from the episode titled “Marge on the Lam”:
“We've just received word of a high-speed desert chase. The suspects have been identified as Ruth Powers and Marge Simpson of Springfield.
“At the risk of editorializing… these women are guilty, and must be dealt
with in a harsh and brutal fashion. Otherwise, their behavior could
incite other women leading to anarchy of biblical proportions. [Pause, then screaming] It's in ‘Revelations’, people!”
(Suddenly Brockman is cut off, and a still shot of Brockman with the
words, "Technical Difficulties, Please Stand By", appears on the screen)
(written by Bill Canterbury)
Thank you.
So is THAT what worried the king? Really? Were the women of 5th century Iran about to cast off the shackles of male oppression, rip off their aprons and go on strike? Have you seen Iran TODAY? I still don’t think that’s going to happen.
But the king listens to his advisor, Memucan, and sends letters to “every province… that every man should bear rule in his own house, and that it should be published according to the language of every people” (1:22). This was so crucial that the king didn’t take any chances—he had the letters translated into every language of every nation in his jurisdiction!
Phew! Thank goodness. That Vashti could’ve turned the empire upside-down! Apparently this was a few years before “No” meant “No.”
Movie Interlude:
Billy Crystal/psychiatrist: “You don't hear the word ‘no’ a lot, do you?”
Robert DeNiro/mob boss: “I hear it all the time, only it's more like (begging) ‘no, please, no!’"
-- “Analyze This” (written by Peter Tolan, Harold Ramis, Ken Lonergan)
The king’s advisers tell him what to do! And who, pray tell, are THESE geniuses?
“The king said to the wise men, which new the times, for so was the king’s manner towards all that knew the law...”
The commentators agree that these wise men “which new the times” refer to… wait for it… astrologers!
Yup! The king takes his cues from the goobers who write horoscopes for Parade magazine!
“Today you will take a risk, and dare to be different, but stay true to yourself… also, suppress independent thought amongst all females!”
We’ve all been there.
And to top it all off, the chief “wise man”, Memucan, translates into Hebrew to mean… wait for it… “blemish”! Or “boil”!
Zing!
So I think we’re SUPPOSED to ridicule these morons.
One thing I DO agree with—in the letter, the king says, “all wives shall give to their husbands honor, both to great and small.” (1:21)
Yes!
The king demands impartiality— no favoritism. Every husband deserves respect, whether he be a mighty king, or miserable peon—each man should be honored, no matter how small a man he is.
Size doesn’t matter.
It’s how you use it… to oppress women!
.
However, the king marries Esther because his previous wife won’t listen to him.
“On the seventh day, when the heart of the king was merry with wine, he commanded… the seven chamberlains… to bring Vashti the queen… to show the people and the princes her beauty, for she was fair to look on” -- (Esther 1:10-11)
Nothing wrong with that—the Ancient Persian equivalent of “drunk dialing.”
But the plot thickens… like some oatmeal of matrimonial discontent!
— “But the queen Vashti refused to come at the king’s commandment by his chamberlains: therefore was the king very wroth, and his anger burned in him.” -- (Esther 1:12)
Okay, no big deal. So the king dumps Vashti and holds a beauty pageant and marries Esther.
Not so fast, Skimming Sammy!
The king’s advisers, especially one named Memucan, tell him that if word gets around how the king’s wife disobeyed him, “this deed of the queen shall come abroad unto all women, so that they shall despise their husbands… thus shall there arise too much contempt and wrath” -- (1:17-18)
Are you serious?!
We interrupt this Holy Babble Entry for a special news bulletin from anchorman Kent Brockman of “The Simpsons,” from the episode titled “Marge on the Lam”:
“We've just received word of a high-speed desert chase. The suspects have been identified as Ruth Powers and Marge Simpson of Springfield.
“At the risk of editorializing… these women are guilty, and must be dealt
with in a harsh and brutal fashion. Otherwise, their behavior could
incite other women leading to anarchy of biblical proportions. [Pause, then screaming] It's in ‘Revelations’, people!”
(Suddenly Brockman is cut off, and a still shot of Brockman with the
words, "Technical Difficulties, Please Stand By", appears on the screen)
(written by Bill Canterbury)
Thank you.
So is THAT what worried the king? Really? Were the women of 5th century Iran about to cast off the shackles of male oppression, rip off their aprons and go on strike? Have you seen Iran TODAY? I still don’t think that’s going to happen.
But the king listens to his advisor, Memucan, and sends letters to “every province… that every man should bear rule in his own house, and that it should be published according to the language of every people” (1:22). This was so crucial that the king didn’t take any chances—he had the letters translated into every language of every nation in his jurisdiction!
Phew! Thank goodness. That Vashti could’ve turned the empire upside-down! Apparently this was a few years before “No” meant “No.”
Movie Interlude:
Billy Crystal/psychiatrist: “You don't hear the word ‘no’ a lot, do you?”
Robert DeNiro/mob boss: “I hear it all the time, only it's more like (begging) ‘no, please, no!’"
-- “Analyze This” (written by Peter Tolan, Harold Ramis, Ken Lonergan)
The king’s advisers tell him what to do! And who, pray tell, are THESE geniuses?
“The king said to the wise men, which new the times, for so was the king’s manner towards all that knew the law...”
The commentators agree that these wise men “which new the times” refer to… wait for it… astrologers!
Yup! The king takes his cues from the goobers who write horoscopes for Parade magazine!
“Today you will take a risk, and dare to be different, but stay true to yourself… also, suppress independent thought amongst all females!”
We’ve all been there.
And to top it all off, the chief “wise man”, Memucan, translates into Hebrew to mean… wait for it… “blemish”! Or “boil”!
Zing!
So I think we’re SUPPOSED to ridicule these morons.
One thing I DO agree with—in the letter, the king says, “all wives shall give to their husbands honor, both to great and small.” (1:21)
Yes!
The king demands impartiality— no favoritism. Every husband deserves respect, whether he be a mighty king, or miserable peon—each man should be honored, no matter how small a man he is.
Size doesn’t matter.
It’s how you use it… to oppress women!
.
Thursday, January 7
Avatar
.
I just saw the James Cameron 3D film, "Avatar."
It was, for sure, one of the top three most entertaining films featuring blue humanoids (also, "Aladdin" and "Watchmen").
The film was a little subtle, but I THINK it may have been an allegorical interpretation of the Native Americans' slaughter at the hands of the European settlers in the United States, with a little bit of "oil-drilling in the Mid East" thrown in, and a criticism of humans' for destroying their natural resources, e.g., the rainforests.
Naah, I'm probably just reading into it. This was just another run-of-the-mill blue cat/people vs. mean ol' army people movie.
"Titanic" was about a big boat. So this couldn't help but be a little more layered.
I saw the film with a dozen rabbinical students, including my wife.
They all LOVED it. Not surprising, since Judaism and the film both emphasize ecology and nature!
And rabbis love blue cat/people-related forms of entertainment. Clearly.
Remember the first crucial plants in the Garden of Eden? The trees of knowledge and good and evil (Gen. 2:17)
"When thou shalt besiege a city a long time, in making war against it to take it, thou shalt not destroy the trees thereof by forcing an axe against them: for thou mayest eat of them, and thou shalt not cut them down (for the tree of the field is man's life) to employ them in the siege."
-- (Deut. 20:19)
This just makes sense.
"The earth is the LORD's, and the fullness thereof; the world, and they that dwell therein."
-- (Psalm 24:1)
In "Avatar" the Na'vi, the blue, cat/people who are natives of the fictional planet "Pandora," value their planet, literally connect with the ground and plants.
At one point, female native to Pandora leads the film's protagonist to a place of prayer, the "tree of voices," where they bond with the tree.
The climactic battle of the film takes place at the Tree of Souls, the most sacred place to the Na'vi that has the power to restore life to sick creatures. If the tree is destroyed, the Na'vi would be pretty much wiped out-- losing their connection with the planet and their ancestors. They believe the flora and fauna of the planet communicate with them, that the plants lives just as much as they do.
Rabbi Avraham Kook, First Chief Rabbi of Israel (and a vegetarian) taught that "everything that grows says something, every stone whispers some secret, all creation sings."
-- Aryeh Levin, Lahai Roi, as cited in Joseph Telushkin's "Jewish Wisdom"
"She is a tree of life to them that lay hold upon her: and happy is every one that retaineth her."
--(Proverbs 3:18; and used to describe the Torah, recited at the end of Saturday morning Torah reading services in synagogues)
"Science is unable to keep up with our industrial society. We are destroying species faster than we can classify them. We are destroying the food chain faster than we can understand it.
-- Writer, director James Cameron, in UK newspaper "The Sun" (Dec. 11,2009)
I just saw the James Cameron 3D film, "Avatar."
It was, for sure, one of the top three most entertaining films featuring blue humanoids (also, "Aladdin" and "Watchmen").
The film was a little subtle, but I THINK it may have been an allegorical interpretation of the Native Americans' slaughter at the hands of the European settlers in the United States, with a little bit of "oil-drilling in the Mid East" thrown in, and a criticism of humans' for destroying their natural resources, e.g., the rainforests.
Naah, I'm probably just reading into it. This was just another run-of-the-mill blue cat/people vs. mean ol' army people movie.
"Titanic" was about a big boat. So this couldn't help but be a little more layered.
I saw the film with a dozen rabbinical students, including my wife.
They all LOVED it. Not surprising, since Judaism and the film both emphasize ecology and nature!
And rabbis love blue cat/people-related forms of entertainment. Clearly.
Remember the first crucial plants in the Garden of Eden? The trees of knowledge and good and evil (Gen. 2:17)
"When thou shalt besiege a city a long time, in making war against it to take it, thou shalt not destroy the trees thereof by forcing an axe against them: for thou mayest eat of them, and thou shalt not cut them down (for the tree of the field is man's life) to employ them in the siege."
-- (Deut. 20:19)
This just makes sense.
"The earth is the LORD's, and the fullness thereof; the world, and they that dwell therein."
-- (Psalm 24:1)
In "Avatar" the Na'vi, the blue, cat/people who are natives of the fictional planet "Pandora," value their planet, literally connect with the ground and plants.
At one point, female native to Pandora leads the film's protagonist to a place of prayer, the "tree of voices," where they bond with the tree.
The climactic battle of the film takes place at the Tree of Souls, the most sacred place to the Na'vi that has the power to restore life to sick creatures. If the tree is destroyed, the Na'vi would be pretty much wiped out-- losing their connection with the planet and their ancestors. They believe the flora and fauna of the planet communicate with them, that the plants lives just as much as they do.
Rabbi Avraham Kook, First Chief Rabbi of Israel (and a vegetarian) taught that "everything that grows says something, every stone whispers some secret, all creation sings."
-- Aryeh Levin, Lahai Roi, as cited in Joseph Telushkin's "Jewish Wisdom"
"She is a tree of life to them that lay hold upon her: and happy is every one that retaineth her."
--(Proverbs 3:18; and used to describe the Torah, recited at the end of Saturday morning Torah reading services in synagogues)
"Science is unable to keep up with our industrial society. We are destroying species faster than we can classify them. We are destroying the food chain faster than we can understand it.
-- Writer, director James Cameron, in UK newspaper "The Sun" (Dec. 11,2009)
Wednesday, January 6
"What if God was one of us..." -- Joan Osborne
.
“Religion… the people that get in-between, the bureaucracy!
First of all, you can’t talk directly to God-- That is bad.
You have to go to a priest... then he tells Jesus... and Mary got in there-- it’s like the DMV!”
-- Bill Maher
“And the Lord said unto Moses, Write thou these words… And he was there with the Lord forty days and forty night; he did neither eat bread nor drink water. And he wrote upon the tables the words of the covenant, the ten commandments.”
-- Exodus 34:27
BAM!
EVEN if you believe that the events of the Bible actually happened…
The text clearly states that Moses wrote it down.
And I love Moses! I’m a big fan of Moses, especially of his early stuff (“Let my people go” of course, his big hit)
But as great as Moses was… he was human. And humans make mistakes. Heck, Moses did! When he hit the rock, instead of talking to it… like any sane person would do! (Numbers 20:11)
So Moses had his issues— he killed a guy in Egypt, he talked funny, his brother and sister were jealous of him.
(Ex.2:12, 4:10, Num. 12:1-2)
Moses was the first ever editor of the Bible!!!
And chances are… he made a mistake.
First of all, some people believe Moses “wrote upon the tables” the entire Torah (Old Testament), and others believe he wrote down just “the ten commandments.” Either way, he could’ve made a mistake!
Now, chances are if you think every single word of the bible actually happened, then you probably also think Moses didn’t make any mistakes in jotting it down— same goes for the ten commandments.
However, when reading this story, we must consider the following:
Moses (if he existed at all) was human. God (if God existed at all) was not!
How can we expect a person and non-person to use the same language?
For God’s sake, I get misunderstood when I talk to my Israeli friends, because I think they’re saying they own a pet dog and a pet diaper!
(In Hebrew, cat is “kha-tool”, diaper is “khee-tool” … important to know if you want to ask, “Can I play with your cat?”).
Language barrier!
But the Bible is nothing, if not contradictory:
“God is not a man, that he should lie; Neither the son of man, that he should repent…”
(Numbers 24:19)
And we put God in terms we can understand:
The Ten Plagues:
“And I will stretch out my hand and smite Egypt with all my wonders”
-- (Ex. 3:20)
Parting the Red Sea:
"The Lord is a man of war" (Exodus 15:3).
"And with the blast of thy nostrils the waters were gathered together"
-- (Ex.15:8) (Wow, God sounds like Rick Moranis in "Honey, I Shrunk The Kids")
How about in just ONE verse:
“And the Lord said, I have surely SEEN the affliction of my people which are in Egypt, and have HEARD their cry by reason of their taskmasters; for I KNOW their sorrows.”
(Ex.3:7)
(with my capitalizations)
Heck, what about the phrase “And God spoke…” ?
How can God “speak”?? How can something without a mouth speak? Think about it!
Was it like The Voice in “Field of Dreams”?
Did God tell Noah, “If you build it… your sorry ass won’t drown in the Flood.”
“God doesn’t write books. He can make a sunset, why would He want to? …We make God into this semi-human.
You know, He’s a single parent who writes books, and gets pissed. He has a son?! He has a son?! What is this— Bonanza?
I know that you can’t KNOW God. Our imagination… is so limited. Everything that is not exactly like us, we make *almost* like us.
It’s the same with God. We make Him so much like us.
… The irony there, in the Bible, they’re telling you in the very first story that you CAN’T know Him. What’s the big sin they do right away? They eat from the Tree of Knowledge. Get it—KNOWLEDGE? Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain, that’s what He’s saying.
You understand God as well as your dogs understand you.
That’s why we love to be pet owners because we are God to them. We leave and they’re sad, we come back and the sun has risen again! The life giver has somehow returned to dispense justice and mercy… you are kicked out of the Bedroom of Eden for shitting”
-- Bill Maher, in his 2004 HBO stand-up special “Be More Cynical”
“Religion… the people that get in-between, the bureaucracy!
First of all, you can’t talk directly to God-- That is bad.
You have to go to a priest... then he tells Jesus... and Mary got in there-- it’s like the DMV!”
-- Bill Maher
“And the Lord said unto Moses, Write thou these words… And he was there with the Lord forty days and forty night; he did neither eat bread nor drink water. And he wrote upon the tables the words of the covenant, the ten commandments.”
-- Exodus 34:27
BAM!
EVEN if you believe that the events of the Bible actually happened…
The text clearly states that Moses wrote it down.
And I love Moses! I’m a big fan of Moses, especially of his early stuff (“Let my people go” of course, his big hit)
But as great as Moses was… he was human. And humans make mistakes. Heck, Moses did! When he hit the rock, instead of talking to it… like any sane person would do! (Numbers 20:11)
So Moses had his issues— he killed a guy in Egypt, he talked funny, his brother and sister were jealous of him.
(Ex.2:12, 4:10, Num. 12:1-2)
Moses was the first ever editor of the Bible!!!
And chances are… he made a mistake.
First of all, some people believe Moses “wrote upon the tables” the entire Torah (Old Testament), and others believe he wrote down just “the ten commandments.” Either way, he could’ve made a mistake!
Now, chances are if you think every single word of the bible actually happened, then you probably also think Moses didn’t make any mistakes in jotting it down— same goes for the ten commandments.
However, when reading this story, we must consider the following:
Moses (if he existed at all) was human. God (if God existed at all) was not!
How can we expect a person and non-person to use the same language?
For God’s sake, I get misunderstood when I talk to my Israeli friends, because I think they’re saying they own a pet dog and a pet diaper!
(In Hebrew, cat is “kha-tool”, diaper is “khee-tool” … important to know if you want to ask, “Can I play with your cat?”).
Language barrier!
But the Bible is nothing, if not contradictory:
“God is not a man, that he should lie; Neither the son of man, that he should repent…”
(Numbers 24:19)
And we put God in terms we can understand:
The Ten Plagues:
“And I will stretch out my hand and smite Egypt with all my wonders”
-- (Ex. 3:20)
Parting the Red Sea:
"The Lord is a man of war" (Exodus 15:3).
"And with the blast of thy nostrils the waters were gathered together"
-- (Ex.15:8) (Wow, God sounds like Rick Moranis in "Honey, I Shrunk The Kids")
How about in just ONE verse:
“And the Lord said, I have surely SEEN the affliction of my people which are in Egypt, and have HEARD their cry by reason of their taskmasters; for I KNOW their sorrows.”
(Ex.3:7)
(with my capitalizations)
Heck, what about the phrase “And God spoke…” ?
How can God “speak”?? How can something without a mouth speak? Think about it!
Was it like The Voice in “Field of Dreams”?
Did God tell Noah, “If you build it… your sorry ass won’t drown in the Flood.”
“God doesn’t write books. He can make a sunset, why would He want to? …We make God into this semi-human.
You know, He’s a single parent who writes books, and gets pissed. He has a son?! He has a son?! What is this— Bonanza?
I know that you can’t KNOW God. Our imagination… is so limited. Everything that is not exactly like us, we make *almost* like us.
It’s the same with God. We make Him so much like us.
… The irony there, in the Bible, they’re telling you in the very first story that you CAN’T know Him. What’s the big sin they do right away? They eat from the Tree of Knowledge. Get it—KNOWLEDGE? Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain, that’s what He’s saying.
You understand God as well as your dogs understand you.
That’s why we love to be pet owners because we are God to them. We leave and they’re sad, we come back and the sun has risen again! The life giver has somehow returned to dispense justice and mercy… you are kicked out of the Bedroom of Eden for shitting”
-- Bill Maher, in his 2004 HBO stand-up special “Be More Cynical”
Monday, January 4
Hillary Clinton, eat your heart out
.
In the Exodus story...
Right before the 9th plague (Darkness), Moses tells Pharaoh yet again, "Let my people go!"
And he adds:
"Our cattle also shall go with us, there shall not a hoof be left behind..."
-- (Exodus 10:26)
Yes! There's nothing to add! It's perfect!
Just like Viva Fox had to take her golden retriever with her in "Independence Day", and the titular character in "Pee Wee's Big Adventure", who famously ran back into a burning pet store to save handfuls of snakes.
NO HOOF LEFT BEHIND!
The 8th commandment from Orwell's "Animal Farm."
Four legs good
Two legs bad
Three legs... means a dog you laugh at, then feel sorry for and you hate yourself.
.
In the Exodus story...
Right before the 9th plague (Darkness), Moses tells Pharaoh yet again, "Let my people go!"
And he adds:
"Our cattle also shall go with us, there shall not a hoof be left behind..."
-- (Exodus 10:26)
Yes! There's nothing to add! It's perfect!
Just like Viva Fox had to take her golden retriever with her in "Independence Day", and the titular character in "Pee Wee's Big Adventure", who famously ran back into a burning pet store to save handfuls of snakes.
NO HOOF LEFT BEHIND!
The 8th commandment from Orwell's "Animal Farm."
Four legs good
Two legs bad
Three legs... means a dog you laugh at, then feel sorry for and you hate yourself.
.
Sunday, January 3
"Exsqueeze me? Baking Powder?" -- Wayne Campbell
.
No verse captures the beauty and utter insanity of organized religion like Exodus 13:3.
In the bitter cold of winter, it helps to remember the sunny days of Springtime holidays and all their nuttiness:
Jesus came back to life— Easter eggs!
The Israelite slaves left Egypt— eat some crackers!
Religion!
In the middle of the actual Exodus— after fleeing Pharaoh in Egypt (2 verses earlier) and before crossing the Red Sea (14 verses later)— Moses talks to the Israelites a little.
Exodus 13:3, read all the way through --
"And Moses said unto the people, Remember this day, in which ye came out from Egypt, out of the house of bondage, for by the strength of hand the Lord brought you out from this place: there shall no leavened bread be eaten."
While reading this verse, I’m guessing your thought process was a bit like mine:
"Okay… right… makes sense… sure... Say what???
Remember the day.
Fine.
Because you left Egypt.
Yes.
A House of Bondage.
Sounds kinky... but okay.
With a strong hand the Lord brought you out of slavery.
Sure.
Don't eat any leavened bread.
What the hell?!
How about
2 + 2 = …. an ice cream sandwich!
How does THAT last sentence fragment relate AT ALL to the rest of the verse?
As I put on my commentator hat (which, of course, has beer cans attached on either side), I could say--
Well, in today's society, it's pretty difficult to LITERALLY feel like we were slaves in Egypt (as Jews are supposed to during the holiday of Passover) and now we are free— most of us have been free our whole lives, we simply do not possess a lot of true empathy for slaves.
What we CAN do is suffer a little bit, for a week, and at least gastronomically experience the journey out of Egypt, by only eating unleavened bread, i.e., matzah!
Now, if I take OFF my commentator hat (glug glug)...
that verse sounds friggin' retarded!!!
And I don't mean that in the offensive way. Um... I mean it... in the French way! In French "retard" means "late" (Hence the phrase “tardy”). I am guessing that the "unleavened bread" stuff was added LATER, when the writer wanted to specifically encourage observance of the Passover holiday among its readers.
Footnote:
When I studied French in high school, my teacher would chastise me for being late to class. She would do this by saying,
“Tu est en retard,”
what I thought translated to mean, "Aaron, you are a retard."
This seemed uncalled for, insulting… very French.
Ironic— if I were smarter and knew French, my teacher wouldn't call me a "retard"... which she wasn't doing anyway... which I would've known HAD I actually studied French.
Another Footnote:
My brother also studied French in high school and he was fond of answering the question "So, you're taking French?" by saying, "Well, I'm not TAKING it, they GAVE it to me... and they're forcing me."
Ha! Trés bien.
His French teacher also called him a "retard."
.
No verse captures the beauty and utter insanity of organized religion like Exodus 13:3.
In the bitter cold of winter, it helps to remember the sunny days of Springtime holidays and all their nuttiness:
Jesus came back to life— Easter eggs!
The Israelite slaves left Egypt— eat some crackers!
Religion!
In the middle of the actual Exodus— after fleeing Pharaoh in Egypt (2 verses earlier) and before crossing the Red Sea (14 verses later)— Moses talks to the Israelites a little.
Exodus 13:3, read all the way through --
"And Moses said unto the people, Remember this day, in which ye came out from Egypt, out of the house of bondage, for by the strength of hand the Lord brought you out from this place: there shall no leavened bread be eaten."
While reading this verse, I’m guessing your thought process was a bit like mine:
"Okay… right… makes sense… sure... Say what???
Remember the day.
Fine.
Because you left Egypt.
Yes.
A House of Bondage.
Sounds kinky... but okay.
With a strong hand the Lord brought you out of slavery.
Sure.
Don't eat any leavened bread.
What the hell?!
How about
2 + 2 = …. an ice cream sandwich!
How does THAT last sentence fragment relate AT ALL to the rest of the verse?
As I put on my commentator hat (which, of course, has beer cans attached on either side), I could say--
Well, in today's society, it's pretty difficult to LITERALLY feel like we were slaves in Egypt (as Jews are supposed to during the holiday of Passover) and now we are free— most of us have been free our whole lives, we simply do not possess a lot of true empathy for slaves.
What we CAN do is suffer a little bit, for a week, and at least gastronomically experience the journey out of Egypt, by only eating unleavened bread, i.e., matzah!
Now, if I take OFF my commentator hat (glug glug)...
that verse sounds friggin' retarded!!!
And I don't mean that in the offensive way. Um... I mean it... in the French way! In French "retard" means "late" (Hence the phrase “tardy”). I am guessing that the "unleavened bread" stuff was added LATER, when the writer wanted to specifically encourage observance of the Passover holiday among its readers.
Footnote:
When I studied French in high school, my teacher would chastise me for being late to class. She would do this by saying,
“Tu est en retard,”
what I thought translated to mean, "Aaron, you are a retard."
This seemed uncalled for, insulting… very French.
Ironic— if I were smarter and knew French, my teacher wouldn't call me a "retard"... which she wasn't doing anyway... which I would've known HAD I actually studied French.
Another Footnote:
My brother also studied French in high school and he was fond of answering the question "So, you're taking French?" by saying, "Well, I'm not TAKING it, they GAVE it to me... and they're forcing me."
Ha! Trés bien.
His French teacher also called him a "retard."
.
Saturday, January 2
Turkish Delight
.
"... I have been a stranger in a strange land"
-- Exodus 2:22
I went to Turkey a couple weeks ago, spending the majority of Hanukkah (The Jewish Festival of Lights)in Istanbul.
I learned some Turkish phrases--
First of all, the phrase for
"thank you very much"
sounds a lot like
"where is the toilet?"
They are, respectively--
tush-a-core neradeem
and
too-va-let nereday
Now YOU are Turkısh, too!
I often confused and combined them. So I left many-a restaurant, waiving and smiling, thanking the waiters by shouting, "Where is the toilet?!"
Or sometimes, if I REALLY enjoyed the food, I'd say, "Toilet very much."
Everyone in Turkey thought I was a very grateful man with bladder control issues... and a learning disability.
Which is not far from the truth.
And EVERYONE there sells rugs... no really. EVERYONE!
One salesman spoke to the wife and me for a while. He had this wisdom to impart--
"Hope is breakfast for poor people. We must have hope, we must have try... if not... then you never climb the tree."
(Amen, you said it, brother)
"Carpet is beauty... Why? Because person is beauty. No more Picasso-- forget Picasso, human person is beauty, heart is beauty. If you see in heart-- all colors. İf you see with eyes-- is black and white.**
I think it is pretty obvious how philosophical this trip has been for me.
Besides that... its just like America!
Of course, I told everyone I was Canadian, and they were nice to me.
I went to a Turkish bath... boy, Turkish men sure are friendly.... REALLY friendly...
I was too tense to enjoy it. Visions of "Shawshank Redemption" haunted me the whole time.
And we saw the whirling dervishes... Lame! Four guys, each wearing a fez hat and a robe, spinning around! For forty-five minutes!
AND we weren't allowed to use flash photography or clap because it was actually a religious ceremony.
Ha!
Ridiculous!
What a stupid religion... now if you will excuse me I must light some candles and eat potato pancakes and spin a droodle.... to remember... oil... or something.
“Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.”
-- Dave Barry
.
"... I have been a stranger in a strange land"
-- Exodus 2:22
I went to Turkey a couple weeks ago, spending the majority of Hanukkah (The Jewish Festival of Lights)in Istanbul.
I learned some Turkish phrases--
First of all, the phrase for
"thank you very much"
sounds a lot like
"where is the toilet?"
They are, respectively--
tush-a-core neradeem
and
too-va-let nereday
Now YOU are Turkısh, too!
I often confused and combined them. So I left many-a restaurant, waiving and smiling, thanking the waiters by shouting, "Where is the toilet?!"
Or sometimes, if I REALLY enjoyed the food, I'd say, "Toilet very much."
Everyone in Turkey thought I was a very grateful man with bladder control issues... and a learning disability.
Which is not far from the truth.
And EVERYONE there sells rugs... no really. EVERYONE!
One salesman spoke to the wife and me for a while. He had this wisdom to impart--
"Hope is breakfast for poor people. We must have hope, we must have try... if not... then you never climb the tree."
(Amen, you said it, brother)
"Carpet is beauty... Why? Because person is beauty. No more Picasso-- forget Picasso, human person is beauty, heart is beauty. If you see in heart-- all colors. İf you see with eyes-- is black and white.**
I think it is pretty obvious how philosophical this trip has been for me.
Besides that... its just like America!
Of course, I told everyone I was Canadian, and they were nice to me.
I went to a Turkish bath... boy, Turkish men sure are friendly.... REALLY friendly...
I was too tense to enjoy it. Visions of "Shawshank Redemption" haunted me the whole time.
And we saw the whirling dervishes... Lame! Four guys, each wearing a fez hat and a robe, spinning around! For forty-five minutes!
AND we weren't allowed to use flash photography or clap because it was actually a religious ceremony.
Ha!
Ridiculous!
What a stupid religion... now if you will excuse me I must light some candles and eat potato pancakes and spin a droodle.... to remember... oil... or something.
“Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.”
-- Dave Barry
.
Happy New Year!
.
“…have a sabbath, a memorial of blowing of trumpets, a holy convocation.
Ye shall do no servile work therein: but ye shall offer an offering made by fire unto the Lord.”
-- Leviticus 23:24-25
That is how the New Year celebration is first mentioned in the Bible.
Jews still celebrate it like that.
But like so many Jewish holidays that have Christian counterparts in the same season (Christmas/Hanukkah; Easter/Passover), the Jewish version… is a lot less fun!
But on the upside—it’s more guilt-ridden, too!
Hurray!
Even today, in synagogues, the “blowing of trumpets” is represented by a ram’s horn, or “shofar,” that the Jews blow like… a trumpet! It’s serves as a “wake-up call” soon before the Day of Atonement, Yom Kippur, when God judges everybody--
“… there shall be a day of atonement, it shall be a holy convocation unto you; and ye shall afflict your souls” (Lev. 23:27).
On Rosh Hashana (Jewish New Year), Jews wish each other well by saying, “May you be inscribed in the Book of Life.”
But on Yom Kippur they say, “May you be sealed in the Book of Life.”
“On Rosh HaShana it is inscribed. And on the Day of Atonement it is sealed.”
What is sealed?
Your fate!
In the month leading up to the special days, Jews recite a prayer called “S'lichot” (In Hebrew, “s'lichah” means “sorry”), that begins with the above line—
In it, we say what is sealed—
“How many will pass away and how many will be born. Who will live and who will die.”
Wait— it gets better!
”Who will reach the end of his days and who will not.
Who by fire and who by water.
Who by sword and who by beast.
Who by hunger and who by thirst.
Who by earthquake and who by plague.
Who by strangling and who by stoning…”
Geez!
Happy New Year!
Forget about watching the ball drop in Times Square! You might have to outrun a beast or an earthquake or a strangling… person.
This is a bummer!
Basically, God is said to decide…
“Who will be tranquil and who will be tormented…
Who will be lowered, and who will be exalted.”
The week and a half between the two holidays is known as the “Ten Days of Penitence,” when God is scrutinizing our behavior very closely, and people are supposed to make amends for any sinning they did during the previous year.
God supposedly has the Book of Life, in which God jots down all of our good deeds and all of our sins.
Sound like anyone you know?
"He knows when you are sleeping,
He knows when you’re awake,
He knows if you’ve been bad or good…”
Imagine if Santa Claus and God switched!
If you were naughty, instead of a lump of coal… Santa might strangle you and give you the plague!
Now sleep tight, Timmy!
Nestled in bed, visions of sugar plums being mauled to death by a beast or drowned... in your head.
With the sound of the shofar (trumpet),the Jewish New Year is the announcement of a Final Exam — of your soul!!!!
Also, we eat apples and honey!
For a “sweet” New Year!
That is SO Jewish! Intense religious pressure and guilt
… and some food!
Ironic—the Jewish and the American New Years are almost exactly opposite from one another.
The former, we begin atoning, reforming and acting like better people;
the latter we get so drunk and wasted… we do stuff that we will have to atone for.
“New Year’s Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.”
-- Jay Leno
.
“…have a sabbath, a memorial of blowing of trumpets, a holy convocation.
Ye shall do no servile work therein: but ye shall offer an offering made by fire unto the Lord.”
-- Leviticus 23:24-25
That is how the New Year celebration is first mentioned in the Bible.
Jews still celebrate it like that.
But like so many Jewish holidays that have Christian counterparts in the same season (Christmas/Hanukkah; Easter/Passover), the Jewish version… is a lot less fun!
But on the upside—it’s more guilt-ridden, too!
Hurray!
Even today, in synagogues, the “blowing of trumpets” is represented by a ram’s horn, or “shofar,” that the Jews blow like… a trumpet! It’s serves as a “wake-up call” soon before the Day of Atonement, Yom Kippur, when God judges everybody--
“… there shall be a day of atonement, it shall be a holy convocation unto you; and ye shall afflict your souls” (Lev. 23:27).
On Rosh Hashana (Jewish New Year), Jews wish each other well by saying, “May you be inscribed in the Book of Life.”
But on Yom Kippur they say, “May you be sealed in the Book of Life.”
“On Rosh HaShana it is inscribed. And on the Day of Atonement it is sealed.”
What is sealed?
Your fate!
In the month leading up to the special days, Jews recite a prayer called “S'lichot” (In Hebrew, “s'lichah” means “sorry”), that begins with the above line—
In it, we say what is sealed—
“How many will pass away and how many will be born. Who will live and who will die.”
Wait— it gets better!
”Who will reach the end of his days and who will not.
Who by fire and who by water.
Who by sword and who by beast.
Who by hunger and who by thirst.
Who by earthquake and who by plague.
Who by strangling and who by stoning…”
Geez!
Happy New Year!
Forget about watching the ball drop in Times Square! You might have to outrun a beast or an earthquake or a strangling… person.
This is a bummer!
Basically, God is said to decide…
“Who will be tranquil and who will be tormented…
Who will be lowered, and who will be exalted.”
The week and a half between the two holidays is known as the “Ten Days of Penitence,” when God is scrutinizing our behavior very closely, and people are supposed to make amends for any sinning they did during the previous year.
God supposedly has the Book of Life, in which God jots down all of our good deeds and all of our sins.
Sound like anyone you know?
"He knows when you are sleeping,
He knows when you’re awake,
He knows if you’ve been bad or good…”
Imagine if Santa Claus and God switched!
If you were naughty, instead of a lump of coal… Santa might strangle you and give you the plague!
Now sleep tight, Timmy!
Nestled in bed, visions of sugar plums being mauled to death by a beast or drowned... in your head.
With the sound of the shofar (trumpet),the Jewish New Year is the announcement of a Final Exam — of your soul!!!!
Also, we eat apples and honey!
For a “sweet” New Year!
That is SO Jewish! Intense religious pressure and guilt
… and some food!
Ironic—the Jewish and the American New Years are almost exactly opposite from one another.
The former, we begin atoning, reforming and acting like better people;
the latter we get so drunk and wasted… we do stuff that we will have to atone for.
“New Year’s Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.”
-- Jay Leno
.
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