Posts
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“…went out through the land of Egypt: Where I heard a language that I understood not”
-- Psalms 81:5
I just returned from an 11-day excursion to Italy and Greece.
What did I learn?
1st : Italian public transportation is great.
2nd : Greek public transportation stinks.
3rd : The Greek word for “vegetarian” sounds like a homophobic slur (pronounced “hort-oh-fag-uss”).
And Finally, it is true that being in a REALLY foreign country makes you appreciate a slightly LESS foreign country.
Example: I speak Hebrew poorly. But I speak Greek and Italian even more poorly!
So while I was in Rome and Athens I really missed being in Israel!
At least in the latter I can order a cup of coffee and then be ignored by my waiter… in a language I sorta understand.
Which brings me to my thesis:
EVERYTHING is relative.
This past baseball season, 2009, the Philadelphia Phillies centerfielder Shane Victorino hit 10 homeruns!
Yay!
That ranked him 181st in baseball.
Ahem.
But it WOULD have been first in the league
… in 1909.
The film “The Ten Commandments” grossed $65.5 million dollars in America.
Not very impressive by today’s standards (the ridiculous “Twilight: New Moon” bested that total in just its first 24 hours in the U.S. this past November).
However, “The Ten Commandments” was released in 1956.
Adjusted for inflation (thanks to the folks at boxofficemojo.com) that would be just short of $1 billion today
(more than any film except Gone with the Wind, Star Wars, The Sound of Music and E.T.).
My point?
Don’t take ANYTHING at face value.
EVERYTHING is relative.
Am I the most attractive guy?
… in the world?
Heck no!
… in my apartment?
Hellz yeah!
The Bible says we should
When the Bible was written, was there electricity, in-door plumbing or , oh I don’t know, aspirin?
Nope.
Was there universally accepted bigamy, slavery, and little-to-no underwear?
Yup.
It’s all relative.
“He that smiteth a man, so that he die, shall be surely put to death.”
--Exodus 21:12
Okay, capital punishment. Not totally foreign to us.
“For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall be surely put to death…”
-- Leviticus 20:9
What??
“If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death”
-- Leviticus 20:13
People used to think leeches were better than surgery, the mandrake root could get you preggers, and gay people were evil.
Things change.
And, hopefully, so do people.
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Sunday, February 28
Sunday, February 14
I Must Be Going
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Sorry, Gang.
I will be away from my blog for 11 days, while the missus and I trot around Italy and Greece.
But just like God told Abraham:
"Get thee out of thy country, and from thy kindred, and from thy father’s house, unto a land that I will shew thee." (Genesis 12:1)
How's THAT for a segue?!
I actually already did that when I started college in 2001.
I ventured to New York City (The City That Never Sleeps), leaving my "father's house" in Philadelphia (The City That Occasionally Dozes Off).
Then, this past October, I left my birthland, the USA (national motto: "Hey, nice country you have here... It's ours, now") to live in Israel for a year.
Israel, The Land of Milk and Honey (and Tension!).
Having read several hundred pages of the Bible, chronicling several dozen generations of Israelites in this wholesome, peaceful area known as the Middle East,
I can safely say... there has been tension in this part of the world for thousands of years! Peace is an elusive ... thing.
It's ironic that most Jewish prayers and all formal communal services end with the words "May God who makes peace above, make peace for us and all of Israel. Amen."
That would be nice.
"But wishing won't make it so, you've got to go out there and be the best Barney you can be!"
- Homer Simpson, "Mr. Plow", Written by Jon Vitti
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Sorry, Gang.
I will be away from my blog for 11 days, while the missus and I trot around Italy and Greece.
But just like God told Abraham:
"Get thee out of thy country, and from thy kindred, and from thy father’s house, unto a land that I will shew thee." (Genesis 12:1)
How's THAT for a segue?!
I actually already did that when I started college in 2001.
I ventured to New York City (The City That Never Sleeps), leaving my "father's house" in Philadelphia (The City That Occasionally Dozes Off).
Then, this past October, I left my birthland, the USA (national motto: "Hey, nice country you have here... It's ours, now") to live in Israel for a year.
Israel, The Land of Milk and Honey (and Tension!).
Having read several hundred pages of the Bible, chronicling several dozen generations of Israelites in this wholesome, peaceful area known as the Middle East,
I can safely say... there has been tension in this part of the world for thousands of years! Peace is an elusive ... thing.
It's ironic that most Jewish prayers and all formal communal services end with the words "May God who makes peace above, make peace for us and all of Israel. Amen."
That would be nice.
"But wishing won't make it so, you've got to go out there and be the best Barney you can be!"
- Homer Simpson, "Mr. Plow", Written by Jon Vitti
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Thursday, February 11
Go Bayside!
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"Over? Did you say 'over'? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!... And it ain't over now. 'Cause when the goin' gets tough...[thinks hard]... the tough get goin'! Who's with me? Let's go!"
-- Bluto, "Animal House" (1978, by Harold Ramis & Douglas Kenney & Chris Miller)
Everyone needs a pep talk now and then.
Everybody needs to be inspired.
In addition to being a source of empathy, the Psalms are the epitome of inspirational words.
Daily Affirmations, which is why people are encouraged to read it during any life cycle event.
Happy, sad—doesn’t matter, you can find meaning in a psalm.
Heck, there are 150, there’s bound to be ONE that you can identify with.
Like a flavor of Ben & Jerry’s or type of CareBear – pick one!
People need hope! People need something to cling to, to root for, a reason to keep soldiering on!
They need the Psalms.
“For strangers are risen up against me, and oppressors seek after my soul: they have not set God before them. Selah.
Behold, God is mine helper: the Lord is with them that uphold my soul.”
-- Ps. 54:3-4
“I’m the underdog, the odds are against me. But I got a secret weapon—God! God will give me the extra strength I need to be victorious.
God—The Gatorade of deities.
Theological Steroids.
The Psalms are uplifting half-time pep talks.
The writer of the Psalms knows that Life isn't always fair, and the reader of the Bible needs some empathy and inspiration, as we all do.
One line from the opening scene from “Patton”—
“We're gonna keep fighting. Is that CLEAR? We're gonna attack all night, we're gonna attack tomorrow morning. If we are not VICTORIOUS, let no man come back alive!”
-- “Patton” (1970, screenplay by Francis Ford Coppola and Edmund H. North)
"And the last thing he said to me: 'Rock,' he said, 'Sometime, when the team is up against it, and the breaks are beating the boys, tell 'em to go out there with all they got and win just one for the Gipper.'"
-- "Knute Rockne: All American"
(1940, screenplay by Robert Buckner)
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"Over? Did you say 'over'? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!... And it ain't over now. 'Cause when the goin' gets tough...[thinks hard]... the tough get goin'! Who's with me? Let's go!"
-- Bluto, "Animal House" (1978, by Harold Ramis & Douglas Kenney & Chris Miller)
Everyone needs a pep talk now and then.
Everybody needs to be inspired.
In addition to being a source of empathy, the Psalms are the epitome of inspirational words.
Daily Affirmations, which is why people are encouraged to read it during any life cycle event.
Happy, sad—doesn’t matter, you can find meaning in a psalm.
Heck, there are 150, there’s bound to be ONE that you can identify with.
Like a flavor of Ben & Jerry’s or type of CareBear – pick one!
People need hope! People need something to cling to, to root for, a reason to keep soldiering on!
They need the Psalms.
“For strangers are risen up against me, and oppressors seek after my soul: they have not set God before them. Selah.
Behold, God is mine helper: the Lord is with them that uphold my soul.”
-- Ps. 54:3-4
“I’m the underdog, the odds are against me. But I got a secret weapon—God! God will give me the extra strength I need to be victorious.
God—The Gatorade of deities.
Theological Steroids.
The Psalms are uplifting half-time pep talks.
The writer of the Psalms knows that Life isn't always fair, and the reader of the Bible needs some empathy and inspiration, as we all do.
One line from the opening scene from “Patton”—
“We're gonna keep fighting. Is that CLEAR? We're gonna attack all night, we're gonna attack tomorrow morning. If we are not VICTORIOUS, let no man come back alive!”
-- “Patton” (1970, screenplay by Francis Ford Coppola and Edmund H. North)
"And the last thing he said to me: 'Rock,' he said, 'Sometime, when the team is up against it, and the breaks are beating the boys, tell 'em to go out there with all they got and win just one for the Gipper.'"
-- "Knute Rockne: All American"
(1940, screenplay by Robert Buckner)
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EMPATHY-- Find out what it means to me
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An important life lesson-- Know your audience.
Whenever you give advice to someone, or brag to someone, or....actually, ever really TALK to someone--- Know what they WANT to hear, NEED to hear and CAN hear.
Example:
I am in the midst of reading the 150 Psalms, attributed to the pen of King David.
When the Psalms were written the Jews had it pretty tough.
Now, most experts estimate their inception being between the 11th century and 6th century BCE... Not that it really matters-- any time over the past four thousands years was a pretty tough time for the Jews.
Persecuted, being murdered for their beliefs, treated like... well, basically like something you'd scrape off the bottom of your shoe.
And one thing people need in times of trouble-- Mother Mary to comfort them, speak some words of wisdom...
Actually, that's not Jewish at all!
People need hope! People need something to cling to! They need to know they are not alone.
They need the Psalms.
Not only were the Psalms an outlet for the writer to vent (i.e., kvetch) about his/her frustrations (there are some obvious references to the Babylonian Exile of the Jews from Ancient Israel, 586 BCE-- bummer!), but I believe they were included in the canon of the Bible because they are the ultimate words of empathy and proverbial shoulder to cry on.
The writer of the Psalms knows that Life isn't always fair, and the reader of the Bible needs some empathy.
They let the reader know-- you're not alone.
Here is an excerpt from arguably the most famous Psalm-- 23 (oooh, good title):
"He restoreth my soul... Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me."
Not surprisingly, this is usually recited at graveside funerals of Jews and Christians alike. It makes sense-- it's filled with the idea that God invigorates one's soul (perhaps an allusion to the afterlife) and God helps us when we feel like we're in "the valley of the shadow of death" (Amen, Coolio, you said it). When would someone feel like that? When they've just lost a loved one, and they're in a cemetery (which is literally a valley of the shadow of death).
The following Psalm is recited at a Jewish house of mourning:
"I will say unto God my rock, Why hast thou forgotten me? ...
... they say daily unto me, Where is thy God?
Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God."
(42:9-11)
OF COURSE people who've just lost a friend/relative recite this Psalm! It's clear that they are feeling the same way.
And the Psalm tells us-- "Hey, you're not alone. Everybody gets bummed out, everybody feels forsaken by God now and then. Hang in there."
"I have found that the only I can deal with it is-- Find other people who had similar experiences and talk to them. It doesn't cost anything."
-- Craig Ferguson, late night talk show host, recovering alcoholic
The following MIGHT AS WELL be a Psalm:
"When the night has come, and the land is dark/
And the moon is the only light we'll see/
No I won't be afraid, no I won't be afraid/
Just as long as you stand, stand by me"
-- Ben E. King, Jerry Leiber and Mike Stoller.
And finally:
"Some...times in our lives/ We all have pain, we all have sorrow/
But... if we are wise/ We know that there's, always tomorrow"
-- Bill Withers, "Lean On Me"
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An important life lesson-- Know your audience.
Whenever you give advice to someone, or brag to someone, or....actually, ever really TALK to someone--- Know what they WANT to hear, NEED to hear and CAN hear.
Example:
I am in the midst of reading the 150 Psalms, attributed to the pen of King David.
When the Psalms were written the Jews had it pretty tough.
Now, most experts estimate their inception being between the 11th century and 6th century BCE... Not that it really matters-- any time over the past four thousands years was a pretty tough time for the Jews.
Persecuted, being murdered for their beliefs, treated like... well, basically like something you'd scrape off the bottom of your shoe.
And one thing people need in times of trouble-- Mother Mary to comfort them, speak some words of wisdom...
Actually, that's not Jewish at all!
People need hope! People need something to cling to! They need to know they are not alone.
They need the Psalms.
Not only were the Psalms an outlet for the writer to vent (i.e., kvetch) about his/her frustrations (there are some obvious references to the Babylonian Exile of the Jews from Ancient Israel, 586 BCE-- bummer!), but I believe they were included in the canon of the Bible because they are the ultimate words of empathy and proverbial shoulder to cry on.
The writer of the Psalms knows that Life isn't always fair, and the reader of the Bible needs some empathy.
They let the reader know-- you're not alone.
Here is an excerpt from arguably the most famous Psalm-- 23 (oooh, good title):
"He restoreth my soul... Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me."
Not surprisingly, this is usually recited at graveside funerals of Jews and Christians alike. It makes sense-- it's filled with the idea that God invigorates one's soul (perhaps an allusion to the afterlife) and God helps us when we feel like we're in "the valley of the shadow of death" (Amen, Coolio, you said it). When would someone feel like that? When they've just lost a loved one, and they're in a cemetery (which is literally a valley of the shadow of death).
The following Psalm is recited at a Jewish house of mourning:
"I will say unto God my rock, Why hast thou forgotten me? ...
... they say daily unto me, Where is thy God?
Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God."
(42:9-11)
OF COURSE people who've just lost a friend/relative recite this Psalm! It's clear that they are feeling the same way.
And the Psalm tells us-- "Hey, you're not alone. Everybody gets bummed out, everybody feels forsaken by God now and then. Hang in there."
"I have found that the only I can deal with it is-- Find other people who had similar experiences and talk to them. It doesn't cost anything."
-- Craig Ferguson, late night talk show host, recovering alcoholic
The following MIGHT AS WELL be a Psalm:
"When the night has come, and the land is dark/
And the moon is the only light we'll see/
No I won't be afraid, no I won't be afraid/
Just as long as you stand, stand by me"
-- Ben E. King, Jerry Leiber and Mike Stoller.
And finally:
"Some...times in our lives/ We all have pain, we all have sorrow/
But... if we are wise/ We know that there's, always tomorrow"
-- Bill Withers, "Lean On Me"
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Wednesday, February 10
Follow the Leader
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"And Nadab the son of Jeroboam began to reign over Israel ... And he did evil in the sight of the LORD... and in his sin wherewith he made Israel to sin. "
- I Kings 15:25-26
"...began Baasha the son of Ahijah to reign over all Israel... And he did evil in the sight of the LORD... and in his sin wherewith he made Israel to sin."
- I Kings 15:34
A leader leads by example.
So if the leader is corrupt, the people will be corrupt as well.
Let's skip ahead to the famous judge after Deborah- Gideon. What kind of a leader was he?
"...and he put a trumpet in every man’s hand, with empty pitchers, and lamps within the pitchers. And he said unto them, Look on me, and do likewise..." - Judges 7:16-17
Okay... a little weird. But inspiring! And, as it turns out, he got the job done.
And why?
Inspiration.
"...it shall be that, as I do, so shall ye do." (Judges 7:17)
If I've learned anything from every sports movie, every camp movie, every Michelle Pfeiffer-tough-teacher-in-the-Hood movie... it's that people might not NEED an inspiring leader to be victorious... but it certainly helps.
... also, soundtrack from Coolio doesn't hurt.
"The final test of a leader is that he leaves behind him in other men the conviction and the will to carry on."
-- Walter Lippmann
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"And Nadab the son of Jeroboam began to reign over Israel ... And he did evil in the sight of the LORD... and in his sin wherewith he made Israel to sin. "
- I Kings 15:25-26
"...began Baasha the son of Ahijah to reign over all Israel... And he did evil in the sight of the LORD... and in his sin wherewith he made Israel to sin."
- I Kings 15:34
A leader leads by example.
So if the leader is corrupt, the people will be corrupt as well.
Let's skip ahead to the famous judge after Deborah- Gideon. What kind of a leader was he?
"...and he put a trumpet in every man’s hand, with empty pitchers, and lamps within the pitchers. And he said unto them, Look on me, and do likewise..." - Judges 7:16-17
Okay... a little weird. But inspiring! And, as it turns out, he got the job done.
And why?
Inspiration.
"...it shall be that, as I do, so shall ye do." (Judges 7:17)
If I've learned anything from every sports movie, every camp movie, every Michelle Pfeiffer-tough-teacher-in-the-Hood movie... it's that people might not NEED an inspiring leader to be victorious... but it certainly helps.
... also, soundtrack from Coolio doesn't hurt.
"The final test of a leader is that he leaves behind him in other men the conviction and the will to carry on."
-- Walter Lippmann
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"Sugar and Spice..."
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There is a tendency to focus on all the dudes of the Bible and gloss over the ladies.
Why?
Because, for most of recorded history, dudes have called the shots.
"The LORD God of your fathers, the God of Abraham, of Isaac, and of Jacob..."
(Exodus 3:16)
So we remember Eve as a sinful apple eater, Delilah as a sneaky temptress/barber, and Jezebel as... well... Bette Davis!
It just isn't so!
In the very beginning of the Exodus story, Pharaoh kills all the male Israelite babies (1:22), Moses kills the taskmaster (2:12), and God (traditionally portrayed as male) kills many people in the ten plagues and the Red Sea--
"The LORD is a man of war... Pharaoh’s chariots and his host hath he cast into the sea..." (15:3-4).
Meanwhile, two Egyptian midwives Shiphrah and Puah "feared God, and did not as the king of Egypt commanded them, but saved the men children alive" (1:15); and Yocheved hid her son and saved his life (2:3), the infant's sister watched over him to make sure he's be okay (2:4) and Pharaoh's daughter adopted the infant and raised him as her son (2:10).
So all the MEN in this story are murderous and blood-thirsty, and the WOMEN save lives!
Hm.
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There is a tendency to focus on all the dudes of the Bible and gloss over the ladies.
Why?
Because, for most of recorded history, dudes have called the shots.
"The LORD God of your fathers, the God of Abraham, of Isaac, and of Jacob..."
(Exodus 3:16)
So we remember Eve as a sinful apple eater, Delilah as a sneaky temptress/barber, and Jezebel as... well... Bette Davis!
It just isn't so!
In the very beginning of the Exodus story, Pharaoh kills all the male Israelite babies (1:22), Moses kills the taskmaster (2:12), and God (traditionally portrayed as male) kills many people in the ten plagues and the Red Sea--
"The LORD is a man of war... Pharaoh’s chariots and his host hath he cast into the sea..." (15:3-4).
Meanwhile, two Egyptian midwives Shiphrah and Puah "feared God, and did not as the king of Egypt commanded them, but saved the men children alive" (1:15); and Yocheved hid her son and saved his life (2:3), the infant's sister watched over him to make sure he's be okay (2:4) and Pharaoh's daughter adopted the infant and raised him as her son (2:10).
So all the MEN in this story are murderous and blood-thirsty, and the WOMEN save lives!
Hm.
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Gimme a 'G'-- Gimme an 'O'-- Gimme a 'D'...
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"And Miriam the prophetess, the sister of Aaron, took a timbrel in her hand; and all the women went out after her with timbrels and with dances."
-Exodus 15:20
For years I attended Passover Seders (traditional meal during Passover, recounting the Israelites' exodus from Egypt), and women at the table would sing a song on behalf of Miriam.
And, naturally, I mocked them.
People often mock that which they don't understand... also, it's fun!
But reading about Miriam and all she did, I came to appreciate her... plus, Sandra Bullock did her voice in "Prince of Egypt"!
Sure, Moses led the people out of Egypt/slavery.
But remember, he was "not eloquent," rather, he was "slow of speech, and of a slow tongue." (Ex. 4:10)
Meanwhile, Miriam was bold and outgoing-- she convinced Pharaoh's daughter to use Moses' birth mom as a wet-nurse for baby Moses (Ex.2:7-9).
She helped save his life.
Then, when the Israelites needed a cheer-- by george, Miriam helped out big time.
She helped make the freeing of the Israelites a joyous occasion!
A rave needs a DJ, a cabaret needs an emcee, and Miriam filled those sandals!
She was more than just a cheerleader, Miriam helped lift the spirits of the Israelites... and saved Moses' life.
Not that she was perfect-- she'd later talk some smack about Moses and his Ethiopian wife, Tziporrah, and God smote her with leprosy for it (Numbers 12:1-10).
But THAT is what's so great about the BIBLE! The characters are flawed, human, real-- they make mistakes. This let's us know it's okay for us to make mistakes, too... but try to avoid leprosy.
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"And Miriam the prophetess, the sister of Aaron, took a timbrel in her hand; and all the women went out after her with timbrels and with dances."
-Exodus 15:20
For years I attended Passover Seders (traditional meal during Passover, recounting the Israelites' exodus from Egypt), and women at the table would sing a song on behalf of Miriam.
And, naturally, I mocked them.
People often mock that which they don't understand... also, it's fun!
But reading about Miriam and all she did, I came to appreciate her... plus, Sandra Bullock did her voice in "Prince of Egypt"!
Sure, Moses led the people out of Egypt/slavery.
But remember, he was "not eloquent," rather, he was "slow of speech, and of a slow tongue." (Ex. 4:10)
Meanwhile, Miriam was bold and outgoing-- she convinced Pharaoh's daughter to use Moses' birth mom as a wet-nurse for baby Moses (Ex.2:7-9).
She helped save his life.
Then, when the Israelites needed a cheer-- by george, Miriam helped out big time.
She helped make the freeing of the Israelites a joyous occasion!
A rave needs a DJ, a cabaret needs an emcee, and Miriam filled those sandals!
She was more than just a cheerleader, Miriam helped lift the spirits of the Israelites... and saved Moses' life.
Not that she was perfect-- she'd later talk some smack about Moses and his Ethiopian wife, Tziporrah, and God smote her with leprosy for it (Numbers 12:1-10).
But THAT is what's so great about the BIBLE! The characters are flawed, human, real-- they make mistakes. This let's us know it's okay for us to make mistakes, too... but try to avoid leprosy.
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Helen Keller
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"Thou shalt not curse the deaf, nor put a stumblingblock before the blind, but shalt fear thy God: I am the LORD."
-- Leviticus 19:14
There are so many great Helen Keller jokes, it's not even funny.
Okay, it's pretty darn funny.
Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?
She was a woman.
How did Helen Keller burn her ear?
She answered the iron.
Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?
You would too, if your name was Ghhhhaaarrrfffllemmm.
Tasteless? Yup.
Insensitive? Sure.
Funny?
... Yes.
But Helen Keller is also venerated and revered and more of an abstract concept/figure to us these days, rather than an individual with feelings.
... or so I tell myself so I don't feel guilty.
I used to say it's easy to mock deaf people... it's not like they're gonna hear it!
Or feel free to make goofy faces at blind people... no harm, no foul!
Well... that's wrong.
It IS so easy, which is why we shouldn't do it!
It doesn't say, "Thou shalt not mock the 7 foot tall, 300 pound NFL linebacker."
Because we wouldn't do that... we're terrified!
And fear is a chief motivator for most laws.
But someone who can't see or hear us?
Like taking candy from a blind baby
(that's sad, I know... but it WOULD be easier than taking candy from a baby who could see)
Also, that's why the verse ends by telling us to "fear thy God"-- because God KNOWS we won't fear the blind of deaf people. They're not intimidating!... But God is.
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"Thou shalt not curse the deaf, nor put a stumblingblock before the blind, but shalt fear thy God: I am the LORD."
-- Leviticus 19:14
There are so many great Helen Keller jokes, it's not even funny.
Okay, it's pretty darn funny.
Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?
She was a woman.
How did Helen Keller burn her ear?
She answered the iron.
Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?
You would too, if your name was Ghhhhaaarrrfffllemmm.
Tasteless? Yup.
Insensitive? Sure.
Funny?
... Yes.
But Helen Keller is also venerated and revered and more of an abstract concept/figure to us these days, rather than an individual with feelings.
... or so I tell myself so I don't feel guilty.
I used to say it's easy to mock deaf people... it's not like they're gonna hear it!
Or feel free to make goofy faces at blind people... no harm, no foul!
Well... that's wrong.
It IS so easy, which is why we shouldn't do it!
It doesn't say, "Thou shalt not mock the 7 foot tall, 300 pound NFL linebacker."
Because we wouldn't do that... we're terrified!
And fear is a chief motivator for most laws.
But someone who can't see or hear us?
Like taking candy from a blind baby
(that's sad, I know... but it WOULD be easier than taking candy from a baby who could see)
Also, that's why the verse ends by telling us to "fear thy God"-- because God KNOWS we won't fear the blind of deaf people. They're not intimidating!... But God is.
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Inclined Plane
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We're all inclined towards certain behavior.
I know I am likely to play Solitaire on my computer more than, say... build a house for Habitat for Humanity.
Or more likely to eat an entire bag of Twizzlers than fold all the clean laundry.
That's just my natural inclination.
And I know that.
Well, guess what-- the Bible knows it, too!
"If thou meet thine enemy’s ox or his ass going astray, thou shalt surely bring it back to him again"
-- Ex. 23:4
The next verse elaborates, if you the animal of "him that hateth thee" struggling under a heavy burden of some kind "and wouldest forbear to help him, thou shalt surely help..."
Not only must you help the animal, you must do it BECAUSE you're inclined NOT to.
There is an old rabbinic teaching-- If you see your friend needs help AND your enemy needs help, you should help your enemy FIRST.
Why?
Because it goes against our natural inclination, and our goal in life should be to be good people, even when we don't WANT to be.
That's why the Bible doesn't say, "Thou shalt eat pizza and Ben & Jerry's"-- or
"Be usre thou watchest DVDs and love Tom Hanks and hate Paris Hilton."
These are our natural inclinations, we don't need to be TOLD to do this stuff. We'll do it anyway.
But to help our enemy's animal? We need to be told.
Another example:
"If a man have two wives, one beloved, and another hated," and they both have sons, but the hated wife's son is older, then the man "may not make the son of the beloved firstborn before the son of the hated;... he shall acknowledge the son of the hated for the firstborn" (Deut. 21:15-17)
See, the Bible KNOWS that a fellow would be inclined to favor his beloved wife's son as the eldest and deserving of the inheritance, but the Bible says NOPE! Fair is fair. Loved or hated, the eldest son is the eldest son.
"Thou shalt not hate thy brother in thine heart" (Leviticus 19:17)
Wow-- that is not easy... anyone who's ever driven through Jerusalem or traveled on New York City Mass Transit knows what a challenge that can be.
But that's the rub! Anyone can be nice to his/her friends... that's not an accomplishment! Like beating a toddler at Connect Four... big deal.
But to smile and be polite to someone you detest! Or to best a toddler at pants-pooping competition. Now THAT is something to be proud of.
.
there's no need.
We're all inclined towards certain behavior.
I know I am likely to play Solitaire on my computer more than, say... build a house for Habitat for Humanity.
Or more likely to eat an entire bag of Twizzlers than fold all the clean laundry.
That's just my natural inclination.
And I know that.
Well, guess what-- the Bible knows it, too!
"If thou meet thine enemy’s ox or his ass going astray, thou shalt surely bring it back to him again"
-- Ex. 23:4
The next verse elaborates, if you the animal of "him that hateth thee" struggling under a heavy burden of some kind "and wouldest forbear to help him, thou shalt surely help..."
Not only must you help the animal, you must do it BECAUSE you're inclined NOT to.
There is an old rabbinic teaching-- If you see your friend needs help AND your enemy needs help, you should help your enemy FIRST.
Why?
Because it goes against our natural inclination, and our goal in life should be to be good people, even when we don't WANT to be.
That's why the Bible doesn't say, "Thou shalt eat pizza and Ben & Jerry's"-- or
"Be usre thou watchest DVDs and love Tom Hanks and hate Paris Hilton."
These are our natural inclinations, we don't need to be TOLD to do this stuff. We'll do it anyway.
But to help our enemy's animal? We need to be told.
Another example:
"If a man have two wives, one beloved, and another hated," and they both have sons, but the hated wife's son is older, then the man "may not make the son of the beloved firstborn before the son of the hated;... he shall acknowledge the son of the hated for the firstborn" (Deut. 21:15-17)
See, the Bible KNOWS that a fellow would be inclined to favor his beloved wife's son as the eldest and deserving of the inheritance, but the Bible says NOPE! Fair is fair. Loved or hated, the eldest son is the eldest son.
"Thou shalt not hate thy brother in thine heart" (Leviticus 19:17)
Wow-- that is not easy... anyone who's ever driven through Jerusalem or traveled on New York City Mass Transit knows what a challenge that can be.
But that's the rub! Anyone can be nice to his/her friends... that's not an accomplishment! Like beating a toddler at Connect Four... big deal.
But to smile and be polite to someone you detest! Or to best a toddler at pants-pooping competition. Now THAT is something to be proud of.
.
there's no need.
Ma and Pa
One of my favorite teachings concerns the 5th commandment:
Thou shalt not buy retail.
zing!
Actually it's as follows:
"Honour thy father and mother..." -- Exodus 20:12
Curious considering the following:
"Ye shall fear every man his mother, and his father..." (Leviticus 19:3)
The most important rule in commentating on the Bible:
Always ask WHY!
So... what's the deal?
Why does the order change?
Honor Dad and Mom,
but Fear Mom and Dad?
If someone said,
"I love Jack and Diane... I respect Diane and Jack."
Oooooh.
That means something!
Well, according to the Rabbis, "Honour" is more closely connected to adoration, concern, the desire to care for.
Meanwhile, "Fear" refers to awe and respect.
So... why does the Bible say to adore your dad and mom, and be in awe of one's mom and dad?
Think about...
Time's up-- I love the reason many commentators give:
The Bible KNOWS our predispositions.
The Bible assumes a very stereotypical relationship one had towards one's parents.
To fear the father, and feel strong love for the mother.
The Bible warns us-- Hey! Compensate for your natural disposition.
You gotta respect your mama, too. And show your dad some sensitivity and affection!
Everybody needs both of those things now and then.
It's not enough to just respect someone, you gotta love them.
But just love isn't enough, either.
You gotta show a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
Find out what it means... to everyone.
Listen to Mom, Hug Dad.
... or whatever parental figures pop up in your life.
.
Thou shalt not buy retail.
zing!
Actually it's as follows:
"Honour thy father and mother..." -- Exodus 20:12
Curious considering the following:
"Ye shall fear every man his mother, and his father..." (Leviticus 19:3)
The most important rule in commentating on the Bible:
Always ask WHY!
So... what's the deal?
Why does the order change?
Honor Dad and Mom,
but Fear Mom and Dad?
If someone said,
"I love Jack and Diane... I respect Diane and Jack."
Oooooh.
That means something!
Well, according to the Rabbis, "Honour" is more closely connected to adoration, concern, the desire to care for.
Meanwhile, "Fear" refers to awe and respect.
So... why does the Bible say to adore your dad and mom, and be in awe of one's mom and dad?
Think about...
Time's up-- I love the reason many commentators give:
The Bible KNOWS our predispositions.
The Bible assumes a very stereotypical relationship one had towards one's parents.
To fear the father, and feel strong love for the mother.
The Bible warns us-- Hey! Compensate for your natural disposition.
You gotta respect your mama, too. And show your dad some sensitivity and affection!
Everybody needs both of those things now and then.
It's not enough to just respect someone, you gotta love them.
But just love isn't enough, either.
You gotta show a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
Find out what it means... to everyone.
Listen to Mom, Hug Dad.
... or whatever parental figures pop up in your life.
.
Appreciation Day
.
One of the many times when the Israelites ticked off God by praying to "other gods," the Almighty tells the petulant people:
"Yet ye have forsaken me, and served other gods: wherefore I will deliver you no more. Go and cry unto the gods which ye have chosen; let them deliver you in the time of your tribulation."
- Judges 10:13-14
Woah!
And the Passive-Agressive Award goes to... God!
Doesn't the Lord sound just like a spurned lover or bitter parent?
"Oh, you love the Canaanites' gods so much, go complain to them!"
"Why don't you just have that little Egyptian cat god cook you up some manna? If he's so great? Pray to your golden calf, see how far that gets you."
Moral of the story: No one likes being taken for granted-- human or diety.
It stinks.
With a somewhat antiquated and 1950s mindset, I remember coming home from college for vacation, weeks at a time, and my mom didn't always make dinner.
I know! What the hell?!
I thought, "What's going on here? What do I do? How do I eat?"
When my wife isn't home for dinner, I often resort to what my father's evening cuisine, served only when mom wasn't home: ice cream, bread and whatever condiments were in the fridge.
(sigh)
Don't ever take people for granted, especially the women in your life.
Tell them exactly how much they mean to you.
... or they might forsake you for another... like the Canaanites.
.
.
One of the many times when the Israelites ticked off God by praying to "other gods," the Almighty tells the petulant people:
"Yet ye have forsaken me, and served other gods: wherefore I will deliver you no more. Go and cry unto the gods which ye have chosen; let them deliver you in the time of your tribulation."
- Judges 10:13-14
Woah!
And the Passive-Agressive Award goes to... God!
Doesn't the Lord sound just like a spurned lover or bitter parent?
"Oh, you love the Canaanites' gods so much, go complain to them!"
"Why don't you just have that little Egyptian cat god cook you up some manna? If he's so great? Pray to your golden calf, see how far that gets you."
Moral of the story: No one likes being taken for granted-- human or diety.
It stinks.
With a somewhat antiquated and 1950s mindset, I remember coming home from college for vacation, weeks at a time, and my mom didn't always make dinner.
I know! What the hell?!
I thought, "What's going on here? What do I do? How do I eat?"
When my wife isn't home for dinner, I often resort to what my father's evening cuisine, served only when mom wasn't home: ice cream, bread and whatever condiments were in the fridge.
(sigh)
Don't ever take people for granted, especially the women in your life.
Tell them exactly how much they mean to you.
... or they might forsake you for another... like the Canaanites.
.
.
It's All Relative
.
I think Einstein had it right-- It's all relative.
"And Jacob served seven years for Rachel; and they seemed unto him but a few days, for the love he had to her." (Gen. 29:20)
You said, Bible!
There is an old quotation that I will now butcher:
When there is love between two people, they can sleep on a bed the width of a blade.
When there is hatred between two people, not even the entire world is big enough.
Amen.
When two people are getting along, they can drive cross-country in a VW bug.
If they're fighting, they can't drive to the drugstore three blocks away in the Partridge Family bus.
It's all relative.
The best bagel I've ever had was a plain, half-frozen Lender's bagel that I ate right after I finished the Yom Kippur fast one year.
My dad once went on a complete liquid diet, he didn't eat solid food for a week.
He thought he would completely lose his mind.
Then, one day, he was feeding his dog, and as he was scooping out the dog food from the can, he felt himself start to salivate.
"Y'know" he thought, "it doesn't look half bad."
That's when he decided to put down the can, go into the fridge and eat an apple.
He said it was the best damn apple he's ever had in his life.
It's all relative
.
I think Einstein had it right-- It's all relative.
"And Jacob served seven years for Rachel; and they seemed unto him but a few days, for the love he had to her." (Gen. 29:20)
You said, Bible!
There is an old quotation that I will now butcher:
When there is love between two people, they can sleep on a bed the width of a blade.
When there is hatred between two people, not even the entire world is big enough.
Amen.
When two people are getting along, they can drive cross-country in a VW bug.
If they're fighting, they can't drive to the drugstore three blocks away in the Partridge Family bus.
It's all relative.
The best bagel I've ever had was a plain, half-frozen Lender's bagel that I ate right after I finished the Yom Kippur fast one year.
My dad once went on a complete liquid diet, he didn't eat solid food for a week.
He thought he would completely lose his mind.
Then, one day, he was feeding his dog, and as he was scooping out the dog food from the can, he felt himself start to salivate.
"Y'know" he thought, "it doesn't look half bad."
That's when he decided to put down the can, go into the fridge and eat an apple.
He said it was the best damn apple he's ever had in his life.
It's all relative
.
"Who are you? Who? Who? Who? Who?" -- The Who
.
“When Judah saw her, he thought her to be a harlot, because she had covered her face” (v.15)
In case you forgot, Judah was the Tamar's Father-in-law! Ewwww.
Of course, his two sons that had been married to Tamar were dead at that point, and Judah's wife was dead, too... but still, ewwwwwww.
And remember—
Rachel and Leah-- Laban wanted to marry off his eldest daughter, Leah, so he tricked Jacob into marrying her instead of Rachel.
(Gen.29)
"Leah was tender eyed; but Rachel was beautiful and well favoured" (v.17)
And what happened?
"... and he loved also Rachel more than Leah..." (v.30)
Two instances when women's identity were concealed and it wreaked havoc!
Stop deceiving! No more veils!
This did not elicit the laughs of an "I Love Lucy" episode or "Bosom Buddies" storyline (which is a shame, because that would've been HILARIOUS!).
To quote the Genie from "Aladdin"-- "Remember: Beeee yourself."
It's who you are, and you'll end up being yourself anyway, so the sooner you embrace it, the better.
But God, being the ultimate practical joker, knew to even the scales:
"And when the LORD saw that Leah was hated, he opened her womb: but Rachel was barren." (v.31)
You can't have it all. Nobody is great at everything. Something's gotta give. All's fair... 'I' before 'E'... Don't tell me not to sit and putter...
.
“When Judah saw her, he thought her to be a harlot, because she had covered her face” (v.15)
In case you forgot, Judah was the Tamar's Father-in-law! Ewwww.
Of course, his two sons that had been married to Tamar were dead at that point, and Judah's wife was dead, too... but still, ewwwwwww.
And remember—
Rachel and Leah-- Laban wanted to marry off his eldest daughter, Leah, so he tricked Jacob into marrying her instead of Rachel.
(Gen.29)
"Leah was tender eyed; but Rachel was beautiful and well favoured" (v.17)
And what happened?
"... and he loved also Rachel more than Leah..." (v.30)
Two instances when women's identity were concealed and it wreaked havoc!
Stop deceiving! No more veils!
This did not elicit the laughs of an "I Love Lucy" episode or "Bosom Buddies" storyline (which is a shame, because that would've been HILARIOUS!).
To quote the Genie from "Aladdin"-- "Remember: Beeee yourself."
It's who you are, and you'll end up being yourself anyway, so the sooner you embrace it, the better.
But God, being the ultimate practical joker, knew to even the scales:
"And when the LORD saw that Leah was hated, he opened her womb: but Rachel was barren." (v.31)
You can't have it all. Nobody is great at everything. Something's gotta give. All's fair... 'I' before 'E'... Don't tell me not to sit and putter...
.
A Man's Word is his Bond
.
After the Israelites enter Canaan, Joshua dies and Judah takes over and they send spies into the land.
"And the spies saw a man come forth out of the city, and they said unto him, Shew us, we pray thee, the entrance into the city, and we will shew thee mercy. And when he shewed them the entrance into the city, they smote the city with the edge of the sword; but they let go the man and all his family."
-- Judges 1:24-25
All right! Be a man of word!
When you say you're gonna do something, you do it!
Like Joe Namath before Super Bowl III in 1967.
Or Scarlett O'Hara at the end of "Gone with the Wind"
(I assume she never went hungry again... there was no sequel to the film, so I guess it all worked out okay after that).
I make a habit of agreeing to do favors for people, when I know I probably won't follow through on them. My wife hates this.
"Can you pick up some eggs and milk today?"
"Absolutely."
[In my head: "...probably not gonna happen"]
I have learned it is better to just be honest...
If you're laying siege on a city and you honestly don't think you can spare the life of a friendly native, just be honest and kill him right then and there.
.
After the Israelites enter Canaan, Joshua dies and Judah takes over and they send spies into the land.
"And the spies saw a man come forth out of the city, and they said unto him, Shew us, we pray thee, the entrance into the city, and we will shew thee mercy. And when he shewed them the entrance into the city, they smote the city with the edge of the sword; but they let go the man and all his family."
-- Judges 1:24-25
All right! Be a man of word!
When you say you're gonna do something, you do it!
Like Joe Namath before Super Bowl III in 1967.
Or Scarlett O'Hara at the end of "Gone with the Wind"
(I assume she never went hungry again... there was no sequel to the film, so I guess it all worked out okay after that).
I make a habit of agreeing to do favors for people, when I know I probably won't follow through on them. My wife hates this.
"Can you pick up some eggs and milk today?"
"Absolutely."
[In my head: "...probably not gonna happen"]
I have learned it is better to just be honest...
If you're laying siege on a city and you honestly don't think you can spare the life of a friendly native, just be honest and kill him right then and there.
.
Don't Let Murder Slow You Down
.
An important lesson in the Bible and in life is "Don't judge!"
Or, judge slowly.
or
-- Give people the benefit of the doubt.
Because you never know what they might be dealing with.
Moses is raised in the palace of the Pharaoh in Egypt, (Exodus 2:10).
But the first action he takes (that's mentioned in the Bible) is to murder a guy!
He saw a taskmaster "he spied an Egyptian smiting an Hebrew" (Ex. 2:11).
Then what?
"And he looked this way and that way, and when he saw that there was no man, he slew the Egyptian, and hid him in the sand." (Ex. 2:12)
Woah! It wasn't like in "Prince of Egypt", where Moses is so upset and overcome with pity/rage that he pushes the taskmaster off scaffolding!
No!
He looked "this way and that way" to make sure nobody saw, killed the guy and hid the body!
If the film "Goodfellas" taught me anything, it's that you MUST hide the body.
Moses must have seen that, too.
But hey-- Moses goes on to do great things, is arguably the most venerated and righteous dude in the Bible... until that other guy comes along... Annakin... I mean Jesus.
So... the road to success is paved with failure... and murder!
Pobody's Nerfect.
.
An important lesson in the Bible and in life is "Don't judge!"
Or, judge slowly.
or
-- Give people the benefit of the doubt.
Because you never know what they might be dealing with.
Moses is raised in the palace of the Pharaoh in Egypt, (Exodus 2:10).
But the first action he takes (that's mentioned in the Bible) is to murder a guy!
He saw a taskmaster "he spied an Egyptian smiting an Hebrew" (Ex. 2:11).
Then what?
"And he looked this way and that way, and when he saw that there was no man, he slew the Egyptian, and hid him in the sand." (Ex. 2:12)
Woah! It wasn't like in "Prince of Egypt", where Moses is so upset and overcome with pity/rage that he pushes the taskmaster off scaffolding!
No!
He looked "this way and that way" to make sure nobody saw, killed the guy and hid the body!
If the film "Goodfellas" taught me anything, it's that you MUST hide the body.
Moses must have seen that, too.
But hey-- Moses goes on to do great things, is arguably the most venerated and righteous dude in the Bible... until that other guy comes along... Annakin... I mean Jesus.
So... the road to success is paved with failure... and murder!
Pobody's Nerfect.
.
The Name Game
.
The Bible places great emphasis on names and their meaning.
Ya'akov was so named because "his hand took hold on Esau's heel, and his name was Jacob" (Gen.25:26) because the Hebrew word for heel is "Ekev" and that turns into Ya'akov.
Brilliant!
When my older brother was living in South Dakota about ten summers back, he stayed with a family of Native Americans. The N.A. closest in age to my brother was named Raymond, his last name... I am not kidding... "Uses The Knife." I know this because when my brother would call home the caller I.D. would show "USES THE KNI," because that's all the room there was on the little I.D. screen. My Dad would ask, "Are you sure it's your older brother calling?"
Hm... Yeah, Dad, pretty sure. Unless our phone is turning "super-computer smart" and urging me to begin murdering on its behalf.
And my mom would tell friends, "Yes, our eldest son is living with a Native American fellow, Raymond Holds The Knife."
I would interrupt-- "Mom! It's USES The Knife!"
To which she would respond, "So what? It's probably like Goldsteen and Goldstein."
You say Tomato.... I say Potato.
"I'm American, Sweetie. Our names don't mean shit."
-- Butch, "Pulp Fiction"
(Quentin Tarantino)
.
The Bible places great emphasis on names and their meaning.
Ya'akov was so named because "his hand took hold on Esau's heel, and his name was Jacob" (Gen.25:26) because the Hebrew word for heel is "Ekev" and that turns into Ya'akov.
Brilliant!
When my older brother was living in South Dakota about ten summers back, he stayed with a family of Native Americans. The N.A. closest in age to my brother was named Raymond, his last name... I am not kidding... "Uses The Knife." I know this because when my brother would call home the caller I.D. would show "USES THE KNI," because that's all the room there was on the little I.D. screen. My Dad would ask, "Are you sure it's your older brother calling?"
Hm... Yeah, Dad, pretty sure. Unless our phone is turning "super-computer smart" and urging me to begin murdering on its behalf.
And my mom would tell friends, "Yes, our eldest son is living with a Native American fellow, Raymond Holds The Knife."
I would interrupt-- "Mom! It's USES The Knife!"
To which she would respond, "So what? It's probably like Goldsteen and Goldstein."
You say Tomato.... I say Potato.
"I'm American, Sweetie. Our names don't mean shit."
-- Butch, "Pulp Fiction"
(Quentin Tarantino)
.
Sunday, February 7
"Go down, Moses"
.
In my last entry I regaled you with a story about God offering the Torah (5 books of Moses) to every nation on earth. They all refused it… except the Israelites.
I was confused when I first heard this.
I found it hard to believe.
(what? no haggling? why not 8 books of Moses?)
I grew up thinking God gave Moses the ten commandments on Mount Sinai,
Not the whole Torah!
I had a T.M.B.S. moment!
Remember: This Movie’s Bull Shit!
The moment when you inexplicably stop believing a movie’s storyline, a storyline that was implausible from the beginning anyway.
Recently the comedian Doug Benson pointed out:
In the film “Avatar,” the army general tells the new recruits, “You’re not in Kansas anymore.” Really? It’s 160 years in the future and people are STILL making “Wizard of Oz” references? They haven’t even advanced to “Wicked?”
Good point… But if that’s where you draw the line for believability, you won’t like the remaining two hours of giant blue cat people living on Pandora!
We all have those moments while reading the Bible, too.
“oh, come ON”
Really? Now you draw the line?
THAT’S what you’re taking umbrage with?
(My mom used to say that—honey it’s raining, remember to take an umbrage)
MAYBE the ten commandments, God says, here- take these two tablets call me in the morning
So Moses COULD take the two pieces of stone (10 commandments)… but the whole Torah? That’s a whole lotta tablets. He’d have to make like 600 trips up and down Mount Sinai… he’d get a hernia before he was done with Genesis!
I don’t know why this stuck in my mind.
Adam and Eve and the snake—Okay
Noah and the animals on the boat—no problem
The Ten Plagues and the Parting of the Red Sea—sure!
But Moses bringing a BOOK down from the mountain?
No way!
I call B.S.!
Anyway, there is STILL some wisdom to be taken.
Don’t throw out the baby with the bath water.
.
In my last entry I regaled you with a story about God offering the Torah (5 books of Moses) to every nation on earth. They all refused it… except the Israelites.
I was confused when I first heard this.
I found it hard to believe.
(what? no haggling? why not 8 books of Moses?)
I grew up thinking God gave Moses the ten commandments on Mount Sinai,
Not the whole Torah!
I had a T.M.B.S. moment!
Remember: This Movie’s Bull Shit!
The moment when you inexplicably stop believing a movie’s storyline, a storyline that was implausible from the beginning anyway.
Recently the comedian Doug Benson pointed out:
In the film “Avatar,” the army general tells the new recruits, “You’re not in Kansas anymore.” Really? It’s 160 years in the future and people are STILL making “Wizard of Oz” references? They haven’t even advanced to “Wicked?”
Good point… But if that’s where you draw the line for believability, you won’t like the remaining two hours of giant blue cat people living on Pandora!
We all have those moments while reading the Bible, too.
“oh, come ON”
Really? Now you draw the line?
THAT’S what you’re taking umbrage with?
(My mom used to say that—honey it’s raining, remember to take an umbrage)
MAYBE the ten commandments, God says, here- take these two tablets call me in the morning
So Moses COULD take the two pieces of stone (10 commandments)… but the whole Torah? That’s a whole lotta tablets. He’d have to make like 600 trips up and down Mount Sinai… he’d get a hernia before he was done with Genesis!
I don’t know why this stuck in my mind.
Adam and Eve and the snake—Okay
Noah and the animals on the boat—no problem
The Ten Plagues and the Parting of the Red Sea—sure!
But Moses bringing a BOOK down from the mountain?
No way!
I call B.S.!
Anyway, there is STILL some wisdom to be taken.
Don’t throw out the baby with the bath water.
.
“I Choo-Choo-Choose You…” -- Ralph Wiggum
.
Back in the early 1990s, when my now-wife was in third grade, she acted in her class play, titled “The Torah.”
The play told the story of how the Israelites received the 5 books of Moses from God at Mount Sinai.
My wife played China.
I know what you’re thinking,
“Wow, I bet Aaron is more manly and virile than his name suggests” (you would be wrong)
Also,
“Aaron, China isn’t in the story of Mount Sinai!”
Well, naïve reader, that’s where you’re wrong.
This particular play was based on a midrash (a Rabbinic folk story—written to fill the gaps of the Bible) — God went shopping around, offering the Torah (the first five books of the Bible) to every nation in the world. Every nation turns it down… except the Israelites.
When God asked China (my wife) if it (she) wanted the Torah, my (then) 8 year old-Chinese wife recited the following rhyming couplet:
Wing Wong, Wing Wong
Ah-cha-chee/
Torah Zot
Lo beesh’veelee/
Translated into English:
Wing Wong, Wing Wong
Ah-cha-chee/
This Torah
Is Not For Me/
Marvelous.
The moral of the story—third graders are racist.
No. Actually, today my wife is extremely embarrassed and kinda ashamed about this.
… so she must love this blog entry!
The moral of the story--- The Israelites were God’s chosen people.
Does that mean Jews today are better than every other nation in the world?
Yes, it does.
What?!
Being the “chosen people”—what does that even mean?
First, let’s look at half of Deuteronomy 14:2 from three different typoes of Bibles. First, from the Jewish Publication Society:
“…The Lord your God chose you from among all other peoples on earth to be His treasured people.”
Wow, sounds pretty good for the Jews.
But wait—here’s what the Kings James Version says:
“… the LORD hath chosen thee to be a peculiar people unto himself, above all the nations that are upon the earth.”
Woah! Kinda different.
And finally, from the New American Standard Bible:
“… the LORD has chosen you to be a people for His own possession out of all the peoples.”
The Israelites are described (respectively) as
“treasured,”
“peculiar”
and “His own possession.”
They all mean ALMOST the same thing… but not quite.
It comes from the Hebrew word “seg-ool-la,” connoting wealth—jewel-like, peculiar (as in a treasure), good, special.
After all, jewels are unique— that’s what makes them so valuable.
But “peculiar” or “special”...
“Timmy bites the heads off Barbie dolls… he’s special.”
I don’t think the KJV wants to admit that the ancestors of the Jews were a “treasured” people.
Okay, now Isaiah 42:6--
From the Jewish Publication Society Bible:
“…a covenant people, a light of nations, opening eyes deprived of light”
And
King James Version Bible:
“…and give thee for a covenant of the people, for a light of the Gentiles”
And
New American Standard Bible:
“…and I will appoint You as a covenant to the people, as a light to the nations,”
So what does it mean?
To be a “light to/of the nations”?
I think the Jews are like the first of your friends to read Harry Potter.
“Wow! You gotta read this book, it’s amazing!”
or
Or Mr. Schuester from the TV show “Glee,” the teacher who looks like Justin Timberlake. He believes he has a responsibility to help others achieve their full potential. And that’s the goal Jews should have.
“We therefore affirm not that we are better, but that we ought to be better.”
-- Morris Joseph
In other words, set an example!
“Be just, compassionate, lead by example, be a light unto the nations”
-- Emet Ve-Emunah: Statement of Principles of Conservative Judaism
Show others the way.
What way? The way to behave, to respect others, to “love thy neighbor as thyself.”
But I gotta admit, it feels kinda good to be (somewhat) affiliated with the Ancient Near Eastern theological equivalent of the first of your friends to discover an indie rock band, "Hey, check out this fresh sound!"
Now, some final words from the remarkably similar Book of Deuteronomy and Mark Twain:
"The Lord did not set his love upon you, nor choose you, because you were more in number than any people; for you were the fewest of all people; but because the Lord loved you, and because he would keep the oath which he had sworn unto your ancestors."
(Deuteronomy 7:7-8)
"If the statistics are right, the Jews constitute but one percent of the human race… Properly the Jew ought hardly to be heard of, but he is heard of, has always been heard of. He is as prominent on the planet as any other people… He has made a marvelous fight in the world, in all the ages; and has done it with his hands tied behind him… The Egyptian, the Babylonian, and the Persian rose, filled the planet with sound and splendor, then faded to dream-stuff and passed away; the Greek and the Roman followed, and made a vast noise, and they are gone; other peoples have sprung up and held their torch high for a time, but it burned out, and they sit in twilight now, or have vanished. The Jew saw them all, beat them all, and is now what he always was… All things are mortal but the Jew; all other forces pass, but he remains. What is the secret of his immortality?"
--Mark Twain
Back in the early 1990s, when my now-wife was in third grade, she acted in her class play, titled “The Torah.”
The play told the story of how the Israelites received the 5 books of Moses from God at Mount Sinai.
My wife played China.
I know what you’re thinking,
“Wow, I bet Aaron is more manly and virile than his name suggests” (you would be wrong)
Also,
“Aaron, China isn’t in the story of Mount Sinai!”
Well, naïve reader, that’s where you’re wrong.
This particular play was based on a midrash (a Rabbinic folk story—written to fill the gaps of the Bible) — God went shopping around, offering the Torah (the first five books of the Bible) to every nation in the world. Every nation turns it down… except the Israelites.
When God asked China (my wife) if it (she) wanted the Torah, my (then) 8 year old-Chinese wife recited the following rhyming couplet:
Wing Wong, Wing Wong
Ah-cha-chee/
Torah Zot
Lo beesh’veelee/
Translated into English:
Wing Wong, Wing Wong
Ah-cha-chee/
This Torah
Is Not For Me/
Marvelous.
The moral of the story—third graders are racist.
No. Actually, today my wife is extremely embarrassed and kinda ashamed about this.
… so she must love this blog entry!
The moral of the story--- The Israelites were God’s chosen people.
Does that mean Jews today are better than every other nation in the world?
Yes, it does.
What?!
Being the “chosen people”—what does that even mean?
First, let’s look at half of Deuteronomy 14:2 from three different typoes of Bibles. First, from the Jewish Publication Society:
“…The Lord your God chose you from among all other peoples on earth to be His treasured people.”
Wow, sounds pretty good for the Jews.
But wait—here’s what the Kings James Version says:
“… the LORD hath chosen thee to be a peculiar people unto himself, above all the nations that are upon the earth.”
Woah! Kinda different.
And finally, from the New American Standard Bible:
“… the LORD has chosen you to be a people for His own possession out of all the peoples.”
The Israelites are described (respectively) as
“treasured,”
“peculiar”
and “His own possession.”
They all mean ALMOST the same thing… but not quite.
It comes from the Hebrew word “seg-ool-la,” connoting wealth—jewel-like, peculiar (as in a treasure), good, special.
After all, jewels are unique— that’s what makes them so valuable.
But “peculiar” or “special”...
“Timmy bites the heads off Barbie dolls… he’s special.”
I don’t think the KJV wants to admit that the ancestors of the Jews were a “treasured” people.
Okay, now Isaiah 42:6--
From the Jewish Publication Society Bible:
“…a covenant people, a light of nations, opening eyes deprived of light”
And
King James Version Bible:
“…and give thee for a covenant of the people, for a light of the Gentiles”
And
New American Standard Bible:
“…and I will appoint You as a covenant to the people, as a light to the nations,”
So what does it mean?
To be a “light to/of the nations”?
I think the Jews are like the first of your friends to read Harry Potter.
“Wow! You gotta read this book, it’s amazing!”
or
Or Mr. Schuester from the TV show “Glee,” the teacher who looks like Justin Timberlake. He believes he has a responsibility to help others achieve their full potential. And that’s the goal Jews should have.
“We therefore affirm not that we are better, but that we ought to be better.”
-- Morris Joseph
In other words, set an example!
“Be just, compassionate, lead by example, be a light unto the nations”
-- Emet Ve-Emunah: Statement of Principles of Conservative Judaism
Show others the way.
What way? The way to behave, to respect others, to “love thy neighbor as thyself.”
But I gotta admit, it feels kinda good to be (somewhat) affiliated with the Ancient Near Eastern theological equivalent of the first of your friends to discover an indie rock band, "Hey, check out this fresh sound!"
Now, some final words from the remarkably similar Book of Deuteronomy and Mark Twain:
"The Lord did not set his love upon you, nor choose you, because you were more in number than any people; for you were the fewest of all people; but because the Lord loved you, and because he would keep the oath which he had sworn unto your ancestors."
(Deuteronomy 7:7-8)
"If the statistics are right, the Jews constitute but one percent of the human race… Properly the Jew ought hardly to be heard of, but he is heard of, has always been heard of. He is as prominent on the planet as any other people… He has made a marvelous fight in the world, in all the ages; and has done it with his hands tied behind him… The Egyptian, the Babylonian, and the Persian rose, filled the planet with sound and splendor, then faded to dream-stuff and passed away; the Greek and the Roman followed, and made a vast noise, and they are gone; other peoples have sprung up and held their torch high for a time, but it burned out, and they sit in twilight now, or have vanished. The Jew saw them all, beat them all, and is now what he always was… All things are mortal but the Jew; all other forces pass, but he remains. What is the secret of his immortality?"
--Mark Twain
Thursday, February 4
“Don't come in! I'm, uh... I was just… brushing my teeth!”
.
“Thou shalt not hate thy brother in thine heart: thou shalt in any wise rebuke thy neighbour, and not suffer sin upon him.”
-- Leviticus 19:17
There is a phrase in Hebrew: Halbanat ha-Panim, which literally means “whitening the face”— i.e., causing someone to blanch by public embarrassment.
Rabbis from 2000 years ago even said embarrassing someone is considered the equivalent of murder!
Let’s not get too excited. After all, according to Maimonides, the great 12th century Jewish philosopher, pleasuring oneself is also considered the equivalent of killing someone (Mishneh Torah, Hilchot Issurei Biya 21:18).
Jesus on Jalopy!
“Marge, EVERYTHING is a sin. You ever sat down and read this thing?
[holds up a bible]
Technically, we're not allowed to go to the bathroom!”
--Reverand Lovejoy
(“The Simpsons”, written by Greg Daniels, Season 5, airdate 5/19/94)
If you’ll recall my previous entry, I discussed ch.38 of Genesis, Onan and how he wasn’t … “Master of his domain,” and how traditional Judea-Christian theologies vilify self-gratification.
Even if you believe that, according to the above source—
embarrassing someone is just as awful as... um… playing one man tug of war.
The Talmud even says, "It is better to throw oneself into a burning furnace than to embarrass someone in public."
Rabbi Chaim of Volozhin, Keser Rosh (Siddur Hagra), 143.
This is ironic, since (in the Onan story) Judah was ready to do that to his daughter-in-law, Tamar, after her husband pleasured himself—
Judah says, “Bring her forth and let her be burnt”(Gen. 38:24).
Now, back to Leviticus 19:17-- keep in mind this immediately precedes the verse that mentions “Love thy neighbor as thyself”—so we can assume this is a pretty crucial decree, mentioned in the same grouping with the Golden Rule, itself.
The end of the verse says
“…thou shalt in any wise rebuke thy neighbour, and not suffer sin upon him.”
In the Hebrew Bible, the end of the verse is “and do not sin through him.” We are taught
'Do not sin through him' means by embarrassing him publicly (Arkhin 16b; Sefer HaMitzvoth). This is also a general commandment not to embarrass a person publicly (Ibid.).
Ironic, since most of our MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENTS involve another person catching us whilst in the act of self-gratification.
I can only speak for my gender here, but…
Every guy has a story— every guy has been walked in on. While lost in a reverie of naughty salaciousness, happily bending to the will of the one-eyed warrior, without warning that door swings open—
OH NO!
Embarrassment Galore!
In that situation, I beg of you—
leave, close the door behind you, never speak of it again and forget you saw anything… okay, Grandma?
Ha ha, I’m just kidding
… she has cataracts, there’s no way she saw.
I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again—
Pobody’s Nerfect.
Even if you don’t take part in self-gratification,
Everyone gets embarrassed.
We’ve all been there—
you feel ashamed, your cheeks flush, the blood rushes to your head, you sweat, close your eyes and wish there were a hole you could get into…
Meanwhile, getting embarrassed is awful!
.
“Thou shalt not hate thy brother in thine heart: thou shalt in any wise rebuke thy neighbour, and not suffer sin upon him.”
-- Leviticus 19:17
There is a phrase in Hebrew: Halbanat ha-Panim, which literally means “whitening the face”— i.e., causing someone to blanch by public embarrassment.
Rabbis from 2000 years ago even said embarrassing someone is considered the equivalent of murder!
Let’s not get too excited. After all, according to Maimonides, the great 12th century Jewish philosopher, pleasuring oneself is also considered the equivalent of killing someone (Mishneh Torah, Hilchot Issurei Biya 21:18).
Jesus on Jalopy!
“Marge, EVERYTHING is a sin. You ever sat down and read this thing?
[holds up a bible]
Technically, we're not allowed to go to the bathroom!”
--Reverand Lovejoy
(“The Simpsons”, written by Greg Daniels, Season 5, airdate 5/19/94)
If you’ll recall my previous entry, I discussed ch.38 of Genesis, Onan and how he wasn’t … “Master of his domain,” and how traditional Judea-Christian theologies vilify self-gratification.
Even if you believe that, according to the above source—
embarrassing someone is just as awful as... um… playing one man tug of war.
The Talmud even says, "It is better to throw oneself into a burning furnace than to embarrass someone in public."
Rabbi Chaim of Volozhin, Keser Rosh (Siddur Hagra), 143.
This is ironic, since (in the Onan story) Judah was ready to do that to his daughter-in-law, Tamar, after her husband pleasured himself—
Judah says, “Bring her forth and let her be burnt”(Gen. 38:24).
Now, back to Leviticus 19:17-- keep in mind this immediately precedes the verse that mentions “Love thy neighbor as thyself”—so we can assume this is a pretty crucial decree, mentioned in the same grouping with the Golden Rule, itself.
The end of the verse says
“…thou shalt in any wise rebuke thy neighbour, and not suffer sin upon him.”
In the Hebrew Bible, the end of the verse is “and do not sin through him.” We are taught
'Do not sin through him' means by embarrassing him publicly (Arkhin 16b; Sefer HaMitzvoth). This is also a general commandment not to embarrass a person publicly (Ibid.).
Ironic, since most of our MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENTS involve another person catching us whilst in the act of self-gratification.
I can only speak for my gender here, but…
Every guy has a story— every guy has been walked in on. While lost in a reverie of naughty salaciousness, happily bending to the will of the one-eyed warrior, without warning that door swings open—
OH NO!
Embarrassment Galore!
In that situation, I beg of you—
leave, close the door behind you, never speak of it again and forget you saw anything… okay, Grandma?
Ha ha, I’m just kidding
… she has cataracts, there’s no way she saw.
I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again—
Pobody’s Nerfect.
Even if you don’t take part in self-gratification,
Everyone gets embarrassed.
We’ve all been there—
you feel ashamed, your cheeks flush, the blood rushes to your head, you sweat, close your eyes and wish there were a hole you could get into…
Meanwhile, getting embarrassed is awful!
.
Tuesday, February 2
"Master of your domain" - Seinfeld
.
If you haven’t read chapter 38 of Genesis, I highly recommend it.
It’s 30 verses you won’t forget, reminiscent of chapters 19 and 34 of Genesis.
If you’ll recall, in chapter 19 the evil folks of Sodom try to rape two angels, God destroys Sodom and then Lot’s daughters get their dad drunk and have sex with him.
In chapter 34, Jacob’s daughter Dina is raped by a prince of Shechem, so her brothers (Simeon and Levi) murder the prince and every male citizen of Schechem… after they’ve all circumcised themselves.
Like these two chapters, chapter 38 is often overlooked in Sunday/Hebrew School studies.
Probably because it is lewd, lascivious and violent.
In other words— not to be missed!
Smack-dab in the middle of the Joseph story (between his becoming a slave and moving to Egypt) we have this interlude about his step-brother!
I’ll summarize Genesis, ch. 38 for you:
Judah, on of Jacob’s 11 sons, marries Shuah. They have three sons: Er, Onan, and Shelah.
Er marries a girl named Tamar.
God kills Er.
So Judah tells his second-born son, Onan, to marry Tamar, as was the custom.
Onan refuses. Instead, he (ahem)... pleasures himself.
God kills Onan.
But wait, it gets better!
Judah’s wife dies (count it up— the poor guy’s now lost two sons and a wife).
Then Tamar, wearing a veil, propositions Judah. Judah “thought her to be an harlot… for he knew not that she was his daughter in law” (v.15,16).
She asks for his bracelets, signet ring, and staff.
“And he gave it her, and he came in unto her, and she conceived by him” (v.18)
Three months later, Judah is told “Tamar thy daughter in law hath played the harlot, and behold she is with child.”
Judah, ever compassionate, says, “Bring her forth and let her be burnt”
(v.24).
Wow, so sensitive, Judah.
But Tamar, ever the shrewd lady, whips our her father-in-law’s ring, bracelets and staff and says, “By the man whose these are, am I with child”
(v.25)
Judah is humbled and “acknowledged them, and said, ‘She hath been more righteous than I’” (v.26). And they let Tamar live, she gives birth to twins, all’s well…
Oh, and by the way, it says about Judah and Tamar’s physical relationship—“he knew her again no more” (v.26).
So… he learned HIS lesson.
“Hey, Judah— No more cussing, no fighting, and absolutely, positively… no more incest! And I mean it this time.”
(sigh)
Okay, where to begin?
This is like the movie “Chinatown” meets “Dynasty,” with a hint of “There’s Something About Mary.”
Now, a few incidentals:
After Er died, Onan was obligated to marry Tamar, his dead brother’s widow (a.k.a., a Levirate marriage: if a married man dies before having kids, the dead man’s brother must marry his widow, to perpetuate the family name of the eldest son, Deut. 25:5).
Let’s look at verses 7 through 10, from Er’s death to Onan’s death, four of the most intriguing verses in the Bible:
“And Er, Judah’s firstborn, was wicked in the sight of the LORD; and the LORD slew him.
And Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto thy brother’s wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to thy brother.
And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother’s wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother.
And the thing which he did displeased the Lord wherefore he slew him also” (v.7-10).
Remember “wherefore” means “(that’s) why” (i.e., “Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?”)
Let’s ask Rashi, the great 11th century French Rabbi, who wrote the first comprehensive commentary on the (Hebrew) Bible and the Talmud.
Rashi says the word “also” means God killed Onan for the same reason God killed Er. We can therefore deduce that Er must have also been, um… sanding the obelisk, so God killed him.
Then when Onan did the same thing, God “slew him also.”
Rashi explains that Er did not want to impregnate Tamar, believing that “she should not bear children and her beauty thereby become impaired” (Talmud, Yevamot 34b).
Okay, that kinda makes sense. He didn’t want his wife to lose her figure.
But it’s still selfish.
As we know, the perpetuation of mankind is more important that keeping fit.
The first commandment of the entire Bible: “…God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply…(Genesis 1:28).
Now, some say the real sin of Onan was spite! He resented the marriage to his sister-in-law, especially because “the seed should not be his”-- any kids they’d have would be counted as his dead brother’s offspring, not his own!
So maybe the rule is… don’t have angry sex?
By the way—this is how we get the word onanism, referring to self-gratification, “coitus interruptus,” or … taking little Elvis to Graceland.
Okay, here’s what I think happened—
In Genesis (ch.1), people are told to multiply, have kids.
Then, later in Genesis (ch.38) a bitter brother-in-law refuses to impregnate his dead brother’s sister. Somehow, over the years, this morphed into “Only have sex for procreation, don’t shake hands with RumpleForeskin in the privacy of your own room, by yourself.”
a.k.a., “Don’t spill your seed”
—whenever I read this phrase I imagine the Three Stooges carrying three huge oil drums through the living of a pristine mansion, careful not to spill them (what the drums are filled with—I’d rather not think about that).
Not sure why.
According to Maimonides, the great 12th century Jewish philosopher, pleasuring oneself is strictly forbidden and is regarded as equivalent to killing a human being (Mishneh Torah, Hilchot Issurei Biya 21:18).
Say what???
Okay, maybe Maimonides wasn’t so great.
Judaism stuck with this prohibition against vistiting Thumbelina and her four friends” and, naturally, the Catholic Church took this ball of guilt and ran with it.
So it’s akin to murder!
Ironic, really, because if a teenaged male does not “gratify himself”, he quite possibly WILL kill somebody.
“We have to do it. It’s a part of our lifestyle. Like shaving.”
-- Seinfeld
“We just need the release… For guys, it’s just something we need to do so we don’t murder people. It’s just maintenance, open the… valve.”
Louis C.K.
Bottom line?
We are not struggling to survive, deathly dependent on perpetuating our species (like Adam and Eve). And, hopefully, when you get romantic (either alone or with a partner) you aren’t stewing in resentment and spite, like Onan (most likely) was.
So… times change. And an imagination is a terrible thing to waste.
“I don’t want anybody else, when I think about you…”
-- The Divinyls
.
If you haven’t read chapter 38 of Genesis, I highly recommend it.
It’s 30 verses you won’t forget, reminiscent of chapters 19 and 34 of Genesis.
If you’ll recall, in chapter 19 the evil folks of Sodom try to rape two angels, God destroys Sodom and then Lot’s daughters get their dad drunk and have sex with him.
In chapter 34, Jacob’s daughter Dina is raped by a prince of Shechem, so her brothers (Simeon and Levi) murder the prince and every male citizen of Schechem… after they’ve all circumcised themselves.
Like these two chapters, chapter 38 is often overlooked in Sunday/Hebrew School studies.
Probably because it is lewd, lascivious and violent.
In other words— not to be missed!
Smack-dab in the middle of the Joseph story (between his becoming a slave and moving to Egypt) we have this interlude about his step-brother!
I’ll summarize Genesis, ch. 38 for you:
Judah, on of Jacob’s 11 sons, marries Shuah. They have three sons: Er, Onan, and Shelah.
Er marries a girl named Tamar.
God kills Er.
So Judah tells his second-born son, Onan, to marry Tamar, as was the custom.
Onan refuses. Instead, he (ahem)... pleasures himself.
God kills Onan.
But wait, it gets better!
Judah’s wife dies (count it up— the poor guy’s now lost two sons and a wife).
Then Tamar, wearing a veil, propositions Judah. Judah “thought her to be an harlot… for he knew not that she was his daughter in law” (v.15,16).
She asks for his bracelets, signet ring, and staff.
“And he gave it her, and he came in unto her, and she conceived by him” (v.18)
Three months later, Judah is told “Tamar thy daughter in law hath played the harlot, and behold she is with child.”
Judah, ever compassionate, says, “Bring her forth and let her be burnt”
(v.24).
Wow, so sensitive, Judah.
But Tamar, ever the shrewd lady, whips our her father-in-law’s ring, bracelets and staff and says, “By the man whose these are, am I with child”
(v.25)
Judah is humbled and “acknowledged them, and said, ‘She hath been more righteous than I’” (v.26). And they let Tamar live, she gives birth to twins, all’s well…
Oh, and by the way, it says about Judah and Tamar’s physical relationship—“he knew her again no more” (v.26).
So… he learned HIS lesson.
“Hey, Judah— No more cussing, no fighting, and absolutely, positively… no more incest! And I mean it this time.”
(sigh)
Okay, where to begin?
This is like the movie “Chinatown” meets “Dynasty,” with a hint of “There’s Something About Mary.”
Now, a few incidentals:
After Er died, Onan was obligated to marry Tamar, his dead brother’s widow (a.k.a., a Levirate marriage: if a married man dies before having kids, the dead man’s brother must marry his widow, to perpetuate the family name of the eldest son, Deut. 25:5).
Let’s look at verses 7 through 10, from Er’s death to Onan’s death, four of the most intriguing verses in the Bible:
“And Er, Judah’s firstborn, was wicked in the sight of the LORD; and the LORD slew him.
And Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto thy brother’s wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to thy brother.
And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother’s wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother.
And the thing which he did displeased the Lord wherefore he slew him also” (v.7-10).
Remember “wherefore” means “(that’s) why” (i.e., “Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?”)
Let’s ask Rashi, the great 11th century French Rabbi, who wrote the first comprehensive commentary on the (Hebrew) Bible and the Talmud.
Rashi says the word “also” means God killed Onan for the same reason God killed Er. We can therefore deduce that Er must have also been, um… sanding the obelisk, so God killed him.
Then when Onan did the same thing, God “slew him also.”
Rashi explains that Er did not want to impregnate Tamar, believing that “she should not bear children and her beauty thereby become impaired” (Talmud, Yevamot 34b).
Okay, that kinda makes sense. He didn’t want his wife to lose her figure.
But it’s still selfish.
As we know, the perpetuation of mankind is more important that keeping fit.
The first commandment of the entire Bible: “…God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply…(Genesis 1:28).
Now, some say the real sin of Onan was spite! He resented the marriage to his sister-in-law, especially because “the seed should not be his”-- any kids they’d have would be counted as his dead brother’s offspring, not his own!
So maybe the rule is… don’t have angry sex?
By the way—this is how we get the word onanism, referring to self-gratification, “coitus interruptus,” or … taking little Elvis to Graceland.
Okay, here’s what I think happened—
In Genesis (ch.1), people are told to multiply, have kids.
Then, later in Genesis (ch.38) a bitter brother-in-law refuses to impregnate his dead brother’s sister. Somehow, over the years, this morphed into “Only have sex for procreation, don’t shake hands with RumpleForeskin in the privacy of your own room, by yourself.”
a.k.a., “Don’t spill your seed”
—whenever I read this phrase I imagine the Three Stooges carrying three huge oil drums through the living of a pristine mansion, careful not to spill them (what the drums are filled with—I’d rather not think about that).
Not sure why.
According to Maimonides, the great 12th century Jewish philosopher, pleasuring oneself is strictly forbidden and is regarded as equivalent to killing a human being (Mishneh Torah, Hilchot Issurei Biya 21:18).
Say what???
Okay, maybe Maimonides wasn’t so great.
Judaism stuck with this prohibition against vistiting Thumbelina and her four friends” and, naturally, the Catholic Church took this ball of guilt and ran with it.
So it’s akin to murder!
Ironic, really, because if a teenaged male does not “gratify himself”, he quite possibly WILL kill somebody.
“We have to do it. It’s a part of our lifestyle. Like shaving.”
-- Seinfeld
“We just need the release… For guys, it’s just something we need to do so we don’t murder people. It’s just maintenance, open the… valve.”
Louis C.K.
Bottom line?
We are not struggling to survive, deathly dependent on perpetuating our species (like Adam and Eve). And, hopefully, when you get romantic (either alone or with a partner) you aren’t stewing in resentment and spite, like Onan (most likely) was.
So… times change. And an imagination is a terrible thing to waste.
“I don’t want anybody else, when I think about you…”
-- The Divinyls
.
Monday, February 1
"I am woman, hear me roar"
.
What do many traditional Jews and the Pharaoh from Exodus have in common?
They don't think women need to pray!
"And Pharaoh’s servants said unto him,... Let the men go, that they may serve the LORD... And Moses said, We will go with our young and with our old, with our sons and with our daughters... And he [Pharaoh] said unto them... Not so: go now ye that are men, and serve the LORD..."
(Ex. 10:7-11)
“Women, slaves and minors are exempt from reciting the Shema prayer… but they are subject to the obligations of Prayer…”
(Mishnah Berakhot 3:3)
“exempt” eventually became “not a priority”… when synagogues (as we know them) were being formed, women were busy with the home and the kids, so they couldn’t make it to prayer services all the time—THAT’S why they were “exempt.”
While it’s more complex than those two excerpts, it’s fairly obvious that men are the priority in most traditional/Orthodox prayer services. Women cannot read from the Torah, lead services are counted in the minyan (quorum of 10 adult male Jews necessary for a complete prayer service).
Now, since I am married to woman who studying to be a rabbi, I am clearly biased.
I also think women should be allowed to read books and use in-door plumbing.
But hey, that's just me.
I have prayed several times in a synagogue with a mechitzah (rhymes with "the pizza"), which is essentially a prison for women.
Every time I pray in a synagogue with a mechitzah, I have to resist the urge to act like Tobey Maguire in “Pleasantville” or Tracey Turnbladd from "Hairspray"-- Just run in front of the entire congregation, push the rabbi aside, tear down the separating wall and yell, "People! People! Listen to me! You don't have to live like this! Now… everybody dance!"
Roe v. Wade, Rosie the Riveter, Helen Gurley Brown, etc.
I want to tell the ladies, "Women, you deserve to be equal to the men! Get up, stand up... don't give up the fight!"
But then... that is what America tries to do all over the world.
"Come on, you should have a government exactly like us! Live like WE do!"
If I force religious people to live like me, and become less traditional, then I'm just as bad as religious people who would force ME to live like THEM!
There’s constant tension in Israel. This past November 28th, the wife and I went to a demonstration on Ben Yehuda Street because a woman was arrested at the Western Wall for wearing a tallit (prayer shawl), which is traditionally worn, only by men in Haredi (ultra orthodox) communities.
I have prayed several times in a synagogue with a mechitzah (rhymes with "the pizza")
Mechitza shul
What is a mechitzah?
According to The American Heritage® Dictionary (4th ed., 2009):
“A partition erected in the seating section of an Orthodox synagogue to prevent the mixing of men and women.”
[From the Mishnaic Hebrew ḥāṣaṣ, to divide]
A “mechitzah” is the separation between men and women in most Orthodox synagogues.
It is often a lattice, like all the Jewish men are peering through a fence, Huckleberry Feinstein.
But other synagogues put the women behind the men, in the back of the synagogue, or in a balcony.
Either way, I don’t care for it. This wasn’t always the case—in my more traditional days, when I was even MORE insecure around the opposite sex, I appreciated a Mechitzah—when I was 17, and girls were always on my mind (and not in my life), it was a relief to prayer away from them, to avoid distraction. But I was a clenched fist of sexual repression. Now I use women!
... to feel closer to God. They sing better than men! So let’s have ‘em sing! And they are as much a part of a praying community as men. Let’s sit together.
But in Israel, it’s not that easy.
Israel is a country of contradictions.
A modern country, just 62 years old... yet one of the most ancient, continually-inhabited lands.
Science, technology... place of the Bible
Women serve in the army, and as Prime Minister (Golda Meir, 1969-1974)... but multitudes practice a brand of Judaism that limits their rights and their voice (Literally... one rule in observant communities is that a woman cannot sing in front of men... because her voice may excite them).
The problem starts with the Bible (what a shock!)... the second WORD in the Bible.
…and the ninth word.
2nd word: “barah” = “[he] created”
9th word: “haytah” = “[she] was”
The first word was the act of God (implied to be a man).
The second word refers to the earth (implied to be feminine).
God, the man, created the world, the woman
In Hebrew gender is reflected in verbs, like in French or Spanish or most languages... but not English.
I gotta give proverbial snaps to English.
No gender.
“The Lord is a man of war” (Exodus 15:3)
Coincidence-- as I was writing this, my wife (a rabbi-in-training... and a lady) came home singing the old spiritual “Down to the River to Pray,” known to most of us thanks to Alison Krauss and the Cohen brothers' film "O' Brother Where Art Thou":
"As I went down in the river to pray
Studying about that good old way...
Oh sisters, let's go down/
Let's go down/Come on down..."
Great tune (notice I didn't make a sexual innuendos about that last couplet... classy, as usual).
.
.
What do many traditional Jews and the Pharaoh from Exodus have in common?
They don't think women need to pray!
"And Pharaoh’s servants said unto him,... Let the men go, that they may serve the LORD... And Moses said, We will go with our young and with our old, with our sons and with our daughters... And he [Pharaoh] said unto them... Not so: go now ye that are men, and serve the LORD..."
(Ex. 10:7-11)
“Women, slaves and minors are exempt from reciting the Shema prayer… but they are subject to the obligations of Prayer…”
(Mishnah Berakhot 3:3)
“exempt” eventually became “not a priority”… when synagogues (as we know them) were being formed, women were busy with the home and the kids, so they couldn’t make it to prayer services all the time—THAT’S why they were “exempt.”
While it’s more complex than those two excerpts, it’s fairly obvious that men are the priority in most traditional/Orthodox prayer services. Women cannot read from the Torah, lead services are counted in the minyan (quorum of 10 adult male Jews necessary for a complete prayer service).
Now, since I am married to woman who studying to be a rabbi, I am clearly biased.
I also think women should be allowed to read books and use in-door plumbing.
But hey, that's just me.
I have prayed several times in a synagogue with a mechitzah (rhymes with "the pizza"), which is essentially a prison for women.
Every time I pray in a synagogue with a mechitzah, I have to resist the urge to act like Tobey Maguire in “Pleasantville” or Tracey Turnbladd from "Hairspray"-- Just run in front of the entire congregation, push the rabbi aside, tear down the separating wall and yell, "People! People! Listen to me! You don't have to live like this! Now… everybody dance!"
Roe v. Wade, Rosie the Riveter, Helen Gurley Brown, etc.
I want to tell the ladies, "Women, you deserve to be equal to the men! Get up, stand up... don't give up the fight!"
But then... that is what America tries to do all over the world.
"Come on, you should have a government exactly like us! Live like WE do!"
If I force religious people to live like me, and become less traditional, then I'm just as bad as religious people who would force ME to live like THEM!
There’s constant tension in Israel. This past November 28th, the wife and I went to a demonstration on Ben Yehuda Street because a woman was arrested at the Western Wall for wearing a tallit (prayer shawl), which is traditionally worn, only by men in Haredi (ultra orthodox) communities.
I have prayed several times in a synagogue with a mechitzah (rhymes with "the pizza")
Mechitza shul
What is a mechitzah?
According to The American Heritage® Dictionary (4th ed., 2009):
“A partition erected in the seating section of an Orthodox synagogue to prevent the mixing of men and women.”
[From the Mishnaic Hebrew ḥāṣaṣ, to divide]
A “mechitzah” is the separation between men and women in most Orthodox synagogues.
It is often a lattice, like all the Jewish men are peering through a fence, Huckleberry Feinstein.
But other synagogues put the women behind the men, in the back of the synagogue, or in a balcony.
Either way, I don’t care for it. This wasn’t always the case—in my more traditional days, when I was even MORE insecure around the opposite sex, I appreciated a Mechitzah—when I was 17, and girls were always on my mind (and not in my life), it was a relief to prayer away from them, to avoid distraction. But I was a clenched fist of sexual repression. Now I use women!
... to feel closer to God. They sing better than men! So let’s have ‘em sing! And they are as much a part of a praying community as men. Let’s sit together.
But in Israel, it’s not that easy.
Israel is a country of contradictions.
A modern country, just 62 years old... yet one of the most ancient, continually-inhabited lands.
Science, technology... place of the Bible
Women serve in the army, and as Prime Minister (Golda Meir, 1969-1974)... but multitudes practice a brand of Judaism that limits their rights and their voice (Literally... one rule in observant communities is that a woman cannot sing in front of men... because her voice may excite them).
The problem starts with the Bible (what a shock!)... the second WORD in the Bible.
…and the ninth word.
2nd word: “barah” = “[he] created”
9th word: “haytah” = “[she] was”
The first word was the act of God (implied to be a man).
The second word refers to the earth (implied to be feminine).
God, the man, created the world, the woman
In Hebrew gender is reflected in verbs, like in French or Spanish or most languages... but not English.
I gotta give proverbial snaps to English.
No gender.
“The Lord is a man of war” (Exodus 15:3)
Coincidence-- as I was writing this, my wife (a rabbi-in-training... and a lady) came home singing the old spiritual “Down to the River to Pray,” known to most of us thanks to Alison Krauss and the Cohen brothers' film "O' Brother Where Art Thou":
"As I went down in the river to pray
Studying about that good old way...
Oh sisters, let's go down/
Let's go down/Come on down..."
Great tune (notice I didn't make a sexual innuendos about that last couplet... classy, as usual).
.
.
No more pencils, no more books
.
“Teach… your children well”
-- Crosby, Stills and Nash
Teaching our kids—
A priority for us all, hopefully.
It’s certainly been a priority among Jews.
It turned into a stereotype—the Jew with the glasses, the bookworm, the smart kid. Doctor, lawyer-- professions that require a lot of studying.
Why?
And since when?
How long have the Jews prioritized education?
Well, for a while.
Even before NBC ran their “The More You Know” campaign.
“Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God is one LORD…
“And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children”
(Deuteronomy 6:4,7)
“And ye shall teach them your children…”
(Deut. 11:19)
Teaching is key.
In the Hebrew version of verse 7, the word used for “teach them diligently” can be translated to mean “impress upon them.” A teacher taught me that children are like clay, and you shape their minds and ideas the way you give shape to a Play-doh.
Or, as Rodgers and Hammerstein put it—“You’ve got to be taught to hate and fear” (from the musical “South Pacific”)
So, Jews teach their kids…
Now, the preceding verses appear in the Sh’mah prayer, which I mentioned in my last entry. This prayer is said every morning and evening by observant Jews and is known (at least partially) to most Jews who have ever attended synagogue once in a while or a little bit of Hebrew School.
Which brings me to my Celebrity Moment of Nakhas!
(Nakhas means pride)
May 26, 2009-- Kevin Pollack's Chat Show: a weekly internet talk show, where the host has a two hour conversation with an artist/Hollywood persona.
Kevin Pollack is best known for supporting roles in "The Usual Suspects" and "A Few Good Men," and for his marvelous impressions of Christopher Walken and William Shatner.
He is fond of saying, "I was raised so Reform that I was practically Catholic."
ha ha... (eye roll).
Unfortunately, this is the predominant attitude of most Jews in America-- They're Jewish in as much as they eat bagels and enjoy "Seinfeld" reruns.
That’s the way it is.
Then we hear from the guest-- Josh Malina, the well-articulated, nebishy actor from Aaron Sorkin's "Sports Night" and, more famously, "The West Wing," where his character, Will Bailey, eventually replaced Sam Seaborn (Rob Lowe) in the 4th season.
Although raised as a Conservative Jew, he attended an Orthodox yeshiva growing up,
Westchester Day School in Mamaroneck, New York.
(Cool Coincidence-- Josh's first major role was as an understudy in Sorkin's stage version of "A Few Good Men").
He makes me proud!
"My recollection, even back to first grade... is that Ethics was a big part of what I got at school. Ethics, living a moral life--
I knew on Friday mornings you had to bring a little bit of money for tzedakah, charity, you put a little money in the pushke-- the little box, and say, 'mitzvah g'dolah la-tet tzedakah'-- 'it's an important mitzvah, commandment, to give charity.'
At the age of six... and that always sat well with me."
Yay! Three cheers for Day School! I, myself went to a Jewish day school, then high school, then college at JTS-Columbia. So, from the age of 5 until 22, half my studies were Secular (Math, Science, English, etc.) and half were Jewish studies.
Or, as Josh Malina puts it:
"A lot of people have the 'God, I hated Hebrew School' thing.
(Kevin Pollack interjects: "Well, that is a whole other beast")
Well that's true... this was hard-core Hebrew School-- half day English, half day Hebrew, Torah and Jewish Studies.
I loved it."
Yay!
And he has two kids that he is raising in a Reconstructionist Jewish household.
And he's been on the TV box, where I watch my stories!
Hooray for Jews!
.
“Teach… your children well”
-- Crosby, Stills and Nash
Teaching our kids—
A priority for us all, hopefully.
It’s certainly been a priority among Jews.
It turned into a stereotype—the Jew with the glasses, the bookworm, the smart kid. Doctor, lawyer-- professions that require a lot of studying.
Why?
And since when?
How long have the Jews prioritized education?
Well, for a while.
Even before NBC ran their “The More You Know” campaign.
“Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God is one LORD…
“And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children”
(Deuteronomy 6:4,7)
“And ye shall teach them your children…”
(Deut. 11:19)
Teaching is key.
In the Hebrew version of verse 7, the word used for “teach them diligently” can be translated to mean “impress upon them.” A teacher taught me that children are like clay, and you shape their minds and ideas the way you give shape to a Play-doh.
Or, as Rodgers and Hammerstein put it—“You’ve got to be taught to hate and fear” (from the musical “South Pacific”)
So, Jews teach their kids…
Now, the preceding verses appear in the Sh’mah prayer, which I mentioned in my last entry. This prayer is said every morning and evening by observant Jews and is known (at least partially) to most Jews who have ever attended synagogue once in a while or a little bit of Hebrew School.
Which brings me to my Celebrity Moment of Nakhas!
(Nakhas means pride)
May 26, 2009-- Kevin Pollack's Chat Show: a weekly internet talk show, where the host has a two hour conversation with an artist/Hollywood persona.
Kevin Pollack is best known for supporting roles in "The Usual Suspects" and "A Few Good Men," and for his marvelous impressions of Christopher Walken and William Shatner.
He is fond of saying, "I was raised so Reform that I was practically Catholic."
ha ha... (eye roll).
Unfortunately, this is the predominant attitude of most Jews in America-- They're Jewish in as much as they eat bagels and enjoy "Seinfeld" reruns.
That’s the way it is.
Then we hear from the guest-- Josh Malina, the well-articulated, nebishy actor from Aaron Sorkin's "Sports Night" and, more famously, "The West Wing," where his character, Will Bailey, eventually replaced Sam Seaborn (Rob Lowe) in the 4th season.
Although raised as a Conservative Jew, he attended an Orthodox yeshiva growing up,
Westchester Day School in Mamaroneck, New York.
(Cool Coincidence-- Josh's first major role was as an understudy in Sorkin's stage version of "A Few Good Men").
He makes me proud!
"My recollection, even back to first grade... is that Ethics was a big part of what I got at school. Ethics, living a moral life--
I knew on Friday mornings you had to bring a little bit of money for tzedakah, charity, you put a little money in the pushke-- the little box, and say, 'mitzvah g'dolah la-tet tzedakah'-- 'it's an important mitzvah, commandment, to give charity.'
At the age of six... and that always sat well with me."
Yay! Three cheers for Day School! I, myself went to a Jewish day school, then high school, then college at JTS-Columbia. So, from the age of 5 until 22, half my studies were Secular (Math, Science, English, etc.) and half were Jewish studies.
Or, as Josh Malina puts it:
"A lot of people have the 'God, I hated Hebrew School' thing.
(Kevin Pollack interjects: "Well, that is a whole other beast")
Well that's true... this was hard-core Hebrew School-- half day English, half day Hebrew, Torah and Jewish Studies.
I loved it."
Yay!
And he has two kids that he is raising in a Reconstructionist Jewish household.
And he's been on the TV box, where I watch my stories!
Hooray for Jews!
.
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