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"... I have been a stranger in a strange land"
-- Exodus 2:22
I went to Turkey a couple weeks ago, spending the majority of Hanukkah (The Jewish Festival of Lights)in Istanbul.
I learned some Turkish phrases--
First of all, the phrase for
"thank you very much"
sounds a lot like
"where is the toilet?"
They are, respectively--
tush-a-core neradeem
and
too-va-let nereday
Now YOU are Turkısh, too!
I often confused and combined them. So I left many-a restaurant, waiving and smiling, thanking the waiters by shouting, "Where is the toilet?!"
Or sometimes, if I REALLY enjoyed the food, I'd say, "Toilet very much."
Everyone in Turkey thought I was a very grateful man with bladder control issues... and a learning disability.
Which is not far from the truth.
And EVERYONE there sells rugs... no really. EVERYONE!
One salesman spoke to the wife and me for a while. He had this wisdom to impart--
"Hope is breakfast for poor people. We must have hope, we must have try... if not... then you never climb the tree."
(Amen, you said it, brother)
"Carpet is beauty... Why? Because person is beauty. No more Picasso-- forget Picasso, human person is beauty, heart is beauty. If you see in heart-- all colors. İf you see with eyes-- is black and white.**
I think it is pretty obvious how philosophical this trip has been for me.
Besides that... its just like America!
Of course, I told everyone I was Canadian, and they were nice to me.
I went to a Turkish bath... boy, Turkish men sure are friendly.... REALLY friendly...
I was too tense to enjoy it. Visions of "Shawshank Redemption" haunted me the whole time.
And we saw the whirling dervishes... Lame! Four guys, each wearing a fez hat and a robe, spinning around! For forty-five minutes!
AND we weren't allowed to use flash photography or clap because it was actually a religious ceremony.
Ha!
Ridiculous!
What a stupid religion... now if you will excuse me I must light some candles and eat potato pancakes and spin a droodle.... to remember... oil... or something.
“Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.”
-- Dave Barry
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Saturday, January 2
Happy New Year!
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“…have a sabbath, a memorial of blowing of trumpets, a holy convocation.
Ye shall do no servile work therein: but ye shall offer an offering made by fire unto the Lord.”
-- Leviticus 23:24-25
That is how the New Year celebration is first mentioned in the Bible.
Jews still celebrate it like that.
But like so many Jewish holidays that have Christian counterparts in the same season (Christmas/Hanukkah; Easter/Passover), the Jewish version… is a lot less fun!
But on the upside—it’s more guilt-ridden, too!
Hurray!
Even today, in synagogues, the “blowing of trumpets” is represented by a ram’s horn, or “shofar,” that the Jews blow like… a trumpet! It’s serves as a “wake-up call” soon before the Day of Atonement, Yom Kippur, when God judges everybody--
“… there shall be a day of atonement, it shall be a holy convocation unto you; and ye shall afflict your souls” (Lev. 23:27).
On Rosh Hashana (Jewish New Year), Jews wish each other well by saying, “May you be inscribed in the Book of Life.”
But on Yom Kippur they say, “May you be sealed in the Book of Life.”
“On Rosh HaShana it is inscribed. And on the Day of Atonement it is sealed.”
What is sealed?
Your fate!
In the month leading up to the special days, Jews recite a prayer called “S'lichot” (In Hebrew, “s'lichah” means “sorry”), that begins with the above line—
In it, we say what is sealed—
“How many will pass away and how many will be born. Who will live and who will die.”
Wait— it gets better!
”Who will reach the end of his days and who will not.
Who by fire and who by water.
Who by sword and who by beast.
Who by hunger and who by thirst.
Who by earthquake and who by plague.
Who by strangling and who by stoning…”
Geez!
Happy New Year!
Forget about watching the ball drop in Times Square! You might have to outrun a beast or an earthquake or a strangling… person.
This is a bummer!
Basically, God is said to decide…
“Who will be tranquil and who will be tormented…
Who will be lowered, and who will be exalted.”
The week and a half between the two holidays is known as the “Ten Days of Penitence,” when God is scrutinizing our behavior very closely, and people are supposed to make amends for any sinning they did during the previous year.
God supposedly has the Book of Life, in which God jots down all of our good deeds and all of our sins.
Sound like anyone you know?
"He knows when you are sleeping,
He knows when you’re awake,
He knows if you’ve been bad or good…”
Imagine if Santa Claus and God switched!
If you were naughty, instead of a lump of coal… Santa might strangle you and give you the plague!
Now sleep tight, Timmy!
Nestled in bed, visions of sugar plums being mauled to death by a beast or drowned... in your head.
With the sound of the shofar (trumpet),the Jewish New Year is the announcement of a Final Exam — of your soul!!!!
Also, we eat apples and honey!
For a “sweet” New Year!
That is SO Jewish! Intense religious pressure and guilt
… and some food!
Ironic—the Jewish and the American New Years are almost exactly opposite from one another.
The former, we begin atoning, reforming and acting like better people;
the latter we get so drunk and wasted… we do stuff that we will have to atone for.
“New Year’s Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.”
-- Jay Leno
.
“…have a sabbath, a memorial of blowing of trumpets, a holy convocation.
Ye shall do no servile work therein: but ye shall offer an offering made by fire unto the Lord.”
-- Leviticus 23:24-25
That is how the New Year celebration is first mentioned in the Bible.
Jews still celebrate it like that.
But like so many Jewish holidays that have Christian counterparts in the same season (Christmas/Hanukkah; Easter/Passover), the Jewish version… is a lot less fun!
But on the upside—it’s more guilt-ridden, too!
Hurray!
Even today, in synagogues, the “blowing of trumpets” is represented by a ram’s horn, or “shofar,” that the Jews blow like… a trumpet! It’s serves as a “wake-up call” soon before the Day of Atonement, Yom Kippur, when God judges everybody--
“… there shall be a day of atonement, it shall be a holy convocation unto you; and ye shall afflict your souls” (Lev. 23:27).
On Rosh Hashana (Jewish New Year), Jews wish each other well by saying, “May you be inscribed in the Book of Life.”
But on Yom Kippur they say, “May you be sealed in the Book of Life.”
“On Rosh HaShana it is inscribed. And on the Day of Atonement it is sealed.”
What is sealed?
Your fate!
In the month leading up to the special days, Jews recite a prayer called “S'lichot” (In Hebrew, “s'lichah” means “sorry”), that begins with the above line—
In it, we say what is sealed—
“How many will pass away and how many will be born. Who will live and who will die.”
Wait— it gets better!
”Who will reach the end of his days and who will not.
Who by fire and who by water.
Who by sword and who by beast.
Who by hunger and who by thirst.
Who by earthquake and who by plague.
Who by strangling and who by stoning…”
Geez!
Happy New Year!
Forget about watching the ball drop in Times Square! You might have to outrun a beast or an earthquake or a strangling… person.
This is a bummer!
Basically, God is said to decide…
“Who will be tranquil and who will be tormented…
Who will be lowered, and who will be exalted.”
The week and a half between the two holidays is known as the “Ten Days of Penitence,” when God is scrutinizing our behavior very closely, and people are supposed to make amends for any sinning they did during the previous year.
God supposedly has the Book of Life, in which God jots down all of our good deeds and all of our sins.
Sound like anyone you know?
"He knows when you are sleeping,
He knows when you’re awake,
He knows if you’ve been bad or good…”
Imagine if Santa Claus and God switched!
If you were naughty, instead of a lump of coal… Santa might strangle you and give you the plague!
Now sleep tight, Timmy!
Nestled in bed, visions of sugar plums being mauled to death by a beast or drowned... in your head.
With the sound of the shofar (trumpet),the Jewish New Year is the announcement of a Final Exam — of your soul!!!!
Also, we eat apples and honey!
For a “sweet” New Year!
That is SO Jewish! Intense religious pressure and guilt
… and some food!
Ironic—the Jewish and the American New Years are almost exactly opposite from one another.
The former, we begin atoning, reforming and acting like better people;
the latter we get so drunk and wasted… we do stuff that we will have to atone for.
“New Year’s Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.”
-- Jay Leno
.
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