Say What???

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“Day unto day uttereth speech…
There is no speech nor language…
Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O LORD..."

-- Psalm 19:14

I was buying some food in the shuk last week.
“What is the shuk?” I hear you ask hypothetically!
It is an open-air market in the heart of Jerusalem.
Istanbul has one.
Cairo has one.
Many cities in the Middle East have one.
And, from my experience, they all suck!

Haggling, not a pleasant experience.
It’s like buying a car, but one egg at a time. One orange at a time. One piece of pita at a time.

It’s like trench warfare, fighting and scraping for every meter of land/shekel of food.

So, last week, in the shuk, I had gone running, even though it was quite chilly (“Grrr! Yeah! I’m like a less masculine G.I. Jane!”).

I bought some cheese and started chatting with the cheese salesman, in my mediocre Hebrew.

Here is a translation of our conversation:

“You’re wearing shorts?” he asked.

“Yes” I responded, “I run here. I go run.”

“But it’s cold!”

“Yes” I said.

“Well, good for you.”

(then I try to be funny… and something was lost in translation)

“Yes," I continue, "but I wear shorts, no matter to me, because I am groom."

[silence from the cheese salesman, so I continue]

“… I be married, so no matter to me. I do not use my body parts down there…because I married.”

“What?” asks the cheese man.

“Because I have wife, so I have nothing to do, I have no… eggs. I can’t use my eggs for I married now. My wife took them.”

“You want to buy a dozen eggs?”

“No no… An expression... I don’t have… I can’t… my wife… [sigh] It’s a joke.”

“Oh” he said… then he walked away.

And I took my cheese and ran home.
In my shorts.
With no eggs.
To my loving, patient wife.

who speaks English, thank God.

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Kindness of Strangers

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“Be not forgetful to entertain strangers: for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.”

-- Hebrew 13:2

Living in a foreign country has forced me to do certain things.

There are many moments in your life when you’re forced to swallow something—
Your first day in the prison laundry room,
smuggling baggies of crack in through the airport
—or living in a foreign country.
The latter has forced me to swallow my pride…
and ask for help and directions
…in a foreign language.

Last Tuesday I was meeting up with my lovely bride on Ben Yehuda Street (the Jerusalem equivalent of Times Square… but much smaller, and more… Jewey).
And BAM!
My cell phone dies!
Oh no!
And I’m supposed to meet my wife SOMEWHERE soon!
These are the only situations where I marvel at life from ten years ago, before cell phones were as ubiquitous as reality shows and … y’know… other things that are everywhere.
(sigh… analogies are not my forte)

But ten years ago—how the devil did people meet up with each other before they could call each other twelve times in a thirty-minute time span?

I was stuck in downtown Jerusalem with no phone.
And all the payphones in Jerusalem rely on phone cards.
What are those?
Who the hell knows???
Not me!
Nor do I know how to purchase one!

I asked for help at a makolet (which is Hebrew for a “bodega”)
(which is Spanish for a “Kwik-E-Mart”)
(which is “Simpsons”-ese for a “convenience store”).
I said, in broken Hebrew:
“Sorry, I have problem. My phone has no working and I need to call my girl partner. If I purchase something, may I use your telephone machine?”
The owner of the makolet responded, “Of course. But you don’t have to buy anything. What? You think you’re in America? No, this is Israel. Just use the phone.”

Hm.
That’s Israel. Hospitable and selfless when you least expect it.
But try to buy a loaf of bread for less than $5 and prepare for haggling!

Later I bothered a pet supply store owner, and she, too, let me use the phone.
Also, with an attitude of "Of course, go ahead! Don't be silly!"

Israel is a country a kind people, who will gladly lend a hand, help out a stranger… and who will run you over with their cars if you impede their journey even half-a-second.

I suppose that’s the case with most lands, most peoples.
Everybody has their moments.

“We're all heroes if you catch us at the right moment.”

-- John Bubber (Andy Garcia), “Hero”, screenplay by David Webb Peoples
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