"Halleluja! Holy [expletive] !" -- Clark W. Griswold

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"Sing unto the Lord with the harp; with the harp and the voice of a psalm..."

-- Psalm 98

"For heights and depths no words can reach, music is the soul's own speech."

-- Anonymous

My favorite Psalm is 150, the end of the line, the final psalm (sounds like the title of a bad action flick-- Communion 4: The Final Psalm)


Psalm 150 includes the lines,
"Praise ye the Lord...
Praise him with the sound of the trumpet...
Praise him with the harp...
with timbrel and dance;...
stringed instrument;...
loud cymbals..."

In other words... start a one-man band, like Dick Van Dyke in "Marry Poppins."

("Oh, it's a jolly 'oliday wiv Moses...")

(ahem)

No, it means there's more than one way to skin a proverbial cat.

Or praise God.

You can sing, play the horn, shake your booty, or read a prayer silently.

There's more than one way to do EVERYTHING, and prayer is no exception.


This theory, and my patience, were put to the test two days ago.




Friday night, I prayed at an interesting place.

In Jerusalem, there are HUNDREDS of prayer groups every single Friday night, some in synagogues, some in homes. You walk down ANY street in this city, you will hear the sounds of davening.

Two days ago I went to a small minyan, in a basement, chairs in a big circle, about 5 drummers, people with no shoes who were playing the bongos, others were chanting and dancing like hippies at Woodstock... Phoebe from "Friends" would've been very comfortable.

I was not.

It was the Jewish Renewal movement personified.

I personally don't go for that.


I can be quite sarcastic, bitter and cynical.
I am reluctant to open up, make myself vulnerable
... hence, the humor.



Dveikut. ("dedication", meditation during intense prayer)

Ruakh. ("spirit", spirituality)

These do not come easily for me.

Once upon a time, they did...


But now... I am a cynic.


So, Friday night, I was not "into it."

For about an hour.


Until... they sang a Psalm (#98, for you sports fans keeping track), in Hebrew, in an old doo-wop style.

And they got me.

I realize, of course, that there is no "they"... that it was I... I got me (woah..., soak it in... dry off, let's continue).
I "got", I understood that you can feel what you want to feel, if you let yourself.

I closed my eyes, sang along, and (as that philosopher Eminem would say) started to "lose myself in the moment..."


And it may not have been the spirit of God.

In fact, I think it wasn't.

My own musical preference.
It was my personality.
It was my family.

When I was growing up, 1950s/60s era music was very popular in my house.
Never mind that I came of age in the 1990s...

It was something my whole family enjoyed.

And on Friday night, that music... took me back.


It was audio cassettes, birthdays, anniversaries when my brothers and I would rewrite lyrics of old 60s tunes to suit our parents, Mother's Day and we're singing "Runaround Sue" for our mom... who's name is not Sue, nor does she run anywhere... but we all like the same music.

It was the Prom scene in "Back to the Future"... my love of Bobby Darrin, Dion and & Belmonts and Danny & the Juniors.


And maybe THAT... is God.

Who can say?



Ten years ago I was on a bus with 30 of my classmates from high school, studying in Israel for the semester.

The first time our bus took us into Jerusalem, the Holiest City for Jews, the homeland for which our ancestors prayed and fought and died....

I started to cry.

And it wasn't for any of the above reasons.

I was listening to a CD.

A Green Day CD (by 11th grade I expanded a little from the '50/'60s rock 'n roll).

And it was playing the song "Time of Your Life."

(A great song, but certainly not cry-worthy)

So why was a crying?

Because the previous year, "Seinfeld" aired its final episode.
The second-to-last episode was a highlight reel, best-of show... and the last two minutes were silent, comprised of behind the scenes footage, still photos of the cast and crew... with the Green Day song "Time of Your Life" playing over it.

And hearing it again, on a bus, away from home, away from my family (with whom watching "Seinfeld" was more of a ritual than prayer ever was), my being in a foreign country...

made me cry.

Am I shallow? Materialistic? Like the characters on "Seinfeld?"

No.

I'm just a guy. Because like it or not, for myself and many other people my age, television and music have played a huge role in our lives, in our memories, and in our connections with other people.

Seinfeld and doo wop. My youth and family. Nice feelings. Nice associations.


And when I am emotionally moved... Damn, that's a nice feeling.

I feel alive.

I feel close to myself and my family.


And I feel close to God.

"Please, no fatties"

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Abraham sends his trusty servant Eliezer to Canaan to find a wife for Isaac, Abe's son
(remember, the son he nearly stabbed to death in Gen.22... well, now we're in chapter 24, and Izzy needs a woman!).

Eliezer decides he'll go to the local watering hole (literally... a watering hole, where people would let their cattle drink water), and whichever lady offers him a drink, and also offers his camels a drink, THAT is the lady for Isaac! (Gen. 24:14).


Once at the watering hole with his camels, he notices Rebekah:
"And the damsel was very fair to look up, a virgin, no man had known her" (v.16).

Damn!


Sounds good!



But Eliezer the Servant had different criteria that had to be met-- and being a sexy virgin was not part of the deal... oh, Eliezer… what a moron!

But wait! What happens next?!

Rebekah, the smokin' hot virgin, puts down her pitcher of water and says to Eliezer, "Drink, my lord... I will draw water for thy camels also, until they are done drinking" (v.18-19).


All right! A hot virgin who’s nice to animals!

Ding ding ding! We have a winner!

Why? What does this say about Rebekah’s character?

Well, it says everything.

And it reminds me of an exchange from “A Bronx Tale”, written by its star, Chazz Palmintieri. Chazz playes a “Sonny,” mob boss. Here he gives dating advice to his teenaged protégé, nicknamed “C,” :

Sonny:
Alright, listen to me. You pull up right where she lives, right? Before you get outta the car, you lock both doors. Then, get outta the car, you walk over to her. You bring her over to the car. Dig out the key, put it in the lock and open the door for her. Then you let her get in. Then you close the door. Then you walk around the back of the car and look through the rear window. If she doesn't reach over and lift up that button so that you can get in: dump her.

’C’:
Just like that?

Sonny:
Listen to me, kid. If she doesn't reach over and lift up that button so that you can get in, that means she's a selfish broad and all you're seeing is the tip of the iceberg. You dump her and you dump her fast.

Well said, Italian New Yorker mob boss!
You clearly know your Scriptures.

Wouldn't you know it! Just like Eliezer said!
Sometimes you can learn everything about a person by the smallest, simplest act of thoughtfulness…
or selfishness.

Like in the 1998 Adam Sandler vehicle “The Wedding Singer,” written by Tim Herlihy.

Early in the film, Julia (Drew Barrymore) says she always wanted to see Las Vegas from an airplane, the famous strip of casinos and hotels all lit up at night. Then, when she hops a plane and elopes with her douche fiancé, he won’t let her have the window seat! And that says it all!
He’s a douche!

And Rebekah was selfless and kind.

… and smokin’ hot!


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Milk, Honey, and a pain in my Ass

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"And I come down to deliver them out of the hands of the Egyptians,
and to bring them up out of that land into a good, large land,

a land flowing with milk and honey."

(Ex. 3:8)

The first time the land of Israel is described this way!

Which means Israel sucks, if you're a vegan.

But still, compared to slavery in Egypt, this "promised land" sounds pretty sweet!


Well...
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The morning after Thanksgiving.

In Israel.


No Black Friday here (Erev Shabbat Shakhor).

Around 8 AM this morning, coming out of a turkey-induced coma (or a tofukurkey-induced, as it were), a loud noise woke me up!

The wife soon followed.

We heard a man's voice speaking Hebrew outside our apartment.

On a megaphone.

The missus was worried. Not worried enough to look out the window or call the police, just worried enough to complain to me on her way to the toilet.

Ah, married life.

"What the hell is that?"

Bomb threat?
Air raid?
Terrorist... something?

None of the above.

I looked out the window and saw two orthodox Jews in a small car, with a megaphone strapped onto the roof. Slowly driving up and down the street.

Yammering about something. On a megaphone. In Hebrew.



A few mothers, pushing strollers, stopped the car, told the guys to (I assume) go away or "eff off" (or, in Hebrew, "fey off").

After her morning visit to "the office," my beloved asked me what the guys were saying.

"Oh, I understood them. What that guy was saying was, 'Hey everyone! The local supermarket is having a sale on megaphones! I just got one! Isn't cool?'"


That's the beauty of Israel.

It eliminates racism and bigotry.

I can't say, "Damn noisy Hispanic-Americans."

or

"Damn scary African-Americans."

or

"Damn intellectually-intimidating Asian-Americans."


I can't say any of that!


'Cause It's ALL Jews!

Everyone is Jewish!

And guess what...



Everyone still gets on my nerves!

The teenagers are rude and loud.

The drivers are still reckless, the pedestrians still oblivious.

The religious people still impose their views on others... but instead of Bible-beating Southerners, they're Tanach-tapping Orthodox.


There are more Jews in Israel than in ALL of the United States... but barely.

And in America the Jews are spread out. Mostly on opposite coasts of the country.

Here, the Jews are EVERYWHERE!


And y'know what? Religion and race don't matter!


People are annoying!

All people!

It's a beautiful thing.

Irritating as hell, sure... but also beautiful.


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Meat, Thanksgiving and Animal Sex!

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Happy Thankgiving!

Or, as Israelis call it... Thursday.


Or Yom Chamishi.

Let's talk a little bit about Turkey... or meat!

How about the first food ever mentioned in the Bible.

Now, in an earlier entry (Nov. 7th, "Yes, I'm Gonna Marry a Carrot") I mentioned that Adam and Eve were vegetarians while in the Garden of Eden.
But did you know that even AFTER the Expulsion they were STILL tofu-munchers?!


After the tree/apple/snake debacle, God tells Adam:

"Cursed is the ground for thy sake, in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life... Thou shalt eat the herb of the field; in the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread..." (Gen. 3:17-19)

So, only bread and veggies. Both before and after the Garden of Eden.


And remember Gen. 1:29---

"God said, 'Behold, I have given you every herb yielding seed, which is on the surface of all the earth, and every tree, which bears fruit yielding seed. to you it shall be for meat."


But did you know that in the very next verse, God also told ANIMALS to be vegetarian!

"And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air and to everything that creeps upon the earth, wherein there is life, I have given every green herb for meat, and it was so."

Notice the part "wherein there is life."
It's poetic, kind of saying, "If a creature has life inside it, it should not eat something else with life inside it."
(i.e., treat your neighbor animals as yourself)

That's just how I interpret it.
You may see it differently.
After all, there's more than one way to skin (and then eat) a cat.

Interesting point-- the King James Version says "to you it shall be for MEAT", while most other versions of the Bible say "FOOD." Essentially, I think the writers of the KJV were sayin, "You know the way YOU think of meat? Well, THAT'S how the first creatures of the earth thought of vegetables and plants."




But now it seems ridiculous that God would require animals to only eat vegetables.


I know, I know-- a snake just tricked two people into eating a magic apple... but THIS is hard to believe???

I take umbrage with THIS part of the Bible?!


(Umbrage! SAT word!)

This is what I call a T.M.B.S. moment.

That stands for "This Movie is Bull Shit!"
At some point, while watching a movie, someone will say, "Oh, come ON! That's unbelievable!"
Example:
In the beginning of the film "Men In Black," an alien climbs up the side of the Guggenheim Museum in Manhattan. Will Smith, who is chasing the alien, shoots the glass out of the front door and goes in.
Watching it, a friend of mine scoffed, "Come on! Where's the alarm?!"
True, if you broke the glass to a museum's entrance, an alarm would most likely sound... making it difficult to stop the ALIENS!!!!
(eye roll)


So God told the animals NOT to eat each other.

Well, what about this:

On the 5th day, after the Almighty created sea creatures and birds, God said, "Be fruitful and multiply, fill the waters in the seas and let fowl multiply on the earth" (1:22).

That's right... God had to TELL animals to have sex!

God told birds to screw and God told whales to hump.

(pun!)


Why not?

In the beginning, there were vegetarian, sexually-reserved animals... just like today!



Kind of... your dog eats its own shit and humps your leg.

Sounds like a good date to me.

Pharaoh = Ancient Egyptian Douche

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Which Pharaoh was the jerk from the Exodus?

Many believe it was either Thutmose II or Thutmose III...

Notice anything interesting about those names (and also Raamses)?

In ancient Egyptian, the letters M-(O)-S-E-S meant "child" or "is born."
So Raamses means...


Anyone?... Bueller?

Right-- "Ra'amses" means "child of Ra" (the Egyptian sun god).

Son of a sun god! New means of cursing, try it out.


"Moses" is supposedly word play on the ancient Hebrew words "to draw out", since lil' baby Moses was DRAWN OUT of the Nile by Pharaoh's daughter, and he would later help DRAW the Israelites OUT of slavery.

Oh, Bible, you are so clever...

... a snake feeds a naked chick an apple, and now THIS!!!

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Watch out-- here come the Jews!

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Exodus begins with a new Pharaoh in Egypt (FYI, "pharaoh" is one of the oldest words in recorded history, meaning "big house"), and this Pharaoh didn't know about Jacob, Joseph and their Hebrew brethren who were so cool (and good with numbers and frugal)!

So Pharaoh says "Behold, the people of the children of Israel are more and mightier than we" (1:9), marking the last time in recorded history the Jews were ever described with those two adjectives.

And so Pharaoh, wanting to keep them weak and few in number, enslaved them ("set taskmasters over them" (v.11)

But the Israelites would have none of that...

"But the more they afflicted them, the more they multiplied and grew" (v.12).

That's right! The Israelites were having spite sex!

"Honey, I'm not in the mood!"
"Come on, Shirley, you want us Israelites to die out?
"No way, I won't give Pharaoh the satisfaction."
"Good... now speaking of satisfaction..."


And so Moses' mom, Yocheved, or in the King James-- Jochebed or Sofabed or Futon) put him in a basket and sent him down the Nile. It's like Moses' mom was a pregnant teen on prom night!



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A Rebbetzman Among the "Ortho"s

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Last week I went to the Jerusalem Zoo,

And 2 days ago I went to Meah Sha'arim!


Differences?


Orthodox Jews RARELY throw their poo at you...



Rarely.



Meah Sha'arim is a small community in the heart of Jerusalem, several streets where the people all look... Amish. Right out of a 19th century European shtetl, it is a community filled with Orthodox and "Haredi" Jews.

Haredi (חֲרֵדִי) comes from the word "charada," meaning FEAR or ANXIETY, which is interpreted as "one who trembles in awe of God" (from Isaiah 66:2,5).
The men all dress in black, wear hats, fringes/tzitzit and most have beards. The women are in long skirts, long sleeves and hair covered (if they are over 18 or married-- the former is nearly always the same as the latter). They follow the Bible in the strictest sense.

Moses summed up his presence in Egypt, a Jew among idol worshipers, with the famous
"I was stranger in a strange land..." (Ex. 2:22).

And so was I... in Jerusalem.


Irony!!!!!



I thought, "I am a (relatively) enlightened Jew. I went to 13 years of Jewish day school, graduated from the Jewish Theological Seminary, taught Hebrew School and I'm living in Israel... and these folks STILL seem effin' weird to me!"

But y'know what... it's all relative.

I probably looked odd in their eyes.

Because people feel comfy with what they know.

But it's a big world. There are Haredi Jews in Jerusalem, Masai warriors on the African veldt, short people, tall people, blind people with food on their faces (to be expected), and me... and we all gotta make it work.

It's like Harrison Ford's character in "Witness", an undercover cop living amongst the Amish.

(In this analogy I'm Harrison... naturally).

In one scene, he has trouble milking a cow, and an older Amish fella incredulously asks, "You never had your hands on a teat before?"

Harrison answers, "Not one this big."

Ha!


Amen, brother!


... What was my point?

Oh yeah...

Cow boobs are hilarious...



and to each his own.

So be polite, try something new, grab a teat, see a Jew.





But please do not feed the monkeys.

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"Excuse me, Honey... Which way is the Gym?"

Jacob tricks his bleary-eyed pop and steals his brother's blessing and his inheritance.
(in Jacob's defense...um... his brother was hairy?)

So Jacob did what any of us would do... he ran!



He comes to a new land and sees some shepherds chillin' around a giant stone, as shepherds are wont to do (those that don't chat with flaming shrubbery).

The shepherds roll the "great stone" away, and below it is a well; their sheep drink from the well, then they roll the stone back (Gen. 29:2-3)

Wow.

Being a shepherd: non-stop thrill ride.

But check it--

Then, my man Jacob sees Rachel coming over with her dad's sheep, and you know happens ...

"When Jacob saw Rachel... and the sheep... Jacob went near and rolled the stone from the well's mouth and watered the flock" (Gen. 29:15).

Damn!

My King James version calls it "a feat of unusual strength." This ain't no Festivus. This is Jacob whippin' it out and showin' Rachel what he's made of.

And you know what... that's the smartest thing Jacob has done.


"And this takes us to the second rule of Being Steve: You have to do something excellent in her presence, thus demonstrating your sexual worthiness."

-- Rule #2, "Tao of Steve", written by Duncan North


This makes TOTAL sense! Ya gotta do something to make 'em go "Wow." Ya gotta impress the ladies (as my pal Malcolm X would say) by any means necessary!

It doesn't matter what you do to impress them... as long as you're good at it!

Everybody can do something!

Jacob could roll a bolder and give water to sheep. My buddy Frank can karaoke-sing to MeatLoaf's "I Would Do Anything For Love" better than anybody. Claire Standish can apply her lipstick simply by placing it in her cleavage, looking down and moving her head back and forth.
(Don't you... forget about me)

And I...


I can juggle.
(sigh)


And write immature poetry.

Back in college, when I was courting my now-wife, I was taking a Poetry class. So I read her the following poem, to show her... how sensitive I was?

I guess it worked. And the rest, as they say, is hysterectomy.

Enjoy.



The Love Poem To End All Love Poems



Love thy neighbor, wherever you roam.

Just you make sure her husband’s not home.

Love inspires poets to create works of art.

They say it’s like a red, red rose,
... or an Achy Breaky Heart.


What is love? Is it Attraction? Allure?

Baby, don’t hurt me. Don’t hurt me, no more. (What is love?)

They say love is blind, so it’s no great leap

To condone love with all: man, woman or sheep.

Love can be tricky, with one who is chaste.

But it certainly helps if you’re both shit-faced.

Affection’s elusive with a girl who is moral.

She might give you love, but she won’t give you… the time of day.



“At the touch of love, we all become poets.”

Plato said that. Boy, don’t I know it.



(ahem)




Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

Thou art sweaty and thou dost attract mosquitoes.
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Humble Pie

"And Abram fell on his face, and God talked with him.." (Gen. 17:3)
"Then Abram fell upon his face and laughed..." (Gen. 17:17)

Either Abe is really humble, or he's Chevy Chase circa 1975.

Yeah, yeah, he's bowing down, a means of supplication... he is being humble.

That is why Abraham was the father of a nation and set the patriarchal bar so high.
His humility!


And how do I know?

The greatest professor of all time taught me:


A penitent man shall pass.


"Penitent... Penitent... Penitent man shall pass...

Penitent man...

A penitent man kneels before God... Kneel!!!"

-- Prof. Henry Jones, Jr.


If Abraham and Indiana can be humble, surely the rest of us can try.

Plus, Abe was able to laugh at himself-- the rest of verse 17...

"Then Abram fell upon his face and laughed and said in his heart, shall a child be born unto him that is one hundred years old?..."


"Laugh at yourself, but don't ever
aim your doubt at yourself. Be bold.
When you embark for strange
places, don't leave any of yourself
safely on shore. Have the nerve to
go into unexplored territory."

-- Alan Alda (the actor?!)

"The Lord said to Abram, 'Get thee out of thy country, and from thy kindred, and from thy father's house, unto a land that I will show thee' " (Gen. 12:1)




"Check thy self before thou wreck thyself"
-- 11th commandment

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Nude Noah / Drunk Dad

Noah celebrated the end of the flood the way most of us celebrate:

"And he drank of the wine and was drunk; and was uncovered within his tent."
(Gen. 9:21)

In other words,

"TOGA! TOGA! TOGA!"
-- Animal House

or

"We're going streaking!"
-- Old School

Then Noah's youngest son, Ham (pronounced "Khahm"), walks in on him and tells his 2 brothers about it. The 2 brothers enter the tent backwards and cover their soused poppa with a blanket "their faces were backward and they saw not their father's nakedness" (v.23). They didn't want to embarrass their dad, who was vulnerable... and butt nekkid.


About 15 years ago my family was at neighbor's house for a big Friday night dinner. After the meal, all the parents were upstairs talking, the kids were hanging out in the basement. I went upstairs to grab some dessert and I saw all the adults silently gathered around a friend's mom, who was gulping in air.
It turns out she had been choking on a piece of chicken and someone had just performed the Heimlich maneuver on her.

All I could think was...

"Wow! Cool!"

I rushed downstairs and told my friend, excited as a 14 year old girl meeting the cast of "Twilight"...

"Hey, David! Guess what! Your mom almost died just now!"

As all the kids packed the dining room to make sure David's mom was okay, my father pulled me aside.

"I am very disappointed in you."

Not the first time I'd heard that.
Certainly not the last.

But that stuck with me.

Instead of maintaining composure, I wanted to be the bearer of news.

My Dad was essentially quoting "Scrubs", which was quoting "Fat Albert":
"You're like school in July... no class."

---------------------------------------------
But my dad and I were all right.

In fact, we grew closer. He and my brothers came up with a code word. Y'see, in the summer times we would all wear shorts. And occasionally the shorts would be... a little too short. So whenever one of us was overexposed or "hanging brain", the others would whisper, "Dude... the toast is burning."
And then the culprit would know to re-adjust, to fix the feng shui of his family jewels.

And once in a while we'd have to let our elder statesman know, "Woah! The toast is ON FIRE! You've burned down the kitchen!!"

Sigh...

Just like with Noah!



“Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.”

-- Frank Sinatra

Tee Many Martoonis!

(Gen. 9:21)

"And he drank of the wine and was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent."

Many commentators have derided Noah for his uncouth behavior here.

My opinion...

What's the big deal?


Noah spent over a month on a boat with his family and (let's just say) many, many animals. He did what God asked, built the ark, saved humanity and several species... what more does God want???

He is entitled to unwind a little, enjoy himself.

Same thing with maternity leave, the G.I. bill, or the oil rig turned astronaut guys on the rocket ship in "Armageddon" (1998), who tell the president they don't to pay taxes... ever again.

Why the hell not! They're entitled!


Besides I've said it before, I'll say it again---


Pobody's Nerfect.


They can't all be Moses, okay!

Not everyone is Odysseus, Harry Potter, or Gene Hackman from the original "Poseidon Adventure" (1972-- awesome flick).

Some heroes are flawed.

Actually, MOST heroes are flawed.


Think about it:
Beowulf, Spiderman, Captain Jack Sparrow... the list is endless!


So what if Noah got drunk!

Sure, it leads to Noah's son (Ham) gawking and laughing at him (9:22). But what's the big deal? Why does Noah have to curse Ham's kid, his grandson? (v.25-26)

Is this simply to emphasize "Honor your dad"?

But what really boils my custard-- or burns my bagel, or turns my yogurt... what annoys me is the asterisk in my bible pointing to Genesis 19:30-35 as a similar instance where wine leads to sin.

In 19:30-35, Lot's daughters think the world is coming to an end, they conspire to get their dad wasted, then they hump his drunken brains out and (eventually) give birth to his (grand)sons.

First of all, today this is known as a Kentucky Honeymoon.

Second of all... Ewwwww.


I think that is a MUCH worse, MUCH more sinful (or, biblically-speaking, "icky")
abuse of wine than Ham simply peaking at his naked drunk dad.

Getting drunk isn't always awful.
It's all relative (ha! an incest pun! The first of many).


Last week I joined my wife, who is in her 2nd year of Rabbinical school, at a local Israeli bar (or in Hebrew, "pub"), along with two dozen other rabbis-to-be. Let me tell you, few things are as amusing as young rabbinical students singing karaoke and arguing about Jewish law ("Talmud Bavli? How about Talmud Blow me!").
But that is how rabbis unwind. And everyone needs that.

One November evening during college, at a cast party I was frustrated, alone, and I became quite inebriated. At a friend's apartment on 115th st. in Manhattan, Saturday evening, around 2 AM, I began drinking vodka and rum like water and... darker-colored water.

The next thing I know I lying in my bed (alone, for the record), in my apartment on 121 st., and it is 8 PM SUNDAY NIGHT!
And there are vomit stains everywhere. I have ruined all the books for my classic American Lit. class-- the works of Ernest Hemingway, Mark Twain, Edith Wharton... all gross!!
What a loss!!
(well, not so much the Edith Wharton).

I learned that my roommate had to carry me home and help me go to the bathroom (according to him, he merely instructed me as I aimed, "Left... right... DOWN! DOWN!)

So... my point is... I am like Noah!

Except... my woodworking skills... Ikea... make your own joke.



Maximus the "Gladiator"

"Snakes! Why'd it have to be Snakes?" -- Rabbi Indiana ben Jones

.
Oh, Bible, you come up with the most reasonable explanations for obvious things!

Adam and Eve, snake, apple, etc.

As punishment, God tells the snake (Gen. 3:15):

"I will put enmity between you and and the woman, between your seed and her seed, it shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise his heel."

A-ha! So THIS is the reason why people and snakes aren't best buddies!
If not for the unpleasant apple incident, we'd have domesticated the snake years ago, we'd be picking up their snake shit in ziploc bags, put little suctions on car windows- "Boa on Board"...
Westminster Snake Show, you get the idea...

The bible I'm reading explains that this is a metaphor-- man will triumph over Satan, linking this to Romans 16:20-- "And God shall bruise Satan under your feet shortly."
Really? The embodiment of pure evil and wickedness in the universe and the best we can do is-- "I'm gonna squash him with my foot!"
I shall destroy the Prince of Darkness 'neath my Nike cross-trainer!

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Baby baby, oh baby baby" -- Salt 'N Pepper

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IRONY!!!!

God promises Abraham many kids (Gen. 13:16).

And yet, his wife
and his son's wife
and grandson's wife all had trouble gettin' preggers.

Sarah (Gen. 16:1); Rebekah (25:21); Rachel (29:31) -- all barren.

At first, not one of them could toss the ball through the hoop.
They couldn't knock over the milk bottle,
Ride the ferris wheel of procreation all the way to... God, I wanna go to a carnival!

(sigh)

One could say that God helping the matriarchs conceive emphasizes God's power-- showing how chosen the Israelites must have been, since they could barely conceive!

Or it reminds us what a true miracle childbirth is! It's unbelievable that it happens at all!

This barren problem is extra ironic, since the first mitzvah that people are commanded to do is procreate (Gen. 1:28).

Which at first seems redundant. Adam and Eve-- alone, chillin' in a garden, no TV or magazines, not to mention they are "naked, not ashamed," (Gen. 2:25) ... what ELSE are they gonna do? They really had to be TOLD to get "down with they bad selves??"

(insert your own "snake in her garden" joke)

Of course, God also told sea monsters and birds to procreate (Gen. 1:22)... not with each other... although maybe that's how we got dinosaurs...

Anyway, this biblical Narrative-Darwinism kinda makes sense-- before anything else, make sure the story keeps going by making more characters.



"...With an ability to survive, anything is possible, and without it... nothing."

-- Moss Hart, legendary Broadway writer/director/producer



"I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it." -- Beyonce

She's a Lady... Woah woah woah

Abe and Sara:

"And he said to Sara his wife, 'Behold, I know that thou art a fair woman to look upon..." (Gen. 12:11)


Damn! Abe, you sweet-talker! Now THAT'S how you grease the wheels of romance... and Hebraic-monotheistic progeny.



This reminds me of the advice of my father--


"Women are like flowers:

They are soft

They are delicate

And if you keep them in your basement with no water or sunlight they will wither and die."



That's my Pop!


"Put the lotion in the basket!"

Love-- a 4-Letter Word

"And Isaac... took Rebekah and she became his wife;
and he loved her"(Gen. 24:67)

Strange as it may seem, this is the first instance of someone actually LOVING someone else in the Bible.

Remember, God told Adam, "It's not good for man to be alone; I will make a help mate for him" (Gen. 2:18)-- not exactly flowers and candle light. Sounds like Adam and Eve are buddies, going on adventures, played by Mel Gibson and Danny Glover.

And God told Abraham to sacrifice Izzy, "your son, whom you love" (Gen. 22:1)

But that ain't romantic love!


Izzy and Becca, it's the first and last time LOVE is mentioned at all in Genesis!

You'd think LOVE would feature more prominently in the Book of Genesis, since Love helps in the CREATION of... you know... more people.

(bow chicka bow)

Love and Alcohol.

Speaking of both...

College:

In college, I watched as my buddies got girlfriends, rounded the bases multiple times, copped many-a feel, and it drove me crazy!

But not anymore.

Before I got married, some guys asked me, "Dude, you're settling down? Don't you want to play the field?"

I can honestly say... No. I was on the field for a short while and all I got were multiple concussions. Besides, you stay on the field too long, you end up crippled.

I never belonged on the field. I was never a "player." I wasn't even in the game! I wasn't on the team! I was outside the stadium, driving around, looking for a parking space.

Besides, now... why would I need to play the field? I already won the game.

I Just Want To Be Loved... Is That So Wrong?

"Desperation is a stinky cologne"

-- Police Chief Grady, "Super Troopers," hilarious flick


Chapter 29 of Genesis is all about unrequited love.

Jacob...
"he also loved Rachel more than Leah" (verse 30)

But there is poetic justice:

"And when the Lord saw that Leah was hated, He opened her womb; but Rachel was barren." (31)

The first three sons of Leah:

Etymology of Hebrew Names:

Reuben = looking
Simeon = hearing
Levi = closeness, lit. "to me"

Leah had a son, named him Reuben, because "the Lord LOOKED upon my affliction, now therefore my husband will love me." (32)
She named her next son Simeon, "because the Lord HEARD I was hated." (33)

Third son, Levi, because Leah hoped "now this time my husband will be JOINED TO ME." (34)


(Same thing with poor Hagar, Abe's wife, Gen. 16:11)


Poor Leah!

She was the last kid picked last for softball, who had to take her cousin to Prom, who sat next to the teacher on class trips...

Never mind that Leah's offspring were the ancestors of Aaron and the priestly family (from Levi) and King David and his progeny (from Judah)...


Poor Leah, she wanted to be loved!


"Can anybody find me somebody to loo-oove?"
--Freddy Mercury, Queen


"I just want a love for the rest of my life, I wanna hold you in the morning, Hold you through the night"
-- Eminem


Freddy, Eminem, and Leah all share something...

Desperation!

And every single person has felt the same way.


"Jane, get me off this crazy thing... called Love."

-- "So I Married An Axe Murderer"

.

Don't Know Much 'bout Etymology

In Genesis 32, Jacob has a dream-- he wrestles with an angel.

So God renames him "Israel" (verse 28) --

which translates to mean... "Isra"-- struggle/wrestle; and "El"-- God.


This is a common practice with Hebrew names. "Gabri-el" = Strong Man of God; "Ari-el(le)" = Lion of God; "Dani-el" = Judge of God.


So Jacob is renamed "Israel"...


Check it out--
Jews are like Native Americans !

(the similarities don't end there... Native-Americans used ALL of the buffalo, and we killed Jesus)

Jacob????

Why in the world would the Jewish people name themselves and their homeland after this guy?

He was hardly the MVP (most valuable patriarch) in the Bible. He deceived his father (27:25), stole his brother's birthright (27:35), played favorites with his wives (29:30)-- Rachel over Leah-- and with his sons (37:4)-- Joseph, causing his other sons to nearly commit fratricide.
And he picked his nose (probably)!


Why is Jacob/Israel the namesake for my people? Was he such a great guy?

Maybe not-- but he had a great name, and a great dream!

Jacob dreamed he was "wrestling with God"-- in other words, he was having a crisis of faith.

That dream symbolizes all of theology/religion/agnosticism!

It's saying, "It's okay to wrestle with/question God... in fact-- until you question God, you can't believe in God."

The more you question your faith, the stronger it will ultimately be.

Ya gotta question authority... even the Almighty!

Abraham did it (with Sodom and Gomorrah), Moses did it (arguing many times with the Almighty), and so should YOU!

In the introduction to his play, "Doubt", a drama about turmoil in a 1960s NY Catholic church, John Patrick Shanley wrote that having doubt is brave because it's so difficult. Certainty is easy, blind faith is simple, but to have doubt takes guts and strength.

When it comes to anything worthwhile, something you want, ask yourself-- "Are you sure?"

It's important to wrestle with your beliefs, and it's okay to change them.



So think of Faith as a bikini model in a wading pool of chocolate pudding.



i.e., wrestle with it, hellz yeah!



Can I get an Amen!

Opening Credits

Screenwriting 101--


Inciting Incident

Every single movie ever made has an INCITING INCIDENT, a.k.a., the event that kicks the story into gear, gets things moving. The unfolding story is a result of the INCITING INCIDENT.

Think of some of your favorite movies, and the INCITING INCIDENT in each one.


"Toy Story" ?

"The Lord of the Rings" ?

Every porn ever made ?


(hint: the cable needed fixing... or someone ordered a pizza)



And then we have Genesis, chapter 37:

The story of Joseph and his fabulous D & G coat of many colors.
I become frustrated, arguing with the Bible--
"If only Jacob hadn't given little Joe that coat, his brothers wouldn't have gotten jealous and tossed him in a pit, sold him to the Ishmaelites, who took him to Egypt, yada yada yada, 400 years later-- BOOM-- we're slaves!"

The INCITING INCIDENT: That darn coat! (Disney movie?)

But y'see, that HAD to happen! Without that coat, there's no Exodus, no ten commandments, (no career career for Charlton Heston).
Besides, the bible would only be one book! As J.K. Rowling will tell you, that's no way to make a buck!

Sequels! Sequels! Sequels!


Besides, God told Abraham that his descendants would become "strangers in a strange land" and become slaves for 400 years" (Gen. 15:13); kind of a spoiler alert.


"If only Eve hadn't listened to that snake... we'd still be in the Garden of Eden."

But that's not a story!!!


If only Dorothy knew ahead of time about clicking her heels three times, she wouldn't have had to go through all that rigamarole with those three morons, and the witch and the great and powerful Oz...
Of course, then you have no movie... and that's the whole point of the film...

the Journey! Not the destination.




(Rigamarole?)

"Dad Always loved you best!"

"Now Israel [a.k.a., Jacob] loved Joseph more than all his children... and he made him a coat of many colors. And when his brothers saw that their father loved him more than all his brothers, they hated him..." (Gen. 37:3-4)



"A man should not single out one of his children for favored treatment,
for because of two extra coins' worth of silk, which Jacob gave to Joseph [in the form of his multi-colored coat] and not to his other sons, Joseph's brothers became jealous of him, and one thing led to another until our ancestors became slaves in Egypt."

-- Babylonian Talmud, Shabbat 10b



The obvious lesson of Genesis, 37: Don't play favorites with your kids (or at least don't make it obvious)


Sibling Rivalry!


Growing up, my brothers and I would go to our father and demand, "Who's favorite? Which son do you love the most?"

He'd smile, shake his head, and always say the same thing.

"Boys, if you cut off all my fingers, they'll all hurt the same amount."




Huh????



Thanks, Dad, for comparing fatherly love to the movie "Saw"...



My Dad, the Sweeney Todd of Father-Son chats.




Homer: "Hey! Apu just called. This Friday, Lisa's team is playing
Bart's team. You're in direct competition. And don't go easy on
each other just because you're brother and sister. I want to see
you both out there, fighting for your parents' love!
[flicks light on and off]
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!..."


-- Mike Scully, "The Simpsons", Season 6, episode 8

Oops!

Remember the previous post, about everyone making mistakes, even God. Well...


"So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him, male and female created he them."
-- Genesis 1:27

Okay, screwed up syntax aside, this is one helluva verse!
What Yoda is saying, basically, is that we are all special, we all have that Divine spark inside of us, so treat everybody with respect and kindness.

In other words... EVERYBODY POOPS! Everybody, no matter race, religion, Ben & Jerry's flavor preference... no matter what, we are all connected. Everybody has God inside of them.

And Everybody Poops.


And so does God.

What do you think the Flood was all about?
God was flushing away all the shitty people.
And Noah was that little blue circle-thingie clinging (or cleaving, if you will) to the rim, trying to make the bowl of the world smell better.



By the way, Heath Bar Crunch!

Man and Woman

Second take:

"Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave unto his wife: they shall be one flesh."
-- Genesis 2:24


Now, you right wing conservatives... before you start spoutin' off with "See, man and woman should be together, Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve... (it rhymes! it MUST be true)

Before you do that--
Adam and Eve, let's examine their relationship:
They talk to a snake, disobey God, break the ONE rule in the world, get kicked out of Paradise, and raise a couple of upstanding boys... till one kills the other.

Shyeah, ideal couple.

Pobody's Nerfect.

We all make mistakes-- hell, The Flood (Genesis, ch.s 6-8) is God taking a big eraser and starting fresh, grabbing the Earth like a basketball, shouting "Do over! Do over!"
That's why the Bible is so cool-- the people in it aren't perfect (relax, I haven't gotten to Jesus yet... maybe he was a lousy tipper).
The first people disobey God, their kids murder each other, Noah gets drunk, his son laughs at his naked ass (9:22), etc.

I KNOW You Want To Cleave Me

"Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave unto his wife: they shall be one flesh."
-- Genesis 2:24


First of all, although a man might try to cleave unto his wife, she might not be in the cleavin' mood. So fellas, you just cleave yourself in the shower.

(ya' get it? Am I subtle enough?)


Second-- what the hell are a "father and mother?"
At this point, ain't no such thing! Come on, the male and female GENDERS were created just a few verses earlier. Adam and Eve had no mammy and pappy (imagine two naked old geezers, in rockin' chairs on the porch of... Eden, with fig leaves down around their knees).

Now, I have been married for nearly 6 months, but I met my wife 6 years ago.


"one flesh"... hmmm.

My dad says:
"LOVE means never having to say 'I'm sorry.' But MARRIAGE means constantly saying 'I'm sorry,' everyday, no matter, even when you don't think you did anything wrong."

And there are three magic words a married couple says to one another every day?

(sniff sniff) "Was that you???"

For the first year of dating, my wife didn't expel any sort of odor or sound in my presence.

After a couple years of dating, she'd sheepishly ask me, "Is it okay if I fart?"

Once we got engaged, she brazenly announced it.
"Faaaarrrrt!"
Just enough time to duck and cover, like Arnold Schwarzenegger yelling before an explosion, "Get down!" (read that out loud, in his voice, it's fun).

Now we're married, and I don't even get a warning.
It's just the sound of a dying elephant emanating from my beloved's ass!

And y'know what?
I love her for it.

Why?

Because I am a sick bastard.


And because we are "one flesh."

Fact, Fiction, My Filosophy

It's important to remember that the Bible, whether or not you believe it to be factual or a fable or parable-- it has a purpose!


A dolphin?


No, goober, that's a porpoise.


(ZING!)

(sigh... eye roll)

(let's keep moving)

The PURPOSE of the Bible...?

Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?


That is... to TEACH us stuff.

Most importantly, to teach us how WE can live our lives better.


My philosophy:

"Rabbi Hillel said, 'Be a disciple of Aaron, the High Priest...
LOVE PEACE, PURSUE PEACE, LOVE YOUR FELLOW CREATURES, BRING THEM CLOSER TO THE TORAH.'"
-- Pirke Avot (Ethics of the Fathers), 1:12


Hey, holier-than-thou religious folks!
Before you tell gay people they're headed to eternal damnation--- check out the first 3/4 of the previous statement.
Do you love the idea of everybody getting along?
Do you try and make that happen? Do stuff that encourages peace in the home/workplace/sandbox/titty bar-- wherever?!
Are you nice to people? Tip well? Wave ahead cars in traffic?

Well, only after you do ALL that stuff, should you try to...

Bring people closer to the Bible and its teachings-- but don't be a douche about it!

Bible-- Fact & Fiction & The Princess Bride

Of course, the Devil can quote Scripture to serve his purpose... so that's what I'm doing!

Let me say... I don't think ANYTHING in the Bible should be taken at face value, as is.

Take it all with a grain of Lot's wife.

Realize it is a story.
Even if you assume it's a TRUE story!
Assume away!!
But realize that the Bible, factual or fable-icious, has a purpose, and that purpose is to make us behave ourselves!!!
Make us better people.

Does it matter if it REALLY happened?

EXAMPLE:


Two nights ago, the wife and I watched the first 15 minutes of "The Usual Suspects" before she fell asleep (the film lasted twice as long as I do... zing... she's gonna kick my ass).
I have seen it several times, so here I go...

Spoiler Alert! (wife, stop reading!)



(ready?)

"Usual Suspects":
Just 'cause K-Space made up all that stuff, does that make the story or the movie any less awesome?
Or does it make the movie even MORE awesome?

Or do you feel kinda used afterward? Like Spacey just jerked around.

Me, too.


Better example:

"The Princess Bride"

The actual movie, chronologically, is in real-time, a grandpa reading a made-up story to his sick grandson (BORING!). Clearly takes place when it was made, 1987 (just check out the archaic video games the grandson, Fred Savage, is playing).
But the REAL movie is the story the grandpa TELLS-- "The Princess Bride... by S. Morgenstern"--

The story of Westley and Buttercup, Humperdinck, Fezzik, "My name is Inigo Montoya...", the fireswamp, six-fingered schmuck, jokes, romance, adventure, too blave, etc.

THAT's what's really important.

And the moral of the story?...

The grandson feels love from it. And it helps the grandpa express that love for little Fred Savage (... before he got a Wonder Years boner for Winnie.
So it's like that with the Bible.

Even if it ain't necessarily so.
So?
So what?
It's still a great story... with a lot to teach us.

After all...

Lot's wife gets turned into a pillar of salt!!!!
Come on!
That shit is messed... up!

That teaches us... something!!!


... Don't marry Lot.


also-- "Don't look back... something might be gaining on you."
-- Satchel Paige (look it up)



Finally, I'd be remiss if I didn't briefly gush over arguably the greatest film of all-time--- "The Princess Bride." I am not kidding.

Directed by one of my faves-- Rob Reiner, who also directed the TOTALLY AWESOME "This Is Spinal Tap" and "When Harry Met Sally."

But Princess Bride---
It informed my sense of romance, love, Zorro-esque swashing (not to mention buckling)
and came in a great year of films that were very influential on my childhood:

1987

The Princess Bride
Mannequin
Dirty Dancing

(yes, I am a woman)

Spaceballs
La Bamba (yeah... i remember that)
Roxanne (Steve Martin's greatest film... ya' heard me!)
Innerspace (Martin Short, Dennis Quaid)
Overboard (Kurt Russell, Goldie Hawn)
Summer School (with Marc Harmon, check it out)

honorable mentions:

Three Amigos! (released December 1986; Steve Martin's 2nd greatest film)

Ducktales: Treasure of the Golden Suns (feature-length pilot episode of the greatest Disney cartoon series EVER... bring it on, nerds!)



Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors

(My first viewing of a woman in a bra)

ahem

(She was a sexy nurse, seducing some guy... and I liked it)

(The nurse also turned out to be Freddy Krueger and killed the guy)

ahem
(Explain anything about me?)

sigh
(Who wants some ginger snaps?)

Yes, I'm Gonna Marry A Carrot (Gen. 1:29)

Hey, you ever watch the Food Network? Sure you do! Because you're pathetic like me!
In pretty much every single episode of “Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives” on the Food Network the enthusiastically disgusting host, Guy Fieri (who isn't nearly as fat as he should be), consumes massive amounts of bacon-burgers, pulled pork, clams, ribs, etc. If it had a pulse, this guy ate it.
First of all, pulled pork sounds like an unkosher porn.
Secondly
What's the big deal? Why shouldn't we eat what/whomever we want?


First, two verses from Genesis--
1:28-29

"God blessed them (Adam and Eve). God said to them, 'Be fruitful, multiply, fill the earth, and subdue it. Have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the sky, and over every living thing that moves on the earth.'

"God said, 'Behold, I have given you every herb yielding seed, which is on the surface of all the earth, and every tree, which bears fruit yielding seed. It will be your food.'"

I am a vegetarian, for twelve years now. And people often ask me, "Why? Is it for health reasons or moral reasons?"

In other words, "Are you self-conscious or self-righteous?"

Well, when I was a kid, we had a pet beagle. My older brother was closest to her and after she died, the next time we went to a restaurant, he looked down at his dinner and started to cry, thinking of our dog.
We learned our lesson-- we stopped going to that Vietnamese restaurant.

What I want to know is—-- who was the first person to look at chicken's beady eyes, dirty feathers and pointy beak and think, "Mm-mm! Put that in a bucket and I'll eat it with my hands!"

Then there are the religious folks, who say, "God put animals on this planet to be food for US!" If that's true then someone forgot to mention that to the animals! They sure seem reluctant when we try to help them fulfill God's mission.

We have dominion over all creatures of the earth... A king has dominion over his kingdom, but he doesn't eat his subjects... peasant paprikash. A Modest Proposal by Yonatan Swift

People can't comprehend it. Meat is so readily available, how can you NOT eat it?
Well, the same way I can walk by an attractive person on the street and not grope them—I exhibit self control for the benefit of another living thing (and also to avoid restraining orders).

But some ambivalence remains--

Rabbi Joshua ben Nehemiah said, “God created people with 4 attributes of the higher beings (a.k.a., angels) and 4 attributes of the lower beings (a.k.a., beasts).

An Angel-- Stand upright, speaks, understands, and sees.

A Beast- Eats, procreates, excretes, and dies.

See, I think a beast has more fun. That sounds like a Saturday night well-spent.


As any yid will tell you, Jewish Holidays are defined by what we eat— Shabbat (meat, fish, challah), What we DON’T eat – Yom Kippur (anything), Or both – Passover (we eat matzah , we don't eat bread)


God/rabbis (depending on who you think decreed various laws) are smart,
they knew food is key to religious consciousness.
In the Ancient Near East, there were Pilgrimage Festivals, Harvest Festivals, peoples lives revolved around food because their lives depended on it, in a desperate way that we don’t today.
Food was everything! Just getting breakfast was Life and Death! Today breakfast is Life and Trix and Cheerios.

(zing!)

Of course, some say "Eat to live, don’t live to eat." That's a bunch of hooey, bunch of bologna… Mmmmm... what were we talking about?

But now I am in Israel, the Land of Milk and Honey! Which sucks if you're a vegan.

But that is what Kashrut is all about:
Self-control, and thinking about WHERE our food comes from.


But People don’t WANT to think about it.


Check out this excerpt from the greatest show on earth.
Season 7, episode 5, "Lisa the Vegetarian":

After going to a petting zoo, the family sits down to dinner.

Lisa: I can't eat this. I can't eat a poor little lamb. [Pushes her
plate away.]
Homer: Lisa, get a hold of yourself. This is lamb, not A lamb.
Lisa: What's the difference between this lamb and the one that kissed
me?
Bart: This one spent two hours in the broiler.


One more--

Homer: Wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute. Lisa honey, are you
saying you're *never* going to eat any animal again? What about
bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad! Those all come from the same animal!
Homer: [Chuckles] Yeah, right Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal!!

not that you asked... 1

from Oct. 10, 2009:


Not that you asked, but

I am sitting here beside my wife,
we are both in our underpants,
we have attempted our first baking endeavor in Israel
It went... poorly
Apparently there is a thing here called "Celsius"...

we just made a bread pudding and brownies from scratch,

(ahem)

The tops are burned, the middles are uncooked.

They're like sweet, little, bi-racial still-born children.

...and we shall eat whatever we can, then abort the uncooked placenta filling.

Fear and Loathing in the Holy Land

I love the genius that is Aaron Sorkin.
Creator and overlord of the "The West Wing."

Just watch "The West Wing"-- the arguments between Deputy Chief of Staff Josh Lyman and his dutiful assistant Donatella Moss rival anything you might find in the Talmud.
Playing Devil's advocate, that's what the art of Jewish argument is all about. "I'm not saying I believe what I'm saying, but for those who do..."

That love of argumentation and scrutinization of every aspect of a situation over-analyzing is on display in some of the most prolific minds of the last half century.
Alan Dershowitz and Larry David and the pain-in-the-ass hagglers at the shuk, the open-air market in the heart of Jerusalem.


My wife and I arrived in the Holy Land Thursday afternoon, October 1st of this year.

Two nights later, Saturday night, we went to a bar on Ben Yehuda Street, the closest thing to Times Square in Jerusalem.
About 6 square blocks of ice cream stores, bars, felafel stands and desperate musicians peddling their wares. Quaint, compared to New York.

Then the wife and I returned to our apartment, 20 minutes outside the hub of the capitol.

Lying in bed, midnight, Saturday night, full of alcohol, we did what any married couple would do... we watched DVDs of "The West Wing."
Season 3, Episode 5--
Nancy McNally, The National Security Advisor to fictional President Josiah Bartlet, relayed some bad news.

Nancy McNally: "A bomb went off outside a cafe on Ben Yehuda in Jerusalem. It was a suicide bomber, 10 people were killed, 125 injured, mostly young adults... two of the dead were American students."


[Gulp]

My wife and I looked at each other, eyebrows raised and eyes panicked.

And you know what we did the next night?

We joined a couple Israeli friends and went right back to Ben Yehuda Street... because that's what Israelis do. They look fear in the eye, they face threats and danger, and they say (in an Israeli accent), "Ehhh, to the hell with you! I no scared of your ass!"

There's a reason so many Israelis appear rude, brusque, rough around the edges.
It's because they are.
It's because they have to be, for as long as they (or anyone) can remember,
and as long as the Bible has been in circulation---
Jews in the whole world, but especially the Middle East, have had to be tough.
Just to get through the day.

Sacrificing Izzy (Genesis 22)

AKEDAT YITCHAK (The Binding of Isaac)

Was Abraham a lousy dad?
Insane?
Did he pass or fail his "test"?
Did he misunderstand God's request?
"to bring up Isaac"
Was God cruel in asking Abe to do it? His "one and only son?" (Gen. 22:2)
What happened on that mountain, before Abe tied Izzy to the altar?
What happened when they came back down and went home to Sarah?
What about the 2 young guys who went with them, what did they talk about while they waited at the bottom of the mountain?

What does it say about Islam, that one of the holiest places for them is the spot on which it's believed Abraham nearly murdered his son? Dome of the Rock?
That's not totally fair, since it is also the spot from which they believe Mohammed ascended to heaven on his horse (like John Wayne).
Which, of course, is ridiculous because that's not the way Prophets die!
As we all know Elijah ascended to heaven in a gold and diamond flaming chariot with flaming horses (they were FABULOUS studs!)(2nd Kings 2:8, but we'll get to that).
Now THAT'S an exit! Ha! Beat that, mo-mo.


Is Abraham our inspiration? Our role model?

Some Christians look at the "Binding of Isaac" as a precursor to Jesus, how God sacrificed his "son"... or whatever.

I am reminded of the words of President Josiah Bartlet, from Aaron Sorkin's "The West Wing"-- season 3, episode 1, written and aired three weeks after 9/11,
titled (what are the odds?) "Isaac and Ishmael",

When asked if there something noble in being a martyr, President Bartlet says,

"We don't need martyrs right now, we need heroes.
A hero would die for his country, but he'd much rather live for it."

Genesis 6

Noah

Hero?
Overrated Lackey?
Dr. Dolittle?
Animal Pimp?

The first verse of the Noah story (Gen. 6:9):

"These are the generations of Noah: Noah was a just man and perfect in his generations, and Noah walked with God."

This verse encapsulates Biblical commentary in all its glory!

B'keetzor (to sum up)-- Noah was super great "in his generations."

There are (at least) two ways to look at this verse--

1) Noah was great, a helluva guy... among all the douchebags that surrounded him. Just imagine imagine how great he would've been if he had been surrounded by actually half-way decent people. He would've really shined!
Was he righteous?

OR
2) Noah was great, a helluva guy... among all the douchebags that surrounded him. Compared to THOSE assclowns, he was righteous, but compared to anyone half-way decent, he was just so-so. Only because everyone else was so awful did Noah seem special.


A lovely flower surrounded by shit. Does it look or smell better, because it's so much better compared to its neighbors. Or, if you place it next to nice daisies, will it smell EVEN BETTER?
Like a great ballplayer on a crappy team-- In 1972, Steve Carlton was the best pitcher in baseball, leading the league in wins (27), strikeouts (310) and ERA (1.97). He did all of this while a member of the god-awful last-place Philadelphia Phillies, a team that won a league-worst 57 games (they lost 97).

In 1927, Babe Ruth hit an amazing 60 home runs and scored 158 runs (both among the all-time records). He was a member of a New York Yankees squad that notched 110 wins, featuring 5 Hall of Famers, in addition to Ruth.

Who was better, Carlton in '72 or Ruth in '27?

Or Noah?

It depends... what kind of curve ball did Noah have?
(ask his son, Kham)
ha ha, get it?
b/c in Genesis 9:22, Kham "saw the nakedness of his father." Oops!
Yechhhhh. Of course Kham's son, Canaan, is cursed, because Kham gazed on Noah's dingle-hopper. Bummer.

Or Babe Ruth in 1927? Better when surrounded by crap or by flowers?

Playing God

Genesis 2:15
"And the Lord God took the man and put him into the Garden of Eden."

The Puppet Master!
It sounds like God is playing house... or playing with Barbie dolls.
Which makes sense, because I know when my brother's and I stumbled on my Mom's vintage 1960 Barbie dolls, the first thing we did was take off their clothes and make them have sex!
So we were really playing God.

Baseball and Religion

I am from Philadelphia, PA. I am a Phillies fan.

And my team is currently receiving a beat-down in the 2009 World Series.
I have been watching the games, broadcast in Israel from 3 AM to 6 AM each night.

And I've been thinking... I am out of my mind!

Also, baseball is a lot like religion.

We have rituals, beliefs, hope, faith, rely on forces outside our own powers for happiness and "deliverance."


Also, the Yankees are Satan.

We wear special "hats" that make us feel closer to our Heroes.
If I stand in that spot and wear these clothes, my group shall be victorious.
I mutter nonsensically (Nobatter, Nobatter, Nobatter... Yigh, nigh, nigh nigunim).
If I concentrate hard enough, I believe I might affect someone thousands of miles away.


For me especially, Baseball and Religion are inextricably linked (quite the adverb, huh? I think it means "really, really").
I started following the Phillies during the 1993 season... because they were kickin' ass and takin' names! I hopped on that bandwagon!
In October of 1993 my Phillies went from cellar dwellers to champions of the National League.
They then met the Toronto Blue Jays in the World Series. Let's not belabor the heartache, the Phillies lost in one of the most dramatic (and for me, soul-stomping) moments in World Series history. But I was officially a Phillies fan.
A few months later, my grandfather died (z"l), I started going to shul each night when my Dad would recite the Mourner's Kaddish, and I began getting interested in Judaism. Then, I developed psychological problems rooted in blessings and prayers.
Also, the Phillies began to suck big time. Between 1995 and 2000, The Phillies had the worst record in the National League, and I developed Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

Stay tuned for more details later on, where we learn about my "talking to crackers" and my year and half of abstinence... from myself!

What's My Motivation?

Why?
why is the question?
why, after 8 years of jewish elementary school education
and 6 years of middle and high school pluralistic jewish education
and four years at the Jewish Theological Seminary
and four more years of teaching at three separate Hebrew Schools in Brooklyn and Manhattan

why, after all this norishkeit, have i decided to read the Bible?
The entire Bible?
(And nothing but the Bible, so help me... God?)

Because I've never read it, cover to cover. And what better time and place, than in Jerusalem, when I have plenty of free time?
Besides, my whole life I've sat at the back of the classroom and mocked various psukim (verses), now let's take a deeper look (like the OBGYN said) and really explore this book, while still having a good time.

Also, why in God's name am I reading the KING JAMES version of the bible???
If you're my wife, you're a little disappointed.
If you're my parents, you're very disappointed... but that has more to do with the previous 27 years than anything else.

Also, if you're my wife, you've seen me naked. And for that, my apologies.

I think I made my case in the opening sentences. I have been entrenched, ensconced and mired in Jewish education all my life. If I sound a little suffocated... well, religion can be suffocating. I know, I know, treat religion as a blessing, not a burden.
and treat women as people, not as hookers. Easier said than done.
Remember what Jasmine said, "I'm not a prize to be won."
Well, that department is taken care of-- I got married 4 and a half months ago.
I am 27. The missus is 24.
We met as undergrads in college (more on that later).
Oh, and another thing...
My wife is going to be a rabbi.

Say, what????
Aaron, I hear you rhetorically asking, Have you been drinking?

Ha ha, oh reader-- of course I have. But it's true. My wife is studying to be a rabbi-- which is why she is in Jerusalem right now, at a modern Yeshiva.
Which is also why I am in Jerusalem, too.
So here's the skinny:
8 plus 6 plus 4-- 18 years of Jew learnin', plus 4 years of kiddie Jew teachin', plus married to a future lady rabbi, plus livin' in Jerusalem, plus immature and can't take anything seriously especially religion, and dabbles in sketch and stand-up comedy and a one-man show,
with a history of religiously-based Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, who is now more content to watch DVDs of THe West Wing and The Simpsons on Saturday morning than to go to synagogue.
Oh, and I curse.

So, in the following pages, you will read MY interpretation of the Bible-- King James version, or "Old" and "New" "Testaments..."

It also chronicles my stay in the holy land, Israel,
but really, all I want for my wife and I, much like Kevin Costner and Morgan Freeman at the beginning of Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, is to survive Jerusalem and remain best friends... also, I'd like to kill Alan Rickman.

Peace!!

Mission Statement

Okay, here we go.
I have allotted six months.
About 11 pages a day.
To read a total of 1850 pages.
Of the King James Bible.

Of the word

Of God.

… okay, maybe not exactly. But hopefully it will be amusing, interesting and maybe even a bit moving.


This is NOT a literal translation of the Bible,

This is a tongue-in-cheek look at the most famous book in history,
commentary mixed with personal anecdotes, tangents and
with moments of truth, pain, thought, innuendos, bodily functions, pop culture references... and scatalogical humor.

And I will try to avoid "That's what she said."

But no promises.

Basically, a Biblical commentary for the rest of us.
And a window into my soul... you peepin' tom sicko.

Enjoy.

Oh, How can you I will be honest and upfront with you? That my commentary has no ulterior motive?

I shall endear myself to you--
All my life, for as long as I can remember, I have had more hair on my ass than on my chest.

Now THAT'S honesty.

Let the sharing begin!

Gen. 1 -6

Okay, that whole opening HAS GOT to go!

ha ha, not really. But it is interesting that someone felt the need to say the words "in the begininng" in the beginning. I mean, isn't that self-evident? Doesn't that go without saying? Apparently not. When else would you begin a story like this?


First of all,
I have just read the first few pages....

Of the bible.

Of the word

Of God.

… okay, maybe not exactly.
How can the Bible POSSIBLY be the word of God, verbatim?

How? Does God speak English? Does God say “Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed...” (Gen. 1:11)
No way! A dude wrote that down. A fancy shmancy, pantaloon-wearing, frilly cravate-sportin’, twice-a-year bathing sissy-mary from the Middle Ages... or thereabouts.
Which is fine. That is how it is, was and ever shall be.
Shakespeare, etc.
King James—

A little history-- I will research that, don't worry.

And who decides what is IN the Bible, and what is NOT? I will look into that, too.
Relax, I won’t get too “Da Vinci Code”-esque, but really think about it. Why is there a story about Purim (Queen Esther vs. Haman) but not a story about Hanukkah (The Maccabees/Hasmoneans)?
Plenty of people are who are much smarter than I am have expounded on that stuff, so I won’t waste your time. But, suffice it to say, someone made those decisions, and it sure as shit wasn’t God, or Buddha or Allah, or Jesus.
Or you or me.
Someone else. And when you read these words, you’re reading a story. Might be factual, might not. That doesn’t even matter. It’s a story… but it’s not the whole story.
Even if you believe Noah literally took two of every species on a big boat for a month and half… that can’t be the whole story. Someone—or some people—decided to include this anecdote, ignore THAT, focus on THIS, casually mention THAT.
You want an example?

Creation
Adam and Eve
Garden of Eden
Cain and Abel
Noah
Flood
Have I missed anything from the first 8 chapters of Genesis? Did I hit the bullet points?

What about Genesis 6:4—
“There were giants in the earth in those days; and also after that, when the sons of God came in unto the daughters of men, and they bare children to them, and the same became mighty men which were of old, men or renown.”
Okay… what the hell?? When did THIS happen? What the hell does it mean?
Sounds a lot like Greek mythology, if you ask me. Wasn’t Hercules the offspring of a human lady and a god? What the hell is this doing in the monotheistic, Judeo-Christian manifesto?
The problem with commentators is that I never know whether to take them at their word—
Are they truly trying to make sense of this? Or are they just trying to explain away anything that might shake our faith? OR both?
Make up your own mind.