Preparation H- oly Babble

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The carbuncle plays a surprisingly large role in the Bible.
It is only mentioned 4 times… but even THAT is still surprising.

If you don’t know what a carbuncle is, stay tuned, it’s worth it.

First— two bible verses:

God, describing a breastplate the Israelites must fashion for the high priests:

“And thou shalt set in it settings of stones, even four rows of stones: the first row shall be a sardius, a topaz, and a carbuncle: this shall be the first row.”
(Exodus 28:17)

(this is repeated in Ex. 39:10)

In Ezekiel 28:13, the prophet reminds the sinful King of Tyrus (and all people) how great the Paradise was:

Thou hast been in Eden the garden of God; every precious stone was thy covering, the sardius, topaz, and the diamond, the beryl, the onyx, and the jasper, the sapphire, the emerald, and the carbuncle, and gold:

Wow… a litany of stones… and carbuncle comes BEFORE gold???
This carbuncle must be one helluva rock!

(It’s also mentioned in Isaiah 54:12, describing how the faithful will have windows lined with the stone)

Well, according to the folks at Britannica, a carbuncle stone is
“a deep red, cabochon-cut almandine, which is an iron aluminum garnet.”

In other words, a red gemstone.

But that is just ONE definition.

(cue ominous music)

I will give the medical definition of “carbuncle” soon.
Firs, as I grew up, my father informed me that a carbuncle was pretty much like a hemorrhoid.

And guess what!
He was right!

If you’re strong enough, the following paragraph describes a carbuncle:

A carbuncle typically consists of two or more interconnected boils called furuncles; these are painful red nodules that form yellowish heads which burst to release pus and dead tissue… They occur most often in hairy skin areas or areas that are subject to friction—e.g., the back of the neck, the armpits, and the buttocks… While simple boils can be eliminated by the application of hot, moist dressings followed by washing with soap, carbuncles may have to be lanced and drained.
(from the Encyclopedia Britannica, on www.britannica.com )

First of all, I want my nieces and nephews to call “furuncle.”
Secondly, my dad knew I wasn’t ready to hear all of that!
So he said it was like a hemorrhoid.

And he taught me such complex medical terminology the only way he knew how… through the following joke:

There was a guy who was a Carbuncle Sucker.
His job was to lie flat on the floor and, while his customers would drop their pants and squat over him, he would suck the carbuncles out of their butt holes.
This was the job of the Carbuncle Sucker.
(quick aside—my father taught High School English for 37 years… back to the joke)

One day, the Carbuncle Sucker was doing his job, his face buried in some gentleman’s ass, sucking some gentleman’s carbuncle, when all of a sudden—the gentleman lets out a tremendous fart! Long and loud… and needless, to say, stinky.
“Sorry,” mutters the gentleman.
The Carbuncle Sucker looks up at him and says, “Sir… It’s people like you that make this job disgusting.”

End of joke.

And THAT is all I knew about carbuncles… until I read the Bible!

Just goes to show you…
Even something gross… can be a thing of beauty…

(and vice versa)


/Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?/
Thou art sweaty and dost attract mosquitoes/


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