Impressing the Ladies!

Remember-

In the book of Genesis, Jacob tricks his bleary-eyed pop and steals his brother's blessing and his inheritance.
(in Jacob's defense...um... his brother was hairy?)

So Jacob did what any of us would do... he ran!



He comes to a new land and sees some shepherds chillin' around a giant stone, as shepherds are wont to do (those that don't chat with flaming shrubbery).

The shepherds roll the "great stone" away, and below it is a well; their sheep drink from the well, then they roll the stone back (Gen. 29:2-3)

Wow.

Being a shepherd: non-stop thrill ride.

But check it--

Then, my man Jacob sees Rachel coming over with her dad's sheep, and you know happens ...

"When Jacob saw Rachel... and the sheep... Jacob went near and rolled the stone from the well's mouth and watered the flock" (Gen. 29:15).

Damn!

My King James version calls it "a feat of unusual strength." This ain't no Festivus. This is Jacob whippin' it out and showin' Rachel what he's made of.

And you know what... that's the smartest thing Jacob has done.


"And this takes us to the second rule of Being Steve: You have to do something excellent in her presence, thus demonstrating your sexual worthiness."

-- Rule #2, "Tao of Steve", written by Duncan North


This makes TOTAL sense! Ya gotta do something to make 'em go "Wow." Ya gotta impress the ladies (as my pal Malcolm X would say) by any means necessary!

It doesn't matter what you do to impress them... as long as you're good at it!

Everybody can do something!

Jacob could roll a bolder and give water to sheep. My buddy Frank can karaoke-sing to MeatLoaf's "I Would Do Anything For Love" better than anybody. Claire Standish can apply her lipstick simply by placing it in her cleavage, looking down and moving her head back and forth (and became queen of the Breakfast Club).
(Don't you... forget about me)

And I...


I can juggle.
(sigh)


And write immature poetry.

Back in college, when I was courting my now-wife, I was taking a Poetry class. So I read her the following poem, to show her... how sensitive I was?

I guess it worked. And the rest, as they say, is hysterectomy.

Enjoy.



The Love Poem To End All Love Poems



Love thy neighbor, wherever you roam.

Just you make sure her husband’s not home.

Love inspires poets to create works of art.

They say it’s like a red, red rose,
... or an Achy Breaky Heart.

What is love? Is it Attraction? Allure?

Baby, don’t hurt me. Don’t hurt me, no more. (What is love?)

They say love is blind, so it’s no great leap

To condone love with all: man, woman or sheep.

Love can be tricky, with one who is chaste.

But it certainly helps if you’re both shit-faced.

Affection’s elusive with a girl who is moral.

She might give you love, but she won’t give you… the time of day.

“At the touch of love, we all become poets.”

Plato said that. Boy, don’t I know it.

(ahem)

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

Thou art sweaty and thou dost attract mosquitoes.
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Men's Priorities

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Remember-

Throughout the book of Deuteronomy, God explains (through Moses) the rules and laws the Israelites are supposed to follow.

Chapter 20 deals with military service.

Who is temporarily exempt from military duty? (besides Klinger-- section 8!)

Check out verse 5:

"What man is there that hath built a new house, and hath not dedicated it? Let him go and return to his house, lest he die in the battle and another man dedicate it."

Verse 6, The same formula-- but for wine:

"What manjavascript:void(0)... planted a vineyard, and hath not yet eaten of it? ... let him also go... lest he die in the battle, and another man eat of it."

And, naturally, verse 7:

"What man is... betrothed to a wife and hath not taken her?... Let him go... lest he die in the battle, and another man take her."

BAM!

Here we see the three priorities in a man's life: Shelter, Booze, and Dames!

It's a natural progression: a place to sleep, something to eat/drink, and someone to share it with-- to eat, drink and be "merry"... unless she has a headache.

That sure would stink-- you go to all the trouble of building a house, or planting crops, or wooing a lady... and you die before you can enjoy any of it! Some OTHER guy is in YOUR bed, drinking YOUR wine, and being "merry" all over YOUR woman!

Now THAT'S getting the fuzzy end of the lollipop!

Unfair!

And God knew this.
Hence-- this very sensible rule.

How refreshing.
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