Prickly on the outside

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“And the LORD said unto Moses, ‘Depart,… unto the land which I sware unto Abraham… Unto a land flowing with milk and honey: for I will not go up in the midst of thee; for thou art a stiffnecked people.”

- Exodus 33:1-3

My last entry mentioned stubbornness, particularly that of “the children of Israel.” Those of you who’ve spent time in Israel know what I’m talking about will understand why I focus on that aspect of the Israeli persona.
The past 8 months have been great. I have loved my time living in the Holy Land. But sometimes I think the full title could be the (Ass)Holey Land. Israelis are a gruff bunch. During my first Hebrew class here, my very sweet teacher explained, rather apologetically, the term Sabra to our class. A native Israeli is called a “sabra,” which is Hebrew for “cactus.” Why? Because they are prickly on the outside, and sweet on the inside. Well, I’m not a surgeon, so I don’t know what’s on their insides, but many Israelis sure put the “prick” in “prickly.”
Truth be told, New Yorkers are the same way—brusque, loud, smelly… but really decent and helpful once you get to know them.
An “oleh” (someone who moves to Israel from elsewhere, usually the USA) explained that the biggest fear of Israelis is not war, bombs or terrorism… it’s being suckered by someone—jilted, cheated, taken advantage of. The fear of being a “friar” (not Tuck-- pronounced “fry-ah,”), or “chump” is the chief motivator behind much of Israeli rudeness—aggressive driving, aggressive price-haggling, an aggressive attitude towards… pretty much everything (including religion and land). I guess because Jews have gotten the fuzzy end of history’s lollipop for so long, Israelis are intent on not tolerating it anymore. NO more playing the victim. Makes sense—the were formed by the survivors of the Holocaust, and became a world power by the subsequent generation. Maybe that’s why the country’s military is so kick-ass—the attitude being “Maybe the world walked all over our ancestors and beat the crap out of them, but NOT US!”

I witness the “Sabra”-ness of Israelis totally, from 2 separate instances, within 30 minutes of each other.
Last Tuesday I went to return some headphones I purchased for my iPod. I had purchased them two days earlier. They cost 18 shekels… which is less than $5. I thought I was getting a great deal! Well, within a few hours, the left earpiece stopped working and started coming apart… not surprisingly. The lesson—you get what you pay for. I tried to return the headphones, at least for store credit.
Here’s how the store owner explained it to me:

“No return. You pay 18 shekels, of course they did break. Of course”
I complained. His response:
“This isn’t America.”

How did he KNOW I wasn’t a Sabra?
After that I wanted to say, “No, if this were America you’d be a deceitful contractor and I’d have you deported.”
But my Hebrew isn’t that good. So I just said,
“Is there no mercy in you?”
“What mercy? It’s 18 shekels. No mercy for 18 shekels.”
“But me buy these before 2 days ago from now!”
“So? What do you want me to do?”
“Me want new headphones.”
“So what can I do?”
“You can be fair!”
“ ‘Fair?’ What is this, ‘fair?’”
“Not you!”
“What can I do?”
(and because I ran out of ideas…)
“You can give me your pants!”
“I don’t have any.”

Liar! I looked over the counter (curios, I suppose)—he TOTALLY had pants!
What a douche.

From there, I angrily went to the open-air market: The Shuk. Shouting, haggling, money changing hands, fish heads on display, it’s exactly like the movie “Aladdin” when Jasmine starts slumming it outside the palace walls:
Big hairy guys screaming at you—“Sugar dates! Sugar dates and figs… and pistachios!” “Fresh Fish!!”
But all in Hebrew.
“Hello! Hello! Hello! Strawberries, 10 shekels!”
“Get Hummus! Felafel! Cheap and Good!”

I actually purchased two containers of hummus, 6 shekels each (good deal, believe me). I gave the vendor what I thought was a 50 shekel note. My change would be… (come on, SAT-time)… 38 shekels. And yet-- he gave me back 88 shekels!
“No no,” I tried to hand him back a 50 shekel note, “I gave YOU 50 shekels, this 50 is yours. I only get 38 back, not 88.”
The guy paused, thought, then said, “No, you gave me 100. That’s why I was confused before, so much money for just 12 shekels of hummus.”
“No no, I gave you—”
But he drowned me out, “No, no, you gave me 100, trust me. Take 88.”

I was speechless. I gave him 3 opportunities to steal from me. And he didn’t.
What the hell is WRONG with him?

The Hebrew word for “righteous person”, tzaddik, comes from the word for “right” or “correct”—“tzodek.” This man was both.

Just when you lose faith in people… a hummus vendor can restore it.
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Very Mature

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“And the LORD said unto Moses, I have seen this people, and, behold, it is a stiffnecked people.”

- Exodus 32:9


For the longest time, as far as I was concerned, the holiday of Yom Kippur was essentially one prayer-- the Vidui (pronounced Vee-Doo-ee)—literally, “Confession” (makes sense, since that’s kinda what the day is all about).
Everyone recites the Vidui prayer together, lightly beating their hearts with the left hand each time another sin is read, through all 22 phrases, a list of sins that we confesses to, in the order of the Hebrew “Aleph-bet.” It is a symbolic means of self-flagellation. The idea is that obviously not EVERYONE committed each of these sins, but we don’t want people to feel singled out so everyone stands and recites them all together.
I wish I could say the prayer jumped off the page for some profound reason—that all people should be responsible for one another, or that everyone is guilty of doing SOMEthing wrong (both noble and terrific idea)… but the truth is… it was because it made me think of erections.
I know! Me! What are the odds?!

“How?” I hear you ask rhetorically, with your eyes.
Well, Number 19 on the list of things we’ve done wrong in the past year is “kee-shee-noo Oh-ref”—literally translated: “We were stiff-necked.” It means being stubborn, something all of us have been guilty of doing. But I didn’t know that, I’d never seen that word before. I’d never seen “neck” used as a past-tense verb, either, so I thought it was pronounced “nekkid.”
“Stiff” and “nekkid.”
See where I’m headed?
I thought, “Well, if you’re gonna be stiff, you WANT it to happen when you’re nekkid.”
And then I LOL-ed. Guffawed, really, in the middle of synagogue... On the holiest day of the year… during one of the quiet parts.
Dozens of pairs of eyes turned towards me. I couldn’t tell anyone what I found so funny, so I faked stomach pains and left the sanctuary.

Repentance is some serious stuff.
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