Mr. Fix-It

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“Is not this the carpenter, the son of Mary…”

- Mark 6:3


“You're about to witness the most heterosexual moment of my life."

I spoke these words to my lovely bride two weeks ago, as I sat on the kitchen floor, preparing to screw...
... a wooden chair leg into the base with a screwdriver and screws I purchased at the Shuk.

(ahem)

Have you ever been to a hardware store in Jerusalem?
No. Y'know why? Half of 'em don't carry screws or nails!
It’s all electrical adapters and cholent pots. I’m not kidding.


Flanking our kitchen table, we have to two white, wooden folding chairs-- bulky, ancient, like little picnic tables.
And the seat of one chair was unstable because a washer bent and broke and the screw fell out.
Technical stuff, I know.
So I needed a new screw and nut.

Okay, I can’t go any further without addressing the propensity of woodshop terms to serve as sexual innuendos:

For starters: Wood, Screw, Nut, Nailed, and “Righty tightey, Lefty Loosey”
(ambidextrous erotica?)

So I ventured into the Shuk, Jerusalem's open-air market, in search of ... a screw (I thought they just sold produce and rugelech there).

I finally found a decent hardware store.
And then it hit me: I don't know ANY hardware terms in Hebrew.

This was the broken exchange:

Me: I need a small thing... to put in... a place... I want to move it...and go around and around... it is iron or silver?

Israeli: You mean you want "skroo"?

Me: (Ahem)... Yes, yes, that is it. Me want skroo.

(I sounded like a Frankenstein prostitute)

(oooh, I smell a sitcom!)

(... and it smells like crap)

Why would Israel have anything to do with carpentry?
It’s not like there was a famous carpenter who… wait… a… minute!

Bob Vila!
(Dated reference? Shall I say Ty Pennington? Hey, what about Norm Abram?)

Actually, we don’t know anything about Jesus’ carpentry skills… I’m guessing he wasn’t that good… since he didn’t stick with it. Did he just walk on water because he knew his boat would be shoddy and poorly-constructed? We hear about loaves and fishes, but nothing about bureaus or cabinets! Coincidence? Hardly!

And while we’re on the subject-- were the Romans just being super cruel and ironic when they killed Jesus, a carpenter, by nailing him to some pieces wood?
(“Here ya’ go, Jesus! How much would you charge for… yourself?”)

Like a Mexican chef being drowned in a vat of gazpacho… yeah.
Or if the Marx Brothers died of laughter.
Or if Beethoven died by getting a piano dropped on his head.

(sorry, I just watched “Who Framed Roger Rabbit”… Shave and a haircut...)


“Make thee an ark of gopher wood; rooms shalt thou make in the ark…”
- God to Noah, Genesis 6:14

“Noah… how long can you tread water?”
- God to Noah, acc. to Bill Cosby
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