Outside the Boxes

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“And I will betroth thee unto me for ever; yea, I will betroth thee unto me in righteousness, and in judgment, and in lovingkindness, and in mercies.
I will even betroth thee unto me in faithfulness: and thou shalt know the LORD.”

-Hosea 2:19-20

The above passage is recited while wrapping the leather phylacteries around the middle finger of the left hand, by traditional, observant Jewish men …

And my wife.

Last week I went to get my wife’s tallit dry cleaned and have her phylacteries fitted for boxes.

You know, a typical Friday in Jerusalem.

Well… not typical, exactly.
Not for Jerusalem… nor anywhere else.

You’d think— Hey, Jewish errands to run and you’re in Jerusalem, more Jews per square inch than anywhere else in the world (besides at a… make your own Jew joke—sale at Costco, Jackie Mason show, Herring & White Fish convention… it COULD exist).

And you’d be right, there a ton of Jews here… but like they say—for every 2 Jews, there are 3 opinions.

Or, as the Notorious B.I.G. put it, “Mo’ Jews, Mo’ Problems.”

(maybe that was the Notorious Bet-Aleph-Gimmel)

Modern, religious, free-thinking Jewish women don’t have it so easy here.

Kahl v’khomair, female rabbinical students!

First, some definitions:

Kahla v;khomair: A Talmudic phrase meaning “all the more so” (also sounds like an ancient Yiddish vaudeville duo)

Tallit: Hebrew for a prayer shawl, traditionally worn by Jews over 13 years of age in morning services, weekdays and on the Sabbath.

Phylacteries: the English word for “tefillin,” two leather straps connected to two small leather boxes containing parchment with verses from the Torah (incl. Ex.13:1-10 and Deut. 6:4-9), that observant Jews wear on their arm and head during morning prayers.

Brief sidebar: apparently “phylactery” has another meaning, according to wikipedia:
A lich, a type of undead creature in fantasy fiction can “achieve immortality by placing its soul in a phylactery” (i.e., a small box).

I know, I know—you were just about to say that!

Now a lot of Jews, the more traditional and close-minded variety, believe that women are not obligated and therefore SHOULD NOT wear a tallit or tefillin or even pray every morning.
Clearly these Jews have never seen the Will Ferrell film “Anchorman” (from 2004, screenplay by Adam McKay and Ferrell).
In the film, a bartender (played by Danny Trejo) says the following to Ferrell’s Ron Burgundy:
“You know, times are changing. Ladies can do stuff now and you're going to learn how to deal with it.”
To which Burgundy responds, “What? Were you saying something? Look, I don't speak Spanish.”

Amen, sir.

So I went to fit my wife’s phylacteries for some protective boxes at the local Judaica shop… I showed the tefillin to the store owner, a tender, matronly woman.
She made a “tsk” sound and said (in Hebrew), “Oh, so small. What small tefillin!”
I did not respond.
“Very very small.”
Now, if she spoke English, I had a plethora of witty retorts I could’ve dished out… all centered around the inferior size of my junk.
But in Hebrew it’s harder (zing! Y’see?!).
I have been burned in previous exchanged with store owner, explaining that my wife has all the power in our marriage and holds my “eggs” in her “arm,” so I have no use for “my underneath spots.”

Then I thought of simply telling her the truth—this could also get messy:
“I swear, they’re not mine! They’re… They’re my wife’s! Yeah! These are a WOMAN’S phylacteries!”
Even if she isn’t traditionally minded-- Oh god, she’ll think I’m a tefillin transvestite (Dr. Frank-N-Furter’s original song title)!”
But I didn’t say any of that… I just nodded, thanked them, and went on my merry way.

Living in Jerualem has made me appreciate America—not for the food, or the people…
But the space! America is HUGE! And size matters! (Y’see! It’s so easy in English! Like shooting fish in a barrel… then having sex with them).

I remember a scene in the 2008 film “Milk”, (written by Dustin Lance Black and starring Sean Penn, both won Academy Awards for this), about California’s first openly gay elected official. A gay teenager named Paul calls Harvey and they have the following exchange:

Paul: I'm sorry, sir. I read about you in the paper.
Harvey Milk: I'm sorry, I can't talk right now.
Paul: Sir, I think I'm gonna kill myself.
Harvey Milk: … No, you don't want to do that. Where are you calling from?
Paul: Minnesota.
Harvey Milk: You saw my picture in the paper in Minnesota? How did I look?
Paul: My folks are gonna take me to this place tomorrow. A hospital. To fix me.
Harvey Milk: There's nothing wrong with you - listen to me: You just get on a bus, to the nearest big city, to Los Angeles or New York or San Fransisco, it doesn't matter, you just leave. You are not sick, and you are not wrong and God does not hate you. Just leave.


Go watch the film, the scene only gets better.

The point is—America is ENORMOUS! It’s hard to comprehend—bigger than Europe.
Bigger than… Broadway!
(Sugar, nothin’s bigger than Broadway)

In Israel… there aren’t as many places to go if you’re a minority… an Arab, a Christian, a Muslim, a gay person… a strong, willful, independent woman.

There’s Tel Aviv… but that’s kinda all there is!

Israel is roughly the size of New Jersey. Not a lot of elbow room, so close-minded jerks keep poking you in the ribs if you think outside the box… the Tefillin Box!

I’m friends with some Israelis who are homosexual, but can’t come out because their family and friends would ostracize them.

And now I will list those people in alphabetical order:

No no, I am kidding.

Because I have no tact!

But really—

“Ah-rone” is the Hebrew word for closet… it’s also Hebrew for the ark of the Covenant (where the ten commandments were kept while the Israelites wandered the desert) and where we keep the Torah in synagogues today— an ark (not Noah’s kind).
And while an “ah-rone” might be lovely and useful and important… the Torah can’t be read and actually put to USE unless you remove it from the "ah-rone!"

Kahl v’khomair, with people.
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