What's My Motivation?

Why?
why is the question?
why, after 8 years of jewish elementary school education
and 6 years of middle and high school pluralistic jewish education
and four years at the Jewish Theological Seminary
and four more years of teaching at three separate Hebrew Schools in Brooklyn and Manhattan

why, after all this norishkeit, have i decided to read the Bible?
The entire Bible?
(And nothing but the Bible, so help me... God?)

Because I've never read it, cover to cover. And what better time and place, than in Jerusalem, when I have plenty of free time?
Besides, my whole life I've sat at the back of the classroom and mocked various psukim (verses), now let's take a deeper look (like the OBGYN said) and really explore this book, while still having a good time.

Also, why in God's name am I reading the KING JAMES version of the bible???
If you're my wife, you're a little disappointed.
If you're my parents, you're very disappointed... but that has more to do with the previous 27 years than anything else.

Also, if you're my wife, you've seen me naked. And for that, my apologies.

I think I made my case in the opening sentences. I have been entrenched, ensconced and mired in Jewish education all my life. If I sound a little suffocated... well, religion can be suffocating. I know, I know, treat religion as a blessing, not a burden.
and treat women as people, not as hookers. Easier said than done.
Remember what Jasmine said, "I'm not a prize to be won."
Well, that department is taken care of-- I got married 4 and a half months ago.
I am 27. The missus is 24.
We met as undergrads in college (more on that later).
Oh, and another thing...
My wife is going to be a rabbi.

Say, what????
Aaron, I hear you rhetorically asking, Have you been drinking?

Ha ha, oh reader-- of course I have. But it's true. My wife is studying to be a rabbi-- which is why she is in Jerusalem right now, at a modern Yeshiva.
Which is also why I am in Jerusalem, too.
So here's the skinny:
8 plus 6 plus 4-- 18 years of Jew learnin', plus 4 years of kiddie Jew teachin', plus married to a future lady rabbi, plus livin' in Jerusalem, plus immature and can't take anything seriously especially religion, and dabbles in sketch and stand-up comedy and a one-man show,
with a history of religiously-based Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, who is now more content to watch DVDs of THe West Wing and The Simpsons on Saturday morning than to go to synagogue.
Oh, and I curse.

So, in the following pages, you will read MY interpretation of the Bible-- King James version, or "Old" and "New" "Testaments..."

It also chronicles my stay in the holy land, Israel,
but really, all I want for my wife and I, much like Kevin Costner and Morgan Freeman at the beginning of Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, is to survive Jerusalem and remain best friends... also, I'd like to kill Alan Rickman.

Peace!!

Mission Statement

Okay, here we go.
I have allotted six months.
About 11 pages a day.
To read a total of 1850 pages.
Of the King James Bible.

Of the word

Of God.

… okay, maybe not exactly. But hopefully it will be amusing, interesting and maybe even a bit moving.


This is NOT a literal translation of the Bible,

This is a tongue-in-cheek look at the most famous book in history,
commentary mixed with personal anecdotes, tangents and
with moments of truth, pain, thought, innuendos, bodily functions, pop culture references... and scatalogical humor.

And I will try to avoid "That's what she said."

But no promises.

Basically, a Biblical commentary for the rest of us.
And a window into my soul... you peepin' tom sicko.

Enjoy.

Oh, How can you I will be honest and upfront with you? That my commentary has no ulterior motive?

I shall endear myself to you--
All my life, for as long as I can remember, I have had more hair on my ass than on my chest.

Now THAT'S honesty.

Let the sharing begin!

Gen. 1 -6

Okay, that whole opening HAS GOT to go!

ha ha, not really. But it is interesting that someone felt the need to say the words "in the begininng" in the beginning. I mean, isn't that self-evident? Doesn't that go without saying? Apparently not. When else would you begin a story like this?


First of all,
I have just read the first few pages....

Of the bible.

Of the word

Of God.

… okay, maybe not exactly.
How can the Bible POSSIBLY be the word of God, verbatim?

How? Does God speak English? Does God say “Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed...” (Gen. 1:11)
No way! A dude wrote that down. A fancy shmancy, pantaloon-wearing, frilly cravate-sportin’, twice-a-year bathing sissy-mary from the Middle Ages... or thereabouts.
Which is fine. That is how it is, was and ever shall be.
Shakespeare, etc.
King James—

A little history-- I will research that, don't worry.

And who decides what is IN the Bible, and what is NOT? I will look into that, too.
Relax, I won’t get too “Da Vinci Code”-esque, but really think about it. Why is there a story about Purim (Queen Esther vs. Haman) but not a story about Hanukkah (The Maccabees/Hasmoneans)?
Plenty of people are who are much smarter than I am have expounded on that stuff, so I won’t waste your time. But, suffice it to say, someone made those decisions, and it sure as shit wasn’t God, or Buddha or Allah, or Jesus.
Or you or me.
Someone else. And when you read these words, you’re reading a story. Might be factual, might not. That doesn’t even matter. It’s a story… but it’s not the whole story.
Even if you believe Noah literally took two of every species on a big boat for a month and half… that can’t be the whole story. Someone—or some people—decided to include this anecdote, ignore THAT, focus on THIS, casually mention THAT.
You want an example?

Creation
Adam and Eve
Garden of Eden
Cain and Abel
Noah
Flood
Have I missed anything from the first 8 chapters of Genesis? Did I hit the bullet points?

What about Genesis 6:4—
“There were giants in the earth in those days; and also after that, when the sons of God came in unto the daughters of men, and they bare children to them, and the same became mighty men which were of old, men or renown.”
Okay… what the hell?? When did THIS happen? What the hell does it mean?
Sounds a lot like Greek mythology, if you ask me. Wasn’t Hercules the offspring of a human lady and a god? What the hell is this doing in the monotheistic, Judeo-Christian manifesto?
The problem with commentators is that I never know whether to take them at their word—
Are they truly trying to make sense of this? Or are they just trying to explain away anything that might shake our faith? OR both?
Make up your own mind.