Posts
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Oh, Bible, you come up with the most reasonable explanations for obvious things!
Adam and Eve, snake, apple, etc.
As punishment, God tells the snake (Gen. 3:15):
"I will put enmity between you and and the woman, between your seed and her seed, it shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise his heel."
A-ha! So THIS is the reason why people and snakes aren't best buddies!
If not for the unpleasant apple incident, we'd have domesticated the snake years ago, we'd be picking up their snake shit in ziploc bags, put little suctions on car windows- "Boa on Board"...
Westminster Snake Show, you get the idea...
The bible I'm reading explains that this is a metaphor-- man will triumph over Satan, linking this to Romans 16:20-- "And God shall bruise Satan under your feet shortly."
Really? The embodiment of pure evil and wickedness in the universe and the best we can do is-- "I'm gonna squash him with my foot!"
I shall destroy the Prince of Darkness 'neath my Nike cross-trainer!
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Tuesday, November 17
Monday, November 16
Baby baby, oh baby baby" -- Salt 'N Pepper
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IRONY!!!!
God promises Abraham many kids (Gen. 13:16).
And yet, his wife
and his son's wife
and grandson's wife all had trouble gettin' preggers.
Sarah (Gen. 16:1); Rebekah (25:21); Rachel (29:31) -- all barren.
At first, not one of them could toss the ball through the hoop.
They couldn't knock over the milk bottle,
Ride the ferris wheel of procreation all the way to... God, I wanna go to a carnival!
(sigh)
One could say that God helping the matriarchs conceive emphasizes God's power-- showing how chosen the Israelites must have been, since they could barely conceive!
Or it reminds us what a true miracle childbirth is! It's unbelievable that it happens at all!
This barren problem is extra ironic, since the first mitzvah that people are commanded to do is procreate (Gen. 1:28).
Which at first seems redundant. Adam and Eve-- alone, chillin' in a garden, no TV or magazines, not to mention they are "naked, not ashamed," (Gen. 2:25) ... what ELSE are they gonna do? They really had to be TOLD to get "down with they bad selves??"
(insert your own "snake in her garden" joke)
Of course, God also told sea monsters and birds to procreate (Gen. 1:22)... not with each other... although maybe that's how we got dinosaurs...
Anyway, this biblical Narrative-Darwinism kinda makes sense-- before anything else, make sure the story keeps going by making more characters.
"...With an ability to survive, anything is possible, and without it... nothing."
-- Moss Hart, legendary Broadway writer/director/producer
"I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it." -- Beyonce
IRONY!!!!
God promises Abraham many kids (Gen. 13:16).
And yet, his wife
and his son's wife
and grandson's wife all had trouble gettin' preggers.
Sarah (Gen. 16:1); Rebekah (25:21); Rachel (29:31) -- all barren.
At first, not one of them could toss the ball through the hoop.
They couldn't knock over the milk bottle,
Ride the ferris wheel of procreation all the way to... God, I wanna go to a carnival!
(sigh)
One could say that God helping the matriarchs conceive emphasizes God's power-- showing how chosen the Israelites must have been, since they could barely conceive!
Or it reminds us what a true miracle childbirth is! It's unbelievable that it happens at all!
This barren problem is extra ironic, since the first mitzvah that people are commanded to do is procreate (Gen. 1:28).
Which at first seems redundant. Adam and Eve-- alone, chillin' in a garden, no TV or magazines, not to mention they are "naked, not ashamed," (Gen. 2:25) ... what ELSE are they gonna do? They really had to be TOLD to get "down with they bad selves??"
(insert your own "snake in her garden" joke)
Of course, God also told sea monsters and birds to procreate (Gen. 1:22)... not with each other... although maybe that's how we got dinosaurs...
Anyway, this biblical Narrative-Darwinism kinda makes sense-- before anything else, make sure the story keeps going by making more characters.
"...With an ability to survive, anything is possible, and without it... nothing."
-- Moss Hart, legendary Broadway writer/director/producer
"I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it." -- Beyonce
Saturday, November 14
She's a Lady... Woah woah woah
Abe and Sara:
"And he said to Sara his wife, 'Behold, I know that thou art a fair woman to look upon..." (Gen. 12:11)
Damn! Abe, you sweet-talker! Now THAT'S how you grease the wheels of romance... and Hebraic-monotheistic progeny.
This reminds me of the advice of my father--
"Women are like flowers:
They are soft
They are delicate
And if you keep them in your basement with no water or sunlight they will wither and die."
That's my Pop!
"Put the lotion in the basket!"
"And he said to Sara his wife, 'Behold, I know that thou art a fair woman to look upon..." (Gen. 12:11)
Damn! Abe, you sweet-talker! Now THAT'S how you grease the wheels of romance... and Hebraic-monotheistic progeny.
This reminds me of the advice of my father--
"Women are like flowers:
They are soft
They are delicate
And if you keep them in your basement with no water or sunlight they will wither and die."
That's my Pop!
"Put the lotion in the basket!"
Friday, November 13
Love-- a 4-Letter Word
"And Isaac... took Rebekah and she became his wife;
and he loved her"(Gen. 24:67)
Strange as it may seem, this is the first instance of someone actually LOVING someone else in the Bible.
Remember, God told Adam, "It's not good for man to be alone; I will make a help mate for him" (Gen. 2:18)-- not exactly flowers and candle light. Sounds like Adam and Eve are buddies, going on adventures, played by Mel Gibson and Danny Glover.
And God told Abraham to sacrifice Izzy, "your son, whom you love" (Gen. 22:1)
But that ain't romantic love!
Izzy and Becca, it's the first and last time LOVE is mentioned at all in Genesis!
You'd think LOVE would feature more prominently in the Book of Genesis, since Love helps in the CREATION of... you know... more people.
(bow chicka bow)
Love and Alcohol.
Speaking of both...
College:
In college, I watched as my buddies got girlfriends, rounded the bases multiple times, copped many-a feel, and it drove me crazy!
But not anymore.
Before I got married, some guys asked me, "Dude, you're settling down? Don't you want to play the field?"
I can honestly say... No. I was on the field for a short while and all I got were multiple concussions. Besides, you stay on the field too long, you end up crippled.
I never belonged on the field. I was never a "player." I wasn't even in the game! I wasn't on the team! I was outside the stadium, driving around, looking for a parking space.
Besides, now... why would I need to play the field? I already won the game.
and he loved her"(Gen. 24:67)
Strange as it may seem, this is the first instance of someone actually LOVING someone else in the Bible.
Remember, God told Adam, "It's not good for man to be alone; I will make a help mate for him" (Gen. 2:18)-- not exactly flowers and candle light. Sounds like Adam and Eve are buddies, going on adventures, played by Mel Gibson and Danny Glover.
And God told Abraham to sacrifice Izzy, "your son, whom you love" (Gen. 22:1)
But that ain't romantic love!
Izzy and Becca, it's the first and last time LOVE is mentioned at all in Genesis!
You'd think LOVE would feature more prominently in the Book of Genesis, since Love helps in the CREATION of... you know... more people.
(bow chicka bow)
Love and Alcohol.
Speaking of both...
College:
In college, I watched as my buddies got girlfriends, rounded the bases multiple times, copped many-a feel, and it drove me crazy!
But not anymore.
Before I got married, some guys asked me, "Dude, you're settling down? Don't you want to play the field?"
I can honestly say... No. I was on the field for a short while and all I got were multiple concussions. Besides, you stay on the field too long, you end up crippled.
I never belonged on the field. I was never a "player." I wasn't even in the game! I wasn't on the team! I was outside the stadium, driving around, looking for a parking space.
Besides, now... why would I need to play the field? I already won the game.
Wednesday, November 11
I Just Want To Be Loved... Is That So Wrong?
"Desperation is a stinky cologne"
-- Police Chief Grady, "Super Troopers," hilarious flick
Chapter 29 of Genesis is all about unrequited love.
Jacob...
"he also loved Rachel more than Leah" (verse 30)
But there is poetic justice:
"And when the Lord saw that Leah was hated, He opened her womb; but Rachel was barren." (31)
The first three sons of Leah:
Etymology of Hebrew Names:
Reuben = looking
Simeon = hearing
Levi = closeness, lit. "to me"
Leah had a son, named him Reuben, because "the Lord LOOKED upon my affliction, now therefore my husband will love me." (32)
She named her next son Simeon, "because the Lord HEARD I was hated." (33)
Third son, Levi, because Leah hoped "now this time my husband will be JOINED TO ME." (34)
(Same thing with poor Hagar, Abe's wife, Gen. 16:11)
Poor Leah!
She was the last kid picked last for softball, who had to take her cousin to Prom, who sat next to the teacher on class trips...
Never mind that Leah's offspring were the ancestors of Aaron and the priestly family (from Levi) and King David and his progeny (from Judah)...
Poor Leah, she wanted to be loved!
"Can anybody find me somebody to loo-oove?"
--Freddy Mercury, Queen
"I just want a love for the rest of my life, I wanna hold you in the morning, Hold you through the night"
-- Eminem
Freddy, Eminem, and Leah all share something...
Desperation!
And every single person has felt the same way.
"Jane, get me off this crazy thing... called Love."
-- "So I Married An Axe Murderer"
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-- Police Chief Grady, "Super Troopers," hilarious flick
Chapter 29 of Genesis is all about unrequited love.
Jacob...
"he also loved Rachel more than Leah" (verse 30)
But there is poetic justice:
"And when the Lord saw that Leah was hated, He opened her womb; but Rachel was barren." (31)
The first three sons of Leah:
Etymology of Hebrew Names:
Reuben = looking
Simeon = hearing
Levi = closeness, lit. "to me"
Leah had a son, named him Reuben, because "the Lord LOOKED upon my affliction, now therefore my husband will love me." (32)
She named her next son Simeon, "because the Lord HEARD I was hated." (33)
Third son, Levi, because Leah hoped "now this time my husband will be JOINED TO ME." (34)
(Same thing with poor Hagar, Abe's wife, Gen. 16:11)
Poor Leah!
She was the last kid picked last for softball, who had to take her cousin to Prom, who sat next to the teacher on class trips...
Never mind that Leah's offspring were the ancestors of Aaron and the priestly family (from Levi) and King David and his progeny (from Judah)...
Poor Leah, she wanted to be loved!
"Can anybody find me somebody to loo-oove?"
--Freddy Mercury, Queen
"I just want a love for the rest of my life, I wanna hold you in the morning, Hold you through the night"
-- Eminem
Freddy, Eminem, and Leah all share something...
Desperation!
And every single person has felt the same way.
"Jane, get me off this crazy thing... called Love."
-- "So I Married An Axe Murderer"
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Tuesday, November 10
Don't Know Much 'bout Etymology
In Genesis 32, Jacob has a dream-- he wrestles with an angel.
So God renames him "Israel" (verse 28) --
which translates to mean... "Isra"-- struggle/wrestle; and "El"-- God.
This is a common practice with Hebrew names. "Gabri-el" = Strong Man of God; "Ari-el(le)" = Lion of God; "Dani-el" = Judge of God.
So Jacob is renamed "Israel"...
Check it out--
Jews are like Native Americans !
(the similarities don't end there... Native-Americans used ALL of the buffalo, and we killed Jesus)
Jacob????
Why in the world would the Jewish people name themselves and their homeland after this guy?
He was hardly the MVP (most valuable patriarch) in the Bible. He deceived his father (27:25), stole his brother's birthright (27:35), played favorites with his wives (29:30)-- Rachel over Leah-- and with his sons (37:4)-- Joseph, causing his other sons to nearly commit fratricide.
And he picked his nose (probably)!
Why is Jacob/Israel the namesake for my people? Was he such a great guy?
Maybe not-- but he had a great name, and a great dream!
Jacob dreamed he was "wrestling with God"-- in other words, he was having a crisis of faith.
That dream symbolizes all of theology/religion/agnosticism!
It's saying, "It's okay to wrestle with/question God... in fact-- until you question God, you can't believe in God."
The more you question your faith, the stronger it will ultimately be.
Ya gotta question authority... even the Almighty!
Abraham did it (with Sodom and Gomorrah), Moses did it (arguing many times with the Almighty), and so should YOU!
In the introduction to his play, "Doubt", a drama about turmoil in a 1960s NY Catholic church, John Patrick Shanley wrote that having doubt is brave because it's so difficult. Certainty is easy, blind faith is simple, but to have doubt takes guts and strength.
When it comes to anything worthwhile, something you want, ask yourself-- "Are you sure?"
It's important to wrestle with your beliefs, and it's okay to change them.
So think of Faith as a bikini model in a wading pool of chocolate pudding.
i.e., wrestle with it, hellz yeah!
Can I get an Amen!
So God renames him "Israel" (verse 28) --
which translates to mean... "Isra"-- struggle/wrestle; and "El"-- God.
This is a common practice with Hebrew names. "Gabri-el" = Strong Man of God; "Ari-el(le)" = Lion of God; "Dani-el" = Judge of God.
So Jacob is renamed "Israel"...
Check it out--
Jews are like Native Americans !
(the similarities don't end there... Native-Americans used ALL of the buffalo, and we killed Jesus)
Jacob????
Why in the world would the Jewish people name themselves and their homeland after this guy?
He was hardly the MVP (most valuable patriarch) in the Bible. He deceived his father (27:25), stole his brother's birthright (27:35), played favorites with his wives (29:30)-- Rachel over Leah-- and with his sons (37:4)-- Joseph, causing his other sons to nearly commit fratricide.
And he picked his nose (probably)!
Why is Jacob/Israel the namesake for my people? Was he such a great guy?
Maybe not-- but he had a great name, and a great dream!
Jacob dreamed he was "wrestling with God"-- in other words, he was having a crisis of faith.
That dream symbolizes all of theology/religion/agnosticism!
It's saying, "It's okay to wrestle with/question God... in fact-- until you question God, you can't believe in God."
The more you question your faith, the stronger it will ultimately be.
Ya gotta question authority... even the Almighty!
Abraham did it (with Sodom and Gomorrah), Moses did it (arguing many times with the Almighty), and so should YOU!
In the introduction to his play, "Doubt", a drama about turmoil in a 1960s NY Catholic church, John Patrick Shanley wrote that having doubt is brave because it's so difficult. Certainty is easy, blind faith is simple, but to have doubt takes guts and strength.
When it comes to anything worthwhile, something you want, ask yourself-- "Are you sure?"
It's important to wrestle with your beliefs, and it's okay to change them.
So think of Faith as a bikini model in a wading pool of chocolate pudding.
i.e., wrestle with it, hellz yeah!
Can I get an Amen!
Opening Credits
Screenwriting 101--
Inciting Incident
Every single movie ever made has an INCITING INCIDENT, a.k.a., the event that kicks the story into gear, gets things moving. The unfolding story is a result of the INCITING INCIDENT.
Think of some of your favorite movies, and the INCITING INCIDENT in each one.
"Toy Story" ?
"The Lord of the Rings" ?
Every porn ever made ?
(hint: the cable needed fixing... or someone ordered a pizza)
And then we have Genesis, chapter 37:
The story of Joseph and his fabulous D & G coat of many colors.
I become frustrated, arguing with the Bible--
"If only Jacob hadn't given little Joe that coat, his brothers wouldn't have gotten jealous and tossed him in a pit, sold him to the Ishmaelites, who took him to Egypt, yada yada yada, 400 years later-- BOOM-- we're slaves!"
The INCITING INCIDENT: That darn coat! (Disney movie?)
But y'see, that HAD to happen! Without that coat, there's no Exodus, no ten commandments, (no career career for Charlton Heston).
Besides, the bible would only be one book! As J.K. Rowling will tell you, that's no way to make a buck!
Sequels! Sequels! Sequels!
Besides, God told Abraham that his descendants would become "strangers in a strange land" and become slaves for 400 years" (Gen. 15:13); kind of a spoiler alert.
"If only Eve hadn't listened to that snake... we'd still be in the Garden of Eden."
But that's not a story!!!
If only Dorothy knew ahead of time about clicking her heels three times, she wouldn't have had to go through all that rigamarole with those three morons, and the witch and the great and powerful Oz...
Of course, then you have no movie... and that's the whole point of the film...
the Journey! Not the destination.
(Rigamarole?)
Inciting Incident
Every single movie ever made has an INCITING INCIDENT, a.k.a., the event that kicks the story into gear, gets things moving. The unfolding story is a result of the INCITING INCIDENT.
Think of some of your favorite movies, and the INCITING INCIDENT in each one.
"Toy Story" ?
"The Lord of the Rings" ?
Every porn ever made ?
(hint: the cable needed fixing... or someone ordered a pizza)
And then we have Genesis, chapter 37:
The story of Joseph and his fabulous D & G coat of many colors.
I become frustrated, arguing with the Bible--
"If only Jacob hadn't given little Joe that coat, his brothers wouldn't have gotten jealous and tossed him in a pit, sold him to the Ishmaelites, who took him to Egypt, yada yada yada, 400 years later-- BOOM-- we're slaves!"
The INCITING INCIDENT: That darn coat! (Disney movie?)
But y'see, that HAD to happen! Without that coat, there's no Exodus, no ten commandments, (no career career for Charlton Heston).
Besides, the bible would only be one book! As J.K. Rowling will tell you, that's no way to make a buck!
Sequels! Sequels! Sequels!
Besides, God told Abraham that his descendants would become "strangers in a strange land" and become slaves for 400 years" (Gen. 15:13); kind of a spoiler alert.
"If only Eve hadn't listened to that snake... we'd still be in the Garden of Eden."
But that's not a story!!!
If only Dorothy knew ahead of time about clicking her heels three times, she wouldn't have had to go through all that rigamarole with those three morons, and the witch and the great and powerful Oz...
Of course, then you have no movie... and that's the whole point of the film...
the Journey! Not the destination.
(Rigamarole?)
"Dad Always loved you best!"
"Now Israel [a.k.a., Jacob] loved Joseph more than all his children... and he made him a coat of many colors. And when his brothers saw that their father loved him more than all his brothers, they hated him..." (Gen. 37:3-4)
"A man should not single out one of his children for favored treatment,
for because of two extra coins' worth of silk, which Jacob gave to Joseph [in the form of his multi-colored coat] and not to his other sons, Joseph's brothers became jealous of him, and one thing led to another until our ancestors became slaves in Egypt."
-- Babylonian Talmud, Shabbat 10b
The obvious lesson of Genesis, 37: Don't play favorites with your kids (or at least don't make it obvious)
Sibling Rivalry!
Growing up, my brothers and I would go to our father and demand, "Who's favorite? Which son do you love the most?"
He'd smile, shake his head, and always say the same thing.
"Boys, if you cut off all my fingers, they'll all hurt the same amount."
Huh????
Thanks, Dad, for comparing fatherly love to the movie "Saw"...
My Dad, the Sweeney Todd of Father-Son chats.
Homer: "Hey! Apu just called. This Friday, Lisa's team is playing
Bart's team. You're in direct competition. And don't go easy on
each other just because you're brother and sister. I want to see
you both out there, fighting for your parents' love!
[flicks light on and off]
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!..."
-- Mike Scully, "The Simpsons", Season 6, episode 8
"A man should not single out one of his children for favored treatment,
for because of two extra coins' worth of silk, which Jacob gave to Joseph [in the form of his multi-colored coat] and not to his other sons, Joseph's brothers became jealous of him, and one thing led to another until our ancestors became slaves in Egypt."
-- Babylonian Talmud, Shabbat 10b
The obvious lesson of Genesis, 37: Don't play favorites with your kids (or at least don't make it obvious)
Sibling Rivalry!
Growing up, my brothers and I would go to our father and demand, "Who's favorite? Which son do you love the most?"
He'd smile, shake his head, and always say the same thing.
"Boys, if you cut off all my fingers, they'll all hurt the same amount."
Huh????
Thanks, Dad, for comparing fatherly love to the movie "Saw"...
My Dad, the Sweeney Todd of Father-Son chats.
Homer: "Hey! Apu just called. This Friday, Lisa's team is playing
Bart's team. You're in direct competition. And don't go easy on
each other just because you're brother and sister. I want to see
you both out there, fighting for your parents' love!
[flicks light on and off]
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!..."
-- Mike Scully, "The Simpsons", Season 6, episode 8
Monday, November 9
Oops!
Remember the previous post, about everyone making mistakes, even God. Well...
"So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him, male and female created he them."
-- Genesis 1:27
Okay, screwed up syntax aside, this is one helluva verse!
What Yoda is saying, basically, is that we are all special, we all have that Divine spark inside of us, so treat everybody with respect and kindness.
In other words... EVERYBODY POOPS! Everybody, no matter race, religion, Ben & Jerry's flavor preference... no matter what, we are all connected. Everybody has God inside of them.
And Everybody Poops.
And so does God.
What do you think the Flood was all about?
God was flushing away all the shitty people.
And Noah was that little blue circle-thingie clinging (or cleaving, if you will) to the rim, trying to make the bowl of the world smell better.
By the way, Heath Bar Crunch!
"So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him, male and female created he them."
-- Genesis 1:27
Okay, screwed up syntax aside, this is one helluva verse!
What Yoda is saying, basically, is that we are all special, we all have that Divine spark inside of us, so treat everybody with respect and kindness.
In other words... EVERYBODY POOPS! Everybody, no matter race, religion, Ben & Jerry's flavor preference... no matter what, we are all connected. Everybody has God inside of them.
And Everybody Poops.
And so does God.
What do you think the Flood was all about?
God was flushing away all the shitty people.
And Noah was that little blue circle-thingie clinging (or cleaving, if you will) to the rim, trying to make the bowl of the world smell better.
By the way, Heath Bar Crunch!
Man and Woman
Second take:
"Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave unto his wife: they shall be one flesh."
-- Genesis 2:24
Now, you right wing conservatives... before you start spoutin' off with "See, man and woman should be together, Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve... (it rhymes! it MUST be true)
Before you do that--
Adam and Eve, let's examine their relationship:
They talk to a snake, disobey God, break the ONE rule in the world, get kicked out of Paradise, and raise a couple of upstanding boys... till one kills the other.
Shyeah, ideal couple.
Pobody's Nerfect.
We all make mistakes-- hell, The Flood (Genesis, ch.s 6-8) is God taking a big eraser and starting fresh, grabbing the Earth like a basketball, shouting "Do over! Do over!"
That's why the Bible is so cool-- the people in it aren't perfect (relax, I haven't gotten to Jesus yet... maybe he was a lousy tipper).
The first people disobey God, their kids murder each other, Noah gets drunk, his son laughs at his naked ass (9:22), etc.
"Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave unto his wife: they shall be one flesh."
-- Genesis 2:24
Now, you right wing conservatives... before you start spoutin' off with "See, man and woman should be together, Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve... (it rhymes! it MUST be true)
Before you do that--
Adam and Eve, let's examine their relationship:
They talk to a snake, disobey God, break the ONE rule in the world, get kicked out of Paradise, and raise a couple of upstanding boys... till one kills the other.
Shyeah, ideal couple.
Pobody's Nerfect.
We all make mistakes-- hell, The Flood (Genesis, ch.s 6-8) is God taking a big eraser and starting fresh, grabbing the Earth like a basketball, shouting "Do over! Do over!"
That's why the Bible is so cool-- the people in it aren't perfect (relax, I haven't gotten to Jesus yet... maybe he was a lousy tipper).
The first people disobey God, their kids murder each other, Noah gets drunk, his son laughs at his naked ass (9:22), etc.
I KNOW You Want To Cleave Me
"Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave unto his wife: they shall be one flesh."
-- Genesis 2:24
First of all, although a man might try to cleave unto his wife, she might not be in the cleavin' mood. So fellas, you just cleave yourself in the shower.
(ya' get it? Am I subtle enough?)
Second-- what the hell are a "father and mother?"
At this point, ain't no such thing! Come on, the male and female GENDERS were created just a few verses earlier. Adam and Eve had no mammy and pappy (imagine two naked old geezers, in rockin' chairs on the porch of... Eden, with fig leaves down around their knees).
Now, I have been married for nearly 6 months, but I met my wife 6 years ago.
"one flesh"... hmmm.
My dad says:
"LOVE means never having to say 'I'm sorry.' But MARRIAGE means constantly saying 'I'm sorry,' everyday, no matter, even when you don't think you did anything wrong."
And there are three magic words a married couple says to one another every day?
(sniff sniff) "Was that you???"
For the first year of dating, my wife didn't expel any sort of odor or sound in my presence.
After a couple years of dating, she'd sheepishly ask me, "Is it okay if I fart?"
Once we got engaged, she brazenly announced it.
"Faaaarrrrt!"
Just enough time to duck and cover, like Arnold Schwarzenegger yelling before an explosion, "Get down!" (read that out loud, in his voice, it's fun).
Now we're married, and I don't even get a warning.
It's just the sound of a dying elephant emanating from my beloved's ass!
And y'know what?
I love her for it.
Why?
Because I am a sick bastard.
And because we are "one flesh."
-- Genesis 2:24
First of all, although a man might try to cleave unto his wife, she might not be in the cleavin' mood. So fellas, you just cleave yourself in the shower.
(ya' get it? Am I subtle enough?)
Second-- what the hell are a "father and mother?"
At this point, ain't no such thing! Come on, the male and female GENDERS were created just a few verses earlier. Adam and Eve had no mammy and pappy (imagine two naked old geezers, in rockin' chairs on the porch of... Eden, with fig leaves down around their knees).
Now, I have been married for nearly 6 months, but I met my wife 6 years ago.
"one flesh"... hmmm.
My dad says:
"LOVE means never having to say 'I'm sorry.' But MARRIAGE means constantly saying 'I'm sorry,' everyday, no matter, even when you don't think you did anything wrong."
And there are three magic words a married couple says to one another every day?
(sniff sniff) "Was that you???"
For the first year of dating, my wife didn't expel any sort of odor or sound in my presence.
After a couple years of dating, she'd sheepishly ask me, "Is it okay if I fart?"
Once we got engaged, she brazenly announced it.
"Faaaarrrrt!"
Just enough time to duck and cover, like Arnold Schwarzenegger yelling before an explosion, "Get down!" (read that out loud, in his voice, it's fun).
Now we're married, and I don't even get a warning.
It's just the sound of a dying elephant emanating from my beloved's ass!
And y'know what?
I love her for it.
Why?
Because I am a sick bastard.
And because we are "one flesh."
Sunday, November 8
Fact, Fiction, My Filosophy
It's important to remember that the Bible, whether or not you believe it to be factual or a fable or parable-- it has a purpose!
A dolphin?
No, goober, that's a porpoise.
(ZING!)
(sigh... eye roll)
(let's keep moving)
The PURPOSE of the Bible...?
Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?
That is... to TEACH us stuff.
Most importantly, to teach us how WE can live our lives better.
My philosophy:
"Rabbi Hillel said, 'Be a disciple of Aaron, the High Priest...
LOVE PEACE, PURSUE PEACE, LOVE YOUR FELLOW CREATURES, BRING THEM CLOSER TO THE TORAH.'"
-- Pirke Avot (Ethics of the Fathers), 1:12
Hey, holier-than-thou religious folks!
Before you tell gay people they're headed to eternal damnation--- check out the first 3/4 of the previous statement.
Do you love the idea of everybody getting along?
Do you try and make that happen? Do stuff that encourages peace in the home/workplace/sandbox/titty bar-- wherever?!
Are you nice to people? Tip well? Wave ahead cars in traffic?
Well, only after you do ALL that stuff, should you try to...
Bring people closer to the Bible and its teachings-- but don't be a douche about it!
A dolphin?
No, goober, that's a porpoise.
(ZING!)
(sigh... eye roll)
(let's keep moving)
The PURPOSE of the Bible...?
Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?
That is... to TEACH us stuff.
Most importantly, to teach us how WE can live our lives better.
My philosophy:
"Rabbi Hillel said, 'Be a disciple of Aaron, the High Priest...
LOVE PEACE, PURSUE PEACE, LOVE YOUR FELLOW CREATURES, BRING THEM CLOSER TO THE TORAH.'"
-- Pirke Avot (Ethics of the Fathers), 1:12
Hey, holier-than-thou religious folks!
Before you tell gay people they're headed to eternal damnation--- check out the first 3/4 of the previous statement.
Do you love the idea of everybody getting along?
Do you try and make that happen? Do stuff that encourages peace in the home/workplace/sandbox/titty bar-- wherever?!
Are you nice to people? Tip well? Wave ahead cars in traffic?
Well, only after you do ALL that stuff, should you try to...
Bring people closer to the Bible and its teachings-- but don't be a douche about it!
Bible-- Fact & Fiction & The Princess Bride
Of course, the Devil can quote Scripture to serve his purpose... so that's what I'm doing!
Let me say... I don't think ANYTHING in the Bible should be taken at face value, as is.
Take it all with a grain of Lot's wife.
Realize it is a story.
Even if you assume it's a TRUE story!
Assume away!!
But realize that the Bible, factual or fable-icious, has a purpose, and that purpose is to make us behave ourselves!!!
Make us better people.
Does it matter if it REALLY happened?
EXAMPLE:
Two nights ago, the wife and I watched the first 15 minutes of "The Usual Suspects" before she fell asleep (the film lasted twice as long as I do... zing... she's gonna kick my ass).
I have seen it several times, so here I go...
Spoiler Alert! (wife, stop reading!)
(ready?)
"Usual Suspects":
Just 'cause K-Space made up all that stuff, does that make the story or the movie any less awesome?
Or does it make the movie even MORE awesome?
Or do you feel kinda used afterward? Like Spacey just jerked around.
Me, too.
Better example:
"The Princess Bride"
The actual movie, chronologically, is in real-time, a grandpa reading a made-up story to his sick grandson (BORING!). Clearly takes place when it was made, 1987 (just check out the archaic video games the grandson, Fred Savage, is playing).
But the REAL movie is the story the grandpa TELLS-- "The Princess Bride... by S. Morgenstern"--
The story of Westley and Buttercup, Humperdinck, Fezzik, "My name is Inigo Montoya...", the fireswamp, six-fingered schmuck, jokes, romance, adventure, too blave, etc.
THAT's what's really important.
And the moral of the story?...
The grandson feels love from it. And it helps the grandpa express that love for little Fred Savage (... before he got a Wonder Years boner for Winnie.
So it's like that with the Bible.
Even if it ain't necessarily so.
So?
So what?
It's still a great story... with a lot to teach us.
After all...
Lot's wife gets turned into a pillar of salt!!!!
Come on!
That shit is messed... up!
That teaches us... something!!!
... Don't marry Lot.
also-- "Don't look back... something might be gaining on you."
-- Satchel Paige (look it up)
Finally, I'd be remiss if I didn't briefly gush over arguably the greatest film of all-time--- "The Princess Bride." I am not kidding.
Directed by one of my faves-- Rob Reiner, who also directed the TOTALLY AWESOME "This Is Spinal Tap" and "When Harry Met Sally."
But Princess Bride---
It informed my sense of romance, love, Zorro-esque swashing (not to mention buckling)
and came in a great year of films that were very influential on my childhood:
1987
The Princess Bride
Mannequin
Dirty Dancing
(yes, I am a woman)
Spaceballs
La Bamba (yeah... i remember that)
Roxanne (Steve Martin's greatest film... ya' heard me!)
Innerspace (Martin Short, Dennis Quaid)
Overboard (Kurt Russell, Goldie Hawn)
Summer School (with Marc Harmon, check it out)
honorable mentions:
Three Amigos! (released December 1986; Steve Martin's 2nd greatest film)
Ducktales: Treasure of the Golden Suns (feature-length pilot episode of the greatest Disney cartoon series EVER... bring it on, nerds!)
Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors
(My first viewing of a woman in a bra)
ahem
(She was a sexy nurse, seducing some guy... and I liked it)
(The nurse also turned out to be Freddy Krueger and killed the guy)
ahem
(Explain anything about me?)
sigh
(Who wants some ginger snaps?)
Let me say... I don't think ANYTHING in the Bible should be taken at face value, as is.
Take it all with a grain of Lot's wife.
Realize it is a story.
Even if you assume it's a TRUE story!
Assume away!!
But realize that the Bible, factual or fable-icious, has a purpose, and that purpose is to make us behave ourselves!!!
Make us better people.
Does it matter if it REALLY happened?
EXAMPLE:
Two nights ago, the wife and I watched the first 15 minutes of "The Usual Suspects" before she fell asleep (the film lasted twice as long as I do... zing... she's gonna kick my ass).
I have seen it several times, so here I go...
Spoiler Alert! (wife, stop reading!)
(ready?)
"Usual Suspects":
Just 'cause K-Space made up all that stuff, does that make the story or the movie any less awesome?
Or does it make the movie even MORE awesome?
Or do you feel kinda used afterward? Like Spacey just jerked around.
Me, too.
Better example:
"The Princess Bride"
The actual movie, chronologically, is in real-time, a grandpa reading a made-up story to his sick grandson (BORING!). Clearly takes place when it was made, 1987 (just check out the archaic video games the grandson, Fred Savage, is playing).
But the REAL movie is the story the grandpa TELLS-- "The Princess Bride... by S. Morgenstern"--
The story of Westley and Buttercup, Humperdinck, Fezzik, "My name is Inigo Montoya...", the fireswamp, six-fingered schmuck, jokes, romance, adventure, too blave, etc.
THAT's what's really important.
And the moral of the story?...
The grandson feels love from it. And it helps the grandpa express that love for little Fred Savage (... before he got a Wonder Years boner for Winnie.
So it's like that with the Bible.
Even if it ain't necessarily so.
So?
So what?
It's still a great story... with a lot to teach us.
After all...
Lot's wife gets turned into a pillar of salt!!!!
Come on!
That shit is messed... up!
That teaches us... something!!!
... Don't marry Lot.
also-- "Don't look back... something might be gaining on you."
-- Satchel Paige (look it up)
Finally, I'd be remiss if I didn't briefly gush over arguably the greatest film of all-time--- "The Princess Bride." I am not kidding.
Directed by one of my faves-- Rob Reiner, who also directed the TOTALLY AWESOME "This Is Spinal Tap" and "When Harry Met Sally."
But Princess Bride---
It informed my sense of romance, love, Zorro-esque swashing (not to mention buckling)
and came in a great year of films that were very influential on my childhood:
1987
The Princess Bride
Mannequin
Dirty Dancing
(yes, I am a woman)
Spaceballs
La Bamba (yeah... i remember that)
Roxanne (Steve Martin's greatest film... ya' heard me!)
Innerspace (Martin Short, Dennis Quaid)
Overboard (Kurt Russell, Goldie Hawn)
Summer School (with Marc Harmon, check it out)
honorable mentions:
Three Amigos! (released December 1986; Steve Martin's 2nd greatest film)
Ducktales: Treasure of the Golden Suns (feature-length pilot episode of the greatest Disney cartoon series EVER... bring it on, nerds!)
Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors
(My first viewing of a woman in a bra)
ahem
(She was a sexy nurse, seducing some guy... and I liked it)
(The nurse also turned out to be Freddy Krueger and killed the guy)
ahem
(Explain anything about me?)
sigh
(Who wants some ginger snaps?)
Saturday, November 7
Yes, I'm Gonna Marry A Carrot (Gen. 1:29)
Hey, you ever watch the Food Network? Sure you do! Because you're pathetic like me!
In pretty much every single episode of “Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives” on the Food Network the enthusiastically disgusting host, Guy Fieri (who isn't nearly as fat as he should be), consumes massive amounts of bacon-burgers, pulled pork, clams, ribs, etc. If it had a pulse, this guy ate it.
First of all, pulled pork sounds like an unkosher porn.
Secondly
What's the big deal? Why shouldn't we eat what/whomever we want?
First, two verses from Genesis--
1:28-29
"God blessed them (Adam and Eve). God said to them, 'Be fruitful, multiply, fill the earth, and subdue it. Have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the sky, and over every living thing that moves on the earth.'
"God said, 'Behold, I have given you every herb yielding seed, which is on the surface of all the earth, and every tree, which bears fruit yielding seed. It will be your food.'"
I am a vegetarian, for twelve years now. And people often ask me, "Why? Is it for health reasons or moral reasons?"
In other words, "Are you self-conscious or self-righteous?"
Well, when I was a kid, we had a pet beagle. My older brother was closest to her and after she died, the next time we went to a restaurant, he looked down at his dinner and started to cry, thinking of our dog.
We learned our lesson-- we stopped going to that Vietnamese restaurant.
What I want to know is—-- who was the first person to look at chicken's beady eyes, dirty feathers and pointy beak and think, "Mm-mm! Put that in a bucket and I'll eat it with my hands!"
Then there are the religious folks, who say, "God put animals on this planet to be food for US!" If that's true then someone forgot to mention that to the animals! They sure seem reluctant when we try to help them fulfill God's mission.
We have dominion over all creatures of the earth... A king has dominion over his kingdom, but he doesn't eat his subjects... peasant paprikash. A Modest Proposal by Yonatan Swift
People can't comprehend it. Meat is so readily available, how can you NOT eat it?
Well, the same way I can walk by an attractive person on the street and not grope them—I exhibit self control for the benefit of another living thing (and also to avoid restraining orders).
But some ambivalence remains--
Rabbi Joshua ben Nehemiah said, “God created people with 4 attributes of the higher beings (a.k.a., angels) and 4 attributes of the lower beings (a.k.a., beasts).
An Angel-- Stand upright, speaks, understands, and sees.
A Beast- Eats, procreates, excretes, and dies.
See, I think a beast has more fun. That sounds like a Saturday night well-spent.
As any yid will tell you, Jewish Holidays are defined by what we eat— Shabbat (meat, fish, challah), What we DON’T eat – Yom Kippur (anything), Or both – Passover (we eat matzah , we don't eat bread)
God/rabbis (depending on who you think decreed various laws) are smart,
they knew food is key to religious consciousness.
In the Ancient Near East, there were Pilgrimage Festivals, Harvest Festivals, peoples lives revolved around food because their lives depended on it, in a desperate way that we don’t today.
Food was everything! Just getting breakfast was Life and Death! Today breakfast is Life and Trix and Cheerios.
(zing!)
Of course, some say "Eat to live, don’t live to eat." That's a bunch of hooey, bunch of bologna… Mmmmm... what were we talking about?
But now I am in Israel, the Land of Milk and Honey! Which sucks if you're a vegan.
But that is what Kashrut is all about:
Self-control, and thinking about WHERE our food comes from.
But People don’t WANT to think about it.
Check out this excerpt from the greatest show on earth.
Season 7, episode 5, "Lisa the Vegetarian":
After going to a petting zoo, the family sits down to dinner.
Lisa: I can't eat this. I can't eat a poor little lamb. [Pushes her
plate away.]
Homer: Lisa, get a hold of yourself. This is lamb, not A lamb.
Lisa: What's the difference between this lamb and the one that kissed
me?
Bart: This one spent two hours in the broiler.
One more--
Homer: Wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute. Lisa honey, are you
saying you're *never* going to eat any animal again? What about
bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad! Those all come from the same animal!
Homer: [Chuckles] Yeah, right Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal!!
In pretty much every single episode of “Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives” on the Food Network the enthusiastically disgusting host, Guy Fieri (who isn't nearly as fat as he should be), consumes massive amounts of bacon-burgers, pulled pork, clams, ribs, etc. If it had a pulse, this guy ate it.
First of all, pulled pork sounds like an unkosher porn.
Secondly
What's the big deal? Why shouldn't we eat what/whomever we want?
First, two verses from Genesis--
1:28-29
"God blessed them (Adam and Eve). God said to them, 'Be fruitful, multiply, fill the earth, and subdue it. Have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the sky, and over every living thing that moves on the earth.'
"God said, 'Behold, I have given you every herb yielding seed, which is on the surface of all the earth, and every tree, which bears fruit yielding seed. It will be your food.'"
I am a vegetarian, for twelve years now. And people often ask me, "Why? Is it for health reasons or moral reasons?"
In other words, "Are you self-conscious or self-righteous?"
Well, when I was a kid, we had a pet beagle. My older brother was closest to her and after she died, the next time we went to a restaurant, he looked down at his dinner and started to cry, thinking of our dog.
We learned our lesson-- we stopped going to that Vietnamese restaurant.
What I want to know is—-- who was the first person to look at chicken's beady eyes, dirty feathers and pointy beak and think, "Mm-mm! Put that in a bucket and I'll eat it with my hands!"
Then there are the religious folks, who say, "God put animals on this planet to be food for US!" If that's true then someone forgot to mention that to the animals! They sure seem reluctant when we try to help them fulfill God's mission.
We have dominion over all creatures of the earth... A king has dominion over his kingdom, but he doesn't eat his subjects... peasant paprikash. A Modest Proposal by Yonatan Swift
People can't comprehend it. Meat is so readily available, how can you NOT eat it?
Well, the same way I can walk by an attractive person on the street and not grope them—I exhibit self control for the benefit of another living thing (and also to avoid restraining orders).
But some ambivalence remains--
Rabbi Joshua ben Nehemiah said, “God created people with 4 attributes of the higher beings (a.k.a., angels) and 4 attributes of the lower beings (a.k.a., beasts).
An Angel-- Stand upright, speaks, understands, and sees.
A Beast- Eats, procreates, excretes, and dies.
See, I think a beast has more fun. That sounds like a Saturday night well-spent.
As any yid will tell you, Jewish Holidays are defined by what we eat— Shabbat (meat, fish, challah), What we DON’T eat – Yom Kippur (anything), Or both – Passover (we eat matzah , we don't eat bread)
God/rabbis (depending on who you think decreed various laws) are smart,
they knew food is key to religious consciousness.
In the Ancient Near East, there were Pilgrimage Festivals, Harvest Festivals, peoples lives revolved around food because their lives depended on it, in a desperate way that we don’t today.
Food was everything! Just getting breakfast was Life and Death! Today breakfast is Life and Trix and Cheerios.
(zing!)
Of course, some say "Eat to live, don’t live to eat." That's a bunch of hooey, bunch of bologna… Mmmmm... what were we talking about?
But now I am in Israel, the Land of Milk and Honey! Which sucks if you're a vegan.
But that is what Kashrut is all about:
Self-control, and thinking about WHERE our food comes from.
But People don’t WANT to think about it.
Check out this excerpt from the greatest show on earth.
Season 7, episode 5, "Lisa the Vegetarian":
After going to a petting zoo, the family sits down to dinner.
Lisa: I can't eat this. I can't eat a poor little lamb. [Pushes her
plate away.]
Homer: Lisa, get a hold of yourself. This is lamb, not A lamb.
Lisa: What's the difference between this lamb and the one that kissed
me?
Bart: This one spent two hours in the broiler.
One more--
Homer: Wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute. Lisa honey, are you
saying you're *never* going to eat any animal again? What about
bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad! Those all come from the same animal!
Homer: [Chuckles] Yeah, right Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal!!
Friday, November 6
not that you asked... 1
from Oct. 10, 2009:
Not that you asked, but
I am sitting here beside my wife,
we are both in our underpants,
we have attempted our first baking endeavor in Israel
It went... poorly
Apparently there is a thing here called "Celsius"...
we just made a bread pudding and brownies from scratch,
(ahem)
The tops are burned, the middles are uncooked.
They're like sweet, little, bi-racial still-born children.
...and we shall eat whatever we can, then abort the uncooked placenta filling.
Not that you asked, but
I am sitting here beside my wife,
we are both in our underpants,
we have attempted our first baking endeavor in Israel
It went... poorly
Apparently there is a thing here called "Celsius"...
we just made a bread pudding and brownies from scratch,
(ahem)
The tops are burned, the middles are uncooked.
They're like sweet, little, bi-racial still-born children.
...and we shall eat whatever we can, then abort the uncooked placenta filling.
Fear and Loathing in the Holy Land
I love the genius that is Aaron Sorkin.
Creator and overlord of the "The West Wing."
Just watch "The West Wing"-- the arguments between Deputy Chief of Staff Josh Lyman and his dutiful assistant Donatella Moss rival anything you might find in the Talmud.
Playing Devil's advocate, that's what the art of Jewish argument is all about. "I'm not saying I believe what I'm saying, but for those who do..."
That love of argumentation and scrutinization of every aspect of a situation over-analyzing is on display in some of the most prolific minds of the last half century.
Alan Dershowitz and Larry David and the pain-in-the-ass hagglers at the shuk, the open-air market in the heart of Jerusalem.
My wife and I arrived in the Holy Land Thursday afternoon, October 1st of this year.
Two nights later, Saturday night, we went to a bar on Ben Yehuda Street, the closest thing to Times Square in Jerusalem.
About 6 square blocks of ice cream stores, bars, felafel stands and desperate musicians peddling their wares. Quaint, compared to New York.
Then the wife and I returned to our apartment, 20 minutes outside the hub of the capitol.
Lying in bed, midnight, Saturday night, full of alcohol, we did what any married couple would do... we watched DVDs of "The West Wing."
Season 3, Episode 5--
Nancy McNally, The National Security Advisor to fictional President Josiah Bartlet, relayed some bad news.
Nancy McNally: "A bomb went off outside a cafe on Ben Yehuda in Jerusalem. It was a suicide bomber, 10 people were killed, 125 injured, mostly young adults... two of the dead were American students."
[Gulp]
My wife and I looked at each other, eyebrows raised and eyes panicked.
And you know what we did the next night?
We joined a couple Israeli friends and went right back to Ben Yehuda Street... because that's what Israelis do. They look fear in the eye, they face threats and danger, and they say (in an Israeli accent), "Ehhh, to the hell with you! I no scared of your ass!"
There's a reason so many Israelis appear rude, brusque, rough around the edges.
It's because they are.
It's because they have to be, for as long as they (or anyone) can remember,
and as long as the Bible has been in circulation---
Jews in the whole world, but especially the Middle East, have had to be tough.
Just to get through the day.
Creator and overlord of the "The West Wing."
Just watch "The West Wing"-- the arguments between Deputy Chief of Staff Josh Lyman and his dutiful assistant Donatella Moss rival anything you might find in the Talmud.
Playing Devil's advocate, that's what the art of Jewish argument is all about. "I'm not saying I believe what I'm saying, but for those who do..."
That love of argumentation and scrutinization of every aspect of a situation over-analyzing is on display in some of the most prolific minds of the last half century.
Alan Dershowitz and Larry David and the pain-in-the-ass hagglers at the shuk, the open-air market in the heart of Jerusalem.
My wife and I arrived in the Holy Land Thursday afternoon, October 1st of this year.
Two nights later, Saturday night, we went to a bar on Ben Yehuda Street, the closest thing to Times Square in Jerusalem.
About 6 square blocks of ice cream stores, bars, felafel stands and desperate musicians peddling their wares. Quaint, compared to New York.
Then the wife and I returned to our apartment, 20 minutes outside the hub of the capitol.
Lying in bed, midnight, Saturday night, full of alcohol, we did what any married couple would do... we watched DVDs of "The West Wing."
Season 3, Episode 5--
Nancy McNally, The National Security Advisor to fictional President Josiah Bartlet, relayed some bad news.
Nancy McNally: "A bomb went off outside a cafe on Ben Yehuda in Jerusalem. It was a suicide bomber, 10 people were killed, 125 injured, mostly young adults... two of the dead were American students."
[Gulp]
My wife and I looked at each other, eyebrows raised and eyes panicked.
And you know what we did the next night?
We joined a couple Israeli friends and went right back to Ben Yehuda Street... because that's what Israelis do. They look fear in the eye, they face threats and danger, and they say (in an Israeli accent), "Ehhh, to the hell with you! I no scared of your ass!"
There's a reason so many Israelis appear rude, brusque, rough around the edges.
It's because they are.
It's because they have to be, for as long as they (or anyone) can remember,
and as long as the Bible has been in circulation---
Jews in the whole world, but especially the Middle East, have had to be tough.
Just to get through the day.
Thursday, November 5
Sacrificing Izzy (Genesis 22)
AKEDAT YITCHAK (The Binding of Isaac)
Was Abraham a lousy dad?
Insane?
Did he pass or fail his "test"?
Did he misunderstand God's request?
"to bring up Isaac"
Was God cruel in asking Abe to do it? His "one and only son?" (Gen. 22:2)
What happened on that mountain, before Abe tied Izzy to the altar?
What happened when they came back down and went home to Sarah?
What about the 2 young guys who went with them, what did they talk about while they waited at the bottom of the mountain?
What does it say about Islam, that one of the holiest places for them is the spot on which it's believed Abraham nearly murdered his son? Dome of the Rock?
That's not totally fair, since it is also the spot from which they believe Mohammed ascended to heaven on his horse (like John Wayne).
Which, of course, is ridiculous because that's not the way Prophets die!
As we all know Elijah ascended to heaven in a gold and diamond flaming chariot with flaming horses (they were FABULOUS studs!)(2nd Kings 2:8, but we'll get to that).
Now THAT'S an exit! Ha! Beat that, mo-mo.
Is Abraham our inspiration? Our role model?
Some Christians look at the "Binding of Isaac" as a precursor to Jesus, how God sacrificed his "son"... or whatever.
I am reminded of the words of President Josiah Bartlet, from Aaron Sorkin's "The West Wing"-- season 3, episode 1, written and aired three weeks after 9/11,
titled (what are the odds?) "Isaac and Ishmael",
When asked if there something noble in being a martyr, President Bartlet says,
"We don't need martyrs right now, we need heroes.
A hero would die for his country, but he'd much rather live for it."
Was Abraham a lousy dad?
Insane?
Did he pass or fail his "test"?
Did he misunderstand God's request?
"to bring up Isaac"
Was God cruel in asking Abe to do it? His "one and only son?" (Gen. 22:2)
What happened on that mountain, before Abe tied Izzy to the altar?
What happened when they came back down and went home to Sarah?
What about the 2 young guys who went with them, what did they talk about while they waited at the bottom of the mountain?
What does it say about Islam, that one of the holiest places for them is the spot on which it's believed Abraham nearly murdered his son? Dome of the Rock?
That's not totally fair, since it is also the spot from which they believe Mohammed ascended to heaven on his horse (like John Wayne).
Which, of course, is ridiculous because that's not the way Prophets die!
As we all know Elijah ascended to heaven in a gold and diamond flaming chariot with flaming horses (they were FABULOUS studs!)(2nd Kings 2:8, but we'll get to that).
Now THAT'S an exit! Ha! Beat that, mo-mo.
Is Abraham our inspiration? Our role model?
Some Christians look at the "Binding of Isaac" as a precursor to Jesus, how God sacrificed his "son"... or whatever.
I am reminded of the words of President Josiah Bartlet, from Aaron Sorkin's "The West Wing"-- season 3, episode 1, written and aired three weeks after 9/11,
titled (what are the odds?) "Isaac and Ishmael",
When asked if there something noble in being a martyr, President Bartlet says,
"We don't need martyrs right now, we need heroes.
A hero would die for his country, but he'd much rather live for it."
Wednesday, November 4
Genesis 6
Noah
Hero?
Overrated Lackey?
Dr. Dolittle?
Animal Pimp?
The first verse of the Noah story (Gen. 6:9):
"These are the generations of Noah: Noah was a just man and perfect in his generations, and Noah walked with God."
This verse encapsulates Biblical commentary in all its glory!
B'keetzor (to sum up)-- Noah was super great "in his generations."
There are (at least) two ways to look at this verse--
1) Noah was great, a helluva guy... among all the douchebags that surrounded him. Just imagine imagine how great he would've been if he had been surrounded by actually half-way decent people. He would've really shined!
Was he righteous?
OR
2) Noah was great, a helluva guy... among all the douchebags that surrounded him. Compared to THOSE assclowns, he was righteous, but compared to anyone half-way decent, he was just so-so. Only because everyone else was so awful did Noah seem special.
A lovely flower surrounded by shit. Does it look or smell better, because it's so much better compared to its neighbors. Or, if you place it next to nice daisies, will it smell EVEN BETTER?
Like a great ballplayer on a crappy team-- In 1972, Steve Carlton was the best pitcher in baseball, leading the league in wins (27), strikeouts (310) and ERA (1.97). He did all of this while a member of the god-awful last-place Philadelphia Phillies, a team that won a league-worst 57 games (they lost 97).
In 1927, Babe Ruth hit an amazing 60 home runs and scored 158 runs (both among the all-time records). He was a member of a New York Yankees squad that notched 110 wins, featuring 5 Hall of Famers, in addition to Ruth.
Who was better, Carlton in '72 or Ruth in '27?
Or Noah?
It depends... what kind of curve ball did Noah have?
(ask his son, Kham)
ha ha, get it?
b/c in Genesis 9:22, Kham "saw the nakedness of his father." Oops!
Yechhhhh. Of course Kham's son, Canaan, is cursed, because Kham gazed on Noah's dingle-hopper. Bummer.
Or Babe Ruth in 1927? Better when surrounded by crap or by flowers?
Hero?
Overrated Lackey?
Dr. Dolittle?
Animal Pimp?
The first verse of the Noah story (Gen. 6:9):
"These are the generations of Noah: Noah was a just man and perfect in his generations, and Noah walked with God."
This verse encapsulates Biblical commentary in all its glory!
B'keetzor (to sum up)-- Noah was super great "in his generations."
There are (at least) two ways to look at this verse--
1) Noah was great, a helluva guy... among all the douchebags that surrounded him. Just imagine imagine how great he would've been if he had been surrounded by actually half-way decent people. He would've really shined!
Was he righteous?
OR
2) Noah was great, a helluva guy... among all the douchebags that surrounded him. Compared to THOSE assclowns, he was righteous, but compared to anyone half-way decent, he was just so-so. Only because everyone else was so awful did Noah seem special.
A lovely flower surrounded by shit. Does it look or smell better, because it's so much better compared to its neighbors. Or, if you place it next to nice daisies, will it smell EVEN BETTER?
Like a great ballplayer on a crappy team-- In 1972, Steve Carlton was the best pitcher in baseball, leading the league in wins (27), strikeouts (310) and ERA (1.97). He did all of this while a member of the god-awful last-place Philadelphia Phillies, a team that won a league-worst 57 games (they lost 97).
In 1927, Babe Ruth hit an amazing 60 home runs and scored 158 runs (both among the all-time records). He was a member of a New York Yankees squad that notched 110 wins, featuring 5 Hall of Famers, in addition to Ruth.
Who was better, Carlton in '72 or Ruth in '27?
Or Noah?
It depends... what kind of curve ball did Noah have?
(ask his son, Kham)
ha ha, get it?
b/c in Genesis 9:22, Kham "saw the nakedness of his father." Oops!
Yechhhhh. Of course Kham's son, Canaan, is cursed, because Kham gazed on Noah's dingle-hopper. Bummer.
Or Babe Ruth in 1927? Better when surrounded by crap or by flowers?
Tuesday, November 3
Playing God
Genesis 2:15
"And the Lord God took the man and put him into the Garden of Eden."
The Puppet Master!
It sounds like God is playing house... or playing with Barbie dolls.
Which makes sense, because I know when my brother's and I stumbled on my Mom's vintage 1960 Barbie dolls, the first thing we did was take off their clothes and make them have sex!
So we were really playing God.
"And the Lord God took the man and put him into the Garden of Eden."
The Puppet Master!
It sounds like God is playing house... or playing with Barbie dolls.
Which makes sense, because I know when my brother's and I stumbled on my Mom's vintage 1960 Barbie dolls, the first thing we did was take off their clothes and make them have sex!
So we were really playing God.
Monday, November 2
Baseball and Religion
I am from Philadelphia, PA. I am a Phillies fan.
And my team is currently receiving a beat-down in the 2009 World Series.
I have been watching the games, broadcast in Israel from 3 AM to 6 AM each night.
And I've been thinking... I am out of my mind!
Also, baseball is a lot like religion.
We have rituals, beliefs, hope, faith, rely on forces outside our own powers for happiness and "deliverance."
Also, the Yankees are Satan.
We wear special "hats" that make us feel closer to our Heroes.
If I stand in that spot and wear these clothes, my group shall be victorious.
I mutter nonsensically (Nobatter, Nobatter, Nobatter... Yigh, nigh, nigh nigunim).
If I concentrate hard enough, I believe I might affect someone thousands of miles away.
For me especially, Baseball and Religion are inextricably linked (quite the adverb, huh? I think it means "really, really").
I started following the Phillies during the 1993 season... because they were kickin' ass and takin' names! I hopped on that bandwagon!
In October of 1993 my Phillies went from cellar dwellers to champions of the National League.
They then met the Toronto Blue Jays in the World Series. Let's not belabor the heartache, the Phillies lost in one of the most dramatic (and for me, soul-stomping) moments in World Series history. But I was officially a Phillies fan.
A few months later, my grandfather died (z"l), I started going to shul each night when my Dad would recite the Mourner's Kaddish, and I began getting interested in Judaism. Then, I developed psychological problems rooted in blessings and prayers.
Also, the Phillies began to suck big time. Between 1995 and 2000, The Phillies had the worst record in the National League, and I developed Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
Stay tuned for more details later on, where we learn about my "talking to crackers" and my year and half of abstinence... from myself!
And my team is currently receiving a beat-down in the 2009 World Series.
I have been watching the games, broadcast in Israel from 3 AM to 6 AM each night.
And I've been thinking... I am out of my mind!
Also, baseball is a lot like religion.
We have rituals, beliefs, hope, faith, rely on forces outside our own powers for happiness and "deliverance."
Also, the Yankees are Satan.
We wear special "hats" that make us feel closer to our Heroes.
If I stand in that spot and wear these clothes, my group shall be victorious.
I mutter nonsensically (Nobatter, Nobatter, Nobatter... Yigh, nigh, nigh nigunim).
If I concentrate hard enough, I believe I might affect someone thousands of miles away.
For me especially, Baseball and Religion are inextricably linked (quite the adverb, huh? I think it means "really, really").
I started following the Phillies during the 1993 season... because they were kickin' ass and takin' names! I hopped on that bandwagon!
In October of 1993 my Phillies went from cellar dwellers to champions of the National League.
They then met the Toronto Blue Jays in the World Series. Let's not belabor the heartache, the Phillies lost in one of the most dramatic (and for me, soul-stomping) moments in World Series history. But I was officially a Phillies fan.
A few months later, my grandfather died (z"l), I started going to shul each night when my Dad would recite the Mourner's Kaddish, and I began getting interested in Judaism. Then, I developed psychological problems rooted in blessings and prayers.
Also, the Phillies began to suck big time. Between 1995 and 2000, The Phillies had the worst record in the National League, and I developed Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
Stay tuned for more details later on, where we learn about my "talking to crackers" and my year and half of abstinence... from myself!
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