Posts
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"Sing unto the Lord with the harp; with the harp and the voice of a psalm..."
-- Psalm 98
"For heights and depths no words can reach, music is the soul's own speech."
-- Anonymous
My favorite Psalm is 150, the end of the line, the final psalm (sounds like the title of a bad action flick-- Communion 4: The Final Psalm)
Psalm 150 includes the lines,
"Praise ye the Lord...
Praise him with the sound of the trumpet...
Praise him with the harp...
with timbrel and dance;...
stringed instrument;...
loud cymbals..."
In other words... start a one-man band, like Dick Van Dyke in "Marry Poppins."
("Oh, it's a jolly 'oliday wiv Moses...")
(ahem)
No, it means there's more than one way to skin a proverbial cat.
Or praise God.
You can sing, play the horn, shake your booty, or read a prayer silently.
There's more than one way to do EVERYTHING, and prayer is no exception.
This theory, and my patience, were put to the test two days ago.
Friday night, I prayed at an interesting place.
In Jerusalem, there are HUNDREDS of prayer groups every single Friday night, some in synagogues, some in homes. You walk down ANY street in this city, you will hear the sounds of davening.
Two days ago I went to a small minyan, in a basement, chairs in a big circle, about 5 drummers, people with no shoes who were playing the bongos, others were chanting and dancing like hippies at Woodstock... Phoebe from "Friends" would've been very comfortable.
I was not.
It was the Jewish Renewal movement personified.
I personally don't go for that.
I can be quite sarcastic, bitter and cynical.
I am reluctant to open up, make myself vulnerable
... hence, the humor.
Dveikut. ("dedication", meditation during intense prayer)
Ruakh. ("spirit", spirituality)
These do not come easily for me.
Once upon a time, they did...
But now... I am a cynic.
So, Friday night, I was not "into it."
For about an hour.
Until... they sang a Psalm (#98, for you sports fans keeping track), in Hebrew, in an old doo-wop style.
And they got me.
I realize, of course, that there is no "they"... that it was I... I got me (woah..., soak it in... dry off, let's continue).
I "got", I understood that you can feel what you want to feel, if you let yourself.
I closed my eyes, sang along, and (as that philosopher Eminem would say) started to "lose myself in the moment..."
And it may not have been the spirit of God.
In fact, I think it wasn't.
My own musical preference.
It was my personality.
It was my family.
When I was growing up, 1950s/60s era music was very popular in my house.
Never mind that I came of age in the 1990s...
It was something my whole family enjoyed.
And on Friday night, that music... took me back.
It was audio cassettes, birthdays, anniversaries when my brothers and I would rewrite lyrics of old 60s tunes to suit our parents, Mother's Day and we're singing "Runaround Sue" for our mom... who's name is not Sue, nor does she run anywhere... but we all like the same music.
It was the Prom scene in "Back to the Future"... my love of Bobby Darrin, Dion and & Belmonts and Danny & the Juniors.
And maybe THAT... is God.
Who can say?
Ten years ago I was on a bus with 30 of my classmates from high school, studying in Israel for the semester.
The first time our bus took us into Jerusalem, the Holiest City for Jews, the homeland for which our ancestors prayed and fought and died....
I started to cry.
And it wasn't for any of the above reasons.
I was listening to a CD.
A Green Day CD (by 11th grade I expanded a little from the '50/'60s rock 'n roll).
And it was playing the song "Time of Your Life."
(A great song, but certainly not cry-worthy)
So why was a crying?
Because the previous year, "Seinfeld" aired its final episode.
The second-to-last episode was a highlight reel, best-of show... and the last two minutes were silent, comprised of behind the scenes footage, still photos of the cast and crew... with the Green Day song "Time of Your Life" playing over it.
And hearing it again, on a bus, away from home, away from my family (with whom watching "Seinfeld" was more of a ritual than prayer ever was), my being in a foreign country...
made me cry.
Am I shallow? Materialistic? Like the characters on "Seinfeld?"
No.
I'm just a guy. Because like it or not, for myself and many other people my age, television and music have played a huge role in our lives, in our memories, and in our connections with other people.
Seinfeld and doo wop. My youth and family. Nice feelings. Nice associations.
And when I am emotionally moved... Damn, that's a nice feeling.
I feel alive.
I feel close to myself and my family.
And I feel close to God.
Monday, November 30
"Please, no fatties"
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Abraham sends his trusty servant Eliezer to Canaan to find a wife for Isaac, Abe's son
(remember, the son he nearly stabbed to death in Gen.22... well, now we're in chapter 24, and Izzy needs a woman!).
Eliezer decides he'll go to the local watering hole (literally... a watering hole, where people would let their cattle drink water), and whichever lady offers him a drink, and also offers his camels a drink, THAT is the lady for Isaac! (Gen. 24:14).
Once at the watering hole with his camels, he notices Rebekah:
"And the damsel was very fair to look up, a virgin, no man had known her" (v.16).
Damn!
Sounds good!
But Eliezer the Servant had different criteria that had to be met-- and being a sexy virgin was not part of the deal... oh, Eliezer… what a moron!
But wait! What happens next?!
Rebekah, the smokin' hot virgin, puts down her pitcher of water and says to Eliezer, "Drink, my lord... I will draw water for thy camels also, until they are done drinking" (v.18-19).
All right! A hot virgin who’s nice to animals!
Ding ding ding! We have a winner!
Why? What does this say about Rebekah’s character?
Well, it says everything.
And it reminds me of an exchange from “A Bronx Tale”, written by its star, Chazz Palmintieri. Chazz playes a “Sonny,” mob boss. Here he gives dating advice to his teenaged protégé, nicknamed “C,” :
Sonny:
Alright, listen to me. You pull up right where she lives, right? Before you get outta the car, you lock both doors. Then, get outta the car, you walk over to her. You bring her over to the car. Dig out the key, put it in the lock and open the door for her. Then you let her get in. Then you close the door. Then you walk around the back of the car and look through the rear window. If she doesn't reach over and lift up that button so that you can get in: dump her.
’C’:
Just like that?
Sonny:
Listen to me, kid. If she doesn't reach over and lift up that button so that you can get in, that means she's a selfish broad and all you're seeing is the tip of the iceberg. You dump her and you dump her fast.
Well said, Italian New Yorker mob boss!
You clearly know your Scriptures.
Wouldn't you know it! Just like Eliezer said!
Sometimes you can learn everything about a person by the smallest, simplest act of thoughtfulness…
or selfishness.
Like in the 1998 Adam Sandler vehicle “The Wedding Singer,” written by Tim Herlihy.
Early in the film, Julia (Drew Barrymore) says she always wanted to see Las Vegas from an airplane, the famous strip of casinos and hotels all lit up at night. Then, when she hops a plane and elopes with her douche fiancé, he won’t let her have the window seat! And that says it all!
He’s a douche!
And Rebekah was selfless and kind.
… and smokin’ hot!
.
Abraham sends his trusty servant Eliezer to Canaan to find a wife for Isaac, Abe's son
(remember, the son he nearly stabbed to death in Gen.22... well, now we're in chapter 24, and Izzy needs a woman!).
Eliezer decides he'll go to the local watering hole (literally... a watering hole, where people would let their cattle drink water), and whichever lady offers him a drink, and also offers his camels a drink, THAT is the lady for Isaac! (Gen. 24:14).
Once at the watering hole with his camels, he notices Rebekah:
"And the damsel was very fair to look up, a virgin, no man had known her" (v.16).
Damn!
Sounds good!
But Eliezer the Servant had different criteria that had to be met-- and being a sexy virgin was not part of the deal... oh, Eliezer… what a moron!
But wait! What happens next?!
Rebekah, the smokin' hot virgin, puts down her pitcher of water and says to Eliezer, "Drink, my lord... I will draw water for thy camels also, until they are done drinking" (v.18-19).
All right! A hot virgin who’s nice to animals!
Ding ding ding! We have a winner!
Why? What does this say about Rebekah’s character?
Well, it says everything.
And it reminds me of an exchange from “A Bronx Tale”, written by its star, Chazz Palmintieri. Chazz playes a “Sonny,” mob boss. Here he gives dating advice to his teenaged protégé, nicknamed “C,” :
Sonny:
Alright, listen to me. You pull up right where she lives, right? Before you get outta the car, you lock both doors. Then, get outta the car, you walk over to her. You bring her over to the car. Dig out the key, put it in the lock and open the door for her. Then you let her get in. Then you close the door. Then you walk around the back of the car and look through the rear window. If she doesn't reach over and lift up that button so that you can get in: dump her.
’C’:
Just like that?
Sonny:
Listen to me, kid. If she doesn't reach over and lift up that button so that you can get in, that means she's a selfish broad and all you're seeing is the tip of the iceberg. You dump her and you dump her fast.
Well said, Italian New Yorker mob boss!
You clearly know your Scriptures.
Wouldn't you know it! Just like Eliezer said!
Sometimes you can learn everything about a person by the smallest, simplest act of thoughtfulness…
or selfishness.
Like in the 1998 Adam Sandler vehicle “The Wedding Singer,” written by Tim Herlihy.
Early in the film, Julia (Drew Barrymore) says she always wanted to see Las Vegas from an airplane, the famous strip of casinos and hotels all lit up at night. Then, when she hops a plane and elopes with her douche fiancé, he won’t let her have the window seat! And that says it all!
He’s a douche!
And Rebekah was selfless and kind.
… and smokin’ hot!
.
Friday, November 27
Milk, Honey, and a pain in my Ass
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"And I come down to deliver them out of the hands of the Egyptians,
and to bring them up out of that land into a good, large land,
a land flowing with milk and honey."
(Ex. 3:8)
The first time the land of Israel is described this way!
Which means Israel sucks, if you're a vegan.
But still, compared to slavery in Egypt, this "promised land" sounds pretty sweet!
Well...
.
The morning after Thanksgiving.
In Israel.
No Black Friday here (Erev Shabbat Shakhor).
Around 8 AM this morning, coming out of a turkey-induced coma (or a tofukurkey-induced, as it were), a loud noise woke me up!
The wife soon followed.
We heard a man's voice speaking Hebrew outside our apartment.
On a megaphone.
The missus was worried. Not worried enough to look out the window or call the police, just worried enough to complain to me on her way to the toilet.
Ah, married life.
"What the hell is that?"
Bomb threat?
Air raid?
Terrorist... something?
None of the above.
I looked out the window and saw two orthodox Jews in a small car, with a megaphone strapped onto the roof. Slowly driving up and down the street.
Yammering about something. On a megaphone. In Hebrew.
A few mothers, pushing strollers, stopped the car, told the guys to (I assume) go away or "eff off" (or, in Hebrew, "fey off").
After her morning visit to "the office," my beloved asked me what the guys were saying.
"Oh, I understood them. What that guy was saying was, 'Hey everyone! The local supermarket is having a sale on megaphones! I just got one! Isn't cool?'"
That's the beauty of Israel.
It eliminates racism and bigotry.
I can't say, "Damn noisy Hispanic-Americans."
or
"Damn scary African-Americans."
or
"Damn intellectually-intimidating Asian-Americans."
I can't say any of that!
'Cause It's ALL Jews!
Everyone is Jewish!
And guess what...
Everyone still gets on my nerves!
The teenagers are rude and loud.
The drivers are still reckless, the pedestrians still oblivious.
The religious people still impose their views on others... but instead of Bible-beating Southerners, they're Tanach-tapping Orthodox.
There are more Jews in Israel than in ALL of the United States... but barely.
And in America the Jews are spread out. Mostly on opposite coasts of the country.
Here, the Jews are EVERYWHERE!
And y'know what? Religion and race don't matter!
People are annoying!
All people!
It's a beautiful thing.
Irritating as hell, sure... but also beautiful.
.
"And I come down to deliver them out of the hands of the Egyptians,
and to bring them up out of that land into a good, large land,
a land flowing with milk and honey."
(Ex. 3:8)
The first time the land of Israel is described this way!
Which means Israel sucks, if you're a vegan.
But still, compared to slavery in Egypt, this "promised land" sounds pretty sweet!
Well...
.
The morning after Thanksgiving.
In Israel.
No Black Friday here (Erev Shabbat Shakhor).
Around 8 AM this morning, coming out of a turkey-induced coma (or a tofukurkey-induced, as it were), a loud noise woke me up!
The wife soon followed.
We heard a man's voice speaking Hebrew outside our apartment.
On a megaphone.
The missus was worried. Not worried enough to look out the window or call the police, just worried enough to complain to me on her way to the toilet.
Ah, married life.
"What the hell is that?"
Bomb threat?
Air raid?
Terrorist... something?
None of the above.
I looked out the window and saw two orthodox Jews in a small car, with a megaphone strapped onto the roof. Slowly driving up and down the street.
Yammering about something. On a megaphone. In Hebrew.
A few mothers, pushing strollers, stopped the car, told the guys to (I assume) go away or "eff off" (or, in Hebrew, "fey off").
After her morning visit to "the office," my beloved asked me what the guys were saying.
"Oh, I understood them. What that guy was saying was, 'Hey everyone! The local supermarket is having a sale on megaphones! I just got one! Isn't cool?'"
That's the beauty of Israel.
It eliminates racism and bigotry.
I can't say, "Damn noisy Hispanic-Americans."
or
"Damn scary African-Americans."
or
"Damn intellectually-intimidating Asian-Americans."
I can't say any of that!
'Cause It's ALL Jews!
Everyone is Jewish!
And guess what...
Everyone still gets on my nerves!
The teenagers are rude and loud.
The drivers are still reckless, the pedestrians still oblivious.
The religious people still impose their views on others... but instead of Bible-beating Southerners, they're Tanach-tapping Orthodox.
There are more Jews in Israel than in ALL of the United States... but barely.
And in America the Jews are spread out. Mostly on opposite coasts of the country.
Here, the Jews are EVERYWHERE!
And y'know what? Religion and race don't matter!
People are annoying!
All people!
It's a beautiful thing.
Irritating as hell, sure... but also beautiful.
.
Thursday, November 26
Meat, Thanksgiving and Animal Sex!
.
Happy Thankgiving!
Or, as Israelis call it... Thursday.
Or Yom Chamishi.
Let's talk a little bit about Turkey... or meat!
How about the first food ever mentioned in the Bible.
Now, in an earlier entry (Nov. 7th, "Yes, I'm Gonna Marry a Carrot") I mentioned that Adam and Eve were vegetarians while in the Garden of Eden.
But did you know that even AFTER the Expulsion they were STILL tofu-munchers?!
After the tree/apple/snake debacle, God tells Adam:
"Cursed is the ground for thy sake, in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life... Thou shalt eat the herb of the field; in the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread..." (Gen. 3:17-19)
So, only bread and veggies. Both before and after the Garden of Eden.
And remember Gen. 1:29---
"God said, 'Behold, I have given you every herb yielding seed, which is on the surface of all the earth, and every tree, which bears fruit yielding seed. to you it shall be for meat."
But did you know that in the very next verse, God also told ANIMALS to be vegetarian!
"And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air and to everything that creeps upon the earth, wherein there is life, I have given every green herb for meat, and it was so."
Notice the part "wherein there is life."
It's poetic, kind of saying, "If a creature has life inside it, it should not eat something else with life inside it."
(i.e., treat your neighbor animals as yourself)
That's just how I interpret it.
You may see it differently.
After all, there's more than one way to skin (and then eat) a cat.
Interesting point-- the King James Version says "to you it shall be for MEAT", while most other versions of the Bible say "FOOD." Essentially, I think the writers of the KJV were sayin, "You know the way YOU think of meat? Well, THAT'S how the first creatures of the earth thought of vegetables and plants."
But now it seems ridiculous that God would require animals to only eat vegetables.
I know, I know-- a snake just tricked two people into eating a magic apple... but THIS is hard to believe???
I take umbrage with THIS part of the Bible?!
(Umbrage! SAT word!)
This is what I call a T.M.B.S. moment.
That stands for "This Movie is Bull Shit!"
At some point, while watching a movie, someone will say, "Oh, come ON! That's unbelievable!"
Example:
In the beginning of the film "Men In Black," an alien climbs up the side of the Guggenheim Museum in Manhattan. Will Smith, who is chasing the alien, shoots the glass out of the front door and goes in.
Watching it, a friend of mine scoffed, "Come on! Where's the alarm?!"
True, if you broke the glass to a museum's entrance, an alarm would most likely sound... making it difficult to stop the ALIENS!!!!
(eye roll)
So God told the animals NOT to eat each other.
Well, what about this:
On the 5th day, after the Almighty created sea creatures and birds, God said, "Be fruitful and multiply, fill the waters in the seas and let fowl multiply on the earth" (1:22).
That's right... God had to TELL animals to have sex!
God told birds to screw and God told whales to hump.
(pun!)
Why not?
In the beginning, there were vegetarian, sexually-reserved animals... just like today!
Kind of... your dog eats its own shit and humps your leg.
Sounds like a good date to me.
Happy Thankgiving!
Or, as Israelis call it... Thursday.
Or Yom Chamishi.
Let's talk a little bit about Turkey... or meat!
How about the first food ever mentioned in the Bible.
Now, in an earlier entry (Nov. 7th, "Yes, I'm Gonna Marry a Carrot") I mentioned that Adam and Eve were vegetarians while in the Garden of Eden.
But did you know that even AFTER the Expulsion they were STILL tofu-munchers?!
After the tree/apple/snake debacle, God tells Adam:
"Cursed is the ground for thy sake, in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life... Thou shalt eat the herb of the field; in the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread..." (Gen. 3:17-19)
So, only bread and veggies. Both before and after the Garden of Eden.
And remember Gen. 1:29---
"God said, 'Behold, I have given you every herb yielding seed, which is on the surface of all the earth, and every tree, which bears fruit yielding seed. to you it shall be for meat."
But did you know that in the very next verse, God also told ANIMALS to be vegetarian!
"And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air and to everything that creeps upon the earth, wherein there is life, I have given every green herb for meat, and it was so."
Notice the part "wherein there is life."
It's poetic, kind of saying, "If a creature has life inside it, it should not eat something else with life inside it."
(i.e., treat your neighbor animals as yourself)
That's just how I interpret it.
You may see it differently.
After all, there's more than one way to skin (and then eat) a cat.
Interesting point-- the King James Version says "to you it shall be for MEAT", while most other versions of the Bible say "FOOD." Essentially, I think the writers of the KJV were sayin, "You know the way YOU think of meat? Well, THAT'S how the first creatures of the earth thought of vegetables and plants."
But now it seems ridiculous that God would require animals to only eat vegetables.
I know, I know-- a snake just tricked two people into eating a magic apple... but THIS is hard to believe???
I take umbrage with THIS part of the Bible?!
(Umbrage! SAT word!)
This is what I call a T.M.B.S. moment.
That stands for "This Movie is Bull Shit!"
At some point, while watching a movie, someone will say, "Oh, come ON! That's unbelievable!"
Example:
In the beginning of the film "Men In Black," an alien climbs up the side of the Guggenheim Museum in Manhattan. Will Smith, who is chasing the alien, shoots the glass out of the front door and goes in.
Watching it, a friend of mine scoffed, "Come on! Where's the alarm?!"
True, if you broke the glass to a museum's entrance, an alarm would most likely sound... making it difficult to stop the ALIENS!!!!
(eye roll)
So God told the animals NOT to eat each other.
Well, what about this:
On the 5th day, after the Almighty created sea creatures and birds, God said, "Be fruitful and multiply, fill the waters in the seas and let fowl multiply on the earth" (1:22).
That's right... God had to TELL animals to have sex!
God told birds to screw and God told whales to hump.
(pun!)
Why not?
In the beginning, there were vegetarian, sexually-reserved animals... just like today!
Kind of... your dog eats its own shit and humps your leg.
Sounds like a good date to me.
Wednesday, November 25
Pharaoh = Ancient Egyptian Douche
.
Which Pharaoh was the jerk from the Exodus?
Many believe it was either Thutmose II or Thutmose III...
Notice anything interesting about those names (and also Raamses)?
In ancient Egyptian, the letters M-(O)-S-E-S meant "child" or "is born."
So Raamses means...
Anyone?... Bueller?
Right-- "Ra'amses" means "child of Ra" (the Egyptian sun god).
Son of a sun god! New means of cursing, try it out.
"Moses" is supposedly word play on the ancient Hebrew words "to draw out", since lil' baby Moses was DRAWN OUT of the Nile by Pharaoh's daughter, and he would later help DRAW the Israelites OUT of slavery.
Oh, Bible, you are so clever...
... a snake feeds a naked chick an apple, and now THIS!!!
.
Which Pharaoh was the jerk from the Exodus?
Many believe it was either Thutmose II or Thutmose III...
Notice anything interesting about those names (and also Raamses)?
In ancient Egyptian, the letters M-(O)-S-E-S meant "child" or "is born."
So Raamses means...
Anyone?... Bueller?
Right-- "Ra'amses" means "child of Ra" (the Egyptian sun god).
Son of a sun god! New means of cursing, try it out.
"Moses" is supposedly word play on the ancient Hebrew words "to draw out", since lil' baby Moses was DRAWN OUT of the Nile by Pharaoh's daughter, and he would later help DRAW the Israelites OUT of slavery.
Oh, Bible, you are so clever...
... a snake feeds a naked chick an apple, and now THIS!!!
.
Watch out-- here come the Jews!
.
Exodus begins with a new Pharaoh in Egypt (FYI, "pharaoh" is one of the oldest words in recorded history, meaning "big house"), and this Pharaoh didn't know about Jacob, Joseph and their Hebrew brethren who were so cool (and good with numbers and frugal)!
So Pharaoh says "Behold, the people of the children of Israel are more and mightier than we" (1:9), marking the last time in recorded history the Jews were ever described with those two adjectives.
And so Pharaoh, wanting to keep them weak and few in number, enslaved them ("set taskmasters over them" (v.11)
But the Israelites would have none of that...
"But the more they afflicted them, the more they multiplied and grew" (v.12).
That's right! The Israelites were having spite sex!
"Honey, I'm not in the mood!"
"Come on, Shirley, you want us Israelites to die out?
"No way, I won't give Pharaoh the satisfaction."
"Good... now speaking of satisfaction..."
And so Moses' mom, Yocheved, or in the King James-- Jochebed or Sofabed or Futon) put him in a basket and sent him down the Nile. It's like Moses' mom was a pregnant teen on prom night!
.
Exodus begins with a new Pharaoh in Egypt (FYI, "pharaoh" is one of the oldest words in recorded history, meaning "big house"), and this Pharaoh didn't know about Jacob, Joseph and their Hebrew brethren who were so cool (and good with numbers and frugal)!
So Pharaoh says "Behold, the people of the children of Israel are more and mightier than we" (1:9), marking the last time in recorded history the Jews were ever described with those two adjectives.
And so Pharaoh, wanting to keep them weak and few in number, enslaved them ("set taskmasters over them" (v.11)
But the Israelites would have none of that...
"But the more they afflicted them, the more they multiplied and grew" (v.12).
That's right! The Israelites were having spite sex!
"Honey, I'm not in the mood!"
"Come on, Shirley, you want us Israelites to die out?
"No way, I won't give Pharaoh the satisfaction."
"Good... now speaking of satisfaction..."
And so Moses' mom, Yocheved, or in the King James-- Jochebed or Sofabed or Futon) put him in a basket and sent him down the Nile. It's like Moses' mom was a pregnant teen on prom night!
.
Monday, November 23
A Rebbetzman Among the "Ortho"s
.
Last week I went to the Jerusalem Zoo,
And 2 days ago I went to Meah Sha'arim!
Differences?
Orthodox Jews RARELY throw their poo at you...
Rarely.
Meah Sha'arim is a small community in the heart of Jerusalem, several streets where the people all look... Amish. Right out of a 19th century European shtetl, it is a community filled with Orthodox and "Haredi" Jews.
Haredi (חֲרֵדִי) comes from the word "charada," meaning FEAR or ANXIETY, which is interpreted as "one who trembles in awe of God" (from Isaiah 66:2,5).
The men all dress in black, wear hats, fringes/tzitzit and most have beards. The women are in long skirts, long sleeves and hair covered (if they are over 18 or married-- the former is nearly always the same as the latter). They follow the Bible in the strictest sense.
Moses summed up his presence in Egypt, a Jew among idol worshipers, with the famous
"I was stranger in a strange land..." (Ex. 2:22).
And so was I... in Jerusalem.
Irony!!!!!
I thought, "I am a (relatively) enlightened Jew. I went to 13 years of Jewish day school, graduated from the Jewish Theological Seminary, taught Hebrew School and I'm living in Israel... and these folks STILL seem effin' weird to me!"
But y'know what... it's all relative.
I probably looked odd in their eyes.
Because people feel comfy with what they know.
But it's a big world. There are Haredi Jews in Jerusalem, Masai warriors on the African veldt, short people, tall people, blind people with food on their faces (to be expected), and me... and we all gotta make it work.
It's like Harrison Ford's character in "Witness", an undercover cop living amongst the Amish.
(In this analogy I'm Harrison... naturally).
In one scene, he has trouble milking a cow, and an older Amish fella incredulously asks, "You never had your hands on a teat before?"
Harrison answers, "Not one this big."
Ha!
Amen, brother!
... What was my point?
Oh yeah...
Cow boobs are hilarious...
and to each his own.
So be polite, try something new, grab a teat, see a Jew.
But please do not feed the monkeys.
.
Last week I went to the Jerusalem Zoo,
And 2 days ago I went to Meah Sha'arim!
Differences?
Orthodox Jews RARELY throw their poo at you...
Rarely.
Meah Sha'arim is a small community in the heart of Jerusalem, several streets where the people all look... Amish. Right out of a 19th century European shtetl, it is a community filled with Orthodox and "Haredi" Jews.
Haredi (חֲרֵדִי) comes from the word "charada," meaning FEAR or ANXIETY, which is interpreted as "one who trembles in awe of God" (from Isaiah 66:2,5).
The men all dress in black, wear hats, fringes/tzitzit and most have beards. The women are in long skirts, long sleeves and hair covered (if they are over 18 or married-- the former is nearly always the same as the latter). They follow the Bible in the strictest sense.
Moses summed up his presence in Egypt, a Jew among idol worshipers, with the famous
"I was stranger in a strange land..." (Ex. 2:22).
And so was I... in Jerusalem.
Irony!!!!!
I thought, "I am a (relatively) enlightened Jew. I went to 13 years of Jewish day school, graduated from the Jewish Theological Seminary, taught Hebrew School and I'm living in Israel... and these folks STILL seem effin' weird to me!"
But y'know what... it's all relative.
I probably looked odd in their eyes.
Because people feel comfy with what they know.
But it's a big world. There are Haredi Jews in Jerusalem, Masai warriors on the African veldt, short people, tall people, blind people with food on their faces (to be expected), and me... and we all gotta make it work.
It's like Harrison Ford's character in "Witness", an undercover cop living amongst the Amish.
(In this analogy I'm Harrison... naturally).
In one scene, he has trouble milking a cow, and an older Amish fella incredulously asks, "You never had your hands on a teat before?"
Harrison answers, "Not one this big."
Ha!
Amen, brother!
... What was my point?
Oh yeah...
Cow boobs are hilarious...
and to each his own.
So be polite, try something new, grab a teat, see a Jew.
But please do not feed the monkeys.
.
Sunday, November 22
"Excuse me, Honey... Which way is the Gym?"
Jacob tricks his bleary-eyed pop and steals his brother's blessing and his inheritance.
(in Jacob's defense...um... his brother was hairy?)
So Jacob did what any of us would do... he ran!
He comes to a new land and sees some shepherds chillin' around a giant stone, as shepherds are wont to do (those that don't chat with flaming shrubbery).
The shepherds roll the "great stone" away, and below it is a well; their sheep drink from the well, then they roll the stone back (Gen. 29:2-3)
Wow.
Being a shepherd: non-stop thrill ride.
But check it--
Then, my man Jacob sees Rachel coming over with her dad's sheep, and you know happens ...
"When Jacob saw Rachel... and the sheep... Jacob went near and rolled the stone from the well's mouth and watered the flock" (Gen. 29:15).
Damn!
My King James version calls it "a feat of unusual strength." This ain't no Festivus. This is Jacob whippin' it out and showin' Rachel what he's made of.
And you know what... that's the smartest thing Jacob has done.
"And this takes us to the second rule of Being Steve: You have to do something excellent in her presence, thus demonstrating your sexual worthiness."
-- Rule #2, "Tao of Steve", written by Duncan North
This makes TOTAL sense! Ya gotta do something to make 'em go "Wow." Ya gotta impress the ladies (as my pal Malcolm X would say) by any means necessary!
It doesn't matter what you do to impress them... as long as you're good at it!
Everybody can do something!
Jacob could roll a bolder and give water to sheep. My buddy Frank can karaoke-sing to MeatLoaf's "I Would Do Anything For Love" better than anybody. Claire Standish can apply her lipstick simply by placing it in her cleavage, looking down and moving her head back and forth.
(Don't you... forget about me)
And I...
I can juggle.
(sigh)
And write immature poetry.
Back in college, when I was courting my now-wife, I was taking a Poetry class. So I read her the following poem, to show her... how sensitive I was?
I guess it worked. And the rest, as they say, is hysterectomy.
Enjoy.
The Love Poem To End All Love Poems
Love thy neighbor, wherever you roam.
Just you make sure her husband’s not home.
Love inspires poets to create works of art.
They say it’s like a red, red rose,
... or an Achy Breaky Heart.
What is love? Is it Attraction? Allure?
Baby, don’t hurt me. Don’t hurt me, no more. (What is love?)
They say love is blind, so it’s no great leap
To condone love with all: man, woman or sheep.
Love can be tricky, with one who is chaste.
But it certainly helps if you’re both shit-faced.
Affection’s elusive with a girl who is moral.
She might give you love, but she won’t give you… the time of day.
“At the touch of love, we all become poets.”
Plato said that. Boy, don’t I know it.
(ahem)
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art sweaty and thou dost attract mosquitoes.
.
(in Jacob's defense...um... his brother was hairy?)
So Jacob did what any of us would do... he ran!
He comes to a new land and sees some shepherds chillin' around a giant stone, as shepherds are wont to do (those that don't chat with flaming shrubbery).
The shepherds roll the "great stone" away, and below it is a well; their sheep drink from the well, then they roll the stone back (Gen. 29:2-3)
Wow.
Being a shepherd: non-stop thrill ride.
But check it--
Then, my man Jacob sees Rachel coming over with her dad's sheep, and you know happens ...
"When Jacob saw Rachel... and the sheep... Jacob went near and rolled the stone from the well's mouth and watered the flock" (Gen. 29:15).
Damn!
My King James version calls it "a feat of unusual strength." This ain't no Festivus. This is Jacob whippin' it out and showin' Rachel what he's made of.
And you know what... that's the smartest thing Jacob has done.
"And this takes us to the second rule of Being Steve: You have to do something excellent in her presence, thus demonstrating your sexual worthiness."
-- Rule #2, "Tao of Steve", written by Duncan North
This makes TOTAL sense! Ya gotta do something to make 'em go "Wow." Ya gotta impress the ladies (as my pal Malcolm X would say) by any means necessary!
It doesn't matter what you do to impress them... as long as you're good at it!
Everybody can do something!
Jacob could roll a bolder and give water to sheep. My buddy Frank can karaoke-sing to MeatLoaf's "I Would Do Anything For Love" better than anybody. Claire Standish can apply her lipstick simply by placing it in her cleavage, looking down and moving her head back and forth.
(Don't you... forget about me)
And I...
I can juggle.
(sigh)
And write immature poetry.
Back in college, when I was courting my now-wife, I was taking a Poetry class. So I read her the following poem, to show her... how sensitive I was?
I guess it worked. And the rest, as they say, is hysterectomy.
Enjoy.
The Love Poem To End All Love Poems
Love thy neighbor, wherever you roam.
Just you make sure her husband’s not home.
Love inspires poets to create works of art.
They say it’s like a red, red rose,
... or an Achy Breaky Heart.
What is love? Is it Attraction? Allure?
Baby, don’t hurt me. Don’t hurt me, no more. (What is love?)
They say love is blind, so it’s no great leap
To condone love with all: man, woman or sheep.
Love can be tricky, with one who is chaste.
But it certainly helps if you’re both shit-faced.
Affection’s elusive with a girl who is moral.
She might give you love, but she won’t give you… the time of day.
“At the touch of love, we all become poets.”
Plato said that. Boy, don’t I know it.
(ahem)
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art sweaty and thou dost attract mosquitoes.
.
Saturday, November 21
Humble Pie
"And Abram fell on his face, and God talked with him.." (Gen. 17:3)
"Then Abram fell upon his face and laughed..." (Gen. 17:17)
Either Abe is really humble, or he's Chevy Chase circa 1975.
Yeah, yeah, he's bowing down, a means of supplication... he is being humble.
That is why Abraham was the father of a nation and set the patriarchal bar so high.
His humility!
And how do I know?
The greatest professor of all time taught me:
A penitent man shall pass.
"Penitent... Penitent... Penitent man shall pass...
Penitent man...
A penitent man kneels before God... Kneel!!!"
-- Prof. Henry Jones, Jr.
If Abraham and Indiana can be humble, surely the rest of us can try.
Plus, Abe was able to laugh at himself-- the rest of verse 17...
"Then Abram fell upon his face and laughed and said in his heart, shall a child be born unto him that is one hundred years old?..."
"Laugh at yourself, but don't ever
aim your doubt at yourself. Be bold.
When you embark for strange
places, don't leave any of yourself
safely on shore. Have the nerve to
go into unexplored territory."
-- Alan Alda (the actor?!)
"The Lord said to Abram, 'Get thee out of thy country, and from thy kindred, and from thy father's house, unto a land that I will show thee' " (Gen. 12:1)
"Check thy self before thou wreck thyself"
-- 11th commandment
.
"Then Abram fell upon his face and laughed..." (Gen. 17:17)
Either Abe is really humble, or he's Chevy Chase circa 1975.
Yeah, yeah, he's bowing down, a means of supplication... he is being humble.
That is why Abraham was the father of a nation and set the patriarchal bar so high.
His humility!
And how do I know?
The greatest professor of all time taught me:
A penitent man shall pass.
"Penitent... Penitent... Penitent man shall pass...
Penitent man...
A penitent man kneels before God... Kneel!!!"
-- Prof. Henry Jones, Jr.
If Abraham and Indiana can be humble, surely the rest of us can try.
Plus, Abe was able to laugh at himself-- the rest of verse 17...
"Then Abram fell upon his face and laughed and said in his heart, shall a child be born unto him that is one hundred years old?..."
"Laugh at yourself, but don't ever
aim your doubt at yourself. Be bold.
When you embark for strange
places, don't leave any of yourself
safely on shore. Have the nerve to
go into unexplored territory."
-- Alan Alda (the actor?!)
"The Lord said to Abram, 'Get thee out of thy country, and from thy kindred, and from thy father's house, unto a land that I will show thee' " (Gen. 12:1)
"Check thy self before thou wreck thyself"
-- 11th commandment
.
Thursday, November 19
Nude Noah / Drunk Dad
Noah celebrated the end of the flood the way most of us celebrate:
"And he drank of the wine and was drunk; and was uncovered within his tent."
(Gen. 9:21)
In other words,
"TOGA! TOGA! TOGA!"
-- Animal House
or
"We're going streaking!"
-- Old School
Then Noah's youngest son, Ham (pronounced "Khahm"), walks in on him and tells his 2 brothers about it. The 2 brothers enter the tent backwards and cover their soused poppa with a blanket "their faces were backward and they saw not their father's nakedness" (v.23). They didn't want to embarrass their dad, who was vulnerable... and butt nekkid.
About 15 years ago my family was at neighbor's house for a big Friday night dinner. After the meal, all the parents were upstairs talking, the kids were hanging out in the basement. I went upstairs to grab some dessert and I saw all the adults silently gathered around a friend's mom, who was gulping in air.
It turns out she had been choking on a piece of chicken and someone had just performed the Heimlich maneuver on her.
All I could think was...
"Wow! Cool!"
I rushed downstairs and told my friend, excited as a 14 year old girl meeting the cast of "Twilight"...
"Hey, David! Guess what! Your mom almost died just now!"
As all the kids packed the dining room to make sure David's mom was okay, my father pulled me aside.
"I am very disappointed in you."
Not the first time I'd heard that.
Certainly not the last.
But that stuck with me.
Instead of maintaining composure, I wanted to be the bearer of news.
My Dad was essentially quoting "Scrubs", which was quoting "Fat Albert":
"You're like school in July... no class."
---------------------------------------------
But my dad and I were all right.
In fact, we grew closer. He and my brothers came up with a code word. Y'see, in the summer times we would all wear shorts. And occasionally the shorts would be... a little too short. So whenever one of us was overexposed or "hanging brain", the others would whisper, "Dude... the toast is burning."
And then the culprit would know to re-adjust, to fix the feng shui of his family jewels.
And once in a while we'd have to let our elder statesman know, "Woah! The toast is ON FIRE! You've burned down the kitchen!!"
Sigh...
Just like with Noah!
“Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.”
-- Frank Sinatra
"And he drank of the wine and was drunk; and was uncovered within his tent."
(Gen. 9:21)
In other words,
"TOGA! TOGA! TOGA!"
-- Animal House
or
"We're going streaking!"
-- Old School
Then Noah's youngest son, Ham (pronounced "Khahm"), walks in on him and tells his 2 brothers about it. The 2 brothers enter the tent backwards and cover their soused poppa with a blanket "their faces were backward and they saw not their father's nakedness" (v.23). They didn't want to embarrass their dad, who was vulnerable... and butt nekkid.
About 15 years ago my family was at neighbor's house for a big Friday night dinner. After the meal, all the parents were upstairs talking, the kids were hanging out in the basement. I went upstairs to grab some dessert and I saw all the adults silently gathered around a friend's mom, who was gulping in air.
It turns out she had been choking on a piece of chicken and someone had just performed the Heimlich maneuver on her.
All I could think was...
"Wow! Cool!"
I rushed downstairs and told my friend, excited as a 14 year old girl meeting the cast of "Twilight"...
"Hey, David! Guess what! Your mom almost died just now!"
As all the kids packed the dining room to make sure David's mom was okay, my father pulled me aside.
"I am very disappointed in you."
Not the first time I'd heard that.
Certainly not the last.
But that stuck with me.
Instead of maintaining composure, I wanted to be the bearer of news.
My Dad was essentially quoting "Scrubs", which was quoting "Fat Albert":
"You're like school in July... no class."
---------------------------------------------
But my dad and I were all right.
In fact, we grew closer. He and my brothers came up with a code word. Y'see, in the summer times we would all wear shorts. And occasionally the shorts would be... a little too short. So whenever one of us was overexposed or "hanging brain", the others would whisper, "Dude... the toast is burning."
And then the culprit would know to re-adjust, to fix the feng shui of his family jewels.
And once in a while we'd have to let our elder statesman know, "Woah! The toast is ON FIRE! You've burned down the kitchen!!"
Sigh...
Just like with Noah!
“Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.”
-- Frank Sinatra
Tuesday, November 17
Tee Many Martoonis!
(Gen. 9:21)
"And he drank of the wine and was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent."
Many commentators have derided Noah for his uncouth behavior here.
My opinion...
What's the big deal?
Noah spent over a month on a boat with his family and (let's just say) many, many animals. He did what God asked, built the ark, saved humanity and several species... what more does God want???
He is entitled to unwind a little, enjoy himself.
Same thing with maternity leave, the G.I. bill, or the oil rig turned astronaut guys on the rocket ship in "Armageddon" (1998), who tell the president they don't to pay taxes... ever again.
Why the hell not! They're entitled!
Besides I've said it before, I'll say it again---
Pobody's Nerfect.
They can't all be Moses, okay!
Not everyone is Odysseus, Harry Potter, or Gene Hackman from the original "Poseidon Adventure" (1972-- awesome flick).
Some heroes are flawed.
Actually, MOST heroes are flawed.
Think about it:
Beowulf, Spiderman, Captain Jack Sparrow... the list is endless!
So what if Noah got drunk!
Sure, it leads to Noah's son (Ham) gawking and laughing at him (9:22). But what's the big deal? Why does Noah have to curse Ham's kid, his grandson? (v.25-26)
Is this simply to emphasize "Honor your dad"?
But what really boils my custard-- or burns my bagel, or turns my yogurt... what annoys me is the asterisk in my bible pointing to Genesis 19:30-35 as a similar instance where wine leads to sin.
In 19:30-35, Lot's daughters think the world is coming to an end, they conspire to get their dad wasted, then they hump his drunken brains out and (eventually) give birth to his (grand)sons.
First of all, today this is known as a Kentucky Honeymoon.
Second of all... Ewwwww.
I think that is a MUCH worse, MUCH more sinful (or, biblically-speaking, "icky")
abuse of wine than Ham simply peaking at his naked drunk dad.
Getting drunk isn't always awful.
It's all relative (ha! an incest pun! The first of many).
Last week I joined my wife, who is in her 2nd year of Rabbinical school, at a local Israeli bar (or in Hebrew, "pub"), along with two dozen other rabbis-to-be. Let me tell you, few things are as amusing as young rabbinical students singing karaoke and arguing about Jewish law ("Talmud Bavli? How about Talmud Blow me!").
But that is how rabbis unwind. And everyone needs that.
One November evening during college, at a cast party I was frustrated, alone, and I became quite inebriated. At a friend's apartment on 115th st. in Manhattan, Saturday evening, around 2 AM, I began drinking vodka and rum like water and... darker-colored water.
The next thing I know I lying in my bed (alone, for the record), in my apartment on 121 st., and it is 8 PM SUNDAY NIGHT!
And there are vomit stains everywhere. I have ruined all the books for my classic American Lit. class-- the works of Ernest Hemingway, Mark Twain, Edith Wharton... all gross!!
What a loss!!
(well, not so much the Edith Wharton).
I learned that my roommate had to carry me home and help me go to the bathroom (according to him, he merely instructed me as I aimed, "Left... right... DOWN! DOWN!)
So... my point is... I am like Noah!
Except... my woodworking skills... Ikea... make your own joke.
Maximus the "Gladiator"
"And he drank of the wine and was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent."
Many commentators have derided Noah for his uncouth behavior here.
My opinion...
What's the big deal?
Noah spent over a month on a boat with his family and (let's just say) many, many animals. He did what God asked, built the ark, saved humanity and several species... what more does God want???
He is entitled to unwind a little, enjoy himself.
Same thing with maternity leave, the G.I. bill, or the oil rig turned astronaut guys on the rocket ship in "Armageddon" (1998), who tell the president they don't to pay taxes... ever again.
Why the hell not! They're entitled!
Besides I've said it before, I'll say it again---
Pobody's Nerfect.
They can't all be Moses, okay!
Not everyone is Odysseus, Harry Potter, or Gene Hackman from the original "Poseidon Adventure" (1972-- awesome flick).
Some heroes are flawed.
Actually, MOST heroes are flawed.
Think about it:
Beowulf, Spiderman, Captain Jack Sparrow... the list is endless!
So what if Noah got drunk!
Sure, it leads to Noah's son (Ham) gawking and laughing at him (9:22). But what's the big deal? Why does Noah have to curse Ham's kid, his grandson? (v.25-26)
Is this simply to emphasize "Honor your dad"?
But what really boils my custard-- or burns my bagel, or turns my yogurt... what annoys me is the asterisk in my bible pointing to Genesis 19:30-35 as a similar instance where wine leads to sin.
In 19:30-35, Lot's daughters think the world is coming to an end, they conspire to get their dad wasted, then they hump his drunken brains out and (eventually) give birth to his (grand)sons.
First of all, today this is known as a Kentucky Honeymoon.
Second of all... Ewwwww.
I think that is a MUCH worse, MUCH more sinful (or, biblically-speaking, "icky")
abuse of wine than Ham simply peaking at his naked drunk dad.
Getting drunk isn't always awful.
It's all relative (ha! an incest pun! The first of many).
Last week I joined my wife, who is in her 2nd year of Rabbinical school, at a local Israeli bar (or in Hebrew, "pub"), along with two dozen other rabbis-to-be. Let me tell you, few things are as amusing as young rabbinical students singing karaoke and arguing about Jewish law ("Talmud Bavli? How about Talmud Blow me!").
But that is how rabbis unwind. And everyone needs that.
One November evening during college, at a cast party I was frustrated, alone, and I became quite inebriated. At a friend's apartment on 115th st. in Manhattan, Saturday evening, around 2 AM, I began drinking vodka and rum like water and... darker-colored water.
The next thing I know I lying in my bed (alone, for the record), in my apartment on 121 st., and it is 8 PM SUNDAY NIGHT!
And there are vomit stains everywhere. I have ruined all the books for my classic American Lit. class-- the works of Ernest Hemingway, Mark Twain, Edith Wharton... all gross!!
What a loss!!
(well, not so much the Edith Wharton).
I learned that my roommate had to carry me home and help me go to the bathroom (according to him, he merely instructed me as I aimed, "Left... right... DOWN! DOWN!)
So... my point is... I am like Noah!
Except... my woodworking skills... Ikea... make your own joke.
Maximus the "Gladiator"
"Snakes! Why'd it have to be Snakes?" -- Rabbi Indiana ben Jones
.
Oh, Bible, you come up with the most reasonable explanations for obvious things!
Adam and Eve, snake, apple, etc.
As punishment, God tells the snake (Gen. 3:15):
"I will put enmity between you and and the woman, between your seed and her seed, it shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise his heel."
A-ha! So THIS is the reason why people and snakes aren't best buddies!
If not for the unpleasant apple incident, we'd have domesticated the snake years ago, we'd be picking up their snake shit in ziploc bags, put little suctions on car windows- "Boa on Board"...
Westminster Snake Show, you get the idea...
The bible I'm reading explains that this is a metaphor-- man will triumph over Satan, linking this to Romans 16:20-- "And God shall bruise Satan under your feet shortly."
Really? The embodiment of pure evil and wickedness in the universe and the best we can do is-- "I'm gonna squash him with my foot!"
I shall destroy the Prince of Darkness 'neath my Nike cross-trainer!
.
Oh, Bible, you come up with the most reasonable explanations for obvious things!
Adam and Eve, snake, apple, etc.
As punishment, God tells the snake (Gen. 3:15):
"I will put enmity between you and and the woman, between your seed and her seed, it shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise his heel."
A-ha! So THIS is the reason why people and snakes aren't best buddies!
If not for the unpleasant apple incident, we'd have domesticated the snake years ago, we'd be picking up their snake shit in ziploc bags, put little suctions on car windows- "Boa on Board"...
Westminster Snake Show, you get the idea...
The bible I'm reading explains that this is a metaphor-- man will triumph over Satan, linking this to Romans 16:20-- "And God shall bruise Satan under your feet shortly."
Really? The embodiment of pure evil and wickedness in the universe and the best we can do is-- "I'm gonna squash him with my foot!"
I shall destroy the Prince of Darkness 'neath my Nike cross-trainer!
.
Monday, November 16
Baby baby, oh baby baby" -- Salt 'N Pepper
.
IRONY!!!!
God promises Abraham many kids (Gen. 13:16).
And yet, his wife
and his son's wife
and grandson's wife all had trouble gettin' preggers.
Sarah (Gen. 16:1); Rebekah (25:21); Rachel (29:31) -- all barren.
At first, not one of them could toss the ball through the hoop.
They couldn't knock over the milk bottle,
Ride the ferris wheel of procreation all the way to... God, I wanna go to a carnival!
(sigh)
One could say that God helping the matriarchs conceive emphasizes God's power-- showing how chosen the Israelites must have been, since they could barely conceive!
Or it reminds us what a true miracle childbirth is! It's unbelievable that it happens at all!
This barren problem is extra ironic, since the first mitzvah that people are commanded to do is procreate (Gen. 1:28).
Which at first seems redundant. Adam and Eve-- alone, chillin' in a garden, no TV or magazines, not to mention they are "naked, not ashamed," (Gen. 2:25) ... what ELSE are they gonna do? They really had to be TOLD to get "down with they bad selves??"
(insert your own "snake in her garden" joke)
Of course, God also told sea monsters and birds to procreate (Gen. 1:22)... not with each other... although maybe that's how we got dinosaurs...
Anyway, this biblical Narrative-Darwinism kinda makes sense-- before anything else, make sure the story keeps going by making more characters.
"...With an ability to survive, anything is possible, and without it... nothing."
-- Moss Hart, legendary Broadway writer/director/producer
"I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it." -- Beyonce
IRONY!!!!
God promises Abraham many kids (Gen. 13:16).
And yet, his wife
and his son's wife
and grandson's wife all had trouble gettin' preggers.
Sarah (Gen. 16:1); Rebekah (25:21); Rachel (29:31) -- all barren.
At first, not one of them could toss the ball through the hoop.
They couldn't knock over the milk bottle,
Ride the ferris wheel of procreation all the way to... God, I wanna go to a carnival!
(sigh)
One could say that God helping the matriarchs conceive emphasizes God's power-- showing how chosen the Israelites must have been, since they could barely conceive!
Or it reminds us what a true miracle childbirth is! It's unbelievable that it happens at all!
This barren problem is extra ironic, since the first mitzvah that people are commanded to do is procreate (Gen. 1:28).
Which at first seems redundant. Adam and Eve-- alone, chillin' in a garden, no TV or magazines, not to mention they are "naked, not ashamed," (Gen. 2:25) ... what ELSE are they gonna do? They really had to be TOLD to get "down with they bad selves??"
(insert your own "snake in her garden" joke)
Of course, God also told sea monsters and birds to procreate (Gen. 1:22)... not with each other... although maybe that's how we got dinosaurs...
Anyway, this biblical Narrative-Darwinism kinda makes sense-- before anything else, make sure the story keeps going by making more characters.
"...With an ability to survive, anything is possible, and without it... nothing."
-- Moss Hart, legendary Broadway writer/director/producer
"I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it." -- Beyonce
Saturday, November 14
She's a Lady... Woah woah woah
Abe and Sara:
"And he said to Sara his wife, 'Behold, I know that thou art a fair woman to look upon..." (Gen. 12:11)
Damn! Abe, you sweet-talker! Now THAT'S how you grease the wheels of romance... and Hebraic-monotheistic progeny.
This reminds me of the advice of my father--
"Women are like flowers:
They are soft
They are delicate
And if you keep them in your basement with no water or sunlight they will wither and die."
That's my Pop!
"Put the lotion in the basket!"
"And he said to Sara his wife, 'Behold, I know that thou art a fair woman to look upon..." (Gen. 12:11)
Damn! Abe, you sweet-talker! Now THAT'S how you grease the wheels of romance... and Hebraic-monotheistic progeny.
This reminds me of the advice of my father--
"Women are like flowers:
They are soft
They are delicate
And if you keep them in your basement with no water or sunlight they will wither and die."
That's my Pop!
"Put the lotion in the basket!"
Friday, November 13
Love-- a 4-Letter Word
"And Isaac... took Rebekah and she became his wife;
and he loved her"(Gen. 24:67)
Strange as it may seem, this is the first instance of someone actually LOVING someone else in the Bible.
Remember, God told Adam, "It's not good for man to be alone; I will make a help mate for him" (Gen. 2:18)-- not exactly flowers and candle light. Sounds like Adam and Eve are buddies, going on adventures, played by Mel Gibson and Danny Glover.
And God told Abraham to sacrifice Izzy, "your son, whom you love" (Gen. 22:1)
But that ain't romantic love!
Izzy and Becca, it's the first and last time LOVE is mentioned at all in Genesis!
You'd think LOVE would feature more prominently in the Book of Genesis, since Love helps in the CREATION of... you know... more people.
(bow chicka bow)
Love and Alcohol.
Speaking of both...
College:
In college, I watched as my buddies got girlfriends, rounded the bases multiple times, copped many-a feel, and it drove me crazy!
But not anymore.
Before I got married, some guys asked me, "Dude, you're settling down? Don't you want to play the field?"
I can honestly say... No. I was on the field for a short while and all I got were multiple concussions. Besides, you stay on the field too long, you end up crippled.
I never belonged on the field. I was never a "player." I wasn't even in the game! I wasn't on the team! I was outside the stadium, driving around, looking for a parking space.
Besides, now... why would I need to play the field? I already won the game.
and he loved her"(Gen. 24:67)
Strange as it may seem, this is the first instance of someone actually LOVING someone else in the Bible.
Remember, God told Adam, "It's not good for man to be alone; I will make a help mate for him" (Gen. 2:18)-- not exactly flowers and candle light. Sounds like Adam and Eve are buddies, going on adventures, played by Mel Gibson and Danny Glover.
And God told Abraham to sacrifice Izzy, "your son, whom you love" (Gen. 22:1)
But that ain't romantic love!
Izzy and Becca, it's the first and last time LOVE is mentioned at all in Genesis!
You'd think LOVE would feature more prominently in the Book of Genesis, since Love helps in the CREATION of... you know... more people.
(bow chicka bow)
Love and Alcohol.
Speaking of both...
College:
In college, I watched as my buddies got girlfriends, rounded the bases multiple times, copped many-a feel, and it drove me crazy!
But not anymore.
Before I got married, some guys asked me, "Dude, you're settling down? Don't you want to play the field?"
I can honestly say... No. I was on the field for a short while and all I got were multiple concussions. Besides, you stay on the field too long, you end up crippled.
I never belonged on the field. I was never a "player." I wasn't even in the game! I wasn't on the team! I was outside the stadium, driving around, looking for a parking space.
Besides, now... why would I need to play the field? I already won the game.
Wednesday, November 11
I Just Want To Be Loved... Is That So Wrong?
"Desperation is a stinky cologne"
-- Police Chief Grady, "Super Troopers," hilarious flick
Chapter 29 of Genesis is all about unrequited love.
Jacob...
"he also loved Rachel more than Leah" (verse 30)
But there is poetic justice:
"And when the Lord saw that Leah was hated, He opened her womb; but Rachel was barren." (31)
The first three sons of Leah:
Etymology of Hebrew Names:
Reuben = looking
Simeon = hearing
Levi = closeness, lit. "to me"
Leah had a son, named him Reuben, because "the Lord LOOKED upon my affliction, now therefore my husband will love me." (32)
She named her next son Simeon, "because the Lord HEARD I was hated." (33)
Third son, Levi, because Leah hoped "now this time my husband will be JOINED TO ME." (34)
(Same thing with poor Hagar, Abe's wife, Gen. 16:11)
Poor Leah!
She was the last kid picked last for softball, who had to take her cousin to Prom, who sat next to the teacher on class trips...
Never mind that Leah's offspring were the ancestors of Aaron and the priestly family (from Levi) and King David and his progeny (from Judah)...
Poor Leah, she wanted to be loved!
"Can anybody find me somebody to loo-oove?"
--Freddy Mercury, Queen
"I just want a love for the rest of my life, I wanna hold you in the morning, Hold you through the night"
-- Eminem
Freddy, Eminem, and Leah all share something...
Desperation!
And every single person has felt the same way.
"Jane, get me off this crazy thing... called Love."
-- "So I Married An Axe Murderer"
.
-- Police Chief Grady, "Super Troopers," hilarious flick
Chapter 29 of Genesis is all about unrequited love.
Jacob...
"he also loved Rachel more than Leah" (verse 30)
But there is poetic justice:
"And when the Lord saw that Leah was hated, He opened her womb; but Rachel was barren." (31)
The first three sons of Leah:
Etymology of Hebrew Names:
Reuben = looking
Simeon = hearing
Levi = closeness, lit. "to me"
Leah had a son, named him Reuben, because "the Lord LOOKED upon my affliction, now therefore my husband will love me." (32)
She named her next son Simeon, "because the Lord HEARD I was hated." (33)
Third son, Levi, because Leah hoped "now this time my husband will be JOINED TO ME." (34)
(Same thing with poor Hagar, Abe's wife, Gen. 16:11)
Poor Leah!
She was the last kid picked last for softball, who had to take her cousin to Prom, who sat next to the teacher on class trips...
Never mind that Leah's offspring were the ancestors of Aaron and the priestly family (from Levi) and King David and his progeny (from Judah)...
Poor Leah, she wanted to be loved!
"Can anybody find me somebody to loo-oove?"
--Freddy Mercury, Queen
"I just want a love for the rest of my life, I wanna hold you in the morning, Hold you through the night"
-- Eminem
Freddy, Eminem, and Leah all share something...
Desperation!
And every single person has felt the same way.
"Jane, get me off this crazy thing... called Love."
-- "So I Married An Axe Murderer"
.
Tuesday, November 10
Don't Know Much 'bout Etymology
In Genesis 32, Jacob has a dream-- he wrestles with an angel.
So God renames him "Israel" (verse 28) --
which translates to mean... "Isra"-- struggle/wrestle; and "El"-- God.
This is a common practice with Hebrew names. "Gabri-el" = Strong Man of God; "Ari-el(le)" = Lion of God; "Dani-el" = Judge of God.
So Jacob is renamed "Israel"...
Check it out--
Jews are like Native Americans !
(the similarities don't end there... Native-Americans used ALL of the buffalo, and we killed Jesus)
Jacob????
Why in the world would the Jewish people name themselves and their homeland after this guy?
He was hardly the MVP (most valuable patriarch) in the Bible. He deceived his father (27:25), stole his brother's birthright (27:35), played favorites with his wives (29:30)-- Rachel over Leah-- and with his sons (37:4)-- Joseph, causing his other sons to nearly commit fratricide.
And he picked his nose (probably)!
Why is Jacob/Israel the namesake for my people? Was he such a great guy?
Maybe not-- but he had a great name, and a great dream!
Jacob dreamed he was "wrestling with God"-- in other words, he was having a crisis of faith.
That dream symbolizes all of theology/religion/agnosticism!
It's saying, "It's okay to wrestle with/question God... in fact-- until you question God, you can't believe in God."
The more you question your faith, the stronger it will ultimately be.
Ya gotta question authority... even the Almighty!
Abraham did it (with Sodom and Gomorrah), Moses did it (arguing many times with the Almighty), and so should YOU!
In the introduction to his play, "Doubt", a drama about turmoil in a 1960s NY Catholic church, John Patrick Shanley wrote that having doubt is brave because it's so difficult. Certainty is easy, blind faith is simple, but to have doubt takes guts and strength.
When it comes to anything worthwhile, something you want, ask yourself-- "Are you sure?"
It's important to wrestle with your beliefs, and it's okay to change them.
So think of Faith as a bikini model in a wading pool of chocolate pudding.
i.e., wrestle with it, hellz yeah!
Can I get an Amen!
So God renames him "Israel" (verse 28) --
which translates to mean... "Isra"-- struggle/wrestle; and "El"-- God.
This is a common practice with Hebrew names. "Gabri-el" = Strong Man of God; "Ari-el(le)" = Lion of God; "Dani-el" = Judge of God.
So Jacob is renamed "Israel"...
Check it out--
Jews are like Native Americans !
(the similarities don't end there... Native-Americans used ALL of the buffalo, and we killed Jesus)
Jacob????
Why in the world would the Jewish people name themselves and their homeland after this guy?
He was hardly the MVP (most valuable patriarch) in the Bible. He deceived his father (27:25), stole his brother's birthright (27:35), played favorites with his wives (29:30)-- Rachel over Leah-- and with his sons (37:4)-- Joseph, causing his other sons to nearly commit fratricide.
And he picked his nose (probably)!
Why is Jacob/Israel the namesake for my people? Was he such a great guy?
Maybe not-- but he had a great name, and a great dream!
Jacob dreamed he was "wrestling with God"-- in other words, he was having a crisis of faith.
That dream symbolizes all of theology/religion/agnosticism!
It's saying, "It's okay to wrestle with/question God... in fact-- until you question God, you can't believe in God."
The more you question your faith, the stronger it will ultimately be.
Ya gotta question authority... even the Almighty!
Abraham did it (with Sodom and Gomorrah), Moses did it (arguing many times with the Almighty), and so should YOU!
In the introduction to his play, "Doubt", a drama about turmoil in a 1960s NY Catholic church, John Patrick Shanley wrote that having doubt is brave because it's so difficult. Certainty is easy, blind faith is simple, but to have doubt takes guts and strength.
When it comes to anything worthwhile, something you want, ask yourself-- "Are you sure?"
It's important to wrestle with your beliefs, and it's okay to change them.
So think of Faith as a bikini model in a wading pool of chocolate pudding.
i.e., wrestle with it, hellz yeah!
Can I get an Amen!
Opening Credits
Screenwriting 101--
Inciting Incident
Every single movie ever made has an INCITING INCIDENT, a.k.a., the event that kicks the story into gear, gets things moving. The unfolding story is a result of the INCITING INCIDENT.
Think of some of your favorite movies, and the INCITING INCIDENT in each one.
"Toy Story" ?
"The Lord of the Rings" ?
Every porn ever made ?
(hint: the cable needed fixing... or someone ordered a pizza)
And then we have Genesis, chapter 37:
The story of Joseph and his fabulous D & G coat of many colors.
I become frustrated, arguing with the Bible--
"If only Jacob hadn't given little Joe that coat, his brothers wouldn't have gotten jealous and tossed him in a pit, sold him to the Ishmaelites, who took him to Egypt, yada yada yada, 400 years later-- BOOM-- we're slaves!"
The INCITING INCIDENT: That darn coat! (Disney movie?)
But y'see, that HAD to happen! Without that coat, there's no Exodus, no ten commandments, (no career career for Charlton Heston).
Besides, the bible would only be one book! As J.K. Rowling will tell you, that's no way to make a buck!
Sequels! Sequels! Sequels!
Besides, God told Abraham that his descendants would become "strangers in a strange land" and become slaves for 400 years" (Gen. 15:13); kind of a spoiler alert.
"If only Eve hadn't listened to that snake... we'd still be in the Garden of Eden."
But that's not a story!!!
If only Dorothy knew ahead of time about clicking her heels three times, she wouldn't have had to go through all that rigamarole with those three morons, and the witch and the great and powerful Oz...
Of course, then you have no movie... and that's the whole point of the film...
the Journey! Not the destination.
(Rigamarole?)
Inciting Incident
Every single movie ever made has an INCITING INCIDENT, a.k.a., the event that kicks the story into gear, gets things moving. The unfolding story is a result of the INCITING INCIDENT.
Think of some of your favorite movies, and the INCITING INCIDENT in each one.
"Toy Story" ?
"The Lord of the Rings" ?
Every porn ever made ?
(hint: the cable needed fixing... or someone ordered a pizza)
And then we have Genesis, chapter 37:
The story of Joseph and his fabulous D & G coat of many colors.
I become frustrated, arguing with the Bible--
"If only Jacob hadn't given little Joe that coat, his brothers wouldn't have gotten jealous and tossed him in a pit, sold him to the Ishmaelites, who took him to Egypt, yada yada yada, 400 years later-- BOOM-- we're slaves!"
The INCITING INCIDENT: That darn coat! (Disney movie?)
But y'see, that HAD to happen! Without that coat, there's no Exodus, no ten commandments, (no career career for Charlton Heston).
Besides, the bible would only be one book! As J.K. Rowling will tell you, that's no way to make a buck!
Sequels! Sequels! Sequels!
Besides, God told Abraham that his descendants would become "strangers in a strange land" and become slaves for 400 years" (Gen. 15:13); kind of a spoiler alert.
"If only Eve hadn't listened to that snake... we'd still be in the Garden of Eden."
But that's not a story!!!
If only Dorothy knew ahead of time about clicking her heels three times, she wouldn't have had to go through all that rigamarole with those three morons, and the witch and the great and powerful Oz...
Of course, then you have no movie... and that's the whole point of the film...
the Journey! Not the destination.
(Rigamarole?)
"Dad Always loved you best!"
"Now Israel [a.k.a., Jacob] loved Joseph more than all his children... and he made him a coat of many colors. And when his brothers saw that their father loved him more than all his brothers, they hated him..." (Gen. 37:3-4)
"A man should not single out one of his children for favored treatment,
for because of two extra coins' worth of silk, which Jacob gave to Joseph [in the form of his multi-colored coat] and not to his other sons, Joseph's brothers became jealous of him, and one thing led to another until our ancestors became slaves in Egypt."
-- Babylonian Talmud, Shabbat 10b
The obvious lesson of Genesis, 37: Don't play favorites with your kids (or at least don't make it obvious)
Sibling Rivalry!
Growing up, my brothers and I would go to our father and demand, "Who's favorite? Which son do you love the most?"
He'd smile, shake his head, and always say the same thing.
"Boys, if you cut off all my fingers, they'll all hurt the same amount."
Huh????
Thanks, Dad, for comparing fatherly love to the movie "Saw"...
My Dad, the Sweeney Todd of Father-Son chats.
Homer: "Hey! Apu just called. This Friday, Lisa's team is playing
Bart's team. You're in direct competition. And don't go easy on
each other just because you're brother and sister. I want to see
you both out there, fighting for your parents' love!
[flicks light on and off]
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!..."
-- Mike Scully, "The Simpsons", Season 6, episode 8
"A man should not single out one of his children for favored treatment,
for because of two extra coins' worth of silk, which Jacob gave to Joseph [in the form of his multi-colored coat] and not to his other sons, Joseph's brothers became jealous of him, and one thing led to another until our ancestors became slaves in Egypt."
-- Babylonian Talmud, Shabbat 10b
The obvious lesson of Genesis, 37: Don't play favorites with your kids (or at least don't make it obvious)
Sibling Rivalry!
Growing up, my brothers and I would go to our father and demand, "Who's favorite? Which son do you love the most?"
He'd smile, shake his head, and always say the same thing.
"Boys, if you cut off all my fingers, they'll all hurt the same amount."
Huh????
Thanks, Dad, for comparing fatherly love to the movie "Saw"...
My Dad, the Sweeney Todd of Father-Son chats.
Homer: "Hey! Apu just called. This Friday, Lisa's team is playing
Bart's team. You're in direct competition. And don't go easy on
each other just because you're brother and sister. I want to see
you both out there, fighting for your parents' love!
[flicks light on and off]
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!..."
-- Mike Scully, "The Simpsons", Season 6, episode 8
Monday, November 9
Oops!
Remember the previous post, about everyone making mistakes, even God. Well...
"So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him, male and female created he them."
-- Genesis 1:27
Okay, screwed up syntax aside, this is one helluva verse!
What Yoda is saying, basically, is that we are all special, we all have that Divine spark inside of us, so treat everybody with respect and kindness.
In other words... EVERYBODY POOPS! Everybody, no matter race, religion, Ben & Jerry's flavor preference... no matter what, we are all connected. Everybody has God inside of them.
And Everybody Poops.
And so does God.
What do you think the Flood was all about?
God was flushing away all the shitty people.
And Noah was that little blue circle-thingie clinging (or cleaving, if you will) to the rim, trying to make the bowl of the world smell better.
By the way, Heath Bar Crunch!
"So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him, male and female created he them."
-- Genesis 1:27
Okay, screwed up syntax aside, this is one helluva verse!
What Yoda is saying, basically, is that we are all special, we all have that Divine spark inside of us, so treat everybody with respect and kindness.
In other words... EVERYBODY POOPS! Everybody, no matter race, religion, Ben & Jerry's flavor preference... no matter what, we are all connected. Everybody has God inside of them.
And Everybody Poops.
And so does God.
What do you think the Flood was all about?
God was flushing away all the shitty people.
And Noah was that little blue circle-thingie clinging (or cleaving, if you will) to the rim, trying to make the bowl of the world smell better.
By the way, Heath Bar Crunch!
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