Posts
.
"
Barney Rubble: Santa?! My pebbles!
Fred Flinstone: YOUR pebbles???
Santa: 'Tis the season to be sharing, Fred.
"
-- 1980s Fruity Pebbles Cereal Commercial, aired during the holiday season
The first 6 chapters of Leviticus are all dedicated to sacrifices—and it’s pretty damn gross.
“… then he shall bring his offering of turtledoves or of young pigeons. And the priest shall bring it… and wring off its head and burn it…
And the skin of the bullock and all his flesh, with his head and with his legs and his innards and his dung… shall he carry forth…”
(Lev. 1:14-15, 4:11-12)
Yum!
How in the world can I apply THIS to my everyday life?
Love thy neighbor… and be sure to carry his dung for him?
But one verse stuck out—
“And every meat offering, mingled with oil, and dry, shall all the sons of Aaron have, one as much as another.”
(Lev. 7:10)
So simple, yet so crucial!
Come on, boys, share with each other.
Up till this point in the Bible we have seen what happens when one sibling gets favored over another—Esav was getting the birthright since he was older, so Jacob tricked their dad, Isaac, and stole it. Not that Jacob learned anything, because he gave his favorite son, Joseph, a coat of many colors (it was FABulous!). And remember way back, when Abraham kicked out his handmaid, Hagar, and their son Ishmael once Rachel gave birth to Isaac. And the Arabs descended from Ishmael, the Jews from Isaac, and everything worked out just fine between them…
Finally, God tells the Israelite priests—“ Hey, play nice.”
Sharing is caring!
My dad used to sing the following song to me as a child:
Let’s talk about Aaron
He’s good at sharin’
If he has two cupcakes
He’ll give you one
I don’t recall ever sharing my cupcakes, but now my dad is a diabetic, so I guess I must have at some point.
.
Friday, January 22
Thursday, January 21
Underdogs!
.
Preparing for this entry, I did extensive research into the depths of cyberspace (i.e., I typed "Famous Underdogs" into Google).
One message board question/answer went as follows:
Q:
"I always feel I am the underdog in everything, especially when it comes to auditioning for singing, etc.
Right now, I just need some inspiration, and I don't know many underdog success stories. Any little thing will help."
Here is the response:
A:
"Hitler was an underdog. Consider him your inspiration."
Zing!
Oh, internet…
David and Goliath
It’s one of the oldest analogies in the book
(and by “the book” I’m of course referring to Judy Blume’s “Superfudge”).
The little guy vs. the big guy.
Rocky vs. Apollo Creed
300 Spartans vs. the Persian army (Battle of Thermopylae)
Braveheart vs. … underpants
And a personal favorite:
“NEWSIES”
(written by Bob Tzudiker & Noni White)
That wonderful 1992 Disney musical-- where the poor, scrappy, adolescent newsboys from 1900 go on strike against the greedy newspaper tycoon Joseph Pulitzer!
One of the newsies’ leaders introduces himself to a local reporter:
DAVID: My name’s David.
DENTON: ‘David.’ ‘David’ as in ‘David and Goliath?’”
Wow. Brilliant. Subtle as a slingshot to the skull.
Which brings us to …
DAVID and GOLIATH!
The famous showdown, where little, youthful David bested the mighty, terrifying Goliath.
But the way the whole battle begins is interesting.
The Philistines are about to go to war against the Israelites (the people of King Saul), so Goliath proposed a really good idea!
“…Am not I a Philistine, and ye servants to Saul? Choose you a man for you, and let him come down to me. If he be able to fight with me, and to kill me, then will we be your servants: but if I prevail against him, and kill him, then shall ye be our servants, and serve us.
(1Samuel 17: 8-9)
Put all your eggs of war in one basket—instead of millions of soldiers killing each other, let one soldier from each army fight, and whichever man wins, that’s the country that wins.
Instead of playing 90 minutes of a soccer game, give one guy a penalty kick, if he scores, his team wins, game over.
Saves time.
I remembered this method of warfare when I saw the 2004 film “Troy” (with hunky Brad Pitt… he was in the film, I didn’t go WITH him… but a fella can dream!)—
CLASSIC DAVID and GOLIATH movie:
“Hoosiers”
The climax of the film is the State Championship, at the end of the movie (do they win? I'm simply not sure! Could this ragtag group of misfits from a small town in Indiana somehow, some way, defy the odds and pull out a stunning upset and WIN THE GAME ??? ... or was the previous hour and a half just a complete waste of time?)
Before the big game, in the locker room, the team's priest leads the boys in the following prayer--
Preacher Purl:
“And David put his hand in the bag and took out a stone and slung it. And it struck the Philistine on the head and he fell to the ground. Amen.”
Okay, wonderful! But not EXACTLY the whole verse—
From 1Samuel 17:49—
“And David put his hand in his bag, and took thence a stone, and slang it, and smote the Philistine in his forehead, that the stone sunk into his forehead; and he fell upon his face to the earth.”
You'll notice the middle chunk was missing ("the stone sunk into his forhead") because it is, as we theologians say… kinda icky.
"Sunk into his forehead"... Yeah, no let's go play some basketball!
This reminds me of another underdog tale—Moses and the Israelites vs. Pharaoh and the Egyptians.
(Spoiler alert-- The Israelites gained their freedom… hence—Matzah!)
After they cross the Red Sea, the Israelites sing a song to God, which was repeated beautifully in the 1998 animated film “Prince of Egypt.”
Cartoon Moses (voiced by Val Kilmer… first he was Batman and then Moses-- the two greatest heroes in Jewish history!) leads the people to freedom, as we hear the voice of a small child sing,
“A-shirah l’Adonai, kee ga’oh ga’ah…”
Translation: “I will sing unto the LORD, for he hath triumphed gloriously…” (Exodus 15:1)
Yay! Beautiful!
But that’s where it stopped! Why not finish the rest of the verse?
Because here it is—
“… the horse and his rider hath he thrown into the sea.”
Yikes! Kinda dark.
Plus—
“Pharaoh’s chariots and his host hath he cast into the sea… his chosen captains also are drowned... The depths have covered them: they sank into the bottom as a stone…. they sank as lead in the mighty waters.
(vv.4, 5, 10)
Great analogies! But ultimately, not a classy move. Gloating. The biblical equivalent of “In your face!”
Which is one reason why, during the yearly Passover meal (seder), Jews remove ten drops of wine from their cups—
to diminish their joy just a little bit.
Why?
Because, ultimately, we should not ENJOY the suffering and death of others, even those who oppress us.
Of course, Jesus took this one step further:
“But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you…”
(Matthew 5:43-44)
On behalf of everybody—
COME ON!!! Like THAT is gonna happen…
Let’s be realistic.
Let’s first try NOT laughing when our enemies suffer.
No matter how funny it may be.
“Everybody pulls for David, nobody roots for Goliath.”
-- Wilt Chamberlain
(Kinda sad, considering he was 7’1 and, in the NBA during the 1960s, that put him literally head and shoulders above his competitors... HE was Goliath)
And finally--
"When criminals in this world appear,
And break the laws that they should fear,
And frighten all who see or hear,
The cry goes up both far and near for
Underdog,
Underdog..."
-- W. Watts Biggers , Chet Stover, Joe Harris, Treadwell Covington
.
Preparing for this entry, I did extensive research into the depths of cyberspace (i.e., I typed "Famous Underdogs" into Google).
One message board question/answer went as follows:
Q:
"I always feel I am the underdog in everything, especially when it comes to auditioning for singing, etc.
Right now, I just need some inspiration, and I don't know many underdog success stories. Any little thing will help."
Here is the response:
A:
"Hitler was an underdog. Consider him your inspiration."
Zing!
Oh, internet…
David and Goliath
It’s one of the oldest analogies in the book
(and by “the book” I’m of course referring to Judy Blume’s “Superfudge”).
The little guy vs. the big guy.
Rocky vs. Apollo Creed
300 Spartans vs. the Persian army (Battle of Thermopylae)
Braveheart vs. … underpants
And a personal favorite:
“NEWSIES”
(written by Bob Tzudiker & Noni White)
That wonderful 1992 Disney musical-- where the poor, scrappy, adolescent newsboys from 1900 go on strike against the greedy newspaper tycoon Joseph Pulitzer!
One of the newsies’ leaders introduces himself to a local reporter:
DAVID: My name’s David.
DENTON: ‘David.’ ‘David’ as in ‘David and Goliath?’”
Wow. Brilliant. Subtle as a slingshot to the skull.
Which brings us to …
DAVID and GOLIATH!
The famous showdown, where little, youthful David bested the mighty, terrifying Goliath.
But the way the whole battle begins is interesting.
The Philistines are about to go to war against the Israelites (the people of King Saul), so Goliath proposed a really good idea!
“…Am not I a Philistine, and ye servants to Saul? Choose you a man for you, and let him come down to me. If he be able to fight with me, and to kill me, then will we be your servants: but if I prevail against him, and kill him, then shall ye be our servants, and serve us.
(1Samuel 17: 8-9)
Put all your eggs of war in one basket—instead of millions of soldiers killing each other, let one soldier from each army fight, and whichever man wins, that’s the country that wins.
Instead of playing 90 minutes of a soccer game, give one guy a penalty kick, if he scores, his team wins, game over.
Saves time.
I remembered this method of warfare when I saw the 2004 film “Troy” (with hunky Brad Pitt… he was in the film, I didn’t go WITH him… but a fella can dream!)—
CLASSIC DAVID and GOLIATH movie:
“Hoosiers”
The climax of the film is the State Championship, at the end of the movie (do they win? I'm simply not sure! Could this ragtag group of misfits from a small town in Indiana somehow, some way, defy the odds and pull out a stunning upset and WIN THE GAME ??? ... or was the previous hour and a half just a complete waste of time?)
Before the big game, in the locker room, the team's priest leads the boys in the following prayer--
Preacher Purl:
“And David put his hand in the bag and took out a stone and slung it. And it struck the Philistine on the head and he fell to the ground. Amen.”
Okay, wonderful! But not EXACTLY the whole verse—
From 1Samuel 17:49—
“And David put his hand in his bag, and took thence a stone, and slang it, and smote the Philistine in his forehead, that the stone sunk into his forehead; and he fell upon his face to the earth.”
You'll notice the middle chunk was missing ("the stone sunk into his forhead") because it is, as we theologians say… kinda icky.
"Sunk into his forehead"... Yeah, no let's go play some basketball!
This reminds me of another underdog tale—Moses and the Israelites vs. Pharaoh and the Egyptians.
(Spoiler alert-- The Israelites gained their freedom… hence—Matzah!)
After they cross the Red Sea, the Israelites sing a song to God, which was repeated beautifully in the 1998 animated film “Prince of Egypt.”
Cartoon Moses (voiced by Val Kilmer… first he was Batman and then Moses-- the two greatest heroes in Jewish history!) leads the people to freedom, as we hear the voice of a small child sing,
“A-shirah l’Adonai, kee ga’oh ga’ah…”
Translation: “I will sing unto the LORD, for he hath triumphed gloriously…” (Exodus 15:1)
Yay! Beautiful!
But that’s where it stopped! Why not finish the rest of the verse?
Because here it is—
“… the horse and his rider hath he thrown into the sea.”
Yikes! Kinda dark.
Plus—
“Pharaoh’s chariots and his host hath he cast into the sea… his chosen captains also are drowned... The depths have covered them: they sank into the bottom as a stone…. they sank as lead in the mighty waters.
(vv.4, 5, 10)
Great analogies! But ultimately, not a classy move. Gloating. The biblical equivalent of “In your face!”
Which is one reason why, during the yearly Passover meal (seder), Jews remove ten drops of wine from their cups—
to diminish their joy just a little bit.
Why?
Because, ultimately, we should not ENJOY the suffering and death of others, even those who oppress us.
Of course, Jesus took this one step further:
“But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you…”
(Matthew 5:43-44)
On behalf of everybody—
COME ON!!! Like THAT is gonna happen…
Let’s be realistic.
Let’s first try NOT laughing when our enemies suffer.
No matter how funny it may be.
“Everybody pulls for David, nobody roots for Goliath.”
-- Wilt Chamberlain
(Kinda sad, considering he was 7’1 and, in the NBA during the 1960s, that put him literally head and shoulders above his competitors... HE was Goliath)
And finally--
"When criminals in this world appear,
And break the laws that they should fear,
And frighten all who see or hear,
The cry goes up both far and near for
Underdog,
Underdog..."
-- W. Watts Biggers , Chet Stover, Joe Harris, Treadwell Covington
.
Tuesday, January 19
Breakfast, Incest, and Late Night Unrest!
.
"Even the flattest pancake has two sides."
-- my wife
(she says plenty of other things, too... but not about pancakes)
There is more than one way to look at any situation. SO many movies are about that very idea, different interpretations of the same event-- "Rashomon", "Courage Under Fire", "House Party 2" (well, maybe not).
Okay, first example: Lot's daughters!
First of all, you may remember Lot as Abraham's nephew, his wife had sodium problems (i.e., God turned her into a pile of salt, Gen. 19:26).
Well, prepare yourselves for some really weird stuff, right out of daytime soap opera!
(quick summary of Genesis, chapter 19).
You've probably heard of Sodom and Gomorrah, the two cities God destroyed because their inhabitants were so wicked.
Well, that occurred right after 2 angels (in human form) showed up in town and stayed with Lot and his family in Sodom. Then (v.5) the townsfolk knocked on Lot's door and, showing the kind of hospitality only seen in the film "Deliverance", demanded Lot surrender "the men" (angels) that were staying there, so they could...
wait for it...
rape them!
Yup, these folks wanted to rape a couple of angels
(really NOT cool... worse than kicking Jesus in the balls... if there is a sliding scale of theological /celestial "no-no"s).
Lot, being the swell father of the year that he was, offered the townsfolk his two virgin daughters instead (v.8)! Yikes. Not exactly Ward Cleaver, huh?
(... ask your parents).
So God got all "Samuel L. Jackson" on Sodom's ass:
"Then the LORD rained upon Sodom and upon Gomorrah brimstone and fire from the LORD out of heaven" (v.24)
But Lot and his two daughters (remember, his wife is gone, sprinkled on some roasted peanuts) escape--
"and he dwelt in a cave, he and his two daughters" (v.30).
Uh oh....
That's right folks, it's about to get even CREEPIER!
When old Lot is asleep, the two daughters start chatting:
"Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father..." (v. 32)
And guess what!
"... and the firstborn went in, and lay with her father; ... and the younger arose, and lay with him;... Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father." (v. 33-36)
Cue the theme to "Family Ties"...
Yeah, gives new meaning to shouting "Who's your daddy?!" (although that always kinda creeped me out)
But not so fast, Judgey McJudgington (it's a family name)!
Back track to verse 31, when the two daughters are chatting--
"And the firstborn said unto the younger, Our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to come in unto us after the manner of all the earth. Come let us make our father drink wine..."
The two daughters just saw fire and brimstone rain down from the sky, destroy their city, their mom just got turned into a condiment, and they thought "there is not a man in the earth..."-- it's end of the world! They were just trying to perpetuate mankind, to "preserve the seed of [their] father..."
honestly, Officer, I swear I've never seen those harnesses and ball gags before- it's the truth...
Just look at the story from both sides. Put yourself in Lot's daughters' positions... and then take a long shower.
"Even the flattest pancake has two sides"
I have been considering this Subjectivity (and pancakes) because of the recent and most significant event of this young decade:
Conan vs. Leno!
I know, I know, there is serious stuff going on in Haiti
(you can donate at this website: http://www.standwithhaiti.org/haiti )
... but that is depressing!!!
Let's focus on something else:
A couple nights ago, Jimmy Kimmel was a guest on Jay Leno's god-awful 10 PM talk show. When Leno asked “What’s the worst prank you ever pulled?” Kimmel said “I told a guy that ‘Five years from now I’m gonna give you my show,’ and then when the five years came I gave it to him, and then I took it back almost instantly.'”
Essentially, Conan O'brien was promised "The Tonight Show" starting in 2010. Leno retired last year. NBC wanted to have their pancake and eat it, too. So they gave Leno a 10 PM show and Conan got "The Tonight Show" starting this past August.
Unfortunately, both their ratings have sagged... more than... [insert joke about elderly people's naughty parts).
So... NBC is deciding what to do...
Now Leno says he would love to return as host of "The Tonight Show", if he had the opportunity.
The classy move would be -- stay retired, leave Conan alone.
From CNN.com (reporting by Alan Duke, 1/19/10) :
"O'Brien took over as host of "Late Night" in 1993, after David Letterman left to start a show on CBS. NBC, fearing they would lose O'Brien to another network, agreed in 2004 to name him as Leno's replacement five years down the road."
So now Leno sounds pretty awful! After Conan was promised TTS, Leno won't give it up. But wait!
Okay... Now THIS makes Leno sound more like a victim.
(also from CNN.com)
"Leno described that process to his audience Tuesday:
"I'm sitting in my office, an NBC executive comes in and says to me, 'Listen, Conan O'Brien has gotten offers from other networks. We don't want him to go, so we're going to give him 'The Tonight Show.' I said, 'Well, I've been No. 1 for 12 years.' They said, 'We know that, but we don't think you can sustain that.' I said, 'OK. How about until I fall to No. 2, then you fire me?' 'No, we made this decision.' I said, 'That's fine.'"
Hm.
So who should we feel sorry for?
Who's to blame?
NOTHING, I repeat, NOTHING in this world is BLACK and WHITE...
It's all shades of GRAY.
Now, one final breakfast quote, courtesy of the great Homer Simpson--
Homer: [in living room, looking towards heaven] Why do you mock me, O Lord?
Marge: Homer, that's not God. That's just a waffle that Bart tossed up
there.
[Marge scrapes it off into Homer's hands]
Homer: I know I shouldn't eat thee, but -- [bites] Mmm, sacrilicious.
("The Simpsons", Season 5, ep. 16, "Homer Loves Flanders", Written by David Richardson)
.
.
"Even the flattest pancake has two sides."
-- my wife
(she says plenty of other things, too... but not about pancakes)
There is more than one way to look at any situation. SO many movies are about that very idea, different interpretations of the same event-- "Rashomon", "Courage Under Fire", "House Party 2" (well, maybe not).
Okay, first example: Lot's daughters!
First of all, you may remember Lot as Abraham's nephew, his wife had sodium problems (i.e., God turned her into a pile of salt, Gen. 19:26).
Well, prepare yourselves for some really weird stuff, right out of daytime soap opera!
(quick summary of Genesis, chapter 19).
You've probably heard of Sodom and Gomorrah, the two cities God destroyed because their inhabitants were so wicked.
Well, that occurred right after 2 angels (in human form) showed up in town and stayed with Lot and his family in Sodom. Then (v.5) the townsfolk knocked on Lot's door and, showing the kind of hospitality only seen in the film "Deliverance", demanded Lot surrender "the men" (angels) that were staying there, so they could...
wait for it...
rape them!
Yup, these folks wanted to rape a couple of angels
(really NOT cool... worse than kicking Jesus in the balls... if there is a sliding scale of theological /celestial "no-no"s).
Lot, being the swell father of the year that he was, offered the townsfolk his two virgin daughters instead (v.8)! Yikes. Not exactly Ward Cleaver, huh?
(... ask your parents).
So God got all "Samuel L. Jackson" on Sodom's ass:
"Then the LORD rained upon Sodom and upon Gomorrah brimstone and fire from the LORD out of heaven" (v.24)
But Lot and his two daughters (remember, his wife is gone, sprinkled on some roasted peanuts) escape--
"and he dwelt in a cave, he and his two daughters" (v.30).
Uh oh....
That's right folks, it's about to get even CREEPIER!
When old Lot is asleep, the two daughters start chatting:
"Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father..." (v. 32)
And guess what!
"... and the firstborn went in, and lay with her father; ... and the younger arose, and lay with him;... Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father." (v. 33-36)
Cue the theme to "Family Ties"...
Yeah, gives new meaning to shouting "Who's your daddy?!" (although that always kinda creeped me out)
But not so fast, Judgey McJudgington (it's a family name)!
Back track to verse 31, when the two daughters are chatting--
"And the firstborn said unto the younger, Our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to come in unto us after the manner of all the earth. Come let us make our father drink wine..."
The two daughters just saw fire and brimstone rain down from the sky, destroy their city, their mom just got turned into a condiment, and they thought "there is not a man in the earth..."-- it's end of the world! They were just trying to perpetuate mankind, to "preserve the seed of [their] father..."
honestly, Officer, I swear I've never seen those harnesses and ball gags before- it's the truth...
Just look at the story from both sides. Put yourself in Lot's daughters' positions... and then take a long shower.
"Even the flattest pancake has two sides"
I have been considering this Subjectivity (and pancakes) because of the recent and most significant event of this young decade:
Conan vs. Leno!
I know, I know, there is serious stuff going on in Haiti
(you can donate at this website: http://www.standwithhaiti.org/haiti )
... but that is depressing!!!
Let's focus on something else:
A couple nights ago, Jimmy Kimmel was a guest on Jay Leno's god-awful 10 PM talk show. When Leno asked “What’s the worst prank you ever pulled?” Kimmel said “I told a guy that ‘Five years from now I’m gonna give you my show,’ and then when the five years came I gave it to him, and then I took it back almost instantly.'”
Essentially, Conan O'brien was promised "The Tonight Show" starting in 2010. Leno retired last year. NBC wanted to have their pancake and eat it, too. So they gave Leno a 10 PM show and Conan got "The Tonight Show" starting this past August.
Unfortunately, both their ratings have sagged... more than... [insert joke about elderly people's naughty parts).
So... NBC is deciding what to do...
Now Leno says he would love to return as host of "The Tonight Show", if he had the opportunity.
The classy move would be -- stay retired, leave Conan alone.
From CNN.com (reporting by Alan Duke, 1/19/10) :
"O'Brien took over as host of "Late Night" in 1993, after David Letterman left to start a show on CBS. NBC, fearing they would lose O'Brien to another network, agreed in 2004 to name him as Leno's replacement five years down the road."
So now Leno sounds pretty awful! After Conan was promised TTS, Leno won't give it up. But wait!
Okay... Now THIS makes Leno sound more like a victim.
(also from CNN.com)
"Leno described that process to his audience Tuesday:
"I'm sitting in my office, an NBC executive comes in and says to me, 'Listen, Conan O'Brien has gotten offers from other networks. We don't want him to go, so we're going to give him 'The Tonight Show.' I said, 'Well, I've been No. 1 for 12 years.' They said, 'We know that, but we don't think you can sustain that.' I said, 'OK. How about until I fall to No. 2, then you fire me?' 'No, we made this decision.' I said, 'That's fine.'"
Hm.
So who should we feel sorry for?
Who's to blame?
NOTHING, I repeat, NOTHING in this world is BLACK and WHITE...
It's all shades of GRAY.
Now, one final breakfast quote, courtesy of the great Homer Simpson--
Homer: [in living room, looking towards heaven] Why do you mock me, O Lord?
Marge: Homer, that's not God. That's just a waffle that Bart tossed up
there.
[Marge scrapes it off into Homer's hands]
Homer: I know I shouldn't eat thee, but -- [bites] Mmm, sacrilicious.
("The Simpsons", Season 5, ep. 16, "Homer Loves Flanders", Written by David Richardson)
.
.
Monday, January 18
Church and State
.
A few entries ago I mentioned the king from the Book of Esther.
He had some advisers who told him to kick out his wife, Vashti, for disobeying him.
And who, pray tell, were THESE geniuses?
“The king said to the wise men, which new the times, for so was the king’s manner towards all that knew the law...”
-- (Esther 1:13)
Some commentators think that these wise men who “knew the times” were actually…
wait for it…
astrologers!
Yup! The king takes his cues from the goobers who write horoscopes for Parade magazine!
That's ridiculous-- that the king of a nation would follow the advice of soothsaying sorcerers or hocus-pocus prognosticators!
Right?
Well, in sanity’s defense, many commentators believe that the wise men who *knew the times* actually “knew the law and justice as properly applied in that society at that time (though some theorize that it might also have included the practice of Astrology). 1 Chronicles 12:32 is similar (“men that had understanding of the times”) and does not seem to have any reference to Astrology.”
-- (David E. Pratte, gospelway.com, Feb. 21, 2006)
But still—
The bible is FULL of leaders (especially kings) following the advice of prophets. And why not? Many times it was the prophets who hand-picked the kings anyway, as God told them to. Let’s look at the very first king of Israel:
“Now the LORD had told Samuel in his ear a day before Saul came, saying, Tomorrow about this time I will send thee a man… and thou shalt anoint him to be captain over my people Israel… And when Samuel saw Saul, the LORD said unto him, Behold the man whom I spake to thee of!”
-- (I Samuel 9:15-16)
The books Kings I and II and Chronicles I and II are peppered with instances of prophets advising kings in political and military situations.
But before all that-- in the words of Ray Romano— “Deborah!”
The story of the prophetess, Deborah, in 4 short excerpts:
“And Deborah, a prophetess,…the wife of Lapidoth, she judged Israel at that time.”
“And she sent and called Barak… and said unto him, Hath not the LORD God of Israel commanded, saying, Go and draw toward mount Tabor, and take with thee ten thousand men…”
“And Barak said unto her, If thou wilt go with me, then I will go: but if thou wilt not go with me, then I will not go.”
“And Deborah said unto Barak, Up; for this is the day in which the LORD hath delivered Sisera into thine hand…So Barak went down from mount Tabor, and ten thousand men after him.”
-- (Judges 4:1, 6, 8, 14)
Unbelievable! The leader of the Israelite army did whatever Deborah told him!
Yup. Barak listened to a woman!
Now THAT is far-fetched…
Ha! Politics…
Maddening as the grammar may be, it kinda makes sense! If the people believe God is the (to use a Bush-ism) “the decider” to choose whomever God wants as the leader, then naturally a PROPHET should be the right-hand man of said leader!
However, in a democracy….
Well, is it any crazier than having a clergyman serve as a counsel to the President?
What about an evangelical minister speaking during his inauguration?
And over-enunciating the names "Malia" and "Sasha"
Don’t get me wrong, I like Pastor Rick Warren, but the fact that the President even HAS a religious figure give an “inaugural invocation” every 4 years is kind of messed up.
I’m not the first to say so, but what the hell happened to “Separation between Church and State?”
Helloooo?
Our money? “In God we trust?”
Our Pledge of Allegiance—“One nation, under pants,” or whatever…
I know you've probably heard all this before, but it's worth considering again.
Here are some honest opinions from John Oliver, Chief British correspondent to "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart", identifying political differences between England and America:
"When I first got here [U.S.A.], Tony Blair was in power in Britain, who's a devout Catholic. But he would never talk about that, and he would be careful never to be photographed going into a church or be recorded talking about his faith -- people would inherently find that suspicious.
Now Britain is definitely a more secular place than here...
(Here comes the crux of it all)
The idea that you HAVE to have a public faith in God or you are not fit for office is VERY difficult to get used to as someone from Europe."
(from interview on "Fresh Air with Terry Gross," broadcast 1/5/2010)
Every single speech the president (or even presidential nominee) makes MUST end with the words, “God bless you, and God bless the United States of America.”
I realize “God” is a vague term, but I don’t like the idea of our President asking God to bless our country.
“Mr. President, shouldn’t you balance the budget and re-assign our military troops.”
“Why bother? GOD is gonna BLESS America, remember? We’ll be fine, now bring me some Sun Chips!”
.
A few entries ago I mentioned the king from the Book of Esther.
He had some advisers who told him to kick out his wife, Vashti, for disobeying him.
And who, pray tell, were THESE geniuses?
“The king said to the wise men, which new the times, for so was the king’s manner towards all that knew the law...”
-- (Esther 1:13)
Some commentators think that these wise men who “knew the times” were actually…
wait for it…
astrologers!
Yup! The king takes his cues from the goobers who write horoscopes for Parade magazine!
That's ridiculous-- that the king of a nation would follow the advice of soothsaying sorcerers or hocus-pocus prognosticators!
Right?
Well, in sanity’s defense, many commentators believe that the wise men who *knew the times* actually “knew the law and justice as properly applied in that society at that time (though some theorize that it might also have included the practice of Astrology). 1 Chronicles 12:32 is similar (“men that had understanding of the times”) and does not seem to have any reference to Astrology.”
-- (David E. Pratte, gospelway.com, Feb. 21, 2006)
But still—
The bible is FULL of leaders (especially kings) following the advice of prophets. And why not? Many times it was the prophets who hand-picked the kings anyway, as God told them to. Let’s look at the very first king of Israel:
“Now the LORD had told Samuel in his ear a day before Saul came, saying, Tomorrow about this time I will send thee a man… and thou shalt anoint him to be captain over my people Israel… And when Samuel saw Saul, the LORD said unto him, Behold the man whom I spake to thee of!”
-- (I Samuel 9:15-16)
The books Kings I and II and Chronicles I and II are peppered with instances of prophets advising kings in political and military situations.
But before all that-- in the words of Ray Romano— “Deborah!”
The story of the prophetess, Deborah, in 4 short excerpts:
“And Deborah, a prophetess,…the wife of Lapidoth, she judged Israel at that time.”
“And she sent and called Barak… and said unto him, Hath not the LORD God of Israel commanded, saying, Go and draw toward mount Tabor, and take with thee ten thousand men…”
“And Barak said unto her, If thou wilt go with me, then I will go: but if thou wilt not go with me, then I will not go.”
“And Deborah said unto Barak, Up; for this is the day in which the LORD hath delivered Sisera into thine hand…So Barak went down from mount Tabor, and ten thousand men after him.”
-- (Judges 4:1, 6, 8, 14)
Unbelievable! The leader of the Israelite army did whatever Deborah told him!
Yup. Barak listened to a woman!
Now THAT is far-fetched…
Ha! Politics…
Maddening as the grammar may be, it kinda makes sense! If the people believe God is the (to use a Bush-ism) “the decider” to choose whomever God wants as the leader, then naturally a PROPHET should be the right-hand man of said leader!
However, in a democracy….
Well, is it any crazier than having a clergyman serve as a counsel to the President?
What about an evangelical minister speaking during his inauguration?
And over-enunciating the names "Malia" and "Sasha"
Don’t get me wrong, I like Pastor Rick Warren, but the fact that the President even HAS a religious figure give an “inaugural invocation” every 4 years is kind of messed up.
I’m not the first to say so, but what the hell happened to “Separation between Church and State?”
Helloooo?
Our money? “In God we trust?”
Our Pledge of Allegiance—“One nation, under pants,” or whatever…
I know you've probably heard all this before, but it's worth considering again.
Here are some honest opinions from John Oliver, Chief British correspondent to "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart", identifying political differences between England and America:
"When I first got here [U.S.A.], Tony Blair was in power in Britain, who's a devout Catholic. But he would never talk about that, and he would be careful never to be photographed going into a church or be recorded talking about his faith -- people would inherently find that suspicious.
Now Britain is definitely a more secular place than here...
(Here comes the crux of it all)
The idea that you HAVE to have a public faith in God or you are not fit for office is VERY difficult to get used to as someone from Europe."
(from interview on "Fresh Air with Terry Gross," broadcast 1/5/2010)
Every single speech the president (or even presidential nominee) makes MUST end with the words, “God bless you, and God bless the United States of America.”
I realize “God” is a vague term, but I don’t like the idea of our President asking God to bless our country.
“Mr. President, shouldn’t you balance the budget and re-assign our military troops.”
“Why bother? GOD is gonna BLESS America, remember? We’ll be fine, now bring me some Sun Chips!”
.
Sunday, January 17
"Come on, people now/ Smile on your brother..."
.
“And the Lord said unto Cain, Where is Abel thy brother? And he said, I know not; Am I my brother’s keeper?”
-- Gen. 4:9
“It is no exaggeration to claim that the rest of the Bible is a resoundingly affirmative response to Cain’s query.”
-- Rabbi Joseph Telushkin, “Jewish Wisdom,” p.45
I have been taught that God only asks questions in order to hear the answer. What I mean is, God KNOWS the answer to everything and simply wants to see if the person being asked will tell the truth.
Like a parent asking a child if they broke a vase.
Or when a cop asks you, “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
I was discussing this passage with my wife yesterday and she enthusiastically added, “It’s like Bruce Willis in ‘Pulp Fiction!’”
“Huh?” I responded.
“Y’know, when he’s tied up in the basement, along with Marcel Marceau--
“You mean Marcellus Wallace?”
”Righ, when the two of them are captured and Bruce Willis escapes, and is about to leave-- but goes back down to save him. He’s being his brother’s keeper.”
And I fell in love with her all over again.
Because my wife connected the book of Genesis with male rape. What a woman!
But that’s what it means to be your brother’s keeper— consider other people’s feelings, help them if they need it, use a samurai sword to save them from Zed's butt-plundering.
In 1994, Gene Siskel and Samuel L. Jackson discussed “Pulp Fiction”:
Siskel: I recently asked Samuel L. Jackson about the most common negative reactions to the ‘Pulp Fiction’…[Some people say] It has no moral center.
Jackson: The story is totally about redemption. Everyone in the script whose life is spared is given another chance to do something WITH their lives.”
So… God, Samuel L. Jackson and my wife—they all think alike.
And all three of them can scare the hell out of me.
.
“And the Lord said unto Cain, Where is Abel thy brother? And he said, I know not; Am I my brother’s keeper?”
-- Gen. 4:9
“It is no exaggeration to claim that the rest of the Bible is a resoundingly affirmative response to Cain’s query.”
-- Rabbi Joseph Telushkin, “Jewish Wisdom,” p.45
I have been taught that God only asks questions in order to hear the answer. What I mean is, God KNOWS the answer to everything and simply wants to see if the person being asked will tell the truth.
Like a parent asking a child if they broke a vase.
Or when a cop asks you, “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
I was discussing this passage with my wife yesterday and she enthusiastically added, “It’s like Bruce Willis in ‘Pulp Fiction!’”
“Huh?” I responded.
“Y’know, when he’s tied up in the basement, along with Marcel Marceau--
“You mean Marcellus Wallace?”
”Righ, when the two of them are captured and Bruce Willis escapes, and is about to leave-- but goes back down to save him. He’s being his brother’s keeper.”
And I fell in love with her all over again.
Because my wife connected the book of Genesis with male rape. What a woman!
But that’s what it means to be your brother’s keeper— consider other people’s feelings, help them if they need it, use a samurai sword to save them from Zed's butt-plundering.
In 1994, Gene Siskel and Samuel L. Jackson discussed “Pulp Fiction”:
Siskel: I recently asked Samuel L. Jackson about the most common negative reactions to the ‘Pulp Fiction’…[Some people say] It has no moral center.
Jackson: The story is totally about redemption. Everyone in the script whose life is spared is given another chance to do something WITH their lives.”
So… God, Samuel L. Jackson and my wife—they all think alike.
And all three of them can scare the hell out of me.
.
Wednesday, January 13
Hoosiers! Hoosiers! Hoosiers!
.
"... Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."
-- Joshua 1:9
I was just watching one of the greatest sports movies of all-time, "Hoosiers," starring Gene Hackman and Dennis Hopper (the writers and visitors of the website ESPN.com rank it #1 on their respective sports films lists).
It's your typical Cinderella Story, as we follow the tiny high school basketball team from the tiny town in Indiana, as they make their to the state championship.
Before the first game of the season, as the team gathers in the locker room, the town's priest says the following:
" 'Be strong and of good courage for the lord is with thee and whither soever thou goest.' Lord, bless these boys and the season before them. Amen."
Okay, we've all seen this before, either in a film or in real life-- praying for a sports team. I've been guilty of it, too. And I use the word "guilty" on purpose! I really believe that praying to win a sporting contest is, as the French say, horse shit!
Wasting God's time with a silly little game??? And YES, compared to real problems in the world (Disease, Starvation, War, etc.,), Sports... are... silly.
That being said-- dear God, strike down the New York Yankees with a plague of some kind! Boils! Rickets! Swimmer's ear! Whatever you got!
(ahem)
Now, wait a sec-- a few entries earlier I mentioned that people in mourning recite the Mourner's Kaddish to help them through the grieveing process. And especially if you're agnostic/atheist, you can agree that the prayer is for the benefit of the person reciting it, rather than the deity to whom it's directed. In THAT case... I understand the prayer in the locker room. If people think God is on their side, then it might help motivate them to succeed, play harder.
(Or maybe it would make them less competitive, it could turn them complacent-- "Oh, God will help us win it, relax, no need to play hard" ... Of course that is a danger with prayer of any sort-- "Why bother trying to find a cure for cancer? I already PRAYED for one! Let's go grab a beer! Also, some cookies!")
And doesn't that instill a messed up value system in people's minds? Especially impressionable kids, playing junior/high school sports?
So the kid is praying that his team wins the game and that his grandpa's hip gets better before the gangrene sets in... both are worthy of God's time and attention. Right?
"Athletes-- let me tell you, Jesus doesn't care who wins the game, so stop thanking him. I never hear anybody BLAME Jesus when they lose.
'F**kin' Jesus! I had the ball, right there... and I dropped it-- Oh that Jesus! The other team out-prayed us at half-time! That's what happened. You gotta pray harder than the other guy in this league!' "
-- Bill Maher, in his 2004 HBO stand-up special “Be More Cynical”
And before his son squares off against Ned Flanders' son in a one-on-one mini-golf contest, the great Homer Simpson says the following:
[Sees Ned and his family praying]
"Hey Flanders, it's no use praying. I already did the same thing, and
we can't *both* win."
-- Homer, ``Dead Putting Society''
Written by Jeff Martin (season 2, episode 6)
Of course Ned Flanders corrects Homer's assumptions, telling him that they were simply praying "that no one got hurt."
A-ha! I remember doing this myself, in 6th grade, before playing recess football... "Dear God, let everyone be safe and not injured." Yup. So I'm as cool as Ned Flanders! ... oh dear God, help me!
And finally, some words of wisdom from the great Jimmy Dugan (a.k.a., Tom Hanks):
"Uh, Lord, hallowed be Thy name. May our feet be swift; may our bats be mighty; may our balls... be plentiful.
And Lord... I'd just like to thank You for that waitress in South Bend. You know who she is - she kept calling Your name. And God... these are good girls, and they work hard. Just help them see it all the way through. Okay, that's it."
-- "A League of Their Own", screenplay by Lowell Ganz and Babaloo Mandel
.
"... Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."
-- Joshua 1:9
I was just watching one of the greatest sports movies of all-time, "Hoosiers," starring Gene Hackman and Dennis Hopper (the writers and visitors of the website ESPN.com rank it #1 on their respective sports films lists).
It's your typical Cinderella Story, as we follow the tiny high school basketball team from the tiny town in Indiana, as they make their to the state championship.
Before the first game of the season, as the team gathers in the locker room, the town's priest says the following:
" 'Be strong and of good courage for the lord is with thee and whither soever thou goest.' Lord, bless these boys and the season before them. Amen."
Okay, we've all seen this before, either in a film or in real life-- praying for a sports team. I've been guilty of it, too. And I use the word "guilty" on purpose! I really believe that praying to win a sporting contest is, as the French say, horse shit!
Wasting God's time with a silly little game??? And YES, compared to real problems in the world (Disease, Starvation, War, etc.,), Sports... are... silly.
That being said-- dear God, strike down the New York Yankees with a plague of some kind! Boils! Rickets! Swimmer's ear! Whatever you got!
(ahem)
Now, wait a sec-- a few entries earlier I mentioned that people in mourning recite the Mourner's Kaddish to help them through the grieveing process. And especially if you're agnostic/atheist, you can agree that the prayer is for the benefit of the person reciting it, rather than the deity to whom it's directed. In THAT case... I understand the prayer in the locker room. If people think God is on their side, then it might help motivate them to succeed, play harder.
(Or maybe it would make them less competitive, it could turn them complacent-- "Oh, God will help us win it, relax, no need to play hard" ... Of course that is a danger with prayer of any sort-- "Why bother trying to find a cure for cancer? I already PRAYED for one! Let's go grab a beer! Also, some cookies!")
And doesn't that instill a messed up value system in people's minds? Especially impressionable kids, playing junior/high school sports?
So the kid is praying that his team wins the game and that his grandpa's hip gets better before the gangrene sets in... both are worthy of God's time and attention. Right?
"Athletes-- let me tell you, Jesus doesn't care who wins the game, so stop thanking him. I never hear anybody BLAME Jesus when they lose.
'F**kin' Jesus! I had the ball, right there... and I dropped it-- Oh that Jesus! The other team out-prayed us at half-time! That's what happened. You gotta pray harder than the other guy in this league!' "
-- Bill Maher, in his 2004 HBO stand-up special “Be More Cynical”
And before his son squares off against Ned Flanders' son in a one-on-one mini-golf contest, the great Homer Simpson says the following:
[Sees Ned and his family praying]
"Hey Flanders, it's no use praying. I already did the same thing, and
we can't *both* win."
-- Homer, ``Dead Putting Society''
Written by Jeff Martin (season 2, episode 6)
Of course Ned Flanders corrects Homer's assumptions, telling him that they were simply praying "that no one got hurt."
A-ha! I remember doing this myself, in 6th grade, before playing recess football... "Dear God, let everyone be safe and not injured." Yup. So I'm as cool as Ned Flanders! ... oh dear God, help me!
And finally, some words of wisdom from the great Jimmy Dugan (a.k.a., Tom Hanks):
"Uh, Lord, hallowed be Thy name. May our feet be swift; may our bats be mighty; may our balls... be plentiful.
And Lord... I'd just like to thank You for that waitress in South Bend. You know who she is - she kept calling Your name. And God... these are good girls, and they work hard. Just help them see it all the way through. Okay, that's it."
-- "A League of Their Own", screenplay by Lowell Ganz and Babaloo Mandel
.
No more pencils, no more books...
.
The West Wing and Hebrew School
.
EDUCATION
“Teach… your children well”
-- The Grateful Dead
Teaching our kids—
A priority for us all, hopefully.
It’s certainly been a priority among Jews.
It turned into a stereotype—the Jew with the glasses, the bookworm, the smart kid. Doctor, lawyer, professions that require a lot of studying.
Why?
And since when?
How long have the Jews prioritized education?
Well, for a while.
Even before NBC ran their “The More You Know” campaign.
“Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God is one LORD…
“And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children”
(Deuteronomy 6:4,7)
“And ye shall teach them your children…”
(Deut. 11:19)
Teaching is key.
In the Hebrew version of verse 7, the word used for “teach them diligently” can be translated to mean “impress upon them.” A teacher taught me that children are like clay, and you shape their minds and ideas the way you give shape to a Play-doh.
Or, as Gilbert and Sullivan put it—“You’ve got to be taught to hate and fear” (from the musical “South Pacific”)
So, Jews teach their kids…
Now, the preceding verses appear in the Sh’mah prayer, which I mentioned in my last entry. This prayer is said every morning and evening by observant Jews and is known (at least partially) to most Jews who have ever attended synagogue once in a while or a little bit of Hebrew School.
Which brings me to my Celebrity Moment of Nakhas!
(Nakhas means pride)
May 26, 2009-- Kevin Pollack's Chat Show: a weekly internet talk show, where the host has a two hour conversation with an artist/Hollywood persona.
Kevin Pollack is best known for supporting roles in "The Usual Suspects" and "A Few Good Men," and for his marvelous impressions of Christopher Walken and William Shatner.
He is fond of saying, "I was raised so Reform that I was practically Catholic."
ha ha... (eye roll).
Unfortunately, this is the predominant attitude of most Jews in America-- They're Jewish in as much as they eat bagels and enjoy "Seinfeld" reruns.
That’s the way it is.
Then we hear from the guest-- Josh Malina, the well-articulated, nebishy actor from Aaron Sorkin's "Sports Night" and, more famously, "The West Wing," where his character, Will Bailey, eventually replaced Sam Seaborn (Rob Lowe) in the 4th season.
Although raised as a Conservative Jew, he attended an Orthodox yeshiva growing up,
Westchester Day School in Mamaroneck, New York.
(Cool Coincidence-- Josh's first major role was as an understudy in Sorkin's stage version of "A Few Good Men").
He makes me proud!
"My recollection, even back to first grade... is that Ethics was a big part of what I got at school. Ethics, living a moral life--
I knew on Friday mornings you had to bring a little bit of money for tzedakah, charity, you put a little money in the pushke-- the little box, and say, 'mitzvah g'dolah la-tet tzedakah'-- 'it's an important mitzvah, commandment, to give charity.'
At the age of six... and that always sat well with me."
Yay! Three cheers for Day School! I, myself went to a Jewish day school, then high school, then college at JTS-Columbia. So, from the age of 5 until 22, half my studies were Secular (Math, Science, English, etc.) and half were Jewish studies.
Or, as Josh Malina puts it:
"A lot of people have the 'God, I hated Hebrew School' thing.
(Kevin Pollack interjects: "Well, that is a whole other beast")
Well that's true... this was hard-core Hebrew School-- half day English, half day Hebrew, Torah and Jewish Studies.
I loved it."
Yay!
And he has two kids that he is raising in a Reconstructionist Jewish household.
And he's been on the TV box, where I watch my stories!
Hooray for Jews!
.
The West Wing and Hebrew School
.
EDUCATION
“Teach… your children well”
-- The Grateful Dead
Teaching our kids—
A priority for us all, hopefully.
It’s certainly been a priority among Jews.
It turned into a stereotype—the Jew with the glasses, the bookworm, the smart kid. Doctor, lawyer, professions that require a lot of studying.
Why?
And since when?
How long have the Jews prioritized education?
Well, for a while.
Even before NBC ran their “The More You Know” campaign.
“Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God is one LORD…
“And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children”
(Deuteronomy 6:4,7)
“And ye shall teach them your children…”
(Deut. 11:19)
Teaching is key.
In the Hebrew version of verse 7, the word used for “teach them diligently” can be translated to mean “impress upon them.” A teacher taught me that children are like clay, and you shape their minds and ideas the way you give shape to a Play-doh.
Or, as Gilbert and Sullivan put it—“You’ve got to be taught to hate and fear” (from the musical “South Pacific”)
So, Jews teach their kids…
Now, the preceding verses appear in the Sh’mah prayer, which I mentioned in my last entry. This prayer is said every morning and evening by observant Jews and is known (at least partially) to most Jews who have ever attended synagogue once in a while or a little bit of Hebrew School.
Which brings me to my Celebrity Moment of Nakhas!
(Nakhas means pride)
May 26, 2009-- Kevin Pollack's Chat Show: a weekly internet talk show, where the host has a two hour conversation with an artist/Hollywood persona.
Kevin Pollack is best known for supporting roles in "The Usual Suspects" and "A Few Good Men," and for his marvelous impressions of Christopher Walken and William Shatner.
He is fond of saying, "I was raised so Reform that I was practically Catholic."
ha ha... (eye roll).
Unfortunately, this is the predominant attitude of most Jews in America-- They're Jewish in as much as they eat bagels and enjoy "Seinfeld" reruns.
That’s the way it is.
Then we hear from the guest-- Josh Malina, the well-articulated, nebishy actor from Aaron Sorkin's "Sports Night" and, more famously, "The West Wing," where his character, Will Bailey, eventually replaced Sam Seaborn (Rob Lowe) in the 4th season.
Although raised as a Conservative Jew, he attended an Orthodox yeshiva growing up,
Westchester Day School in Mamaroneck, New York.
(Cool Coincidence-- Josh's first major role was as an understudy in Sorkin's stage version of "A Few Good Men").
He makes me proud!
"My recollection, even back to first grade... is that Ethics was a big part of what I got at school. Ethics, living a moral life--
I knew on Friday mornings you had to bring a little bit of money for tzedakah, charity, you put a little money in the pushke-- the little box, and say, 'mitzvah g'dolah la-tet tzedakah'-- 'it's an important mitzvah, commandment, to give charity.'
At the age of six... and that always sat well with me."
Yay! Three cheers for Day School! I, myself went to a Jewish day school, then high school, then college at JTS-Columbia. So, from the age of 5 until 22, half my studies were Secular (Math, Science, English, etc.) and half were Jewish studies.
Or, as Josh Malina puts it:
"A lot of people have the 'God, I hated Hebrew School' thing.
(Kevin Pollack interjects: "Well, that is a whole other beast")
Well that's true... this was hard-core Hebrew School-- half day English, half day Hebrew, Torah and Jewish Studies.
I loved it."
Yay!
And he has two kids that he is raising in a Reconstructionist Jewish household.
And he's been on the TV box, where I watch my stories!
Hooray for Jews!
.
Tuesday, January 12
The Religious Right... Hand Man
.
A few entries ago I mentioned the king in the Purim Story, from the Book of Esther.
He had some advisers who told him to kick out his wife, Vashti, for disobeying him.
And who, pray tell, are THESE geniuses?
“The king said to the wise men, which new the times, for so was the king’s manner towards all that knew the law...”
I am reading the King James Version Study Bible, published by Zondervan (edited by Ken Barker). This bible's commentators agree that these wise men “which new the times” refer to…
wait for it…
astrologers!
Yup! The king takes his cues from the goobers who write horoscopes for Parade magazine!
That's ridiculous-- that the king of a nation would follow the advice of soothsaying sorcerers or hocus-pocus prognosticators!
Right?
Well, is it any crazier than having a clergyman serve as a counsel to the President?
What about an evangelical minister speaking during his inauguration?
And over-enunciating the names "Malia" and "Sasha"
Don’t get me wrong, I like Pastor Rick Warren, but the fact that the President even HAS a religious figure give an “inaugural invocation” every 4 years is kind of messed up.
I’m not the first to say so, but what the hell happened to “Separation between Church and State?”
Helloooo?
Our money? “In God we trust?”
Our Pledge of Allegiance—“One nation, under pants,” or whatever…
Nothing new, but worth considering again.
Here are some honest opinions from John Oliver, Chief British correspondent to "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart", identifying political differences between England and America:
"When I first got here [U.S.A.], Tony Blair was in power in Britain, who's a devout Catholic. But he would never talk about that, and he would be careful never to be photographed going into a church or be recorded talking about his faith -- people would inherently find that suspicious.
Now Britain is definitely a more secular place than here...
(Here comes the crux of it all)
The idea that you HAVE to have a public faith in God or you are not fit for office is VERY difficult to get used to as someone from Europe."
(from interview on "Fresh Air with Terry Gross," broadcast 1/5/2010)
Every single speech the president (or even presidential nominee) makes MUST end with the words, “God bless you, and God bless the United States of America.”
I realize “God” is a vague term, but I don’t like the idea of our President asking God to bless our country.
“Mr. President, shouldn’t you balance the budget and re-assign our military troops.”
“Why bother? God is gonna BLESS America, remember? We’ll be fine, now get me another diet Coke! Jesus!”
.
A few entries ago I mentioned the king in the Purim Story, from the Book of Esther.
He had some advisers who told him to kick out his wife, Vashti, for disobeying him.
And who, pray tell, are THESE geniuses?
“The king said to the wise men, which new the times, for so was the king’s manner towards all that knew the law...”
I am reading the King James Version Study Bible, published by Zondervan (edited by Ken Barker). This bible's commentators agree that these wise men “which new the times” refer to…
wait for it…
astrologers!
Yup! The king takes his cues from the goobers who write horoscopes for Parade magazine!
That's ridiculous-- that the king of a nation would follow the advice of soothsaying sorcerers or hocus-pocus prognosticators!
Right?
Well, is it any crazier than having a clergyman serve as a counsel to the President?
What about an evangelical minister speaking during his inauguration?
And over-enunciating the names "Malia" and "Sasha"
Don’t get me wrong, I like Pastor Rick Warren, but the fact that the President even HAS a religious figure give an “inaugural invocation” every 4 years is kind of messed up.
I’m not the first to say so, but what the hell happened to “Separation between Church and State?”
Helloooo?
Our money? “In God we trust?”
Our Pledge of Allegiance—“One nation, under pants,” or whatever…
Nothing new, but worth considering again.
Here are some honest opinions from John Oliver, Chief British correspondent to "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart", identifying political differences between England and America:
"When I first got here [U.S.A.], Tony Blair was in power in Britain, who's a devout Catholic. But he would never talk about that, and he would be careful never to be photographed going into a church or be recorded talking about his faith -- people would inherently find that suspicious.
Now Britain is definitely a more secular place than here...
(Here comes the crux of it all)
The idea that you HAVE to have a public faith in God or you are not fit for office is VERY difficult to get used to as someone from Europe."
(from interview on "Fresh Air with Terry Gross," broadcast 1/5/2010)
Every single speech the president (or even presidential nominee) makes MUST end with the words, “God bless you, and God bless the United States of America.”
I realize “God” is a vague term, but I don’t like the idea of our President asking God to bless our country.
“Mr. President, shouldn’t you balance the budget and re-assign our military troops.”
“Why bother? God is gonna BLESS America, remember? We’ll be fine, now get me another diet Coke! Jesus!”
.
"Stand by your man"
I started reading the Book of Esther today. The titular lady (behave yourselves) proves to be the hero of the story. Hurray for women’s rights! Especially in Persia… which today is Iran!
However, the king marries Esther because his previous wife won’t listen to him.
“On the seventh day, when the heart of the king was merry with wine, he commanded… the seven chamberlains… to bring Vashti the queen… to show the people and the princes her beauty, for she was fair to look on” -- (Esther 1:10-11)
Nothing wrong with that—the Ancient Persian equivalent of “drunk dialing.”
But the plot thickens… like some oatmeal of matrimonial discontent!
— “But the queen Vashti refused to come at the king’s commandment by his chamberlains: therefore was the king very wroth, and his anger burned in him.” -- (Esther 1:12)
Okay, no big deal. So the king dumps Vashti and holds a beauty pageant and marries Esther.
Not so fast, Skimming Sammy!
The king’s advisers, especially one named Memucan, tell him that if word gets around how the king’s wife disobeyed him, “this deed of the queen shall come abroad unto all women, so that they shall despise their husbands… thus shall there arise too much contempt and wrath” -- (1:17-18)
Are you serious?!
We interrupt this Holy Babble Entry for a special news bulletin from anchorman Kent Brockman of “The Simpsons,” from the episode titled “Marge on the Lam”:
“We've just received word of a high-speed desert chase. The suspects have been identified as Ruth Powers and Marge Simpson of Springfield.
“At the risk of editorializing… these women are guilty, and must be dealt
with in a harsh and brutal fashion. Otherwise, their behavior could
incite other women leading to anarchy of biblical proportions. [Pause, then screaming] It's in ‘Revelations’, people!”
(Suddenly Brockman is cut off, and a still shot of Brockman with the
words, "Technical Difficulties, Please Stand By", appears on the screen)
(written by Bill Canterbury)
Thank you.
So is THAT what worried the king? Really? Were the women of 5th century Iran about to cast off the shackles of male oppression, rip off their aprons and go on strike? Have you seen Iran TODAY? I still don’t think that’s going to happen.
But the king listens to his advisor, Memucan, and sends letters to “every province… that every man should bear rule in his own house, and that it should be published according to the language of every people” (1:22). This was so crucial that the king didn’t take any chances—he had the letters translated into every language of every nation in his jurisdiction!
Phew! Thank goodness. That Vashti could’ve turned the empire upside-down! Apparently this was a few years before “No” meant “No.”
Movie Interlude:
Billy Crystal/psychiatrist: “You don't hear the word ‘no’ a lot, do you?”
Robert DeNiro/mob boss: “I hear it all the time, only it's more like (begging) ‘no, please, no!’"
-- “Analyze This” (written by Peter Tolan, Harold Ramis, Ken Lonergan)
The king’s advisers tell him what to do! And who, pray tell, are THESE geniuses?
“The king said to the wise men, which new the times, for so was the king’s manner towards all that knew the law...”
The commentators agree that these wise men “which new the times” refer to… wait for it… astrologers!
Yup! The king takes his cues from the goobers who write horoscopes for Parade magazine!
“Today you will take a risk, and dare to be different, but stay true to yourself… also, suppress independent thought amongst all females!”
We’ve all been there.
And to top it all off, the chief “wise man”, Memucan, translates into Hebrew to mean… wait for it… “blemish”! Or “boil”!
Zing!
So I think we’re SUPPOSED to ridicule these morons.
One thing I DO agree with—in the letter, the king says, “all wives shall give to their husbands honor, both to great and small.” (1:21)
Yes!
The king demands impartiality— no favoritism. Every husband deserves respect, whether he be a mighty king, or miserable peon—each man should be honored, no matter how small a man he is.
Size doesn’t matter.
It’s how you use it… to oppress women!
.
However, the king marries Esther because his previous wife won’t listen to him.
“On the seventh day, when the heart of the king was merry with wine, he commanded… the seven chamberlains… to bring Vashti the queen… to show the people and the princes her beauty, for she was fair to look on” -- (Esther 1:10-11)
Nothing wrong with that—the Ancient Persian equivalent of “drunk dialing.”
But the plot thickens… like some oatmeal of matrimonial discontent!
— “But the queen Vashti refused to come at the king’s commandment by his chamberlains: therefore was the king very wroth, and his anger burned in him.” -- (Esther 1:12)
Okay, no big deal. So the king dumps Vashti and holds a beauty pageant and marries Esther.
Not so fast, Skimming Sammy!
The king’s advisers, especially one named Memucan, tell him that if word gets around how the king’s wife disobeyed him, “this deed of the queen shall come abroad unto all women, so that they shall despise their husbands… thus shall there arise too much contempt and wrath” -- (1:17-18)
Are you serious?!
We interrupt this Holy Babble Entry for a special news bulletin from anchorman Kent Brockman of “The Simpsons,” from the episode titled “Marge on the Lam”:
“We've just received word of a high-speed desert chase. The suspects have been identified as Ruth Powers and Marge Simpson of Springfield.
“At the risk of editorializing… these women are guilty, and must be dealt
with in a harsh and brutal fashion. Otherwise, their behavior could
incite other women leading to anarchy of biblical proportions. [Pause, then screaming] It's in ‘Revelations’, people!”
(Suddenly Brockman is cut off, and a still shot of Brockman with the
words, "Technical Difficulties, Please Stand By", appears on the screen)
(written by Bill Canterbury)
Thank you.
So is THAT what worried the king? Really? Were the women of 5th century Iran about to cast off the shackles of male oppression, rip off their aprons and go on strike? Have you seen Iran TODAY? I still don’t think that’s going to happen.
But the king listens to his advisor, Memucan, and sends letters to “every province… that every man should bear rule in his own house, and that it should be published according to the language of every people” (1:22). This was so crucial that the king didn’t take any chances—he had the letters translated into every language of every nation in his jurisdiction!
Phew! Thank goodness. That Vashti could’ve turned the empire upside-down! Apparently this was a few years before “No” meant “No.”
Movie Interlude:
Billy Crystal/psychiatrist: “You don't hear the word ‘no’ a lot, do you?”
Robert DeNiro/mob boss: “I hear it all the time, only it's more like (begging) ‘no, please, no!’"
-- “Analyze This” (written by Peter Tolan, Harold Ramis, Ken Lonergan)
The king’s advisers tell him what to do! And who, pray tell, are THESE geniuses?
“The king said to the wise men, which new the times, for so was the king’s manner towards all that knew the law...”
The commentators agree that these wise men “which new the times” refer to… wait for it… astrologers!
Yup! The king takes his cues from the goobers who write horoscopes for Parade magazine!
“Today you will take a risk, and dare to be different, but stay true to yourself… also, suppress independent thought amongst all females!”
We’ve all been there.
And to top it all off, the chief “wise man”, Memucan, translates into Hebrew to mean… wait for it… “blemish”! Or “boil”!
Zing!
So I think we’re SUPPOSED to ridicule these morons.
One thing I DO agree with—in the letter, the king says, “all wives shall give to their husbands honor, both to great and small.” (1:21)
Yes!
The king demands impartiality— no favoritism. Every husband deserves respect, whether he be a mighty king, or miserable peon—each man should be honored, no matter how small a man he is.
Size doesn’t matter.
It’s how you use it… to oppress women!
.
Thursday, January 7
Avatar
.
I just saw the James Cameron 3D film, "Avatar."
It was, for sure, one of the top three most entertaining films featuring blue humanoids (also, "Aladdin" and "Watchmen").
The film was a little subtle, but I THINK it may have been an allegorical interpretation of the Native Americans' slaughter at the hands of the European settlers in the United States, with a little bit of "oil-drilling in the Mid East" thrown in, and a criticism of humans' for destroying their natural resources, e.g., the rainforests.
Naah, I'm probably just reading into it. This was just another run-of-the-mill blue cat/people vs. mean ol' army people movie.
"Titanic" was about a big boat. So this couldn't help but be a little more layered.
I saw the film with a dozen rabbinical students, including my wife.
They all LOVED it. Not surprising, since Judaism and the film both emphasize ecology and nature!
And rabbis love blue cat/people-related forms of entertainment. Clearly.
Remember the first crucial plants in the Garden of Eden? The trees of knowledge and good and evil (Gen. 2:17)
"When thou shalt besiege a city a long time, in making war against it to take it, thou shalt not destroy the trees thereof by forcing an axe against them: for thou mayest eat of them, and thou shalt not cut them down (for the tree of the field is man's life) to employ them in the siege."
-- (Deut. 20:19)
This just makes sense.
"The earth is the LORD's, and the fullness thereof; the world, and they that dwell therein."
-- (Psalm 24:1)
In "Avatar" the Na'vi, the blue, cat/people who are natives of the fictional planet "Pandora," value their planet, literally connect with the ground and plants.
At one point, female native to Pandora leads the film's protagonist to a place of prayer, the "tree of voices," where they bond with the tree.
The climactic battle of the film takes place at the Tree of Souls, the most sacred place to the Na'vi that has the power to restore life to sick creatures. If the tree is destroyed, the Na'vi would be pretty much wiped out-- losing their connection with the planet and their ancestors. They believe the flora and fauna of the planet communicate with them, that the plants lives just as much as they do.
Rabbi Avraham Kook, First Chief Rabbi of Israel (and a vegetarian) taught that "everything that grows says something, every stone whispers some secret, all creation sings."
-- Aryeh Levin, Lahai Roi, as cited in Joseph Telushkin's "Jewish Wisdom"
"She is a tree of life to them that lay hold upon her: and happy is every one that retaineth her."
--(Proverbs 3:18; and used to describe the Torah, recited at the end of Saturday morning Torah reading services in synagogues)
"Science is unable to keep up with our industrial society. We are destroying species faster than we can classify them. We are destroying the food chain faster than we can understand it.
-- Writer, director James Cameron, in UK newspaper "The Sun" (Dec. 11,2009)
I just saw the James Cameron 3D film, "Avatar."
It was, for sure, one of the top three most entertaining films featuring blue humanoids (also, "Aladdin" and "Watchmen").
The film was a little subtle, but I THINK it may have been an allegorical interpretation of the Native Americans' slaughter at the hands of the European settlers in the United States, with a little bit of "oil-drilling in the Mid East" thrown in, and a criticism of humans' for destroying their natural resources, e.g., the rainforests.
Naah, I'm probably just reading into it. This was just another run-of-the-mill blue cat/people vs. mean ol' army people movie.
"Titanic" was about a big boat. So this couldn't help but be a little more layered.
I saw the film with a dozen rabbinical students, including my wife.
They all LOVED it. Not surprising, since Judaism and the film both emphasize ecology and nature!
And rabbis love blue cat/people-related forms of entertainment. Clearly.
Remember the first crucial plants in the Garden of Eden? The trees of knowledge and good and evil (Gen. 2:17)
"When thou shalt besiege a city a long time, in making war against it to take it, thou shalt not destroy the trees thereof by forcing an axe against them: for thou mayest eat of them, and thou shalt not cut them down (for the tree of the field is man's life) to employ them in the siege."
-- (Deut. 20:19)
This just makes sense.
"The earth is the LORD's, and the fullness thereof; the world, and they that dwell therein."
-- (Psalm 24:1)
In "Avatar" the Na'vi, the blue, cat/people who are natives of the fictional planet "Pandora," value their planet, literally connect with the ground and plants.
At one point, female native to Pandora leads the film's protagonist to a place of prayer, the "tree of voices," where they bond with the tree.
The climactic battle of the film takes place at the Tree of Souls, the most sacred place to the Na'vi that has the power to restore life to sick creatures. If the tree is destroyed, the Na'vi would be pretty much wiped out-- losing their connection with the planet and their ancestors. They believe the flora and fauna of the planet communicate with them, that the plants lives just as much as they do.
Rabbi Avraham Kook, First Chief Rabbi of Israel (and a vegetarian) taught that "everything that grows says something, every stone whispers some secret, all creation sings."
-- Aryeh Levin, Lahai Roi, as cited in Joseph Telushkin's "Jewish Wisdom"
"She is a tree of life to them that lay hold upon her: and happy is every one that retaineth her."
--(Proverbs 3:18; and used to describe the Torah, recited at the end of Saturday morning Torah reading services in synagogues)
"Science is unable to keep up with our industrial society. We are destroying species faster than we can classify them. We are destroying the food chain faster than we can understand it.
-- Writer, director James Cameron, in UK newspaper "The Sun" (Dec. 11,2009)
Wednesday, January 6
"What if God was one of us..." -- Joan Osborne
.
“Religion… the people that get in-between, the bureaucracy!
First of all, you can’t talk directly to God-- That is bad.
You have to go to a priest... then he tells Jesus... and Mary got in there-- it’s like the DMV!”
-- Bill Maher
“And the Lord said unto Moses, Write thou these words… And he was there with the Lord forty days and forty night; he did neither eat bread nor drink water. And he wrote upon the tables the words of the covenant, the ten commandments.”
-- Exodus 34:27
BAM!
EVEN if you believe that the events of the Bible actually happened…
The text clearly states that Moses wrote it down.
And I love Moses! I’m a big fan of Moses, especially of his early stuff (“Let my people go” of course, his big hit)
But as great as Moses was… he was human. And humans make mistakes. Heck, Moses did! When he hit the rock, instead of talking to it… like any sane person would do! (Numbers 20:11)
So Moses had his issues— he killed a guy in Egypt, he talked funny, his brother and sister were jealous of him.
(Ex.2:12, 4:10, Num. 12:1-2)
Moses was the first ever editor of the Bible!!!
And chances are… he made a mistake.
First of all, some people believe Moses “wrote upon the tables” the entire Torah (Old Testament), and others believe he wrote down just “the ten commandments.” Either way, he could’ve made a mistake!
Now, chances are if you think every single word of the bible actually happened, then you probably also think Moses didn’t make any mistakes in jotting it down— same goes for the ten commandments.
However, when reading this story, we must consider the following:
Moses (if he existed at all) was human. God (if God existed at all) was not!
How can we expect a person and non-person to use the same language?
For God’s sake, I get misunderstood when I talk to my Israeli friends, because I think they’re saying they own a pet dog and a pet diaper!
(In Hebrew, cat is “kha-tool”, diaper is “khee-tool” … important to know if you want to ask, “Can I play with your cat?”).
Language barrier!
But the Bible is nothing, if not contradictory:
“God is not a man, that he should lie; Neither the son of man, that he should repent…”
(Numbers 24:19)
And we put God in terms we can understand:
The Ten Plagues:
“And I will stretch out my hand and smite Egypt with all my wonders”
-- (Ex. 3:20)
Parting the Red Sea:
"The Lord is a man of war" (Exodus 15:3).
"And with the blast of thy nostrils the waters were gathered together"
-- (Ex.15:8) (Wow, God sounds like Rick Moranis in "Honey, I Shrunk The Kids")
How about in just ONE verse:
“And the Lord said, I have surely SEEN the affliction of my people which are in Egypt, and have HEARD their cry by reason of their taskmasters; for I KNOW their sorrows.”
(Ex.3:7)
(with my capitalizations)
Heck, what about the phrase “And God spoke…” ?
How can God “speak”?? How can something without a mouth speak? Think about it!
Was it like The Voice in “Field of Dreams”?
Did God tell Noah, “If you build it… your sorry ass won’t drown in the Flood.”
“God doesn’t write books. He can make a sunset, why would He want to? …We make God into this semi-human.
You know, He’s a single parent who writes books, and gets pissed. He has a son?! He has a son?! What is this— Bonanza?
I know that you can’t KNOW God. Our imagination… is so limited. Everything that is not exactly like us, we make *almost* like us.
It’s the same with God. We make Him so much like us.
… The irony there, in the Bible, they’re telling you in the very first story that you CAN’T know Him. What’s the big sin they do right away? They eat from the Tree of Knowledge. Get it—KNOWLEDGE? Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain, that’s what He’s saying.
You understand God as well as your dogs understand you.
That’s why we love to be pet owners because we are God to them. We leave and they’re sad, we come back and the sun has risen again! The life giver has somehow returned to dispense justice and mercy… you are kicked out of the Bedroom of Eden for shitting”
-- Bill Maher, in his 2004 HBO stand-up special “Be More Cynical”
“Religion… the people that get in-between, the bureaucracy!
First of all, you can’t talk directly to God-- That is bad.
You have to go to a priest... then he tells Jesus... and Mary got in there-- it’s like the DMV!”
-- Bill Maher
“And the Lord said unto Moses, Write thou these words… And he was there with the Lord forty days and forty night; he did neither eat bread nor drink water. And he wrote upon the tables the words of the covenant, the ten commandments.”
-- Exodus 34:27
BAM!
EVEN if you believe that the events of the Bible actually happened…
The text clearly states that Moses wrote it down.
And I love Moses! I’m a big fan of Moses, especially of his early stuff (“Let my people go” of course, his big hit)
But as great as Moses was… he was human. And humans make mistakes. Heck, Moses did! When he hit the rock, instead of talking to it… like any sane person would do! (Numbers 20:11)
So Moses had his issues— he killed a guy in Egypt, he talked funny, his brother and sister were jealous of him.
(Ex.2:12, 4:10, Num. 12:1-2)
Moses was the first ever editor of the Bible!!!
And chances are… he made a mistake.
First of all, some people believe Moses “wrote upon the tables” the entire Torah (Old Testament), and others believe he wrote down just “the ten commandments.” Either way, he could’ve made a mistake!
Now, chances are if you think every single word of the bible actually happened, then you probably also think Moses didn’t make any mistakes in jotting it down— same goes for the ten commandments.
However, when reading this story, we must consider the following:
Moses (if he existed at all) was human. God (if God existed at all) was not!
How can we expect a person and non-person to use the same language?
For God’s sake, I get misunderstood when I talk to my Israeli friends, because I think they’re saying they own a pet dog and a pet diaper!
(In Hebrew, cat is “kha-tool”, diaper is “khee-tool” … important to know if you want to ask, “Can I play with your cat?”).
Language barrier!
But the Bible is nothing, if not contradictory:
“God is not a man, that he should lie; Neither the son of man, that he should repent…”
(Numbers 24:19)
And we put God in terms we can understand:
The Ten Plagues:
“And I will stretch out my hand and smite Egypt with all my wonders”
-- (Ex. 3:20)
Parting the Red Sea:
"The Lord is a man of war" (Exodus 15:3).
"And with the blast of thy nostrils the waters were gathered together"
-- (Ex.15:8) (Wow, God sounds like Rick Moranis in "Honey, I Shrunk The Kids")
How about in just ONE verse:
“And the Lord said, I have surely SEEN the affliction of my people which are in Egypt, and have HEARD their cry by reason of their taskmasters; for I KNOW their sorrows.”
(Ex.3:7)
(with my capitalizations)
Heck, what about the phrase “And God spoke…” ?
How can God “speak”?? How can something without a mouth speak? Think about it!
Was it like The Voice in “Field of Dreams”?
Did God tell Noah, “If you build it… your sorry ass won’t drown in the Flood.”
“God doesn’t write books. He can make a sunset, why would He want to? …We make God into this semi-human.
You know, He’s a single parent who writes books, and gets pissed. He has a son?! He has a son?! What is this— Bonanza?
I know that you can’t KNOW God. Our imagination… is so limited. Everything that is not exactly like us, we make *almost* like us.
It’s the same with God. We make Him so much like us.
… The irony there, in the Bible, they’re telling you in the very first story that you CAN’T know Him. What’s the big sin they do right away? They eat from the Tree of Knowledge. Get it—KNOWLEDGE? Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain, that’s what He’s saying.
You understand God as well as your dogs understand you.
That’s why we love to be pet owners because we are God to them. We leave and they’re sad, we come back and the sun has risen again! The life giver has somehow returned to dispense justice and mercy… you are kicked out of the Bedroom of Eden for shitting”
-- Bill Maher, in his 2004 HBO stand-up special “Be More Cynical”
Monday, January 4
Hillary Clinton, eat your heart out
.
In the Exodus story...
Right before the 9th plague (Darkness), Moses tells Pharaoh yet again, "Let my people go!"
And he adds:
"Our cattle also shall go with us, there shall not a hoof be left behind..."
-- (Exodus 10:26)
Yes! There's nothing to add! It's perfect!
Just like Viva Fox had to take her golden retriever with her in "Independence Day", and the titular character in "Pee Wee's Big Adventure", who famously ran back into a burning pet store to save handfuls of snakes.
NO HOOF LEFT BEHIND!
The 8th commandment from Orwell's "Animal Farm."
Four legs good
Two legs bad
Three legs... means a dog you laugh at, then feel sorry for and you hate yourself.
.
In the Exodus story...
Right before the 9th plague (Darkness), Moses tells Pharaoh yet again, "Let my people go!"
And he adds:
"Our cattle also shall go with us, there shall not a hoof be left behind..."
-- (Exodus 10:26)
Yes! There's nothing to add! It's perfect!
Just like Viva Fox had to take her golden retriever with her in "Independence Day", and the titular character in "Pee Wee's Big Adventure", who famously ran back into a burning pet store to save handfuls of snakes.
NO HOOF LEFT BEHIND!
The 8th commandment from Orwell's "Animal Farm."
Four legs good
Two legs bad
Three legs... means a dog you laugh at, then feel sorry for and you hate yourself.
.
Sunday, January 3
"Exsqueeze me? Baking Powder?" -- Wayne Campbell
.
No verse captures the beauty and utter insanity of organized religion like Exodus 13:3.
In the bitter cold of winter, it helps to remember the sunny days of Springtime holidays and all their nuttiness:
Jesus came back to life— Easter eggs!
The Israelite slaves left Egypt— eat some crackers!
Religion!
In the middle of the actual Exodus— after fleeing Pharaoh in Egypt (2 verses earlier) and before crossing the Red Sea (14 verses later)— Moses talks to the Israelites a little.
Exodus 13:3, read all the way through --
"And Moses said unto the people, Remember this day, in which ye came out from Egypt, out of the house of bondage, for by the strength of hand the Lord brought you out from this place: there shall no leavened bread be eaten."
While reading this verse, I’m guessing your thought process was a bit like mine:
"Okay… right… makes sense… sure... Say what???
Remember the day.
Fine.
Because you left Egypt.
Yes.
A House of Bondage.
Sounds kinky... but okay.
With a strong hand the Lord brought you out of slavery.
Sure.
Don't eat any leavened bread.
What the hell?!
How about
2 + 2 = …. an ice cream sandwich!
How does THAT last sentence fragment relate AT ALL to the rest of the verse?
As I put on my commentator hat (which, of course, has beer cans attached on either side), I could say--
Well, in today's society, it's pretty difficult to LITERALLY feel like we were slaves in Egypt (as Jews are supposed to during the holiday of Passover) and now we are free— most of us have been free our whole lives, we simply do not possess a lot of true empathy for slaves.
What we CAN do is suffer a little bit, for a week, and at least gastronomically experience the journey out of Egypt, by only eating unleavened bread, i.e., matzah!
Now, if I take OFF my commentator hat (glug glug)...
that verse sounds friggin' retarded!!!
And I don't mean that in the offensive way. Um... I mean it... in the French way! In French "retard" means "late" (Hence the phrase “tardy”). I am guessing that the "unleavened bread" stuff was added LATER, when the writer wanted to specifically encourage observance of the Passover holiday among its readers.
Footnote:
When I studied French in high school, my teacher would chastise me for being late to class. She would do this by saying,
“Tu est en retard,”
what I thought translated to mean, "Aaron, you are a retard."
This seemed uncalled for, insulting… very French.
Ironic— if I were smarter and knew French, my teacher wouldn't call me a "retard"... which she wasn't doing anyway... which I would've known HAD I actually studied French.
Another Footnote:
My brother also studied French in high school and he was fond of answering the question "So, you're taking French?" by saying, "Well, I'm not TAKING it, they GAVE it to me... and they're forcing me."
Ha! Trés bien.
His French teacher also called him a "retard."
.
No verse captures the beauty and utter insanity of organized religion like Exodus 13:3.
In the bitter cold of winter, it helps to remember the sunny days of Springtime holidays and all their nuttiness:
Jesus came back to life— Easter eggs!
The Israelite slaves left Egypt— eat some crackers!
Religion!
In the middle of the actual Exodus— after fleeing Pharaoh in Egypt (2 verses earlier) and before crossing the Red Sea (14 verses later)— Moses talks to the Israelites a little.
Exodus 13:3, read all the way through --
"And Moses said unto the people, Remember this day, in which ye came out from Egypt, out of the house of bondage, for by the strength of hand the Lord brought you out from this place: there shall no leavened bread be eaten."
While reading this verse, I’m guessing your thought process was a bit like mine:
"Okay… right… makes sense… sure... Say what???
Remember the day.
Fine.
Because you left Egypt.
Yes.
A House of Bondage.
Sounds kinky... but okay.
With a strong hand the Lord brought you out of slavery.
Sure.
Don't eat any leavened bread.
What the hell?!
How about
2 + 2 = …. an ice cream sandwich!
How does THAT last sentence fragment relate AT ALL to the rest of the verse?
As I put on my commentator hat (which, of course, has beer cans attached on either side), I could say--
Well, in today's society, it's pretty difficult to LITERALLY feel like we were slaves in Egypt (as Jews are supposed to during the holiday of Passover) and now we are free— most of us have been free our whole lives, we simply do not possess a lot of true empathy for slaves.
What we CAN do is suffer a little bit, for a week, and at least gastronomically experience the journey out of Egypt, by only eating unleavened bread, i.e., matzah!
Now, if I take OFF my commentator hat (glug glug)...
that verse sounds friggin' retarded!!!
And I don't mean that in the offensive way. Um... I mean it... in the French way! In French "retard" means "late" (Hence the phrase “tardy”). I am guessing that the "unleavened bread" stuff was added LATER, when the writer wanted to specifically encourage observance of the Passover holiday among its readers.
Footnote:
When I studied French in high school, my teacher would chastise me for being late to class. She would do this by saying,
“Tu est en retard,”
what I thought translated to mean, "Aaron, you are a retard."
This seemed uncalled for, insulting… very French.
Ironic— if I were smarter and knew French, my teacher wouldn't call me a "retard"... which she wasn't doing anyway... which I would've known HAD I actually studied French.
Another Footnote:
My brother also studied French in high school and he was fond of answering the question "So, you're taking French?" by saying, "Well, I'm not TAKING it, they GAVE it to me... and they're forcing me."
Ha! Trés bien.
His French teacher also called him a "retard."
.
Saturday, January 2
Turkish Delight
.
"... I have been a stranger in a strange land"
-- Exodus 2:22
I went to Turkey a couple weeks ago, spending the majority of Hanukkah (The Jewish Festival of Lights)in Istanbul.
I learned some Turkish phrases--
First of all, the phrase for
"thank you very much"
sounds a lot like
"where is the toilet?"
They are, respectively--
tush-a-core neradeem
and
too-va-let nereday
Now YOU are Turkısh, too!
I often confused and combined them. So I left many-a restaurant, waiving and smiling, thanking the waiters by shouting, "Where is the toilet?!"
Or sometimes, if I REALLY enjoyed the food, I'd say, "Toilet very much."
Everyone in Turkey thought I was a very grateful man with bladder control issues... and a learning disability.
Which is not far from the truth.
And EVERYONE there sells rugs... no really. EVERYONE!
One salesman spoke to the wife and me for a while. He had this wisdom to impart--
"Hope is breakfast for poor people. We must have hope, we must have try... if not... then you never climb the tree."
(Amen, you said it, brother)
"Carpet is beauty... Why? Because person is beauty. No more Picasso-- forget Picasso, human person is beauty, heart is beauty. If you see in heart-- all colors. İf you see with eyes-- is black and white.**
I think it is pretty obvious how philosophical this trip has been for me.
Besides that... its just like America!
Of course, I told everyone I was Canadian, and they were nice to me.
I went to a Turkish bath... boy, Turkish men sure are friendly.... REALLY friendly...
I was too tense to enjoy it. Visions of "Shawshank Redemption" haunted me the whole time.
And we saw the whirling dervishes... Lame! Four guys, each wearing a fez hat and a robe, spinning around! For forty-five minutes!
AND we weren't allowed to use flash photography or clap because it was actually a religious ceremony.
Ha!
Ridiculous!
What a stupid religion... now if you will excuse me I must light some candles and eat potato pancakes and spin a droodle.... to remember... oil... or something.
“Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.”
-- Dave Barry
.
"... I have been a stranger in a strange land"
-- Exodus 2:22
I went to Turkey a couple weeks ago, spending the majority of Hanukkah (The Jewish Festival of Lights)in Istanbul.
I learned some Turkish phrases--
First of all, the phrase for
"thank you very much"
sounds a lot like
"where is the toilet?"
They are, respectively--
tush-a-core neradeem
and
too-va-let nereday
Now YOU are Turkısh, too!
I often confused and combined them. So I left many-a restaurant, waiving and smiling, thanking the waiters by shouting, "Where is the toilet?!"
Or sometimes, if I REALLY enjoyed the food, I'd say, "Toilet very much."
Everyone in Turkey thought I was a very grateful man with bladder control issues... and a learning disability.
Which is not far from the truth.
And EVERYONE there sells rugs... no really. EVERYONE!
One salesman spoke to the wife and me for a while. He had this wisdom to impart--
"Hope is breakfast for poor people. We must have hope, we must have try... if not... then you never climb the tree."
(Amen, you said it, brother)
"Carpet is beauty... Why? Because person is beauty. No more Picasso-- forget Picasso, human person is beauty, heart is beauty. If you see in heart-- all colors. İf you see with eyes-- is black and white.**
I think it is pretty obvious how philosophical this trip has been for me.
Besides that... its just like America!
Of course, I told everyone I was Canadian, and they were nice to me.
I went to a Turkish bath... boy, Turkish men sure are friendly.... REALLY friendly...
I was too tense to enjoy it. Visions of "Shawshank Redemption" haunted me the whole time.
And we saw the whirling dervishes... Lame! Four guys, each wearing a fez hat and a robe, spinning around! For forty-five minutes!
AND we weren't allowed to use flash photography or clap because it was actually a religious ceremony.
Ha!
Ridiculous!
What a stupid religion... now if you will excuse me I must light some candles and eat potato pancakes and spin a droodle.... to remember... oil... or something.
“Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.”
-- Dave Barry
.
Happy New Year!
.
“…have a sabbath, a memorial of blowing of trumpets, a holy convocation.
Ye shall do no servile work therein: but ye shall offer an offering made by fire unto the Lord.”
-- Leviticus 23:24-25
That is how the New Year celebration is first mentioned in the Bible.
Jews still celebrate it like that.
But like so many Jewish holidays that have Christian counterparts in the same season (Christmas/Hanukkah; Easter/Passover), the Jewish version… is a lot less fun!
But on the upside—it’s more guilt-ridden, too!
Hurray!
Even today, in synagogues, the “blowing of trumpets” is represented by a ram’s horn, or “shofar,” that the Jews blow like… a trumpet! It’s serves as a “wake-up call” soon before the Day of Atonement, Yom Kippur, when God judges everybody--
“… there shall be a day of atonement, it shall be a holy convocation unto you; and ye shall afflict your souls” (Lev. 23:27).
On Rosh Hashana (Jewish New Year), Jews wish each other well by saying, “May you be inscribed in the Book of Life.”
But on Yom Kippur they say, “May you be sealed in the Book of Life.”
“On Rosh HaShana it is inscribed. And on the Day of Atonement it is sealed.”
What is sealed?
Your fate!
In the month leading up to the special days, Jews recite a prayer called “S'lichot” (In Hebrew, “s'lichah” means “sorry”), that begins with the above line—
In it, we say what is sealed—
“How many will pass away and how many will be born. Who will live and who will die.”
Wait— it gets better!
”Who will reach the end of his days and who will not.
Who by fire and who by water.
Who by sword and who by beast.
Who by hunger and who by thirst.
Who by earthquake and who by plague.
Who by strangling and who by stoning…”
Geez!
Happy New Year!
Forget about watching the ball drop in Times Square! You might have to outrun a beast or an earthquake or a strangling… person.
This is a bummer!
Basically, God is said to decide…
“Who will be tranquil and who will be tormented…
Who will be lowered, and who will be exalted.”
The week and a half between the two holidays is known as the “Ten Days of Penitence,” when God is scrutinizing our behavior very closely, and people are supposed to make amends for any sinning they did during the previous year.
God supposedly has the Book of Life, in which God jots down all of our good deeds and all of our sins.
Sound like anyone you know?
"He knows when you are sleeping,
He knows when you’re awake,
He knows if you’ve been bad or good…”
Imagine if Santa Claus and God switched!
If you were naughty, instead of a lump of coal… Santa might strangle you and give you the plague!
Now sleep tight, Timmy!
Nestled in bed, visions of sugar plums being mauled to death by a beast or drowned... in your head.
With the sound of the shofar (trumpet),the Jewish New Year is the announcement of a Final Exam — of your soul!!!!
Also, we eat apples and honey!
For a “sweet” New Year!
That is SO Jewish! Intense religious pressure and guilt
… and some food!
Ironic—the Jewish and the American New Years are almost exactly opposite from one another.
The former, we begin atoning, reforming and acting like better people;
the latter we get so drunk and wasted… we do stuff that we will have to atone for.
“New Year’s Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.”
-- Jay Leno
.
“…have a sabbath, a memorial of blowing of trumpets, a holy convocation.
Ye shall do no servile work therein: but ye shall offer an offering made by fire unto the Lord.”
-- Leviticus 23:24-25
That is how the New Year celebration is first mentioned in the Bible.
Jews still celebrate it like that.
But like so many Jewish holidays that have Christian counterparts in the same season (Christmas/Hanukkah; Easter/Passover), the Jewish version… is a lot less fun!
But on the upside—it’s more guilt-ridden, too!
Hurray!
Even today, in synagogues, the “blowing of trumpets” is represented by a ram’s horn, or “shofar,” that the Jews blow like… a trumpet! It’s serves as a “wake-up call” soon before the Day of Atonement, Yom Kippur, when God judges everybody--
“… there shall be a day of atonement, it shall be a holy convocation unto you; and ye shall afflict your souls” (Lev. 23:27).
On Rosh Hashana (Jewish New Year), Jews wish each other well by saying, “May you be inscribed in the Book of Life.”
But on Yom Kippur they say, “May you be sealed in the Book of Life.”
“On Rosh HaShana it is inscribed. And on the Day of Atonement it is sealed.”
What is sealed?
Your fate!
In the month leading up to the special days, Jews recite a prayer called “S'lichot” (In Hebrew, “s'lichah” means “sorry”), that begins with the above line—
In it, we say what is sealed—
“How many will pass away and how many will be born. Who will live and who will die.”
Wait— it gets better!
”Who will reach the end of his days and who will not.
Who by fire and who by water.
Who by sword and who by beast.
Who by hunger and who by thirst.
Who by earthquake and who by plague.
Who by strangling and who by stoning…”
Geez!
Happy New Year!
Forget about watching the ball drop in Times Square! You might have to outrun a beast or an earthquake or a strangling… person.
This is a bummer!
Basically, God is said to decide…
“Who will be tranquil and who will be tormented…
Who will be lowered, and who will be exalted.”
The week and a half between the two holidays is known as the “Ten Days of Penitence,” when God is scrutinizing our behavior very closely, and people are supposed to make amends for any sinning they did during the previous year.
God supposedly has the Book of Life, in which God jots down all of our good deeds and all of our sins.
Sound like anyone you know?
"He knows when you are sleeping,
He knows when you’re awake,
He knows if you’ve been bad or good…”
Imagine if Santa Claus and God switched!
If you were naughty, instead of a lump of coal… Santa might strangle you and give you the plague!
Now sleep tight, Timmy!
Nestled in bed, visions of sugar plums being mauled to death by a beast or drowned... in your head.
With the sound of the shofar (trumpet),the Jewish New Year is the announcement of a Final Exam — of your soul!!!!
Also, we eat apples and honey!
For a “sweet” New Year!
That is SO Jewish! Intense religious pressure and guilt
… and some food!
Ironic—the Jewish and the American New Years are almost exactly opposite from one another.
The former, we begin atoning, reforming and acting like better people;
the latter we get so drunk and wasted… we do stuff that we will have to atone for.
“New Year’s Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.”
-- Jay Leno
.
Thursday, December 31
"Gimme Some Money!" -- Spinal Tap
.
Why is it-- I am an American citizen, living in Israel for a year, and when I travel to Istanbul and Cairo, I say, "Ugh, damn foreigners!"
"... I have been a stranger in a strange land"
-- Exodus 2:22
Last night I returned from a 3 day trip to Egypt with my wife and in-laws.
Feel free to make a plethora of "slavery" jokes.
It was a learning experience.
First of all, I learned that Egyptians are awful.
And so are Israelis
And Turks.
People, in general, are just a pain in the ass.
Especially when they want your money.
I have been to open-air markets (or shuks, rhymes with “looks”) in all three countries… and all three varieties are godawful!
All these shuks are peopled with strange, smelly, hairy men shouting at potential buyers (i.e., anyone who makes eye contact with them), calling you “my friend,” and generally being pains in my ass.
It feels like the shuk is a seedy dance club, and I am a hot, drunk chick. Every guy thinks he has a shot with me and, in my mind, they're all just scuzzy potential sex offendors.
But God bless the shuk!
THAT is the only thing that keeps peace in the world-- financial interdependence!
I think I first heard Bill Maher say it. THAT will create peace within the global community--
"Oh, I hate you so much! I'd kill you... but I'd rather have your steady commission. So you may live... Just keep buying the stuff my country produces."
"There was never a good war or a bad peace."
--Benjamin Franklin
"Greed, for lack of a better word, is good."
-- Gordon Gekko, "Wall Street" (written by Oliver Stone)
"It doesn't matter if you're black or white. The only color that really matters is green."
-- Peter Griffin, "Family Guy" (season 3, episode 14)
.
Why is it-- I am an American citizen, living in Israel for a year, and when I travel to Istanbul and Cairo, I say, "Ugh, damn foreigners!"
"... I have been a stranger in a strange land"
-- Exodus 2:22
Last night I returned from a 3 day trip to Egypt with my wife and in-laws.
Feel free to make a plethora of "slavery" jokes.
It was a learning experience.
First of all, I learned that Egyptians are awful.
And so are Israelis
And Turks.
People, in general, are just a pain in the ass.
Especially when they want your money.
I have been to open-air markets (or shuks, rhymes with “looks”) in all three countries… and all three varieties are godawful!
All these shuks are peopled with strange, smelly, hairy men shouting at potential buyers (i.e., anyone who makes eye contact with them), calling you “my friend,” and generally being pains in my ass.
It feels like the shuk is a seedy dance club, and I am a hot, drunk chick. Every guy thinks he has a shot with me and, in my mind, they're all just scuzzy potential sex offendors.
But God bless the shuk!
THAT is the only thing that keeps peace in the world-- financial interdependence!
I think I first heard Bill Maher say it. THAT will create peace within the global community--
"Oh, I hate you so much! I'd kill you... but I'd rather have your steady commission. So you may live... Just keep buying the stuff my country produces."
"There was never a good war or a bad peace."
--Benjamin Franklin
"Greed, for lack of a better word, is good."
-- Gordon Gekko, "Wall Street" (written by Oliver Stone)
"It doesn't matter if you're black or white. The only color that really matters is green."
-- Peter Griffin, "Family Guy" (season 3, episode 14)
.
Wednesday, December 30
Wet Blanket
.
A few days ago I returned from a two day trip to Egypt.
We traveled through the Sinai peninsula.
It took my ancestors 40 years, I made it back in 48 hours.
It was cool to see the pyraminds. As a Jew, I felt like I had been there before... and was not properly paid for services rendered.
Our tour guide-- Hussein (I kid you not)-- explained that slaves could NOT have built the pyramids, since it was a "great honor" to help in their construction, and only "very special" people were allowed to help.
Ahem.
Yes, and the Native Americans eagerly gave their land to the White Man... because they , because they like Him so much.
It reminded me of an episode of "Family Guy", when Stewie and Brian tour through Germany:
Brian: Yeah, about your pamphlet. Uh, I'm not seeing anything about German history between 1939 and 1945. There's just a big gap.
German Tour Guide: Everyone was on vacation! On your left is...
Brian: Wait, wait. What are you talking about? Germany invaded Poland in 1939 and...
German Tour Guide: We were invited! Punch was served! Check with Poland!
("Road to Europe" season 3, episode 20, Dan Palladino)
As we crossed the border from Egypt back into Israel, I breathed a sigh of relief. I felt like I came home... after playing in the backyard of a creepy neighbor.... who enslaved my ancestors 3000 years ago.
I expected any moment for an Egyptian guard to shout, "Wait, come back! You still owe us one more pyramid!"
But as we left Egypt, an amazing thing happened--
a stray dog came over to us. We pet him.
We fed him some cheese.
He didn't bark or anything!
And now... SEGUE!
Remember the Exodus?
(Of course you do! When Charlton Heston saved the Hebrews from those damned dirty apes)
Well, right before the tenth and final plague, God tells Moses about the cool miracles and CGI effects that will take place, how the Egyptians will suffer, etc., including...
“But against any of the children of Israel shall not a dog move his tongue...”
-- Exodus 11:7
Wow. Forget the river of blood, the death of the first born, and the parting of the sea!
Some Egyptian doggies kept their yappers shut?! What a miracle!
Whenever reading anything in the Bible, I ask myself what any good commentator asks:
"Who gives a shit?"
In other words— What's the point? WHY is this verse in the Bible? WHAT can it teach us?
Zelig Pliskin (in his great book, "Growth through Torah") says that this passage teaches us a simple lesson-- don't ruin somebody's good time.
Don't do anything to decrease the joy of another person's happy experience.
Hence... women faking orgasms.
Woah! THAT was uncalled for.
When my wife was 13 had her Bat-Mitzvah ceremony (Yikes! Gear change!), immediately following the event a former teacher approached her and proceeded to critique her performance, explaining how she messed up some Hebrew words.
Woah! Uncool!
Whenever someone said, "What a beautiful day outside," I used to have a habit of answering, "Yeah... it makes you wish there was no genocide in the world."
ha ha. I sure was hilarious.
But I don't do that anymore... because it's stupid... and nobody likes a downer.
The Israelites were leaving slavery, would it really have made a difference if a measly dog barked at them? Well, it still would have been decreasing from their joy a teensy-weensy bit. If someone buys a new cell phone, don't say, "Cool... it'll give you cancer, though."
At somebody's birthday party, don't shout "One year closer to death!"
"Don't tell me not to live, just sit and putter
Life's candy and the sun's a ball of butter
Don't bring around a cloud to rain on my parade"
-- Barbara Streisand... Isn't she fabulous?!
"Be a Tigger, Don't be an Eeyore"
-- Randy Pausch (Carnegie Mellon prof., "Last Lecture")
Don’t be a wet blanket!
If someone is having a good time, don’t ruin it!
.
A few days ago I returned from a two day trip to Egypt.
We traveled through the Sinai peninsula.
It took my ancestors 40 years, I made it back in 48 hours.
It was cool to see the pyraminds. As a Jew, I felt like I had been there before... and was not properly paid for services rendered.
Our tour guide-- Hussein (I kid you not)-- explained that slaves could NOT have built the pyramids, since it was a "great honor" to help in their construction, and only "very special" people were allowed to help.
Ahem.
Yes, and the Native Americans eagerly gave their land to the White Man... because they , because they like Him so much.
It reminded me of an episode of "Family Guy", when Stewie and Brian tour through Germany:
Brian: Yeah, about your pamphlet. Uh, I'm not seeing anything about German history between 1939 and 1945. There's just a big gap.
German Tour Guide: Everyone was on vacation! On your left is...
Brian: Wait, wait. What are you talking about? Germany invaded Poland in 1939 and...
German Tour Guide: We were invited! Punch was served! Check with Poland!
("Road to Europe" season 3, episode 20, Dan Palladino)
As we crossed the border from Egypt back into Israel, I breathed a sigh of relief. I felt like I came home... after playing in the backyard of a creepy neighbor.... who enslaved my ancestors 3000 years ago.
I expected any moment for an Egyptian guard to shout, "Wait, come back! You still owe us one more pyramid!"
But as we left Egypt, an amazing thing happened--
a stray dog came over to us. We pet him.
We fed him some cheese.
He didn't bark or anything!
And now... SEGUE!
Remember the Exodus?
(Of course you do! When Charlton Heston saved the Hebrews from those damned dirty apes)
Well, right before the tenth and final plague, God tells Moses about the cool miracles and CGI effects that will take place, how the Egyptians will suffer, etc., including...
“But against any of the children of Israel shall not a dog move his tongue...”
-- Exodus 11:7
Wow. Forget the river of blood, the death of the first born, and the parting of the sea!
Some Egyptian doggies kept their yappers shut?! What a miracle!
Whenever reading anything in the Bible, I ask myself what any good commentator asks:
"Who gives a shit?"
In other words— What's the point? WHY is this verse in the Bible? WHAT can it teach us?
Zelig Pliskin (in his great book, "Growth through Torah") says that this passage teaches us a simple lesson-- don't ruin somebody's good time.
Don't do anything to decrease the joy of another person's happy experience.
Hence... women faking orgasms.
Woah! THAT was uncalled for.
When my wife was 13 had her Bat-Mitzvah ceremony (Yikes! Gear change!), immediately following the event a former teacher approached her and proceeded to critique her performance, explaining how she messed up some Hebrew words.
Woah! Uncool!
Whenever someone said, "What a beautiful day outside," I used to have a habit of answering, "Yeah... it makes you wish there was no genocide in the world."
ha ha. I sure was hilarious.
But I don't do that anymore... because it's stupid... and nobody likes a downer.
The Israelites were leaving slavery, would it really have made a difference if a measly dog barked at them? Well, it still would have been decreasing from their joy a teensy-weensy bit. If someone buys a new cell phone, don't say, "Cool... it'll give you cancer, though."
At somebody's birthday party, don't shout "One year closer to death!"
"Don't tell me not to live, just sit and putter
Life's candy and the sun's a ball of butter
Don't bring around a cloud to rain on my parade"
-- Barbara Streisand... Isn't she fabulous?!
"Be a Tigger, Don't be an Eeyore"
-- Randy Pausch (Carnegie Mellon prof., "Last Lecture")
Don’t be a wet blanket!
If someone is having a good time, don’t ruin it!
.
Thursday, December 24
"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems." -- Homer (season 8, ep. 18)
.
To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems.-- Homer (season 8, ep. 18)
Deuteronomy 1:1--
"These be the words which Moses spake unto all Israel..."
Yaaarrrr, these be the words!
Avast, ye scurvy Israelites-- thar be Moses, over yonder!
(Sigh)
When you translate Hebrew into English, especially fancy-pants Shakespearean English... you get Pirate-esque phrases.
But wait!
I can work with this!
Take a look at this dialogue from "Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl" (the good one):
Jack Sparrow: Stop! Not good! What are you doing? You burned all the food, the shade... the rum!
Elizabeth: Yes, the rum is gone.
Jack Sparrow: Why is the rum gone?
Elizabeth:... Because it is a *vile* drink that turns even the most respectable men into complete scoundrels...
(written by Ted Elliot, Terry Rossio)
Alcohol is bad!!!!
At least according to Elizabeth from the "Pirates" movie...
and the Bible!
"And Noah... planted a vineyard... And he drank of the wine, and he was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent." (Genesis 9:20-21)
"And Lot... dwelt in a cave, he and his two daughters... And the firstborn said to the younger... 'Come, let us make our father drink wine and we will lie with him'... Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father."
(Genesis 19:30-32,36)
"And the Lord spake unto Aaron, saying, 'Do not drink wine nor strong drink... when ye go into the tabernacle of the congregation, lest ye die.'" (Leviticus 10:8-9)
"Nabal... was churlish and evil in his doings... folly [was] with him... he held a feast in his house... and Nabal's heart was merry within him, for he was very drunken... the Lord smote Nabal, that he died... the Lord hath returned the wickedness of Nabal upon his own head."
(I Samuel 25:3,25,36,38,39)
"...Elah, the son of Baasha [began] to reign over Israel in Tirzah. And his servant, Zimri, captain of half his chariots, conspired against him, as he was in Tirzah, drinking himself drunk..."
(I Kings 16:9)
"And they went out at noon. But Ben-Hadad was drinking himself drunk..."
(I Kings 20:16)
In all fairness, there was more to each of the above incidents than mere alcohol-consumption. But excessive boozing is clearly frowned upon in the Bible.
Why?
Well, wine plays such a major role in Judeo-Christian religious ceremonies-- Jews drink wine every Friday night and many Christians believe sacramental wine is Jesus' blood.
Jews do not believe this... However, we DO believe that beer is the urine of Moses.
And vodka is Isaac’s saliva.
And that a pina colada is Abraham’s… anyway, we’ve gotten off topic…
Which brings me to an important rule, in general:
Moderation in all things!
It's good advice.
Booze, Work, Sex, Television-- a moderate amount of all these things is wonderful! Too much can lead to misery... and chlamydia!
During my junior year of college, I got black-out drunk. Saturday night at 2 AM… until Sunday night, 8 PM—gone. I woke up covered in my own sick. Thankfully, I don’t remember any of it (see my entry from November 11th). And I’ve never gotten that drunk again. Lesson learned.
But, in the spirit of fairness, I'll leave you with the wisdom of Mayor Quimby, regarding alcohol:
"It tastes great, makes women appear more attractive, and makes a person virtually invulnerable to criticism."
(“The Simpsons,” season 8, episode 18, "Homer vs. the 18th Amendment")
.
To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems.-- Homer (season 8, ep. 18)
Deuteronomy 1:1--
"These be the words which Moses spake unto all Israel..."
Yaaarrrr, these be the words!
Avast, ye scurvy Israelites-- thar be Moses, over yonder!
(Sigh)
When you translate Hebrew into English, especially fancy-pants Shakespearean English... you get Pirate-esque phrases.
But wait!
I can work with this!
Take a look at this dialogue from "Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl" (the good one):
Jack Sparrow: Stop! Not good! What are you doing? You burned all the food, the shade... the rum!
Elizabeth: Yes, the rum is gone.
Jack Sparrow: Why is the rum gone?
Elizabeth:... Because it is a *vile* drink that turns even the most respectable men into complete scoundrels...
(written by Ted Elliot, Terry Rossio)
Alcohol is bad!!!!
At least according to Elizabeth from the "Pirates" movie...
and the Bible!
"And Noah... planted a vineyard... And he drank of the wine, and he was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent." (Genesis 9:20-21)
"And Lot... dwelt in a cave, he and his two daughters... And the firstborn said to the younger... 'Come, let us make our father drink wine and we will lie with him'... Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father."
(Genesis 19:30-32,36)
"And the Lord spake unto Aaron, saying, 'Do not drink wine nor strong drink... when ye go into the tabernacle of the congregation, lest ye die.'" (Leviticus 10:8-9)
"Nabal... was churlish and evil in his doings... folly [was] with him... he held a feast in his house... and Nabal's heart was merry within him, for he was very drunken... the Lord smote Nabal, that he died... the Lord hath returned the wickedness of Nabal upon his own head."
(I Samuel 25:3,25,36,38,39)
"...Elah, the son of Baasha [began] to reign over Israel in Tirzah. And his servant, Zimri, captain of half his chariots, conspired against him, as he was in Tirzah, drinking himself drunk..."
(I Kings 16:9)
"And they went out at noon. But Ben-Hadad was drinking himself drunk..."
(I Kings 20:16)
In all fairness, there was more to each of the above incidents than mere alcohol-consumption. But excessive boozing is clearly frowned upon in the Bible.
Why?
Well, wine plays such a major role in Judeo-Christian religious ceremonies-- Jews drink wine every Friday night and many Christians believe sacramental wine is Jesus' blood.
Jews do not believe this... However, we DO believe that beer is the urine of Moses.
And vodka is Isaac’s saliva.
And that a pina colada is Abraham’s… anyway, we’ve gotten off topic…
Which brings me to an important rule, in general:
Moderation in all things!
It's good advice.
Booze, Work, Sex, Television-- a moderate amount of all these things is wonderful! Too much can lead to misery... and chlamydia!
During my junior year of college, I got black-out drunk. Saturday night at 2 AM… until Sunday night, 8 PM—gone. I woke up covered in my own sick. Thankfully, I don’t remember any of it (see my entry from November 11th). And I’ve never gotten that drunk again. Lesson learned.
But, in the spirit of fairness, I'll leave you with the wisdom of Mayor Quimby, regarding alcohol:
"It tastes great, makes women appear more attractive, and makes a person virtually invulnerable to criticism."
(“The Simpsons,” season 8, episode 18, "Homer vs. the 18th Amendment")
.
Men's Priorities
.
Throughout the book of Deuteronomy, God explains (through Moses) the rules and laws the Israelites are supposed to follow.
Chapter 20 deals with military service.
Who is temporarily exempt from military duty? (besides Klinger)
Check out verse 5:
"What man is there that hath built a new house, and hath not dedicated it? Let him go and return to his house, lest he die in the battle and another man dedicate it."
Verse 6, The same formula-- but for wine:
"What man... planted a vineyard, and hath not yet eaten of it? ... let him also go... lest he die in the battle, and another man eat of it."
And, naturally, verse 7:
"What man is... betrothed to a wife and hath not taken her?... Let him go... lest he die in the battle, and another man take her."
BAM!
Here we see the three priorities in a man's life: Shelter, Booze, and Dames!
It's a natural progression: a place to sleep, something to eat/drink, and someone to share it with-- to eat, drink and be "merry"... unless she has a headache.
That sure would stink-- you go to all the trouble of building a house, or planting crops, or wooing a lady... and you die before you can enjoy any of it! Some OTHER guy is in YOUR bed, drinking YOUR wine, and being "merry" all over YOUR woman!
Now THAT'S getting the fuzzy end of the lollipop!
Unfair!
And God knew this.
Hence-- this very sensible rule.
How refreshing.
.
Throughout the book of Deuteronomy, God explains (through Moses) the rules and laws the Israelites are supposed to follow.
Chapter 20 deals with military service.
Who is temporarily exempt from military duty? (besides Klinger)
Check out verse 5:
"What man is there that hath built a new house, and hath not dedicated it? Let him go and return to his house, lest he die in the battle and another man dedicate it."
Verse 6, The same formula-- but for wine:
"What man... planted a vineyard, and hath not yet eaten of it? ... let him also go... lest he die in the battle, and another man eat of it."
And, naturally, verse 7:
"What man is... betrothed to a wife and hath not taken her?... Let him go... lest he die in the battle, and another man take her."
BAM!
Here we see the three priorities in a man's life: Shelter, Booze, and Dames!
It's a natural progression: a place to sleep, something to eat/drink, and someone to share it with-- to eat, drink and be "merry"... unless she has a headache.
That sure would stink-- you go to all the trouble of building a house, or planting crops, or wooing a lady... and you die before you can enjoy any of it! Some OTHER guy is in YOUR bed, drinking YOUR wine, and being "merry" all over YOUR woman!
Now THAT'S getting the fuzzy end of the lollipop!
Unfair!
And God knew this.
Hence-- this very sensible rule.
How refreshing.
.
"Come together... right now"
.
Let's take it down a notch:
The Mourner's Kaddish is recited at the end of nearly every organized prayer service
in the Jewish religion, assuming there are 10 Jewish adults present.
Someone mourning the death of a close relative stands up and says the Kaddish, while everyone else responds a few times.
The actual prayer-- The Mourner's Kaddish-- is often the only Hebrew many Jews are capable of saying out loud.
Well, guess what-- it ain't Hebrew!
It is written in Aramaic.
I don't speak Aramaic.
And, I'm guessing, neither do you.
(They SHOULD teach it in high schools, I agree!)
So how can we make this Aramaic prayer (that takes about one minute to recite) meaningful to us?
Do what I do:
Update it!
And put it in your own words!
I use "Field of Dreams"
When I look at the people mourning the loss of loved ones, I think the second phrase "The Voice" told Ray in the cornfield:
"Ease his pain"
(or "her pain", depending on the gender... duh)
Simple. To the Point. I mean, what more can you ask for? That's WHY we say the prayer... for the benefit of the mourner, to give them closure. Help them... to ease their pain.
Remembering the death of a loved one is really a way of remembering their life.
The whole prayer takes about one minute to recite, but it is often the precise reason Jews will gather together.
And it can only be recited in the presence of a minyan (group of ten or more Jewish adults).
Why?
Maybe because when people are in the process of mourning, they naturally want isolate themselves, away from society...
Well, Judaism says, "Not so fast, Sunny Jim. Other people can help. You gotta learn to mourn... in the presence of others."
"Do not separate yourself from the community"
-- Rabbi Hillel (Ethics of the Fathers, 2:5)
It is SO EASY to separate.
Remember those days when you don't leave your house/apartment until 6 o'clock at night?
You feel like crap, dontcha?
Well, Judaism anticipates that!
And a minyan coming together is a terrific thing-- when a person is mourning, Jews will rally.
"I need to recite the Kaddish, are you available to--"
"Gimme the time and place, I'll be there."
When the chips are down, Jews rally around one another.
Someone feels compelled to recite the Mourner's Kaddish, let's get together and help them through it... even if it's just for a 15 minute evening prayer service.
It unites, it motivates people to come together.
And people will come.
"Oh... people will come Ray. People will most definitely come."
-- "Field of Dreams" (book by W.P. Kinsella, screenplay by Phil Alden Robinson)
.
Let's take it down a notch:
The Mourner's Kaddish is recited at the end of nearly every organized prayer service
in the Jewish religion, assuming there are 10 Jewish adults present.
Someone mourning the death of a close relative stands up and says the Kaddish, while everyone else responds a few times.
The actual prayer-- The Mourner's Kaddish-- is often the only Hebrew many Jews are capable of saying out loud.
Well, guess what-- it ain't Hebrew!
It is written in Aramaic.
I don't speak Aramaic.
And, I'm guessing, neither do you.
(They SHOULD teach it in high schools, I agree!)
So how can we make this Aramaic prayer (that takes about one minute to recite) meaningful to us?
Do what I do:
Update it!
And put it in your own words!
I use "Field of Dreams"
When I look at the people mourning the loss of loved ones, I think the second phrase "The Voice" told Ray in the cornfield:
"Ease his pain"
(or "her pain", depending on the gender... duh)
Simple. To the Point. I mean, what more can you ask for? That's WHY we say the prayer... for the benefit of the mourner, to give them closure. Help them... to ease their pain.
Remembering the death of a loved one is really a way of remembering their life.
The whole prayer takes about one minute to recite, but it is often the precise reason Jews will gather together.
And it can only be recited in the presence of a minyan (group of ten or more Jewish adults).
Why?
Maybe because when people are in the process of mourning, they naturally want isolate themselves, away from society...
Well, Judaism says, "Not so fast, Sunny Jim. Other people can help. You gotta learn to mourn... in the presence of others."
"Do not separate yourself from the community"
-- Rabbi Hillel (Ethics of the Fathers, 2:5)
It is SO EASY to separate.
Remember those days when you don't leave your house/apartment until 6 o'clock at night?
You feel like crap, dontcha?
Well, Judaism anticipates that!
And a minyan coming together is a terrific thing-- when a person is mourning, Jews will rally.
"I need to recite the Kaddish, are you available to--"
"Gimme the time and place, I'll be there."
When the chips are down, Jews rally around one another.
Someone feels compelled to recite the Mourner's Kaddish, let's get together and help them through it... even if it's just for a 15 minute evening prayer service.
It unites, it motivates people to come together.
And people will come.
"Oh... people will come Ray. People will most definitely come."
-- "Field of Dreams" (book by W.P. Kinsella, screenplay by Phil Alden Robinson)
.
Wednesday, December 23
"It's About You, It's About You" -- Dan K.
.
Quick recap:
It's the end of Deuteronomy, Moses is about to die, the Israelites are about to enter the Holy Land.
God is talking, yakkity-yak, as usual—
"If you follow my commandments, I’ll give you land, children, a shave and a haircut (two bits).
If you sin… you’re ass is grass, and I’m gonna start a brushfire!"
(more or less)
The main rule: “…turn unto the Lord thy God with all thy heart and with all thy soul…” (Deut. 30:10)
Heart and Soul?
Cue Tom Hanks on that Big piano!
Now check out verses 12 and 13—
“This commandment… it is not hidden from thee, neither is it far off… It is not in heaven… neither is it beyond the sea…”
Somewhere…
Waiting for me…
Oh, ya gotta love Bobby Darin!
But wait! I’m gonna fill in those ellipses:
Verses 12-14 in their entirety—
God says, regarding the commandment to love the Almighty:
“It is not in heaven, that thou should say, ‘Who shall go up for us to heaven, and bring it unto us, that we may hear it and do it?’
“Neither is it beyond the sea, that thou should say, ‘Who shall go over the sea for us, and bring it unto us, that we may hear it and do it?’
“But the word is very night unto thee, in thy mouth and in thy heart that thou mayest do it.”
Woah!
E.T. anyone?
At the end of the movie, as the cute lil’ alien is about to leave on his spaceship, he says goodbye and tells his friend: “Elliot… I’ll be right… here.”
And the adorable E.T. points his glowing finger right at Elliot’s crotch.
Heart! I meant heart! He points to Elliot’s heart.
Precious.
Well, guess what! That little alien bastard totally ripped off God!
God was there first, you Muppet Show reject!
(ahem)
I am not really angry with E.T.—he is the most endearing extraterrestrial character in the history of cinema (except for the dancing alien at the end of “Spaceballs”— “Hello, my baby! Hello, my honey…”— Classic!)
“But good for God! The Almighty tells the Israelites, “Don’t gimme any excuses. Religious satisfaction, holiness, being a good person isn’t OUT THERE somewhere.
(That’s where the Truth is… Mulder)
“You don’t need to go searching for it. God, faith, kindness, love, whatever you want to call it—it’s inside of you! Each and every one of you.”
God was speaking to the people, through Moses (Deut. 31:1) for one of the last times. God knew the people were gonna be all, “Oh no! Moses is dying, what ever shall we do? We need a leader!”
Relax!
You don’t need to rely on Moses to talk to God “up in heaven” or go over “beyond the sea”— because the word of God is in your “hearts and mouths.” True success, victory, harmony—it all starts inside you.
After all, people were created in “God’s image” (Genesis 1:26, 5:1). So just take a look at yourself. BAM! There’s God.
And even if you don’t believe in God… believe in E.T. !
.
Quick recap:
It's the end of Deuteronomy, Moses is about to die, the Israelites are about to enter the Holy Land.
God is talking, yakkity-yak, as usual—
"If you follow my commandments, I’ll give you land, children, a shave and a haircut (two bits).
If you sin… you’re ass is grass, and I’m gonna start a brushfire!"
(more or less)
The main rule: “…turn unto the Lord thy God with all thy heart and with all thy soul…” (Deut. 30:10)
Heart and Soul?
Cue Tom Hanks on that Big piano!
Now check out verses 12 and 13—
“This commandment… it is not hidden from thee, neither is it far off… It is not in heaven… neither is it beyond the sea…”
Somewhere…
Waiting for me…
Oh, ya gotta love Bobby Darin!
But wait! I’m gonna fill in those ellipses:
Verses 12-14 in their entirety—
God says, regarding the commandment to love the Almighty:
“It is not in heaven, that thou should say, ‘Who shall go up for us to heaven, and bring it unto us, that we may hear it and do it?’
“Neither is it beyond the sea, that thou should say, ‘Who shall go over the sea for us, and bring it unto us, that we may hear it and do it?’
“But the word is very night unto thee, in thy mouth and in thy heart that thou mayest do it.”
Woah!
E.T. anyone?
At the end of the movie, as the cute lil’ alien is about to leave on his spaceship, he says goodbye and tells his friend: “Elliot… I’ll be right… here.”
And the adorable E.T. points his glowing finger right at Elliot’s crotch.
Heart! I meant heart! He points to Elliot’s heart.
Precious.
Well, guess what! That little alien bastard totally ripped off God!
God was there first, you Muppet Show reject!
(ahem)
I am not really angry with E.T.—he is the most endearing extraterrestrial character in the history of cinema (except for the dancing alien at the end of “Spaceballs”— “Hello, my baby! Hello, my honey…”— Classic!)
“But good for God! The Almighty tells the Israelites, “Don’t gimme any excuses. Religious satisfaction, holiness, being a good person isn’t OUT THERE somewhere.
(That’s where the Truth is… Mulder)
“You don’t need to go searching for it. God, faith, kindness, love, whatever you want to call it—it’s inside of you! Each and every one of you.”
God was speaking to the people, through Moses (Deut. 31:1) for one of the last times. God knew the people were gonna be all, “Oh no! Moses is dying, what ever shall we do? We need a leader!”
Relax!
You don’t need to rely on Moses to talk to God “up in heaven” or go over “beyond the sea”— because the word of God is in your “hearts and mouths.” True success, victory, harmony—it all starts inside you.
After all, people were created in “God’s image” (Genesis 1:26, 5:1). So just take a look at yourself. BAM! There’s God.
And even if you don’t believe in God… believe in E.T. !
.
Tuesday, December 22
"Double, double toil and trouble..." -- Shakespeare's "Macbeth" (Act 4, scene 1)
.
Ned Flanders: [reading] Harry Potter, and all his wizard friends, went
straight to Hell for practicing witchcraft.
Todd Flanders: Yay!
[Ned tosses the book into the fireplace]
-- "The Simpsons"
( season 12, ep. 18, written by Matt Selman)
Hey, Fans of Sc-Fi/Fantasy!
And to all you religious right wingers out there, who think Harry Potter is evil and promotes witchcraft and Satanism and ... gum disease... and... poor posture...
Check it:
The Bible mentions...
Dragons, Witches, Unicorns and Wizards-- Oh my! Three of which show up in Deuteronomy:
"Their wine is the poison of dragons" (Deut. 32:33)
"There shall not be found among you... an enchanter or a witch" (Deut. 18:10)
"And his horns are like the horns of unicorns" (Deut. 33:17)
"And Saul had put away... the wizards out of the land" (First Samuel 28:3)
And let's not forget King Saul visiting a soothsayer, who conjures up the ghost of Samuel the prophet (First Samuel 28:7-25).
(No details about whether or not the soothsayer was played by Whoopi Goldberg)
Granted, most of these mythical creatures are mentioned in negative contexts throughout the Scriptures... but they're still mentioned!
If you're gonna take the Bible literally... take EVERYTHING literally.
So Bala'am's donkey talked to him (Numbers 22:28)... Maybe the donkey had the voice of Eddie Murphy.
Plus,
Moses had a magic wand way before Harry Potter:
"Take thy rod and cast it before Pharaoh and it shall become a serpent" (Exodus 7:9)
"And the Lord said unto Moses... Lift up thy rod and stretch out thine hand over the sea and divide it...'" (Exodus 14:15-16)
.
Ned Flanders: [reading] Harry Potter, and all his wizard friends, went
straight to Hell for practicing witchcraft.
Todd Flanders: Yay!
[Ned tosses the book into the fireplace]
-- "The Simpsons"
( season 12, ep. 18, written by Matt Selman)
Hey, Fans of Sc-Fi/Fantasy!
And to all you religious right wingers out there, who think Harry Potter is evil and promotes witchcraft and Satanism and ... gum disease... and... poor posture...
Check it:
The Bible mentions...
Dragons, Witches, Unicorns and Wizards-- Oh my! Three of which show up in Deuteronomy:
"Their wine is the poison of dragons" (Deut. 32:33)
"There shall not be found among you... an enchanter or a witch" (Deut. 18:10)
"And his horns are like the horns of unicorns" (Deut. 33:17)
"And Saul had put away... the wizards out of the land" (First Samuel 28:3)
And let's not forget King Saul visiting a soothsayer, who conjures up the ghost of Samuel the prophet (First Samuel 28:7-25).
(No details about whether or not the soothsayer was played by Whoopi Goldberg)
Granted, most of these mythical creatures are mentioned in negative contexts throughout the Scriptures... but they're still mentioned!
If you're gonna take the Bible literally... take EVERYTHING literally.
So Bala'am's donkey talked to him (Numbers 22:28)... Maybe the donkey had the voice of Eddie Murphy.
Plus,
Moses had a magic wand way before Harry Potter:
"Take thy rod and cast it before Pharaoh and it shall become a serpent" (Exodus 7:9)
"And the Lord said unto Moses... Lift up thy rod and stretch out thine hand over the sea and divide it...'" (Exodus 14:15-16)
.
"A Jew? Here??..." -- Blinkin, "Robin Hood: Men In Tights"
.
Today at The Conservative Yeshiva in Jerusalem, my Bible class watched a DVD of the musical "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat."
Oh yeah.
It was a good day.
" Potiphar was cool and SO fine/
But his wife could never tow the line/
It’s all there in chapter thirty-nine/
Of Genesis "
-- from “Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat”, lyrics by Tim Rice
You’re darn right it is--
Genesis 39 (summary):
“And Joseph was brought down to Egypt, and Potiphar, an officer of Pharaoh... bought him…” (verse 1)
“And Joseph served him… he had made him overseer in his house” (vv. 4-5)
“His master’s wife cast her eyes upon Joseph; and she said, Lie with me” (v.7)
“But he refused…” (v.8)
Then what does Potiphar’s wife tell her hubby and all the other servants?
“… he came unto me to lie with me and I cried with a loud voice” (v. 14)
What a lying, scornful cougar!
But wait—one more thing:
“And she spake unto him according to these words, saying, ‘The Hebrew servant which thou hast brought unto us came in unto me to mock me.’”
-- Gen. 39:17
Woah woah woah.
Ex-squeeze me. Baking powder?
“Hebrew” servant?
Why does she have to throw that “Hebrew” part in there?
Well, let’s ask a guy a helluva lot smarter than yours truly:
"If my theory of relativity is proven successful, Germany will claim me as a German and France will declare that I am citizen of the world. If my theory is proven to be untrue, then France will say that I am a German, and Germany will say that I am a Jew."
-- Albert Einstein
As Jews, we represent... the lollipop guild!
(Ahem)
No.
If you're reading this, I'm assuming you're Jewish.
If you're not... guess what? I just made you an honorary M.O.T. (Member Of the Tribe)! Mazel Tov!
There aren't a lot of Jews in the world (about 1/5 of 1 percent of the world's population).
As Jews, each one of us represents all of us… whether or not we choose to, our behavior reflects on Jewish people everywhere.
Jews are linked the world over. When one of us succeeds, we all succeed. And when one of us screws up…
Hey, Jewish folk reading this— Do you remember when you first heard about—
David Berkowtiz.
*Wince*
Meyer Lansky
*Damn*
Or
Bernie Madoff
*Come on!*
It hurts us all, gives Jews a bad name.
But, hey, let’s not forget—
Elie Wiesel
*Huzzah!*
Steven Spielberg
*Right on!*
Or 25% of the world’s Nobel Prize winners for both Physics and Medicine/Physiology
*Pocket Protectors Unite!*
Not to mention ol’ Albert.
A Jew making good in the world is like your home team winning the big game (“That’s right! Atta boy! That’s one for us!”)
And when Roman Polanski or Woody Allen pop up in the tabloids… we cringe together.
But Jonas Salk cured polio!... and celebrated Passover!
“We’re all in this together!”
-- those annoying kids from Disney’s “High School Musical”
(two of whom are Jewish!)
(...so I guess they're okay)
.
Today at The Conservative Yeshiva in Jerusalem, my Bible class watched a DVD of the musical "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat."
Oh yeah.
It was a good day.
" Potiphar was cool and SO fine/
But his wife could never tow the line/
It’s all there in chapter thirty-nine/
Of Genesis "
-- from “Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat”, lyrics by Tim Rice
You’re darn right it is--
Genesis 39 (summary):
“And Joseph was brought down to Egypt, and Potiphar, an officer of Pharaoh... bought him…” (verse 1)
“And Joseph served him… he had made him overseer in his house” (vv. 4-5)
“His master’s wife cast her eyes upon Joseph; and she said, Lie with me” (v.7)
“But he refused…” (v.8)
Then what does Potiphar’s wife tell her hubby and all the other servants?
“… he came unto me to lie with me and I cried with a loud voice” (v. 14)
What a lying, scornful cougar!
But wait—one more thing:
“And she spake unto him according to these words, saying, ‘The Hebrew servant which thou hast brought unto us came in unto me to mock me.’”
-- Gen. 39:17
Woah woah woah.
Ex-squeeze me. Baking powder?
“Hebrew” servant?
Why does she have to throw that “Hebrew” part in there?
Well, let’s ask a guy a helluva lot smarter than yours truly:
"If my theory of relativity is proven successful, Germany will claim me as a German and France will declare that I am citizen of the world. If my theory is proven to be untrue, then France will say that I am a German, and Germany will say that I am a Jew."
-- Albert Einstein
As Jews, we represent... the lollipop guild!
(Ahem)
No.
If you're reading this, I'm assuming you're Jewish.
If you're not... guess what? I just made you an honorary M.O.T. (Member Of the Tribe)! Mazel Tov!
There aren't a lot of Jews in the world (about 1/5 of 1 percent of the world's population).
As Jews, each one of us represents all of us… whether or not we choose to, our behavior reflects on Jewish people everywhere.
Jews are linked the world over. When one of us succeeds, we all succeed. And when one of us screws up…
Hey, Jewish folk reading this— Do you remember when you first heard about—
David Berkowtiz.
*Wince*
Meyer Lansky
*Damn*
Or
Bernie Madoff
*Come on!*
It hurts us all, gives Jews a bad name.
But, hey, let’s not forget—
Elie Wiesel
*Huzzah!*
Steven Spielberg
*Right on!*
Or 25% of the world’s Nobel Prize winners for both Physics and Medicine/Physiology
*Pocket Protectors Unite!*
Not to mention ol’ Albert.
A Jew making good in the world is like your home team winning the big game (“That’s right! Atta boy! That’s one for us!”)
And when Roman Polanski or Woody Allen pop up in the tabloids… we cringe together.
But Jonas Salk cured polio!... and celebrated Passover!
“We’re all in this together!”
-- those annoying kids from Disney’s “High School Musical”
(two of whom are Jewish!)
(...so I guess they're okay)
.
Monday, December 21
"Wonder of Wonders"
.
Blessed are you, Lord, our God, Ruler of the Universe
Who performed miracles for our ancestors in those ancient times in this season.”
-- Blessing over Hanukkah Candles
Jules: This was Divine Intervention! You know what "divine intervention" is?
Vincent: Yeah, I think so. That means God came down from Heaven and stopped the bullets.
...
Jules: Whether or not what we experienced was an According to Hoyle miracle is insignificant. What is significant is that I felt the touch of God. God got involved.”
-- Vincent (John Travolta) and Jules (Samuel L. Jackson), “Pulp Fiction” (1994, written by Quentin Tarantino, Roger Avary)
What makes something a miracle? Is childbirth a miracle? It happens thousands of times every day? How can THAT be miraculous?
Well, my heart beats thousands of times each day… good thing, too, because if it didn’t I would suddenly drop…
… I’m okay!
Still, think of all the little things that are happening inside your body right now! Every breath, every lymph node, muscle, cell—all just to keep you alive long enough to finish reading this sentence!
You did it! Good job!
It’s still amazing.
Every few weeks I say the same thing…
“I can’t BELIEVE Obama is President!”
In a good way.
Like him or not… it’s pretty damn extraordinary that he’s the head honcho (technical political term) of the USA. That could be considered a miracle.
I have heard an old saying, “There are two types of people: those who think EVERYTHING is a miracle, and those who think NOTHING is a miracle.”
As is the case with almost everything, I believe the truth falls somewhere in the middle.
If you think NOTHING is a miracle, you’re probably not much fun to be around.
If you think EVERYTHING is a miracle, you’re a huge pain in the ass (“ANOTHER flavor of Ben and Jerry’s? What a miracle! Hallelujah! Oh, Almighty-- you’ve done it again!”)
The famous American rabbi/philosopher, Abraham Joshua Heschel, often said, “A miracle happened today— the sun rose.”
On a similar note, the equally-influential (at least to me) comedian Louis C.K. pointed out:
“Everything is amazing right now and nobody’s happy…
I was on an airplane… People come back from flights and they tell you their story.
And [they act like] it’s a horror story:
‘It was the worst day of my life! We didn’t BOARD for TWENTY MINUTES, then we got on the plane and they made us SIT THERE on the runway for FORTY MINUTES!’
Oh, yeah? And what happened next?
Did you FLY through the AIR-- INCREDIBLY?
Like a bird? Did you partake in the miracle of human flight?
… It’s AMAZING!... You’re flying! You’re sitting in a chair— IN THE SKY!!”
Amen.
.
"Great, Miracle. Happened, Here"
-- Letter representations on the 4 sides of a dreidel (spinning top) in Israel
.
Blessed are you, Lord, our God, Ruler of the Universe
Who performed miracles for our ancestors in those ancient times in this season.”
-- Blessing over Hanukkah Candles
Jules: This was Divine Intervention! You know what "divine intervention" is?
Vincent: Yeah, I think so. That means God came down from Heaven and stopped the bullets.
...
Jules: Whether or not what we experienced was an According to Hoyle miracle is insignificant. What is significant is that I felt the touch of God. God got involved.”
-- Vincent (John Travolta) and Jules (Samuel L. Jackson), “Pulp Fiction” (1994, written by Quentin Tarantino, Roger Avary)
What makes something a miracle? Is childbirth a miracle? It happens thousands of times every day? How can THAT be miraculous?
Well, my heart beats thousands of times each day… good thing, too, because if it didn’t I would suddenly drop…
… I’m okay!
Still, think of all the little things that are happening inside your body right now! Every breath, every lymph node, muscle, cell—all just to keep you alive long enough to finish reading this sentence!
You did it! Good job!
It’s still amazing.
Every few weeks I say the same thing…
“I can’t BELIEVE Obama is President!”
In a good way.
Like him or not… it’s pretty damn extraordinary that he’s the head honcho (technical political term) of the USA. That could be considered a miracle.
I have heard an old saying, “There are two types of people: those who think EVERYTHING is a miracle, and those who think NOTHING is a miracle.”
As is the case with almost everything, I believe the truth falls somewhere in the middle.
If you think NOTHING is a miracle, you’re probably not much fun to be around.
If you think EVERYTHING is a miracle, you’re a huge pain in the ass (“ANOTHER flavor of Ben and Jerry’s? What a miracle! Hallelujah! Oh, Almighty-- you’ve done it again!”)
The famous American rabbi/philosopher, Abraham Joshua Heschel, often said, “A miracle happened today— the sun rose.”
On a similar note, the equally-influential (at least to me) comedian Louis C.K. pointed out:
“Everything is amazing right now and nobody’s happy…
I was on an airplane… People come back from flights and they tell you their story.
And [they act like] it’s a horror story:
‘It was the worst day of my life! We didn’t BOARD for TWENTY MINUTES, then we got on the plane and they made us SIT THERE on the runway for FORTY MINUTES!’
Oh, yeah? And what happened next?
Did you FLY through the AIR-- INCREDIBLY?
Like a bird? Did you partake in the miracle of human flight?
… It’s AMAZING!... You’re flying! You’re sitting in a chair— IN THE SKY!!”
Amen.
.
"Great, Miracle. Happened, Here"
-- Letter representations on the 4 sides of a dreidel (spinning top) in Israel
.
Saturday, December 12
"My gift is my song..." -- (Sir Elton)
.
December 11th, 2009
Tonight marks the first night of Hanukkah, and if you know your Adam Sandler oeuvre, that is "The Festival Lights."
("Instead of one day of presents we get eight crazy nights")
I received my first present today, when my wife of (nearly) 6 months gave me the most precious gift of all... (wait for it)... a haircut!
That's right!
After watching (literally) a 3-minute tutorial she found on Youtube, using only my razor and some scissors she found in a desk drawer… SHE cut my hair!
And, might I add, I look great!
(now that the bleeding has stopped... kidding! ha ha... gulp).
Really-- If Brad Pitt were short and Jewish and received a haircut from my wife, he’d look just like me!
It was a great gift.
Which reminds me:
“…A gift doth blind the eyes of the wise and pervert the word of the righteous”
(Deut. 16:19)
So I guess my wife made me a pervert!
Oh happy day! I have an excuse to continue my curious “experiments” with hummus
& babganoush
(even *I’m * sure what that’s supposed to mean)
Actually, this saying about “gifts blinding the wise” is listed as a part of the modus operandi of judges and officers among the Israelites. It’s basically a prohibition against bribing officials… which is a pretty good rule.
Because it’s true— gifts can cloud our judgment.
Over the last four years I have taught Hebrew School in Park Slope, Brooklyn. Every December, the parents of a few students would give me a little Hanukkah gift— a book, a giftcard, banana bread, what-have-you. And I must admit, after receiving the gift I tended to be more patient and complimentary with the children of those gift-giving parents (“Wow! Great job, Shlomo! What a… creative drawing of Moses… How’s about you try it again, but draw some pants on him, ‘kay? It looks like he’s about to violate at least three of the Ten Commandments.”).
.
December 11th, 2009
Tonight marks the first night of Hanukkah, and if you know your Adam Sandler oeuvre, that is "The Festival Lights."
("Instead of one day of presents we get eight crazy nights")
I received my first present today, when my wife of (nearly) 6 months gave me the most precious gift of all... (wait for it)... a haircut!
That's right!
After watching (literally) a 3-minute tutorial she found on Youtube, using only my razor and some scissors she found in a desk drawer… SHE cut my hair!
And, might I add, I look great!
(now that the bleeding has stopped... kidding! ha ha... gulp).
Really-- If Brad Pitt were short and Jewish and received a haircut from my wife, he’d look just like me!
It was a great gift.
Which reminds me:
“…A gift doth blind the eyes of the wise and pervert the word of the righteous”
(Deut. 16:19)
So I guess my wife made me a pervert!
Oh happy day! I have an excuse to continue my curious “experiments” with hummus
& babganoush
(even *I’m * sure what that’s supposed to mean)
Actually, this saying about “gifts blinding the wise” is listed as a part of the modus operandi of judges and officers among the Israelites. It’s basically a prohibition against bribing officials… which is a pretty good rule.
Because it’s true— gifts can cloud our judgment.
Over the last four years I have taught Hebrew School in Park Slope, Brooklyn. Every December, the parents of a few students would give me a little Hanukkah gift— a book, a giftcard, banana bread, what-have-you. And I must admit, after receiving the gift I tended to be more patient and complimentary with the children of those gift-giving parents (“Wow! Great job, Shlomo! What a… creative drawing of Moses… How’s about you try it again, but draw some pants on him, ‘kay? It looks like he’s about to violate at least three of the Ten Commandments.”).
.
Thursday, December 10
“Brothers don’t shake hands. Brothers gotta hug!” – Chris Farley, “Tommy Boy”
.
“[They] were like brothers to me. And when I say brother, I don't mean, like, an actual brother, but I mean it like the way black people use it. Which is more meaningful, I think.”
--Derek Zoolander (Ben Stiller)
“And Esau ran to meet him and embraced him, and fell on his neck and kissed him and they wept.”
-- (Gen. 33:4)
“And Esau said, ‘I have enough, my brother, keep what thou hast unto thyself.’ And Jacob said... "Receive my present at my hand, for therefore I have seen thy face as though I had seen the face of God and thou wast pleased with me.'”
-- (Gen. 33:8-10)
The first act of true brotherly love in the Bible… is done by the big hairy hunter, Esau.
Forgiveness.
Yeah, So what?
Was it really THAT impressive, what Esau said and did?
Well… Yeah!
First, here’s a quick recap of siblings mentioned in Genesis:
The first kids born… EVER… in the world—
Two brothers, Cain and Abel.
Cain kills Abel. (4:8)
(Just for the record, Cain and Abel are born in verses 1 and 2… Cain kills Abel in verse 8… It took about 7 verses before Cain thought, “I can’t take this crap anymore! One of us HAS to go!” Now THAT is a short fuse.)
(ahem)
Moving on…!
Noah has three sons, one of whom (Ham) spies on Noah getting drunk in the buff. Ham tells his brothers, and Noah (once he sobers up) curses his Ham, condemning his offspring to be slaves to his brothers’ offspring (Gen. 9:22, 24-25).
Bummer.
Then along comes Abraham.
He has two sons: Ishmael, his eldest, gets kicked to the curb once Isaac is born (Gen. 16). Then Abe takes Isaac (that little bundle of joy he begged God for), drags him up a mountain and nearly slices his head off! (Gen. 22)
Those are Abe’s sons!
Those lucky S.O.B.s!
Then Isaac grows up, probably emotionally scarred for life
(He could open a newsstand, he’s got so many issues… Damn, Isaac! You just got served!).
But Izzy raises two twin boys, Esau and Jacob, who don’t exactly get along—
Jacob lies, deceives his dad and snatches Esau’s inheritance, then Jake hits the road, fearing for his life because he must’ve read about Cain and Abel, too…
“And Esau hated Jacob…and Esau said in his heart ‘… Then I will slay my brother Jacob.’” (Gen. 27:41).
Sibling Rivalry… to put it mildly.
So it’s hard to get along with people… especially those who share your DNA.
I also grew up with a twin brother.
My brother is fond of saying we’ve known each other since the “Placenta Years.”
Ha ha!
… I suppose that is when the problems began.
Keep in mind, in Biblical times, the eldest son got EVERYTHING!
When Isaac blesses Jacob, THINKING he was his eldest son Esau, Isaac sheepishly tells Esau, “I have made him thy lord, and all his brethren have I given to him for servants; … and [thou] shalt serve thy brother…”
(Gen. 27:37, 40)
Damn! That’s not the same as getting to stay up an extra half-hour!
And besides, they were TWINS! They were virtually the same age!
Like Esau, I was the older twin.
I’m older… like Esau.
I was born 15 minutes before my brother… Fifteen minutes! And it doesn’t make any difference!
I didn’t anything constructive with the time (I didn’t have my Sudoku book with me). I came out—BAM!
I chatted with the nurse:
“How YOU doin’?... Wow, good to be here. You wouldn’t BELIEVE who I came here with!
Good-lookin’ guy, don’t get me wrong… but boy! He was totally crowding my personal space… he was all up in my fetus grill.”
Actually I was born first because of complications with my brother. He was coming out backwards… out my mom’s ass.
Ha!
No, actually it was a C-section, it was kind of serious… The umbilical chord was wrapped around my brother’s neck… I have no idea how THAT happened.
(wink)
But my brother and I were very different, despite looking exactly alike.
Not quite as different as Jake and Esau:
“And the boys grew: and Esau was a cunning hunter, a man of the field; and Jacob was a plain man, dwelling in tents.”
(Gen. 25:27)
Freshman year of high school, I was on the baseball team.
My twin brother was singing and dancing in the big, school-wide production of “Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor DreamGay—um, I meant coat! Dreamcoat!”
I heard all about the musical for months, and I mocked my brother mercilessly, skeptical of the whole thing
… until that May
… when I saw the production.
Damn!
I was SO jealous!
It... was… AWESOME!!!
I never went back to the baseball team.
The next year I auditioned for the musical, got a part, and there was no turning back! I couldn’t be happier!
My brother, on the other hand…
“Why can’t you stay on the baseball team?" he pleaded. "Things were great before— we were individuals! We were in our separate worlds! I was the ‘Acting’ twin, you were the ‘Sporty’ twin!”
Despite my brother’s desire to label us like the Spice Girls, I wanted to be in the musical too!
And soon we resolved our differences. We came to respect each other as actors and as people.
Once we started performing onstage together, just like it had with Jacob and Esau, the tension melted away…
“And Esau ran to meet him and embraced him, and fell on his neck and kissed him and they wept.”
-- (Gen. 33:4)
Well, it wasn’t quite as gay as that… but we learned to get along.
(I know, my second gay joke… But come on: man-on-man embrace, kissing… neck… crying. That’s pretty gay)
Decades after he stole Esau’s birthright, Jacob was still terrified that his brother would kill him and all his family (Gen. 32:12).
After all, so far in the Bible, siblings had killed each other for a lot less.
But Esau surprises his brother… and totally forgives him!
The burly, meat-eating, grudge-holding hunter… is actually full of decency and has the heart of a righteous man (like Gandhi, Jackie Robinson or a Tom Hanks character)!
Because that’s what family does.
Forgive.
A friend of mine often says, “You can forgive and forget… Or you can just forgive… But if you want to stay close with someone, forgiveness is not an option.”
And my brother has forgiven me many-a time.
About ten years ago I was involved with "Amnesty International" and researching the genocide in Rwanda, as the Hutu militia massacred the Tutsi people. It had drawn many parallels to the Holocaust. One day, my family was gathered together in the T.V. room watching “Schindler’s List” on HBO. In the middle, I ran upstairs to my bedroom. I was so upset that a similar tragedy was still going on in the world.
My twin brother came upstairs, sat down next to me, put his arm around me and said, “It’s okay, Aaron. It’s okay.”
And I did what anyone else would do…
I punched him in the face!
Yes, I did.
Because the only way to stop genocide… is to bash your twin brother in the nose.
I was angry and frustrated and … I took it out on him.
Once I collected myself and realized I had been a complete dick... I apologized.
And my brother, in a truly magnanimous, Esau-esque gesture, forgave me… Because that’s what brothers do.
Thanks, bro.
.
“[They] were like brothers to me. And when I say brother, I don't mean, like, an actual brother, but I mean it like the way black people use it. Which is more meaningful, I think.”
--Derek Zoolander (Ben Stiller)
“And Esau ran to meet him and embraced him, and fell on his neck and kissed him and they wept.”
-- (Gen. 33:4)
“And Esau said, ‘I have enough, my brother, keep what thou hast unto thyself.’ And Jacob said... "Receive my present at my hand, for therefore I have seen thy face as though I had seen the face of God and thou wast pleased with me.'”
-- (Gen. 33:8-10)
The first act of true brotherly love in the Bible… is done by the big hairy hunter, Esau.
Forgiveness.
Yeah, So what?
Was it really THAT impressive, what Esau said and did?
Well… Yeah!
First, here’s a quick recap of siblings mentioned in Genesis:
The first kids born… EVER… in the world—
Two brothers, Cain and Abel.
Cain kills Abel. (4:8)
(Just for the record, Cain and Abel are born in verses 1 and 2… Cain kills Abel in verse 8… It took about 7 verses before Cain thought, “I can’t take this crap anymore! One of us HAS to go!” Now THAT is a short fuse.)
(ahem)
Moving on…!
Noah has three sons, one of whom (Ham) spies on Noah getting drunk in the buff. Ham tells his brothers, and Noah (once he sobers up) curses his Ham, condemning his offspring to be slaves to his brothers’ offspring (Gen. 9:22, 24-25).
Bummer.
Then along comes Abraham.
He has two sons: Ishmael, his eldest, gets kicked to the curb once Isaac is born (Gen. 16). Then Abe takes Isaac (that little bundle of joy he begged God for), drags him up a mountain and nearly slices his head off! (Gen. 22)
Those are Abe’s sons!
Those lucky S.O.B.s!
Then Isaac grows up, probably emotionally scarred for life
(He could open a newsstand, he’s got so many issues… Damn, Isaac! You just got served!).
But Izzy raises two twin boys, Esau and Jacob, who don’t exactly get along—
Jacob lies, deceives his dad and snatches Esau’s inheritance, then Jake hits the road, fearing for his life because he must’ve read about Cain and Abel, too…
“And Esau hated Jacob…and Esau said in his heart ‘… Then I will slay my brother Jacob.’” (Gen. 27:41).
Sibling Rivalry… to put it mildly.
So it’s hard to get along with people… especially those who share your DNA.
I also grew up with a twin brother.
My brother is fond of saying we’ve known each other since the “Placenta Years.”
Ha ha!
… I suppose that is when the problems began.
Keep in mind, in Biblical times, the eldest son got EVERYTHING!
When Isaac blesses Jacob, THINKING he was his eldest son Esau, Isaac sheepishly tells Esau, “I have made him thy lord, and all his brethren have I given to him for servants; … and [thou] shalt serve thy brother…”
(Gen. 27:37, 40)
Damn! That’s not the same as getting to stay up an extra half-hour!
And besides, they were TWINS! They were virtually the same age!
Like Esau, I was the older twin.
I’m older… like Esau.
I was born 15 minutes before my brother… Fifteen minutes! And it doesn’t make any difference!
I didn’t anything constructive with the time (I didn’t have my Sudoku book with me). I came out—BAM!
I chatted with the nurse:
“How YOU doin’?... Wow, good to be here. You wouldn’t BELIEVE who I came here with!
Good-lookin’ guy, don’t get me wrong… but boy! He was totally crowding my personal space… he was all up in my fetus grill.”
Actually I was born first because of complications with my brother. He was coming out backwards… out my mom’s ass.
Ha!
No, actually it was a C-section, it was kind of serious… The umbilical chord was wrapped around my brother’s neck… I have no idea how THAT happened.
(wink)
But my brother and I were very different, despite looking exactly alike.
Not quite as different as Jake and Esau:
“And the boys grew: and Esau was a cunning hunter, a man of the field; and Jacob was a plain man, dwelling in tents.”
(Gen. 25:27)
Freshman year of high school, I was on the baseball team.
My twin brother was singing and dancing in the big, school-wide production of “Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor DreamGay—um, I meant coat! Dreamcoat!”
I heard all about the musical for months, and I mocked my brother mercilessly, skeptical of the whole thing
… until that May
… when I saw the production.
Damn!
I was SO jealous!
It... was… AWESOME!!!
I never went back to the baseball team.
The next year I auditioned for the musical, got a part, and there was no turning back! I couldn’t be happier!
My brother, on the other hand…
“Why can’t you stay on the baseball team?" he pleaded. "Things were great before— we were individuals! We were in our separate worlds! I was the ‘Acting’ twin, you were the ‘Sporty’ twin!”
Despite my brother’s desire to label us like the Spice Girls, I wanted to be in the musical too!
And soon we resolved our differences. We came to respect each other as actors and as people.
Once we started performing onstage together, just like it had with Jacob and Esau, the tension melted away…
“And Esau ran to meet him and embraced him, and fell on his neck and kissed him and they wept.”
-- (Gen. 33:4)
Well, it wasn’t quite as gay as that… but we learned to get along.
(I know, my second gay joke… But come on: man-on-man embrace, kissing… neck… crying. That’s pretty gay)
Decades after he stole Esau’s birthright, Jacob was still terrified that his brother would kill him and all his family (Gen. 32:12).
After all, so far in the Bible, siblings had killed each other for a lot less.
But Esau surprises his brother… and totally forgives him!
The burly, meat-eating, grudge-holding hunter… is actually full of decency and has the heart of a righteous man (like Gandhi, Jackie Robinson or a Tom Hanks character)!
Because that’s what family does.
Forgive.
A friend of mine often says, “You can forgive and forget… Or you can just forgive… But if you want to stay close with someone, forgiveness is not an option.”
And my brother has forgiven me many-a time.
About ten years ago I was involved with "Amnesty International" and researching the genocide in Rwanda, as the Hutu militia massacred the Tutsi people. It had drawn many parallels to the Holocaust. One day, my family was gathered together in the T.V. room watching “Schindler’s List” on HBO. In the middle, I ran upstairs to my bedroom. I was so upset that a similar tragedy was still going on in the world.
My twin brother came upstairs, sat down next to me, put his arm around me and said, “It’s okay, Aaron. It’s okay.”
And I did what anyone else would do…
I punched him in the face!
Yes, I did.
Because the only way to stop genocide… is to bash your twin brother in the nose.
I was angry and frustrated and … I took it out on him.
Once I collected myself and realized I had been a complete dick... I apologized.
And my brother, in a truly magnanimous, Esau-esque gesture, forgave me… Because that’s what brothers do.
Thanks, bro.
.
Wednesday, December 9
"I ated the purple berries!... It tastes like... burning." -- Ralph Wiggum
.
Guess what!
Another T.M.B.S. moment!
Remember, T.M.B.S. stands for "This Movie is Bull Shit!" --
This refers to the point in a film when believability falters, when you question the reality of the film and roll your eyes and say, "Come onnnnnn!" or "Gimme a break!"
And those moments show up in films and in the Bible all the time!
First-- the latest film:
The missus and I were just watching "Blade," in which the titular character (played by pre-tax-evading-Wesley Snipes) is half-man/half-vampire, who hunts vampires! Irony!
The film, written by David S. Goyer (of new "Batman" films fame) was released in 1998, way before the resurgence in vampire popularity of the last few years, of which my wife is a member.
Like most rabbis-in-training, my wife LOVES vampires.
She has read every book of the "True Blood" and "Twilight" series, and seen the respective HBO series and films. And watched the "Buffy" series religiously (ha!).
During the film's climactic fight, the bad-ass Blade takes on the evil leaders of the vampires (or "suckheads", as Blade calls them... quite the derisive fellow, ain't he?)... Deacon Frost!
In the scene Blade has a few vials of ... some kind of liquid... that blows up vampires. They get knocked out of his hand, go up in the air... and land on the floor, rolling to the side (hmmm, I wonder if they'll be used in a little bit).
At this moment ,my wife throws up her hands and says, "Come on! You're telling me that NONE of those vials broke??"
Sorry, "Blade." You've lost your credibility with my wife. Ninety minutes into this film about Wesley Snipes beating up VAMPIRES... she doesn't believe it!
They just asked her to suspend too much disbelief.
Anyway, Bible time!
Genesis, chapter 30. Jacob has married a pair of sisters, Rachel and Leah. While bigamist-at-large Jake makes it clear that Rachel is his favorite (29:30,33), she is barren! Can't get preggers, no way- no how! And Leah is popping out offspring like a Nerf gun shooting ping pong balls (including Reuben, her eldest).
So what does Rachel come up with?
"And Reuben... found mandrakes in the field, and brought them unto his mother, Leah. Then Rachel said to Leah, 'Give me, I pray thee, of thy son's mandrakes.'" (Gen. 30:14)
Mandrakes, huh (a plant said to improve fertility)?!
The two sisters then cut a deal-- Rachel allows Leah to spend that night with Jacob once Leah gives her sister the magical mandrakes (30:15). Thus we see an early example of the Middle Eastern Jew's penchant for haggling.
Trading a crazy baby plant... for sex. Makes sense to me!
Mandrakes, also mentioned in "The Song of Solomon" (7:13) and said to have a fine fragrance, is "doo-da-yim" in Hebrew -- loosely translated to mean "love plant."
You might remember the mandrake root from the Oscar-winning flick "Pan's Labyrinth," written and directed by Guillermo Del Toro (also dir. of the creepy "Blade 2")!
In the film, a magical faun tells little Ofelia she can restore her sick mother's health by placing a mandrake root in a bowl of fresh milk underneath her bed... then the mandrake turns into a weird quasi-parsnip/infant baby crying and wriggling! Yikes!
Horticulture 101:
The Mandrake, or Mandragora officinarum (ooooh, hoyty-toyty!),
contains deliriant hallucinogenic tropane alkaloids, which do exactly what you'd guess they do: make you CRAZY!
The mandrake also produces orange and red berries which are, of course, poisonous!
And the roots can contain shapes that often resemble human figures, hence the belief that the mandrake roots aids in fertility. Pagan and Wikken rituals also include use of the mandrake.
Thanks Encyclopedia Britannica (11th ed., 1911)!
So Rachel hoped to get knocked up by chewing on a mandrake root!
Reading this, I was like "Come onnnnnn!"
Really, Book of Genesis? -- A root that promotes fertility?! That's ridiculous!
... Now where's that talking bush that turns Moses' stick into a snake?
(All this even though nearly every religion and culture has its own plant-fertility drugs/aphrodisiacs)
After the sisters swap, guess what!
God, always with a sense of humor, causes Leah (after she spends that night with Jacob) to get pregnant AGAIN! And Rachel STILL doesn't! Ouch! That's harsh.
And hard to believe.
But that's what any good film or book or piece of fiction requires-- at least a little suspension of one's disbelief.
Now, remember-- I am a cynic. Which is dangerous.
"I think we too often make choices based on the safety of cynicism, and what we're lead to is a life not fully lived. Cynicism is fear, and it's worse than fear - it's active disengagement."
-- Filmmaker Ken Burns
Check out this exchange from the forgettable 1998 film "Goodbye Lover":
Rollins: Why are you so cynical?
Sgt. Rita Pompano: Because someone killed Bambi's mother.
-- (written by Ron Peer, Joel Cohen, Alec Sokolow)
People get burned, they don't want to put themselves out there.
Cynicism is a safety net, allowing one to stand back and say, "Come onnnnn" or "Shyeah right!" It's a lot easier to mock and criticize than to roll up your sleeves and affect change -- DO something about a situation.
... Like kill some vampires or eat a baby-makin' plant!
"Go and catch a falling star
Get with child a mandrake root
Tell me where all past years are,
Or who cleft the devil's foot..."
-- John Donne, "Song: Go and Catch a Falling Star".
Guess what!
Another T.M.B.S. moment!
Remember, T.M.B.S. stands for "This Movie is Bull Shit!" --
This refers to the point in a film when believability falters, when you question the reality of the film and roll your eyes and say, "Come onnnnnn!" or "Gimme a break!"
And those moments show up in films and in the Bible all the time!
First-- the latest film:
The missus and I were just watching "Blade," in which the titular character (played by pre-tax-evading-Wesley Snipes) is half-man/half-vampire, who hunts vampires! Irony!
The film, written by David S. Goyer (of new "Batman" films fame) was released in 1998, way before the resurgence in vampire popularity of the last few years, of which my wife is a member.
Like most rabbis-in-training, my wife LOVES vampires.
She has read every book of the "True Blood" and "Twilight" series, and seen the respective HBO series and films. And watched the "Buffy" series religiously (ha!).
During the film's climactic fight, the bad-ass Blade takes on the evil leaders of the vampires (or "suckheads", as Blade calls them... quite the derisive fellow, ain't he?)... Deacon Frost!
In the scene Blade has a few vials of ... some kind of liquid... that blows up vampires. They get knocked out of his hand, go up in the air... and land on the floor, rolling to the side (hmmm, I wonder if they'll be used in a little bit).
At this moment ,my wife throws up her hands and says, "Come on! You're telling me that NONE of those vials broke??"
Sorry, "Blade." You've lost your credibility with my wife. Ninety minutes into this film about Wesley Snipes beating up VAMPIRES... she doesn't believe it!
They just asked her to suspend too much disbelief.
Anyway, Bible time!
Genesis, chapter 30. Jacob has married a pair of sisters, Rachel and Leah. While bigamist-at-large Jake makes it clear that Rachel is his favorite (29:30,33), she is barren! Can't get preggers, no way- no how! And Leah is popping out offspring like a Nerf gun shooting ping pong balls (including Reuben, her eldest).
So what does Rachel come up with?
"And Reuben... found mandrakes in the field, and brought them unto his mother, Leah. Then Rachel said to Leah, 'Give me, I pray thee, of thy son's mandrakes.'" (Gen. 30:14)
Mandrakes, huh (a plant said to improve fertility)?!
The two sisters then cut a deal-- Rachel allows Leah to spend that night with Jacob once Leah gives her sister the magical mandrakes (30:15). Thus we see an early example of the Middle Eastern Jew's penchant for haggling.
Trading a crazy baby plant... for sex. Makes sense to me!
Mandrakes, also mentioned in "The Song of Solomon" (7:13) and said to have a fine fragrance, is "doo-da-yim" in Hebrew -- loosely translated to mean "love plant."
You might remember the mandrake root from the Oscar-winning flick "Pan's Labyrinth," written and directed by Guillermo Del Toro (also dir. of the creepy "Blade 2")!
In the film, a magical faun tells little Ofelia she can restore her sick mother's health by placing a mandrake root in a bowl of fresh milk underneath her bed... then the mandrake turns into a weird quasi-parsnip/infant baby crying and wriggling! Yikes!
Horticulture 101:
The Mandrake, or Mandragora officinarum (ooooh, hoyty-toyty!),
contains deliriant hallucinogenic tropane alkaloids, which do exactly what you'd guess they do: make you CRAZY!
The mandrake also produces orange and red berries which are, of course, poisonous!
And the roots can contain shapes that often resemble human figures, hence the belief that the mandrake roots aids in fertility. Pagan and Wikken rituals also include use of the mandrake.
Thanks Encyclopedia Britannica (11th ed., 1911)!
So Rachel hoped to get knocked up by chewing on a mandrake root!
Reading this, I was like "Come onnnnnn!"
Really, Book of Genesis? -- A root that promotes fertility?! That's ridiculous!
... Now where's that talking bush that turns Moses' stick into a snake?
(All this even though nearly every religion and culture has its own plant-fertility drugs/aphrodisiacs)
After the sisters swap, guess what!
God, always with a sense of humor, causes Leah (after she spends that night with Jacob) to get pregnant AGAIN! And Rachel STILL doesn't! Ouch! That's harsh.
And hard to believe.
But that's what any good film or book or piece of fiction requires-- at least a little suspension of one's disbelief.
Now, remember-- I am a cynic. Which is dangerous.
"I think we too often make choices based on the safety of cynicism, and what we're lead to is a life not fully lived. Cynicism is fear, and it's worse than fear - it's active disengagement."
-- Filmmaker Ken Burns
Check out this exchange from the forgettable 1998 film "Goodbye Lover":
Rollins: Why are you so cynical?
Sgt. Rita Pompano: Because someone killed Bambi's mother.
-- (written by Ron Peer, Joel Cohen, Alec Sokolow)
People get burned, they don't want to put themselves out there.
Cynicism is a safety net, allowing one to stand back and say, "Come onnnnn" or "Shyeah right!" It's a lot easier to mock and criticize than to roll up your sleeves and affect change -- DO something about a situation.
... Like kill some vampires or eat a baby-makin' plant!
"Go and catch a falling star
Get with child a mandrake root
Tell me where all past years are,
Or who cleft the devil's foot..."
-- John Donne, "Song: Go and Catch a Falling Star".
"Two Yutes" -- My Cousin Vinny
.
Gen. 37:2
“And Joseph was seventeen… and he was a lad...”
Rashi, the legendary Jewish commentator from 11th century France, explains that Joseph was precocious and petulant to the point of major douchebag-ery!
In other words...
Youth is wasted on the young.
Also, small pox vaccinations.
Dwight Gooden won a Cy Young award and a World Series Title by November of 1986.
He was the best pitcher on the best team in Major League Baseball
... before he was 22 years old.
And then cocaine took over his life. He won zero pitching awards and World Series titles the rest of his career, eventually getting arrested, contemplating suicide, and finally winding up in jail.
James Dean was nominated for two Best Actor Academy Awards before he was 25.
He was also dead.
Before he was 27 years old, team captain Derek Jeter had won 4 World Series championships with the New York Yankees.
I am 27 years old.
And I have won… (ahem) fewer... World Series championships.
But… um…
The Yankees suck.
Yeah!
Being young is great.
But it's not perfect.
"As a teenager I was so insecure. I was the type of guy that never fit in because I never dared to choose. I was convinced I had absolutely no talent at all. For nothing. And that thought took away all my ambition, too."
-Johnny Depp
Besides, if you start out at the top when you're young... you have nowhere to go but down.
"I was 33 when the show [E.R.] hit. You've almost been famous several times, so you're prepared for the fact that it has very little to do with you.
I got a lot of good lessons through life before I got around to the show being successful. So it's better...
I feel sorry for any kid who's 20 years old and hits it [fame] because I don't know how you handle it, I don't know how you do it."
-- George Clooney, in a 2007 Interview
"Rejoice, O young man, in thy youth; and let thy heart cheer thee in the days of thy youth, and walk in the ways of thine heart... but know thou, that for all these things God will bring thee into judgment."
--(Ecclesiastes 11:9)
.
Gen. 37:2
“And Joseph was seventeen… and he was a lad...”
Rashi, the legendary Jewish commentator from 11th century France, explains that Joseph was precocious and petulant to the point of major douchebag-ery!
In other words...
Youth is wasted on the young.
Also, small pox vaccinations.
Dwight Gooden won a Cy Young award and a World Series Title by November of 1986.
He was the best pitcher on the best team in Major League Baseball
... before he was 22 years old.
And then cocaine took over his life. He won zero pitching awards and World Series titles the rest of his career, eventually getting arrested, contemplating suicide, and finally winding up in jail.
James Dean was nominated for two Best Actor Academy Awards before he was 25.
He was also dead.
Before he was 27 years old, team captain Derek Jeter had won 4 World Series championships with the New York Yankees.
I am 27 years old.
And I have won… (ahem) fewer... World Series championships.
But… um…
The Yankees suck.
Yeah!
Being young is great.
But it's not perfect.
"As a teenager I was so insecure. I was the type of guy that never fit in because I never dared to choose. I was convinced I had absolutely no talent at all. For nothing. And that thought took away all my ambition, too."
-Johnny Depp
Besides, if you start out at the top when you're young... you have nowhere to go but down.
"I was 33 when the show [E.R.] hit. You've almost been famous several times, so you're prepared for the fact that it has very little to do with you.
I got a lot of good lessons through life before I got around to the show being successful. So it's better...
I feel sorry for any kid who's 20 years old and hits it [fame] because I don't know how you handle it, I don't know how you do it."
-- George Clooney, in a 2007 Interview
"Rejoice, O young man, in thy youth; and let thy heart cheer thee in the days of thy youth, and walk in the ways of thine heart... but know thou, that for all these things God will bring thee into judgment."
--(Ecclesiastes 11:9)
.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
