Happy New Year!

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“…have a sabbath, a memorial of blowing of trumpets, a holy convocation.
Ye shall do no servile work therein: but ye shall offer an offering made by fire unto the Lord.”

-- Leviticus 23:24-25

That is how the New Year celebration is first mentioned in the Bible.

Jews still celebrate it like that.

But like so many Jewish holidays that have Christian counterparts in the same season (Christmas/Hanukkah; Easter/Passover), the Jewish version… is a lot less fun!
But on the upside—it’s more guilt-ridden, too!
Hurray!

Even today, in synagogues, the “blowing of trumpets” is represented by a ram’s horn, or “shofar,” that the Jews blow like… a trumpet! It’s serves as a “wake-up call” soon before the Day of Atonement, Yom Kippur, when God judges everybody--
“… there shall be a day of atonement, it shall be a holy convocation unto you; and ye shall afflict your souls” (Lev. 23:27).

On Rosh Hashana (Jewish New Year), Jews wish each other well by saying, “May you be inscribed in the Book of Life.”
But on Yom Kippur they say, “May you be sealed in the Book of Life.”

“On Rosh HaShana it is inscribed. And on the Day of Atonement it is sealed.”

What is sealed?

Your fate!

In the month leading up to the special days, Jews recite a prayer called “S'lichot” (In Hebrew, “s'lichah” means “sorry”), that begins with the above line—
In it, we say what is sealed—
“How many will pass away and how many will be born. Who will live and who will die.”

Wait— it gets better!

”Who will reach the end of his days and who will not.
Who by fire and who by water.
Who by sword and who by beast.
Who by hunger and who by thirst.
Who by earthquake and who by plague.
Who by strangling and who by stoning…”

Geez!

Happy New Year!


Forget about watching the ball drop in Times Square! You might have to outrun a beast or an earthquake or a strangling… person.

This is a bummer!

Basically, God is said to decide…

“Who will be tranquil and who will be tormented…
Who will be lowered, and who will be exalted.”


The week and a half between the two holidays is known as the “Ten Days of Penitence,” when God is scrutinizing our behavior very closely, and people are supposed to make amends for any sinning they did during the previous year.

God supposedly has the Book of Life, in which God jots down all of our good deeds and all of our sins.

Sound like anyone you know?


"He knows when you are sleeping,
He knows when you’re awake,
He knows if you’ve been bad or good…”

Imagine if Santa Claus and God switched!

If you were naughty, instead of a lump of coal… Santa might strangle you and give you the plague!

Now sleep tight, Timmy!
Nestled in bed, visions of sugar plums being mauled to death by a beast or drowned... in your head.

With the sound of the shofar (trumpet),the Jewish New Year is the announcement of a Final Exam — of your soul!!!!

Also, we eat apples and honey!

For a “sweet” New Year!

That is SO Jewish! Intense religious pressure and guilt
… and some food!

Ironic—the Jewish and the American New Years are almost exactly opposite from one another.
The former, we begin atoning, reforming and acting like better people;
the latter we get so drunk and wasted… we do stuff that we will have to atone for.

“New Year’s Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.”
-- Jay Leno
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