"Stand by your man"

I started reading the Book of Esther today. The titular lady (behave yourselves) proves to be the hero of the story. Hurray for women’s rights! Especially in Persia… which today is Iran!
However, the king marries Esther because his previous wife won’t listen to him.

“On the seventh day, when the heart of the king was merry with wine, he commanded… the seven chamberlains… to bring Vashti the queen… to show the people and the princes her beauty, for she was fair to look on” -- (Esther 1:10-11)

Nothing wrong with that—the Ancient Persian equivalent of “drunk dialing.”

But the plot thickens… like some oatmeal of matrimonial discontent!

— “But the queen Vashti refused to come at the king’s commandment by his chamberlains: therefore was the king very wroth, and his anger burned in him.” -- (Esther 1:12)

Okay, no big deal. So the king dumps Vashti and holds a beauty pageant and marries Esther.

Not so fast, Skimming Sammy!

The king’s advisers, especially one named Memucan, tell him that if word gets around how the king’s wife disobeyed him, “this deed of the queen shall come abroad unto all women, so that they shall despise their husbands… thus shall there arise too much contempt and wrath” -- (1:17-18)

Are you serious?!

We interrupt this Holy Babble Entry for a special news bulletin from anchorman Kent Brockman of “The Simpsons,” from the episode titled “Marge on the Lam”:

“We've just received word of a high-speed desert chase. The suspects have been identified as Ruth Powers and Marge Simpson of Springfield.

“At the risk of editorializing… these women are guilty, and must be dealt
with in a harsh and brutal fashion. Otherwise, their behavior could
incite other women leading to anarchy of biblical proportions. [Pause, then screaming] It's in ‘Revelations’, people!”

(Suddenly Brockman is cut off, and a still shot of Brockman with the
words, "Technical Difficulties, Please Stand By", appears on the screen)

(written by Bill Canterbury)

Thank you.

So is THAT what worried the king? Really? Were the women of 5th century Iran about to cast off the shackles of male oppression, rip off their aprons and go on strike? Have you seen Iran TODAY? I still don’t think that’s going to happen.

But the king listens to his advisor, Memucan, and sends letters to “every province… that every man should bear rule in his own house, and that it should be published according to the language of every people” (1:22). This was so crucial that the king didn’t take any chances—he had the letters translated into every language of every nation in his jurisdiction!
Phew! Thank goodness. That Vashti could’ve turned the empire upside-down! Apparently this was a few years before “No” meant “No.”

Movie Interlude:

Billy Crystal/psychiatrist: “You don't hear the word ‘no’ a lot, do you?”

Robert DeNiro/mob boss: “I hear it all the time, only it's more like (begging) ‘no, please, no!’"

-- “Analyze This” (written by Peter Tolan, Harold Ramis, Ken Lonergan)


The king’s advisers tell him what to do! And who, pray tell, are THESE geniuses?

“The king said to the wise men, which new the times, for so was the king’s manner towards all that knew the law...”
The commentators agree that these wise men “which new the times” refer to… wait for it… astrologers!

Yup! The king takes his cues from the goobers who write horoscopes for Parade magazine!

“Today you will take a risk, and dare to be different, but stay true to yourself… also, suppress independent thought amongst all females!”

We’ve all been there.

And to top it all off, the chief “wise man”, Memucan, translates into Hebrew to mean… wait for it… “blemish”! Or “boil”!
Zing!
So I think we’re SUPPOSED to ridicule these morons.

One thing I DO agree with—in the letter, the king says, “all wives shall give to their husbands honor, both to great and small.” (1:21)

Yes!

The king demands impartiality— no favoritism. Every husband deserves respect, whether he be a mighty king, or miserable peon—each man should be honored, no matter how small a man he is.
Size doesn’t matter.
It’s how you use it… to oppress women!

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