"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems." -- Homer (season 8, ep. 18)

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To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems.-- Homer (season 8, ep. 18)


Deuteronomy 1:1--

"These be the words which Moses spake unto all Israel..."

Yaaarrrr, these be the words!
Avast, ye scurvy Israelites-- thar be Moses, over yonder!

(Sigh)

When you translate Hebrew into English, especially fancy-pants Shakespearean English... you get Pirate-esque phrases.

But wait!
I can work with this!

Take a look at this dialogue from "Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl" (the good one):

Jack Sparrow: Stop! Not good! What are you doing? You burned all the food, the shade... the rum!
Elizabeth: Yes, the rum is gone.
Jack Sparrow: Why is the rum gone?
Elizabeth:... Because it is a *vile* drink that turns even the most respectable men into complete scoundrels...

(written by Ted Elliot, Terry Rossio)


Alcohol is bad!!!!

At least according to Elizabeth from the "Pirates" movie...
and the Bible!

"And Noah... planted a vineyard... And he drank of the wine, and he was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent." (Genesis 9:20-21)

"And Lot... dwelt in a cave, he and his two daughters... And the firstborn said to the younger... 'Come, let us make our father drink wine and we will lie with him'... Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father."
(Genesis 19:30-32,36)

"And the Lord spake unto Aaron, saying, 'Do not drink wine nor strong drink... when ye go into the tabernacle of the congregation, lest ye die.'" (Leviticus 10:8-9)

"Nabal... was churlish and evil in his doings... folly [was] with him... he held a feast in his house... and Nabal's heart was merry within him, for he was very drunken... the Lord smote Nabal, that he died... the Lord hath returned the wickedness of Nabal upon his own head."
(I Samuel 25:3,25,36,38,39)


"...Elah, the son of Baasha [began] to reign over Israel in Tirzah. And his servant, Zimri, captain of half his chariots, conspired against him, as he was in Tirzah, drinking himself drunk..."
(I Kings 16:9)


"And they went out at noon. But Ben-Hadad was drinking himself drunk..."

(I Kings 20:16)

In all fairness, there was more to each of the above incidents than mere alcohol-consumption. But excessive boozing is clearly frowned upon in the Bible.
Why?
Well, wine plays such a major role in Judeo-Christian religious ceremonies-- Jews drink wine every Friday night and many Christians believe sacramental wine is Jesus' blood.

Jews do not believe this... However, we DO believe that beer is the urine of Moses.
And vodka is Isaac’s saliva.
And that a pina colada is Abraham’s… anyway, we’ve gotten off topic…

Which brings me to an important rule, in general:

Moderation in all things!

It's good advice.

Booze, Work, Sex, Television-- a moderate amount of all these things is wonderful! Too much can lead to misery... and chlamydia!

During my junior year of college, I got black-out drunk. Saturday night at 2 AM… until Sunday night, 8 PM—gone. I woke up covered in my own sick. Thankfully, I don’t remember any of it (see my entry from November 11th). And I’ve never gotten that drunk again. Lesson learned.


But, in the spirit of fairness, I'll leave you with the wisdom of Mayor Quimby, regarding alcohol:

"It tastes great, makes women appear more attractive, and makes a person virtually invulnerable to criticism."

(“The Simpsons,” season 8, episode 18, "Homer vs. the 18th Amendment")
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