Say What???

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“Day unto day uttereth speech…
There is no speech nor language…
Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O LORD..."

-- Psalm 19:14

I was buying some food in the shuk last week.
“What is the shuk?” I hear you ask hypothetically!
It is an open-air market in the heart of Jerusalem.
Istanbul has one.
Cairo has one.
Many cities in the Middle East have one.
And, from my experience, they all suck!

Haggling, not a pleasant experience.
It’s like buying a car, but one egg at a time. One orange at a time. One piece of pita at a time.

It’s like trench warfare, fighting and scraping for every meter of land/shekel of food.

So, last week, in the shuk, I had gone running, even though it was quite chilly (“Grrr! Yeah! I’m like a less masculine G.I. Jane!”).

I bought some cheese and started chatting with the cheese salesman, in my mediocre Hebrew.

Here is a translation of our conversation:

“You’re wearing shorts?” he asked.

“Yes” I responded, “I run here. I go run.”

“But it’s cold!”

“Yes” I said.

“Well, good for you.”

(then I try to be funny… and something was lost in translation)

“Yes," I continue, "but I wear shorts, no matter to me, because I am groom."

[silence from the cheese salesman, so I continue]

“… I be married, so no matter to me. I do not use my body parts down there…because I married.”

“What?” asks the cheese man.

“Because I have wife, so I have nothing to do, I have no… eggs. I can’t use my eggs for I married now. My wife took them.”

“You want to buy a dozen eggs?”

“No no… An expression... I don’t have… I can’t… my wife… [sigh] It’s a joke.”

“Oh” he said… then he walked away.

And I took my cheese and ran home.
In my shorts.
With no eggs.
To my loving, patient wife.

who speaks English, thank God.

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Kindness of Strangers

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“Be not forgetful to entertain strangers: for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.”

-- Hebrew 13:2

Living in a foreign country has forced me to do certain things.

There are many moments in your life when you’re forced to swallow something—
Your first day in the prison laundry room,
smuggling baggies of crack in through the airport
—or living in a foreign country.
The latter has forced me to swallow my pride…
and ask for help and directions
…in a foreign language.

Last Tuesday I was meeting up with my lovely bride on Ben Yehuda Street (the Jerusalem equivalent of Times Square… but much smaller, and more… Jewey).
And BAM!
My cell phone dies!
Oh no!
And I’m supposed to meet my wife SOMEWHERE soon!
These are the only situations where I marvel at life from ten years ago, before cell phones were as ubiquitous as reality shows and … y’know… other things that are everywhere.
(sigh… analogies are not my forte)

But ten years ago—how the devil did people meet up with each other before they could call each other twelve times in a thirty-minute time span?

I was stuck in downtown Jerusalem with no phone.
And all the payphones in Jerusalem rely on phone cards.
What are those?
Who the hell knows???
Not me!
Nor do I know how to purchase one!

I asked for help at a makolet (which is Hebrew for a “bodega”)
(which is Spanish for a “Kwik-E-Mart”)
(which is “Simpsons”-ese for a “convenience store”).
I said, in broken Hebrew:
“Sorry, I have problem. My phone has no working and I need to call my girl partner. If I purchase something, may I use your telephone machine?”
The owner of the makolet responded, “Of course. But you don’t have to buy anything. What? You think you’re in America? No, this is Israel. Just use the phone.”

Hm.
That’s Israel. Hospitable and selfless when you least expect it.
But try to buy a loaf of bread for less than $5 and prepare for haggling!

Later I bothered a pet supply store owner, and she, too, let me use the phone.
Also, with an attitude of "Of course, go ahead! Don't be silly!"

Israel is a country a kind people, who will gladly lend a hand, help out a stranger… and who will run you over with their cars if you impede their journey even half-a-second.

I suppose that’s the case with most lands, most peoples.
Everybody has their moments.

“We're all heroes if you catch us at the right moment.”

-- John Bubber (Andy Garcia), “Hero”, screenplay by David Webb Peoples
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Wall-E (a pun! how marvelous!)

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"And Ezra the priest brought the law before the congregation both of men and women, and all that could hear with understanding, upon the first day of the seventh month."

-- Nehemiah 8:2


This past Monday my wife prayed the Shacharit (morning) service.
So what?
She's done that literally HUNDREDS of times in her life.

Well, on Monday she did so at the Western Wall, with other female rabbinical students.
And chairs were thrown at them.

http://www.jta.org/news/article/2010/03/16/1011145/chairs-thrown-at-women-of-the-wall


Let me essplain... no, there is no time... Let me sum up:

First, a short history of The Wall (not Pink Floyd's)

The Western Wall (a.k.a., the Wailing Wall and in Hebrew dubbed simply "the wall"-- ha'Kotel) is nearly 200 feet long, located on the western side of the Temple Mount in Ancient Jerusalem... a place with NO CONTROVERSY WHATSOEVER.

It is the last remaining part of the Temple of Solomon... which it ain't. It's actually the outer wall that surrounded the Second Temple (built around 516 BCE), expanded by King Herod (around 19 BCE), which stood until the Roman Empire invaded and destroyed it (in 70 C.E.)

Above the Western Wall is the golden-domed "Dome of the Rock"-- what's that? Now it's a mosque that houses "The Foundation Stone." And what's THAT?

Oh nothing... except 3 big deals:

1-- The holiest spot in the Temple of Solomon (creatively dubbed "The Holy of Holies", where the High Priest could go only once a year, on Yom Kippur, where the Ten Commandments were kept.
2-- The spot of Mount Moriah where Abraham nearly sacrificed Isaac
3-- the spot where Mohammed stepped and rose to the heavens to receive a message from Allah. It is the third-holiest place for Muslims.

Yikes! Why not spread it around?!

I had the same feeling the first time I heard about the human reproductive organs ("You mean we use the same body parts to expel waste AND make babies? Gross...")

You gotta admit, that's a lot of action in one focused area!
Why not have a temple in Lebanon! Or genitalia on your elbow!
... air-tight logic, I know.


Now whenever Jews pray anywhere in the world they face the direction of the wall.

But that's not it.
Because the ultra-Orthodox and traditional Jews pray there very frequently, they kinda call the shots, so there is a mechitzah separating the Men's side of the wall, from the women's side, since traditional Orthodox men and women pray separately.

Even so, when women DO pray and sing at the Wall many, Ortho guys get upset and... ahem... throw metal folding chairs at them.

Yup.

So, on Monday, my wife led Hallel services (special prayer recited on the first of the Month/holidays) and carried the Torah. Big honor! She did great and I am very proud of her.

Yay!

Then, once she and several other women (some who were rabbinical students, some not) went to pray by the Western Wall, on the women's side, a collection of Orthodox, irate, male Jews (like a bunch of silver back gorillas), who clearly loved God and exemplified the dictum "Love Thy Neighbor"... started throwing chairs.

In the words of Jesus, "Forgive them, God, for they are a bunch of douches."

Jesus H. Crackers!
First of all, no one was hurt and my wife and her lady prayer-group were not near the actual chairs.

But still!

What the hell??!!

Is it any wonder that peace in the Middle East eludes us... when Jews are fighting other Jews.

"And I said unto the nobles, and to the rulers, and to the rest of the people, The work is great and large, and we are separated upon the wall, one far from another."

--Nehemiah 4:19
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Runnin' on Empty

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"I just felt like running."
-- Forrest Gump, celebrity, legend, exemplary retard


“And he was there with the LORD forty days and forty nights; he did neither eat bread, nor drink water. And he wrote upon the tables the words of the covenant, the ten commandments.”

-- Exodus 34:28


Today I ran a half-marathon through the streets of Jerusalem.
21.1 kilometers, 13 miles, one goal: to not lose control of my bowels.

Misson accomplished.


Rabbi Yehuda haLevi, Called “Judah the Prince” because his knowledge was so reknowned, was kind of a racist.
He believed that Jews were superior to all other peoples.
And the basis for his argument?
While on Mount Sinai, getting the Ten Commandments, Moses went 40 days and 40 nights without food or water.

Has anyone else ever done that?
Nope.
Erego, Jews are the best!

The logic is air-tight.

Truth be told, Jews are superior to other nations because we are prodigious love-makers, blue jean-makers, and we can greenlight a movie faster than anyone else.

So there.

Okay, so while the Rabbi’s reasoning is highly suspect, Moses going nearly 6 weeks with no food or water… that’s impressive.

The lesson here?
… Gandhi was a wuss!

No no no.


Maybe.

The message:
Moses really dedicated himself to God, to the Law and to the Israelites, (and showed how INSANE he was).

In order to succeed at anything in life, you gotta have dedication.

I was coincidentally listening to an interview with Movie Producer Art Linson (Fight Club, Heat, Into the Wild, Fast Times at Ridgemont High)

He said:
The ones who are really gonna survive are the ones who say, ‘I don’t care what you say, I’m doing it.’…. You have to be truly, unafraid to fail.”


“Never trust anybody that didn’t walk the last 35 feet.”
-- Buddy Hackett



I forget who said it, but:

“I’m not one of the all-time greats. I may not even be one of the all-time goods. But I AM one of the all-time survivors”.


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This Land is Whose Land?

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I woke up at 6:30 this morning.

Not on purpose.

But since I couldn't go back to sleep I decided to go running through the streets of Jerusalem.

I explored some areas I didn't recognize, including a very quiet, grassy hill near the Goldman Promenade: Jerusalem's Tolerance Park and Monument (a big, broken column with an olive tree in the middle).

Looking for it on Google, I found this, from yesterday on
Haaretz.com--

"Work begins on Jerusalem Museum of Tolerance, despite protests"

"The Simon Wiesenthal Center said Monday it hopes to start building its Museum of Tolerance in Jerusalem in the coming months despite a petition to the United Nations to stop construction because the site was once a medieval Muslim cemetery."
-- by the Associated Press

Irony Personified!!!

But really-- whose land is this anyway?

The idea of OWNING land is ridiculous, when you think about it.

That's why Native Americans "sold" parts of the U.S. to the white man for marbles and Bubble Yum, because they logically believed you CAN'T own land, it's the EARTH! We're just renting space.
Temporary guests.


[As a pilgrim, talking to Native Americans]
"Sorry we were so brusque when we first arrived, we didn't realize you OWN the entire country... But you have no system of ownership? Interesting. Hmmm."
-- Eddie Izzard, "Dress to Kill"

But Israel?
Jerusalem?
It belongs to the Jews, right?
It ALWAYS has?

(ahem)

Not quite.

In fact, not at all.
First, an oft-quoted verse-- but you may have overlooked the last part of it :

"And I am come down to deliver them out of the hand of the Egyptians, and to bring them ... unto a land flowing with milk and honey; unto the place of the Canaanites, and the Hittites, and the Amorites, and the Perizzites, and the Hivites, and the Jebusites."

- Exodus 3:8

and

"Thou art the LORD the God, who didst choose... Abraham; And foundest his heart faithful before thee, and madest a covenant with him to give the land of the Canaanites, the Hittites, the Amorites, and the Perizzites, and the Jebusites, and the Girgashites, to give it, I say, to his seed, and hast performed thy words; for thou art righteous."
- Nehemiah 9:7-8

"...Which covenant he made with Abraham... and to Israel for an everlasting covenant:
Saying, Unto thee will I give the land of Canaan, the lot of your inheritance:
When they were but a few men in number..."
- Psalm 105

Wow.
The more things change... the less they change!

So the Jews are ENTITLED to the land, because God made a deal with Abraham.
I see.

(ahem)

I pity and envy those Canaanites.
They lost this swatch of sand thousands of years ago, but at least they avoided all the huge headaches that would follow.

Hm.

... still, the produce here is good.

Shalom.

Turning Tricks

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“For by means of a whorish woman a man is brought to a piece of bread.”
-- Proverbs 6:26

Last month I was in Venice for a Shabbat.

That Friday evening I ate dinner with the Chabad. This is a savvy organization comprised of traditional, black-hat-sportin’ Orthodox Jews, who try to appeal to 20-something non-Orthodox Jews. They also serve whiskey!
L’chayim!

While I was there I chatted with a fellow “non-Ortho” guy named Scott who was from Seattle. Scott informed me that he was globe-trotting and just came from Spain.
While in Spain he encountered numerous prostitutes!
L’chayim again!
Scott said that Espagna is teeming with women of ill repute, particularly in Barcelona.
(Lonely Planet… not in Barcelona, apparently)
The women would just walk up to him, put one hand on his groin and say a number.
“You mean, they ranked you, like 3 out of 4 stars?” I asked.

No, he said, they’d say a price.

“Oh, like a contractor gives you an estimate.”


Um, I guess, he said.

“In Spanish?”

Of course.

“Well… as long as the price was between 1 and 10, I would understand.”

Thank you, Sesame Street.

Speaking of which, you didn’t see many hookers strutting down Sesame Street.

“Hey sailor, that sure is a big… bird.”
i also think “C” would not be for “cookie.”
Good enough for me.
(Bert and Ernie? Something tells me they’re not interested).

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1,2,3

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"and to bring them up out of that land unto a good land and a large, unto a land flowing with milk and honey..."
-- Exodus 3:8

Sitting in our apartment here in lovely Jerusalem, the wife and I celebrated the Ides of March like any happy couple: We just watched the 2009 film "The Taking of Pelham 1,2,3" with John Travolta and Denzel Washington.
The four of us had a fine time (fyi: Travolta loved Raisinets).

The film follows a several terrorists, lead by Travolta, who hijack a New York City subway train, and Denzel has to stop them.


I turned to my wife and said,
"Thank goodness we're living in a country with NO subway! That way, there are no terrorists or guns. God bless Jerusalem!"

The Land flowing with Milk and Irony!
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Happy Accidents

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"... neither shalt thou stand against the blood of thy neighbour: I am the LORD."

-- Leviticus 19:16

Usually this is translated to mean "do not stand idly by the blood of your neighbor."


I got married 9 months ago.
My wife and I came to live in Israel 5 months ago.

It's treacherous.

I can't walk down the street without worrying.
I am paranoid. I am neurotic.

Too much Larry David and "Final Destination" movies.

I'm afraid of traffic.

I see a cars speeding, cars backing out of a drive-way, a lady on a bike, a dad pushing a stroller, a cat underneath a parked car... like a video game of potential tragedy... so many things that can go wrong.

I know what you're thinking:

"C'mon, think of things as glass half full"

Sure, half full... of bloody, severed fingers!

... of a concert pianist!!!

Bottom line: tragedies and accidents occur all the time.

And sometimes... they don't.

I often go running through the streets of Jerusalem.
Just like dudes from the Bible: David, Solomon and Jesus did... when they were kids... probably.

Yesterday I was running along somewhere, got a phone call from my new wife, it turned into different kind of run-- errand!
Yay!

So I turned around and started heading home along Derekh Beyt Lekhem (in English: Way of Bread House... or Bethlehem).
Then I passed a gas station-- and slip!-- an old man fell down.
He slipped and landed on his side, in front of a car that was about to pull out of the station.
I moseyed on over and helped the fellow to his feet.

"Are you all right?" I asked him, but in Hebrew (so it's literally, "You in order? All good?")
He responded in English.

We returned to the sidewalk, started talking-- he's American, moved to Israel 35 years ago.
"I was just coming from a Shiva call. I usually walk on the other side of the street... now I know why."
He chuckled. I smiled.
"You never know what's gonna happen."
I agreed.

We chatted and walked together for another 10 minutes.
He told me his condensed life story-- focusing on how he met his wife.

"We've been married 54 years. I'm 82. She's 7 years younger than me. Maybe 8 years. I dunno. I think she's 75. Anyway I'll tell ya something-- she's the best looking 75-year old I've ever seen."

Once we got to Emek Refa'im, he gave me his address and told me to swing by any Shabbat afternoon.

"We're old, so if you knock and nobody answers, give it a minute. We move slow."

We shook hands and parted ways.

I called my wife, told her I was on my way.

I walked the rest of the way home.

Not worrying about traffic.


Sometimes nothing goes wrong.
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Late at Night.... The Oscars in Israel

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“And it came to pass at midnight, that the man was afraid, and turned himself: and, behold, a woman lay at his feet. And he said, Who art thou? And she answered, I am Ruth thine handmaid…”
-- Ruth 3:8-9

A lot of surprising stuff happens late at night.
Especially here in the Middle East.

Even on TV!


Let me start by saying—I did not watch the Academy Awards last night.

I tried, oh good Lord, how I tried.

I sent out e-mails, planned a little shindig, double-checked the Israeli TV listings, set up my slingbox-link via computer.
And viola!

Nuttin’.
It just wasn’t in the proverbial cards.

Israeli TV did not broadcast it, there was a strike with New York’s ABC affiliates, so my sling box hook-up was rendered useless (until close to 5 AM, when I had given up hope and returned to bed).
And no one showed up for the shindig… which is totally understandable and VERY fortuitous, as it turns out.

But at least I had the privilege of watching an hour of Israeli TV in the middle of the night, searching for the Oscar show.

Have you ever watched Israeli television at 3 AM?
Oh, if you haven’t-- it is a sight to behold!

It’s like the Aurora borealis and the Apollo 11 moon landing combined with a big, steaming pile of crap.
Mostly just the latter.

What’s on at 3 AM in Israel INSTEAD of the Oscars?

1) Black and white footage of Israelis with afros and jean jackets playing acoustic guitar.
2) Infomercial with a British dude selling a cuisinart that can make potatoes au gratin and cheesecake in less than two minutes!
3) A couple of chubby guys playing wii tennis
4) Mike Huckabee on Fox News
5) Aerosmith music video "Livin' on the edge" from 1993
6) A French made-for-TV movie where a kid pushes an old guy off a boat.... then waves at a blimp overhead ( this officially became my new “Favorite Oscar moment”)

7) And finally (I am not kidding)… Shamwow infomercials!!

And the last thing I learned before tossing in the Oscar-watching towel an hour later:

What do Israelis watch at 4 AM?

… Reruns of "Becker"

(sigh)
I felt patriotic, in weird kinda way.

I ended up reading an Oscar play-by-play this morning on IMDB.com.

Whenever stuff like this happens I must remind myself—
“Aaron, remember… this does not affect your life whatsoever.”
“The outcome of yesterday evening will not change your day-to-day existence.”

But I usually say that when my local sports team loses, not when the underdog wins!

Last night, “The Hurt Locker” won Best Picture at the 2010 Academy Awards.
Which means “Avatar” did not!
See how that works.
And “The Hurt Locker” won 6 statues.
“Avatar” – only 3.

It’s kinda ironic, since “The Hurt Locker” was picking up speed the last month, or as movie folks are fond of saying, “gaining momentum”-- getting more positive attention and steadily becoming "the favorite."
I was not aware, since I am in Israel, where news and peace talks both crawl at an interminably slow pace-- like hummus sliding off a table top.

So maybe “The Hurt Locker” wasn’t the underdog after all… which deflates my previous entry (… still worth a read, though!).
(desperation is a stinky cologne).


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The Oscars! -- and underdogs

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"The LORD did not set his love upon you, nor choose you, because ye were more in number than any people; for ye were the fewest of all people."
- Deuteronomy 7:7

The Underdog
The Little Engine That Could
Rocky

The 2010 Oscars are about to occur.
And yes, I will be waking up at 3 AM to watch them, here in Israel.



We all love rooting for the little guy.

That's why many of us want to see "The Hurt Locker" beat "Avatar" for Best Picture.

Sure, the former is probably the best film that's been made about America's latest ridiculous war,
and it's extremely well-acted and written...
but where the hell are the blue cat people???

Also, "The Hurt Locker" is smarter that "Avatar".

"Avatar" is a simple, predictable story

... and it made the most money ever!

To put it in perspective (in domestic dollars $$$), "The Hurt Locker" made 1.8% what "Avatar" made.
Fern Gully on acid made 59.5 times what Wartime Bomb Detonators made:
$714 million... to almost $13 million.



That's rough.
If "Hurt Locker" did win that would be a bigger upset than "Gandhi" ($53 million) defeating "E.T." ($359 million) back in 1982.


And is it all about money?

Kinda.
But not completely.
Of the 30 previous films to win Best Picture (1979-2008), only 12 were the highest grossing nominee. So there!
(thanks boxofficemojo.com)


Besides, that's why we watch.
That's why we love the Spartans in "300", the Jamaican Bobsled team in "Cool Runnings," Daniel Larusso in "Karate Kid", Sam and Frodo in "LOTR" ... or the 2004 Boston Red Sox or Spud Webb or the Israelites from the books of Exodus to Deuteronomy.

We like rooting for the little guy!
We want to see him make it to the Promised Land (i.e., the award, the big game, the girl or... well, in the case of the Israelites- literally the "promised land")

Because each of us has felt like the underdog at some point in (or for most of) our lives... we root for 'em!

We also root for William Wallace in "Braveheart" (which won the big trophy in 1996, over the higher-grossing "Apollo 13"... fyi).

(... and before Mel Gibson lost his g.d. mind)

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Clothes Make The Man

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A couple of weeks ago I was in Venice, Italy for Shabbat.
What’s Shabbat?

It occurs every single Friday night and lasts until Saturday night at sundown… without exception.
And what else?

Take it, Coen Brothers:

Donny: What's Shabbos?
Walter Sobchak: Saturday, Donny, is Shabbos, the Jewish day of rest. That means that I don't work, I don't get in a car… I don't pick up the phone, I don't turn on the oven, and I sure as shit don't f**king roll! Shomer shabbos!
The Dude: Walter...
Walter Sobchak: Shomer f**king shabbos. “”

Okay, so that’s Shabbos (Yidddish pronunciation).

Y’see, growing up I always dressed up nicely for synagogue. It was ingrained in me—every Friday I’d go to my Jewish Day School in my Navy blue sweater vest and slacks… I would’ve gotten beaten up for sure, except all the other kids were dressed similarly.
Then, when I went to synagogue, my mom would insist I dress accordingly.
“You have to get dressed up, you’re going to synagogue.”
In fact, my brothers and I called slacks, button-down shirts and loafers “dress clothes” because we only wore them when we’d get “dressed up.”
(maybe we were all closeted trannies, secretly eager to wear dresses… either way, those slacks made my hips look big).

Anyway, I would sometimes see other kids my age dressed shabbily for Shabbat, a shame— they weren’t poor, they simply didn’t dress respectfully: T-shirt or sweatshirt and… jeans! Not even faux-nice black jeans, but blue jeans! I love blue jeans as much as the next closeted tranny (Levi Strauss, a Jew, jean pioneer!), but not to synagogue!
Also, here in Israel, where Shabbat is proudly observed each and every week (not just when a relative has a Bar/Bat-Mitzvah), kids (usually 14 or younger) also wear blue jeans to services. It takes so little effort to change into a pair of khakis, and they look nicer.
I told my wife, “When we have kids, they are not going to wear jeans to services. They are going to wear nice pants to synagogue. DRESS pants!”
(this confused her, “So you want our sons to wear a dress OVER their pants?”)

Well, two weeks ago, I hung up my “dress shirt and dress pants” in a hotel in Florence so they wouldn’t get wrinkled in my suitcase.
Then we took a train to Venice.
And I left my shirt and pants in the closet.

“Aaaarrrggghhh!”—Charlie Brown

I still had a sweater to wear to synagogue, but the only other pair of pants I had brought to Italy were (ominous music)… blue jeans!
I spent most of Friday afternoon looking around Venice for a pair of slacks my size. No dice! Nothing! Plenty of masks. Oh my god! Every other shop sold glittery, Mardi Gras, fabulous masks! But no pants.

So I had to go to a traditional, Orthodox synagogue in Venice, Italy… while wearing… jeans.
(sigh)
I felt like such a hypocrite.

But Saturday morning I was called to the Torah for an aliyah—when a congregant recites a four-line blessing before/after a section of the Torah is read. It was an honor (I know this because immediately after this, a synagogue member handed me an envelope addressed to the synagogue in which I could put a donation… nothing’s free).

I was touched
And I realized—Jesus was right about one thing (at least):

“Judge not according to the appearance, but judge righteous judgment.”

-- John 7:24

My first New Testament quotation. Mazel tov!

And Shabbat Shalom!

The Dude: Will you come off it, Walter? You're not even f**king Jewish… You're … Polish Catholic.
Walter Sobchak: What the f**k are you talking about? I converted when I married Cynthia! Come on, Dude!...
The Dude: Yeah, and five f**king years ago you were divorced.
Walter Sobchak: So what are you saying? When you get divorced you turn in your library card? You get a new license? You STOP being Jewish?
The Dude: It's all a part of your sick Cynthia thing, man. Taking care of her f**king dog. Going to her f**king synagogue. You're living in the f**king past.
Walter Sobchak: Three thousand years of beautiful tradition, from Moses to Sandy Koufax... [shouting] You're …damn right I'm living in the f**king past!

-- “The Big Lebowski,” 1998, written by Ethan and Joel Coen
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The Taking of Grecian 1,2,3

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"And Jacob served seven years for Rachel; and they seemed unto him but a few days, for the love he had to her."
-- Gen. 29:20

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again—“I love being a turtle.”

No, actually it is this:

EVERYTHING is RELATIVE.

Let me tell you a little story about subway fines and near-death experiences.

When my wife and I landed in Athens last week, we had four suitcases with us, we’d been traveling for a week, and we couldn’t remotely speak the language. At least Italian uses English letters. And Hebrew does not. But Greek is the most frustrating, because it does BOTH!
It has three normal letters, then a Tetris piece, followed by two more normal letters.
In the words of Charlie Brown—Arrrgggghhh!

So, my wife and I buy a couple subway tickets, hop on a train, and prepare for the 35 minute ride to central Athens.
Then who should come moseying down the aisle of the subway car, but three official looking subway employees, all clad in navy blue blazers and nametags.
I see the youngest of the three (the only female, about 30) checking the tickets of passengers and immediately I think, “Oh merde!” (I often confuse French and Greek curses… also those uttered by Mork from Ork… Shazbut!)
See, I remember reading in our guidebook that it’s imperative for travelers to get their tickets validated by the machines in the subway terminals, otherwise they might incur a fine. I recalled seeing some validation machines, but we were running to catch the train, so I figured (in true American fashion) “To hell with it.”
Sure enough, the lady in blue got to us, looked at our tickets and started, in the words of my ancestors, hassling us.
She said that we could’ve bought the tickets at any time and there we were subject to a fine of “up to 60 times the price of the ticket.” The tickets were 5 euros each… in other words 300 euros a person (the equivalent of about $450!!).
Hortophagus!!!!
(Greek for “vegetarian”)

We explained that we were not told about this, that we clearly just came from the airport, etc. She was as stubborn as a Grecian mule. One of the gentlemen with her, a superior, spoke to us with more civility, encouraged us to dispute the fine at the main terminal (to which we were headed anyway), and the charges would probably be dropped.
The wife and were pissed to say the least.
Once we arrived at our destination we filled out some paperwork and hoped for the best (we’d have to be updated via e-mail). We dropped off our bags at our hotel and went to see the sights.
The Acropolis was closed (after 3 PM… I guess if geezers who are over the hill go to sleep at 7 PM, then a hill that’s over 7000 years old can close at 3), so we decided to clear our minds with a healthy walk around Athens.
That’s when we were almost run over by a trolley.

Let me elaborate, because that sounds a lot stupider than I intended.
It sounds about as serious as a box of Rice-a-roni smacking me in the face, or like Mr. Roger’s puppets were ringing their little bells at me.

No.

See, it was a four lane street—two lanes in each direction. From the side we were on, all the automobile traffic was coming from the left—including a few trolleys once in a while. We looked to the left—no cars. My wife and I began to cross the intersection, the whole time looking left.
“Aaron!” my wife screamed at me (same tone she uses when I get pee on the toilet seat).
I looked to our right, there is a trolley—ahem, I mean “an above-ground metro”— barreling towards us!!! It was going FAST. Like 30 mph. That’s not SO fast… unless something is 8 feet away from you. Then it’s damn terrifying.
The wife and I flung ourselves backwards, thereby narrowly avoiding, if not certain death, than certain partial damage to our beautiful visages and behinds.
Apparently Grecian trolleys can come from either direction… and don’t honk their damn horns until they’re 6 feet from murdering pedestrians (remember, the horn didn’t stop me, my wife’s scream did).
We collected ourselves on the sidewalk, just holding each other and choking back tears. Thankfully, Greece is SWARMING with homeless dogs. Seriously. Like Jerusalem, with its cats. But the dogs aren’t mangey-looking or starving… they just wander around the streets of Athens, most of them looking downright dead, barely moving. But just as we were in shock, one friendly pooch strolled by and allowed us to pet him for several minutes, thereby teaching us an important lesson: Greek dogs are much better than Greek public transportation.

It’s all relative.
My wife and I thought potentially receiving a 300-euro subway fine was bad… then we almost got killed.
It’s all relative.


… Still, 300 euros?!
That’s bullshit.


“Ya know, Ricky, breaking up with a girlfriend can be a very painful thing. But it don't have to keep ya down for long. I've never had a regular girlfriend like you, but I did get kicked in the balls once by a mule. Now, I thought I would be hurting for the rest of my life. But you know what happened the very next week?... My momma died! … Hell, after that, I didn't care no more about my balls hurtin'. You see what I'm gettin' at?”

-- Rube Baker, “Major League II” (1994, screenplay by R.J. Stewart)
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Celebrate Good Times, Come On!

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“And in every province, and in every city, whithersoever the king’s commandment and his decree came, the Jews had joy and gladness, a feast and a good day. And many of the people of the land became Jews; for the fear of the Jews fell upon them. ”

--Esther 8:18

Celebrating Purim in Jerusalem is a unique experience.
For those of you in the USA, let me try to capture the energy:

Imagine Halloween combined with New Year’s Eve and your local sports team winning the championship— inebriated, costumed individuals waving noisemakers and wandering the streets, shouting and cheering all night long.

(i.e., Par-taaaay!)

What is the story of Purim, briefly?

Queen Esther and her uncle Mordechai thwarted the murderous plot of the king’s advisor Haman, preventing him from murdering all the Jews of Persia!


They saved the proverbial day and everything worked out… for the Jews.

Not so much for Haman (he was hanged… and hanged well).
In fact, the traditional Purim cookie is called “the ear of Haman”—it’s a triangle of dough with fruit in the middle.

(Ahem)

It makes as much sense as remembering the birth of Jesus with a fruitcake.

But in Jerusalem Purim is a happy, whiskey-soaked celebration!

In fact, at the end of the story, not only were all the Jews safe to live in Persia and its provinces, but other people converted to Judaism because they FEARED the Jews! As well they should have, since the Jews actually killed over 75,000 of their enemies (9:5,6 &16).
Yikes!
It was like the Inquisition … but the exact opposite.

So… how did I celebrate Purim?

I listened to rabbinical students read the scroll (megillah) of Esther in a tavern called “Yankees Pub”, I booed whenever Haman’s name was mentioned (as is the Jewish custom), I ate pizza and drank too much ouzo (as is my custom) and then I partied at a gay bar, where my wife (dressed as Bunnicula, the vampire bunny of children’s literature) danced with a Carmen Miranda-impersonator who had more chest hair than Chewbacca.

Good times!

Masks, booze, dancing and cookies!

Purim— when everyone is (at least) a little gay!

“…the Jews had joy and gladness, a feast and a good day.”
--Esther 8:17


“When you're with the Flintstones
you'll have a yabba dabba doo time.
A dabba doo time.
You'll have a gay old time.”

-- Hanna-Barbera’s Flintstones theme song
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Purim-- We’re Number One!

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“Thus the Jews smote all their enemies with the stroke of the sword, and slaughter, and destruction, and did what they would unto those that hated them.”
-- Esther 9:5

Purim – the Jewish holiday that celebrates everything actually working out for the Jews… for a change.

Finally, a happy story!

... sort of.

A Jewish girl assimilates, marries a non-Jewish king, and the Jews murder thousands of people.

…hooray?

“But the other Jews that were in the king’s provinces gathered themselves together, and stood for their lives, and had rest from their enemies, and slew of their foes seventy and five thousand, but they laid not their hands on the prey.”

-- Esther 9:16

Geez!


It’s kinda rough. Sure, Queen Esther reveals her true religion to her hubby King, and has the king hang Haman, the wicked advisor who planned to murder all the Jews!

… but they also hang Haman’s ten sons (9:10) and thousands of other people.

Kinda grisly.

And the day is repeatedly referred to as one of “joy and gladness, a feast and a good day” (8:17, 9:17, 9:19).

Winners write the history books, I suppose.
Every nation needs some heroes, needs to feel like their people weren’t always getting their butts kicked.

Not everyone is a Yankees fan, some of us need someone else to cheer for.

Esther or Derek Jeter, it’s about pride.


And for once, the Jews won out!
That’s what Purim is all about.

It’s about the Jews kicking some ass!


BEN
You know what movie I just saw again
the other day? “Munich.”

JONAH
Dude, “Munich” … rules.

BEN
That movie was Eric Bana kicking
f**kin’ ass! Dude, every movie with Jews, we’re the
ones getting killed. “Munich” flips it
on its ear. We’re cappin’ motherf**kers.

JONAH
Not only killing, but… takin’ names.

BEN
If any of us get laid tonight, it’s
because of Eric Bana in “Munich.”

-- Screenplay of “Knocked Up”, p.13, by Judd Apatow (a Jew, just so you know)

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Another Theory of Relativity

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“…went out through the land of Egypt: Where I heard a language that I understood not”

-- Psalms 81:5

I just returned from an 11-day excursion to Italy and Greece.

What did I learn?
1st : Italian public transportation is great.
2nd : Greek public transportation stinks.
3rd : The Greek word for “vegetarian” sounds like a homophobic slur (pronounced “hort-oh-fag-uss”).

And Finally, it is true that being in a REALLY foreign country makes you appreciate a slightly LESS foreign country.
Example: I speak Hebrew poorly. But I speak Greek and Italian even more poorly!
So while I was in Rome and Athens I really missed being in Israel!

At least in the latter I can order a cup of coffee and then be ignored by my waiter… in a language I sorta understand.

Which brings me to my thesis:

EVERYTHING is relative.

This past baseball season, 2009, the Philadelphia Phillies centerfielder Shane Victorino hit 10 homeruns!
Yay!

That ranked him 181st in baseball.

Ahem.

But it WOULD have been first in the league
… in 1909.

The film “The Ten Commandments” grossed $65.5 million dollars in America.

Not very impressive by today’s standards (the ridiculous “Twilight: New Moon” bested that total in just its first 24 hours in the U.S. this past November).
However, “The Ten Commandments” was released in 1956.

Adjusted for inflation (thanks to the folks at boxofficemojo.com) that would be just short of $1 billion today
(more than any film except Gone with the Wind, Star Wars, The Sound of Music and E.T.).

My point?

Don’t take ANYTHING at face value.

EVERYTHING is relative.

Am I the most attractive guy?
… in the world?
Heck no!
… in my apartment?
Hellz yeah!

The Bible says we should

When the Bible was written, was there electricity, in-door plumbing or , oh I don’t know, aspirin?
Nope.
Was there universally accepted bigamy, slavery, and little-to-no underwear?
Yup.

It’s all relative.

“He that smiteth a man, so that he die, shall be surely put to death.”
--Exodus 21:12

Okay, capital punishment. Not totally foreign to us.

“For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall be surely put to death…”
-- Leviticus 20:9

What??

“If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death”
-- Leviticus 20:13


People used to think leeches were better than surgery, the mandrake root could get you preggers, and gay people were evil.

Things change.

And, hopefully, so do people.

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I Must Be Going

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Sorry, Gang.
I will be away from my blog for 11 days, while the missus and I trot around Italy and Greece.
But just like God told Abraham:

"Get thee out of thy country, and from thy kindred, and from thy father’s house, unto a land that I will shew thee." (Genesis 12:1)

How's THAT for a segue?!

I actually already did that when I started college in 2001.
I ventured to New York City (The City That Never Sleeps), leaving my "father's house" in Philadelphia (The City That Occasionally Dozes Off).
Then, this past October, I left my birthland, the USA (national motto: "Hey, nice country you have here... It's ours, now") to live in Israel for a year.
Israel, The Land of Milk and Honey (and Tension!).

Having read several hundred pages of the Bible, chronicling several dozen generations of Israelites in this wholesome, peaceful area known as the Middle East,
I can safely say... there has been tension in this part of the world for thousands of years! Peace is an elusive ... thing.
It's ironic that most Jewish prayers and all formal communal services end with the words "May God who makes peace above, make peace for us and all of Israel. Amen."

That would be nice.

"But wishing won't make it so, you've got to go out there and be the best Barney you can be!"
- Homer Simpson, "Mr. Plow", Written by Jon Vitti

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Go Bayside!

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"Over? Did you say 'over'? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!... And it ain't over now. 'Cause when the goin' gets tough...[thinks hard]... the tough get goin'! Who's with me? Let's go!"

-- Bluto, "Animal House" (1978, by Harold Ramis & Douglas Kenney & Chris Miller)

Everyone needs a pep talk now and then.
Everybody needs to be inspired.

In addition to being a source of empathy, the Psalms are the epitome of inspirational words.
Daily Affirmations, which is why people are encouraged to read it during any life cycle event.
Happy, sad—doesn’t matter, you can find meaning in a psalm.
Heck, there are 150, there’s bound to be ONE that you can identify with.
Like a flavor of Ben & Jerry’s or type of CareBear – pick one!

People need hope! People need something to cling to, to root for, a reason to keep soldiering on!

They need the Psalms.

“For strangers are risen up against me, and oppressors seek after my soul: they have not set God before them. Selah.
Behold, God is mine helper: the Lord is with them that uphold my soul.”
-- Ps. 54:3-4

“I’m the underdog, the odds are against me. But I got a secret weapon—God! God will give me the extra strength I need to be victorious.

God—The Gatorade of deities.
Theological Steroids.

The Psalms are uplifting half-time pep talks.

The writer of the Psalms knows that Life isn't always fair, and the reader of the Bible needs some empathy and inspiration, as we all do.

One line from the opening scene from “Patton”—

“We're gonna keep fighting. Is that CLEAR? We're gonna attack all night, we're gonna attack tomorrow morning. If we are not VICTORIOUS, let no man come back alive!”
-- “Patton” (1970, screenplay by Francis Ford Coppola and Edmund H. North)

"And the last thing he said to me: 'Rock,' he said, 'Sometime, when the team is up against it, and the breaks are beating the boys, tell 'em to go out there with all they got and win just one for the Gipper.'"
-- "Knute Rockne: All American"
(1940, screenplay by Robert Buckner)
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EMPATHY-- Find out what it means to me

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An important life lesson-- Know your audience.
Whenever you give advice to someone, or brag to someone, or....actually, ever really TALK to someone--- Know what they WANT to hear, NEED to hear and CAN hear.

Example:

I am in the midst of reading the 150 Psalms, attributed to the pen of King David.

When the Psalms were written the Jews had it pretty tough.
Now, most experts estimate their inception being between the 11th century and 6th century BCE... Not that it really matters-- any time over the past four thousands years was a pretty tough time for the Jews.

Persecuted, being murdered for their beliefs, treated like... well, basically like something you'd scrape off the bottom of your shoe.

And one thing people need in times of trouble-- Mother Mary to comfort them, speak some words of wisdom...
Actually, that's not Jewish at all!

People need hope! People need something to cling to! They need to know they are not alone.

They need the Psalms.
Not only were the Psalms an outlet for the writer to vent (i.e., kvetch) about his/her frustrations (there are some obvious references to the Babylonian Exile of the Jews from Ancient Israel, 586 BCE-- bummer!), but I believe they were included in the canon of the Bible because they are the ultimate words of empathy and proverbial shoulder to cry on.

The writer of the Psalms knows that Life isn't always fair, and the reader of the Bible needs some empathy.

They let the reader know-- you're not alone.

Here is an excerpt from arguably the most famous Psalm-- 23 (oooh, good title):
"He restoreth my soul... Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me."
Not surprisingly, this is usually recited at graveside funerals of Jews and Christians alike. It makes sense-- it's filled with the idea that God invigorates one's soul (perhaps an allusion to the afterlife) and God helps us when we feel like we're in "the valley of the shadow of death" (Amen, Coolio, you said it). When would someone feel like that? When they've just lost a loved one, and they're in a cemetery (which is literally a valley of the shadow of death).

The following Psalm is recited at a Jewish house of mourning:

"I will say unto God my rock, Why hast thou forgotten me? ...
... they say daily unto me, Where is thy God?
Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God."
(42:9-11)

OF COURSE people who've just lost a friend/relative recite this Psalm! It's clear that they are feeling the same way.
And the Psalm tells us-- "Hey, you're not alone. Everybody gets bummed out, everybody feels forsaken by God now and then. Hang in there."

"I have found that the only I can deal with it is-- Find other people who had similar experiences and talk to them. It doesn't cost anything."
-- Craig Ferguson, late night talk show host, recovering alcoholic

The following MIGHT AS WELL be a Psalm:

"When the night has come, and the land is dark/
And the moon is the only light we'll see/
No I won't be afraid, no I won't be afraid/
Just as long as you stand, stand by me"

-- Ben E. King, Jerry Leiber and Mike Stoller.


And finally:

"Some...times in our lives/ We all have pain, we all have sorrow/
But... if we are wise/ We know that there's, always tomorrow"

-- Bill Withers, "Lean On Me"

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Follow the Leader

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"And Nadab the son of Jeroboam began to reign over Israel ... And he did evil in the sight of the LORD... and in his sin wherewith he made Israel to sin. "
- I Kings 15:25-26

"...began Baasha the son of Ahijah to reign over all Israel... And he did evil in the sight of the LORD... and in his sin wherewith he made Israel to sin."
- I Kings 15:34

A leader leads by example.

So if the leader is corrupt, the people will be corrupt as well.

Let's skip ahead to the famous judge after Deborah- Gideon. What kind of a leader was he?

"...and he put a trumpet in every man’s hand, with empty pitchers, and lamps within the pitchers. And he said unto them, Look on me, and do likewise..." - Judges 7:16-17

Okay... a little weird. But inspiring! And, as it turns out, he got the job done.
And why?
Inspiration.

"...it shall be that, as I do, so shall ye do." (Judges 7:17)

If I've learned anything from every sports movie, every camp movie, every Michelle Pfeiffer-tough-teacher-in-the-Hood movie... it's that people might not NEED an inspiring leader to be victorious... but it certainly helps.
... also, soundtrack from Coolio doesn't hurt.


"The final test of a leader is that he leaves behind him in other men the conviction and the will to carry on."
-- Walter Lippmann
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"Sugar and Spice..."

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There is a tendency to focus on all the dudes of the Bible and gloss over the ladies.
Why?

Because, for most of recorded history, dudes have called the shots.
"The LORD God of your fathers, the God of Abraham, of Isaac, and of Jacob..."
(Exodus 3:16)

So we remember Eve as a sinful apple eater, Delilah as a sneaky temptress/barber, and Jezebel as... well... Bette Davis!

It just isn't so!

In the very beginning of the Exodus story, Pharaoh kills all the male Israelite babies (1:22), Moses kills the taskmaster (2:12), and God (traditionally portrayed as male) kills many people in the ten plagues and the Red Sea--
"The LORD is a man of war... Pharaoh’s chariots and his host hath he cast into the sea..." (15:3-4).

Meanwhile, two Egyptian midwives Shiphrah and Puah "feared God, and did not as the king of Egypt commanded them, but saved the men children alive" (1:15); and Yocheved hid her son and saved his life (2:3), the infant's sister watched over him to make sure he's be okay (2:4) and Pharaoh's daughter adopted the infant and raised him as her son (2:10).

So all the MEN in this story are murderous and blood-thirsty, and the WOMEN save lives!

Hm.

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